My worst day ever

**Names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent

   Back around the year 2000, I ran onto information about the Big Brother/Big Sister Association. Some may think it was a bad idea for me to get involved, since I struggle with same-sex attractions, but I was not attracted to boys, and I wanted some boy who had no dad to have someone to care in his life, so I signed up.

  I was paired with a 12 year old boy named Jonathan. His mom got pregnant on her honeymoon due to her antibiotics cancelling out her birth control. The husband demanded an abortion or he'd leave her. She refused, and he did. To this day, Jonathan hasn't seen his dad, or his dad's family. His maternal grandfather was involved a lot in his life, but died in 2000, which led to Jonathan's mom signing him up for the Big Brother program.

  I was warned when I signed up that some mothers may try to get money out of the big brother. Jonathan's mother never did, and tried to pay me back when I spent money on him when he was with me - restaurants, zoo, plays, etc. I refused. I became very close to the kid, and he was like the little brother I'd never had. He and his mom became close to my entire family, and he was usher in my little sister's wedding. His mom sometimes came along when I had him and the three of us would do things together, though most of the time it was just Jonathan and I.

  At this time, I was working at a Christian bookstore. I was good friends with two of my coworkers - Lucy and Carla, and their husbands - Jim and Frank. I was closer friends with Lucy and Jim and we did a lot of stuff together, though both couples and I would get together occasionally. Frank and Carla were very good friends with the owners of the bookstore and had a business they ran out of the basement of the bookstore.

 One day, Lucy, who was very inquisitive, was bugging me why I never dated. Out of exasperation, I finally said "I'm gay." She laughed hard for a while, then said "come on, for real, why?" It took a lot of convincing her that I was not goofing off. She and her husband became very supportive of me.

 Another day, I had a similar conversation with Carla. I asked her to promise not to tell anyone, and I confided also in her. She was understanding about it, said she had gay friends, and if I ever needed to talk, she was there. All went well for a while, until the week that became hell. (Might I add, I was trying to live right at this time, and both coworkers knew this)

  Carla and I both worked on a Thursday and she acted odd all day. Before she left, she handed me a note, then dashed out the door. I opened it. It read "You have until Monday to tell Jonathan's mom that you are gay, or we will tell her."  I was devastated. I had no clue how his mom would handle such news..... knowing the guy who had spent so much time with her son for the last 4 years was gay.....

  I went into work on Friday determined to convince Carla to drop it. I found out later she had gone in before me and told of all of my coworkers I was gay and what was going on. She was working upstairs, so I went up and begged her to drop it. She ignored me, so I tapped her on the shoulder. She called her husband and told him and he had her put me on the phone. He ordered me to apologize to her for touching her. I begged him to stop this stuff and he was relentless. She meanwhile had gone to the basement to where her husband's friend was. Her husband, Frank, was not there.

  I was a mess by now. I went to the main floor of the store and collapsed in tears. One of my coworkers came over and I told her what was going on, which she knew other than the demand for me to apologize. She took me by the hand and walked me to the basement where I made my apology. I again begged Carla to drop it. I promised to get out of the Big Brother program, if she would just drop it. She refused. So I said something to the effect "What if this gets totally out? What if my brother-law finds out and doesn't allow me around my nieces? (I had no nephews yet) What if it gets so bad that I kill myself - will it be worth it?" She called her husband and told him I threatened to kill myself. I remember saying to her "you promised you wouldn't tell", and she replied, "you heard what you wanted to hear."

  Meanwhile, my coworkers had called my other coworker and friend, Lucy, who got to the store when that went down. She also begged Carla to drop it, but she wouldn't. The owners by this time knew what was going on and said I could go home. As I stepped out of the back of the store with Lucy, I was met by two policemen who talked to me about my so-called suicide threat. I assured them I was not going to kill myself and had a pastor I talked to often. They of course had questions as to what was going on, so I had to tell them. Then I went home, Lucy along, afraid I might hurt myself.

