Ryan's Father

  I ran across a new-to-me author a few weeks ago, and she sent me a copy of her newest book for me to review. I am sharing it here to give her some more publicity and in case it interests anyway. The book is Christian fiction, and the main character is a young man struggling with same-sex attractions. The story is a bit unrealistic in one area. The main character, Ryan, overcomes his same-sex attractions and falls in love with a woman much faster than it can happen in real life. The author herself says at the end of the book that it doesn't happen that fast, so she is not trying to paint an unrealistic picture.

 I do believe it is possible for some to overcome it enough to feel attracted to and marry a woman, but it doesn't happen for everyone. I can't see it ever happening to me.

 But back to the book. The book is worth reading, and I feel the author did a great job of portraying the same-sex struggle and anguish of it in a young man wanting to live a pure and moral life for God. She also touched on one of the possible reasons or triggers for same-sex attractions in the book. Ryan's Father by June Foster.

 Author's blog/website: JuneFoster.com.

Living out, and another secret

 

 It has been a while since I posted on here, so I thought I'd do a post. I don't know how long it will be, or what I will say, though I have an idea of where I want to go with it.

   I have become quite open about my struggles on my other blog, and life hasn't changed much, to my surprise. For so many years, I feared people finding out my secret, but there doesn't seem to be any repercussions as I long feared. Sure, people may be judging me and talking about me, but I have heard nothing. It would seem my long held fears were indeed groundless. The knowledge that anyone can read my blog and find out that I am attracted to other guys just doesn't worry me anymore.

 When I look back over my life, it is amazing I am where I am. It is amazing I am alive. I was far from careful when I was hooking up with guys, and it is a miracle I never contracted AIDS.

  I would like some day to talk about this issue, but to whom and where I don't know. Right now, I almost feel like an island. I go to church but don't feel part of the church. I sit in a pew and that is about it. During the week I work and see my family, and no one from church. I have really never had many close friends, and it seems my closest friends are ones who don't live close enough to see very often. Sometimes I just feel isolated, though there are times I prefer being alone. I guess I am a paradox.

  I am not liking my job very well, but I feel stuck. I finally have decent insurance, and I need it right now with some health issues I am having.

   Confession: I am still addicted to pornography. It is harder to admit it than attractions to the same sex. My addiction has never been to pictures or videos, though I have looked at my share of both. My addiction likes in gay erotic stories, and always has. I try to quit, but go back to it. Right now, I keep telling myself it is the only fun I have.....but I do want to stop.

 As to my sexual struggles, they are still usually at a low ebb, with an occasional stronger urge. I do believe "coming out of the closet" has helped break the hold it has had on me.

I Won't Go Back

  In my last post on here, I promised to post more on here, but that was September...... and here I am posting the first time since then. I had a few weeks of intense depression, discouragement, and disappointments. There were times I considered giving up and forgetting serving God, and there were moments I wished I could end it all.

 Oddly enough, it wasn't at all same-sex attraction related. And when I envisioned giving up, going back into the hookup scene didn't occur to me. It would seem that there truly is no going back to that, or a temptation to do so. Yeah, lust is still an issue, porn a temptation...... and one I give into occasionally. I also find myself occasionally wishing I could have a guy to love...... but thankfully, that doesn't happen a lot.

 Also, thankfully I have pretty much come out of the funk I was in. I don't feel as close to God as I felt before it hit, but I am getting there. I had something happen today - a car accident that was my fault due to a few factors, one being an icy road and a red light I didn't see in time. I would normally be devastated with a fine to pay, a deductible, and most likely a raise in my insurance...... but I haven't flipped out.

 This evening I felt this slight urge to use porn, but I didn't want to. That may not make sense, but it was like a habit I do when things go wrong like my accident. Maybe not flipping out about it and getting all worried and discouraged didn't feed the need to jerk off to porn. I may be doing a lousy job of explaining it, but it would seem having the reaction and attitude opposite of what I normally would, diffused what normally would have been a great temptation. Maybe I am wrong, and that isn't it at all, but it does make sense. Whatever the reason, I'll take it and be thankful that I wasn't hit hard with the temptation and desire to use porn.

  There's a new group that formed this past year, which is an odd combination. It consists of two Southern Gospel vocalists and Jody McBryer, formerly of Avalon. One of the songs from their CD has been on my mind a lot lately, and I have been listening to it over and over. I am even listening to it at the moment. It is a song that rings true in my heart and one that I want to claim as my testimony: I Won't Go Back. Below are the words, but listen to the video also which is below the words.  It is a powerful song:

I Won't Go Back, by Cana's Voice

I've been changed
Healed
Freed
Delivered
I've found joy
Peace
Grace
And favor
I've been changed ]
In the presence of the lord, I've been
(healed)
Freed (freed), delivered (delivered)
(I've found joy
Peace)
Grace (grace)
And favor (and favor)
Right now
Today 
I've been changed (I've been changed)
I've been changed 
And I have waited (I have waited for this moment to come)
And I won't let it pass me by

I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
All my shame
Guilt
Sins
Forgiven
No more chains
Fear
My past (my past) is over (is over)
Right now is the moment
Today (today is the day)
I've been changed (I've been changed)
I have waited 
For this moment right here
And I won't let it pass me by

I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me

I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me