  I called the guy from Big Brothers to my house and told him what happened. He asked if I had ever done anything inappropriate with Jonathan - and I said no. He said he'd handle it, but I was out of the program. He said I should never have told Carla, that I was great with Jonathan and that was rare to pair a big and little brother so well.

  Lucy went home and got her husband and some movies, and they spent all evening with me.

 Jonathan's mom was furious, but not for the reasons I thought she would be, as I found out much later. Child protection services showed up at their house and grilled him without her present, and that upset her a lot. I later had to go in and talk to them myself.

 My employers talked to all employees separately, of course taking Frank and Carla's parts and defending them. It seems Frank had just found out an older male that had spent time with he and his friends was gay, and he flipped, and I became a target for his fury.

 This same couple who seemed to enjoy destroying me, had the gall to give me a birthday present a few weeks later on my birthday. I wanted to throw it at her, but had been ordered to be cordial to her.

 At the end of the month, my family and I left for vacation, so I mailed Frank and Carla a letter, telling them how much they had hurt me, and all that I was going through. I promised if they ever did anything like that again, I would take them to court and sue the pants off of them. They took the letter to our employers, and when I got home, they called in everyone individually and read the letter and gave me all kinds of stern warnings about how I needed to treat Frank and Carla.

   It was truly the worst thing I ever went through. I lost a kid I loved like family and the friendship of his mother. I was betrayed and stabbed in the back by people I considered friends. I couldn't sleep well for months and cried enough tears to fill an ocean. And yes, I wanted to kill myself.

  There have been some good things come about: One of my coworkers had a son my age who had recently told her he was gay and had a boyfriend. She was devastated, but after what happened, talked to me a lot about it and commented many times how much of a help I was to her. She said she had a hard time forgiving Carla and Frank for what they did to me. I had a few coworkers comment on how well I acted towards Carla for what she did, and managed to work with her for a full year afterwards.

  Jonathan's mother eventually added me as a friend on Facebook and started forwarding me emails. She met me to give me some games for my nieces and nephews 2 summers ago, and I brought up what had happened, and apologized for the way it ended. She said they had no hard feelings, but just a lot of fond memories. She said what upset her was Jonathan being grilled without her present. She said had I told her I was gay, she would have had no problem with it.... she knew I would never hurt Jonathan.

  A year ago or so, I blogged about being a big brother, about it being the most unselfish, yet rewarding thing I had ever done. She went on Facebook and in public told me that she credits me with the kind of man Jonathan has become. She said he doesn't drink or do drugs, and lives a clean life, and she said she gives me the credit. I cried. I couldn't help it. That kid is now 28 years old. I still regret how it ended, I regret telling Carla, but you can't undo the past, and in many ways it made me stronger, and helped get me to the point that I don't worry about people finding out. It also made me be more careful who I trust.

  I have had some contact with Frank and Lisa after we both quit working there. They never apologized, but did some work for me for free on a computer... maybe that was to make them feel better, I don't know. Ironically, something happened that pitted them against the bookstore owners, who they had been such great friends. I am told my former coworker that has  the gay son that when it was going on, the female owner said "you know, maybe we didn't handle that thing with Mark the right way when it happened." Not an apology from them either, but it was cool to hear.

  That all happened 12 years ago next month. I never saw Jonathan again, and the hole in my heart finally healed. His mom told me I need to stop in and see him sometime where he works - Best Buy, but the couple of times I have been in, I didn't see him. According to his mom, he isn't sure he wants me to see him....... he was always a skinny runt who ate enough for 3 boys and I told him it would catch up to him........ it has, and he isn't sure he wants me to see it...... but I am sure he would be happy to see me if I did catch him in.

  There have been times in my life when I thought I had forgiven Carla and Frank. I even told her I did once even though she didn't think she did something that needed forgiven, yet all of these years later, I still sometimes feel anger and hatred and wish I could get even some day. Most of the time, it is just a bad memory.

  In the years since that happened, I have told many more people about my struggles. Some never bring it up, others talk about it with me some, but none of  them have ever made me regret telling them. And I am thankful for the friends who know, who love me anyway, and who would never betray me.