September update

  I was looking over past blog posts and noticed a trend. There are many blog posts that are negative and were written when I was struggling badly with sexual issues and believing God's love. Now that things are going well, I am not as apt to post on here. There is also the added factor that I "outted" myself on the blog where I am not anonymous, though I will never be as open there as I am here.

  But I don't want this blog to just have posts of when I was discouraged and struggling.... thus this blog post.

  Things have been going pretty well lately. Depression was holding me back a lot for a while, but things are better in that area, thankfully. The temptations to hook up are still rare and not much of a temptation. Porn and lust are still a temptation, but they don't have the strong hold on me that they used to have.

 Just yesterday I saw a shirtless young guy mowing, and another walking down the street..... and I looked, but did I lust? I was tempted to circle back and get another look, but did not.

  My relationship with God is getting back on track after a few months of feeling disconnected - the depression. I have always been one to go by feelings and emotions too much, and depression messes that up a lot.

 I still can't see marriage ever happening for me, and that is OK. I have gotten used to being single, and I like solitude. Sure, I get lonely some, but marriage is no assurance that a person will never be lonely.

 There are some other positive things going on in my life right now, and God willing a new chapter will be starting in my life that I believe will be good for me and help me in a lot of ways. More on that later..

 I still believe my big breakthrough came as a result of finally believing God loves me, an assurance that is still with me. I am very thankful for how far God has brought me, and have hope for the future that I didn't have for so long.

 I have been neglecting this blog, but will try to do better in the coming days. God bless

My book shelf, part 1

  There have been several great books written in recent years on the issue of homosexuality from a Christian and conservative viewpoint. I am sure I haven't read all of them, but here are some I have read lately that I thought were good and worth mentioning:

1) Satisfaction Guranteed by Jonathan Berry and Rob Wood

Book description:


Convinced that real satisfaction can be found only in a relationship with Jesus Christ, the author aims to encourage, inspire and equip all who struggle with same-sex temptations to resist, but 'make him their greatest treasure and live life to the full'. He invites us to dig deep and discover great truths about our awesome God and his plans and purposes for our lives, for only then can we live bravely, boldly and counter-culturally. He writes candidly, humbly and sensitively, with fellow strugglers in mind, but also their friends, families and the church leaders who support them, interweaving deeply personal stories from real life. God is good. He can be trusted even in the most painful situation. The surprising paradox is that it is the narrow road that leads to the abundant life promised by Jesus.

Check out their website at Satisfaction In Christ



2) Dwelling In the Land by Jeanette Howard

This one is by a woman, and I didn't find it as helpful as others I have read.... don't know if that is why, but it is worth mentioning.

Book description:

An important new volume by the author of Out of EgyptSome Christians who think of themselves as "gay" have sought healing and sexual reorientation. Some have chosen a freer interpretation of the biblical texts. Others don't know where they belong or what they should believe. Still others remain gay-identified yet choose celibacy. All have found that their sexual orientation strongly influences, even defines, who they perceive themselves to be.

Jeanette believes that to identify herself as "gay" does not do justice to what God has been doing in her life. Christians belong to Christ. "I have been born from on high and have a completely new DNA, God's DNA, residing in me and flowing through me," says Jeanette. "I am no longer a sinner but a saint. I am a daughter of the King."

With intelligence, compassion and fellow-feeling Jeanette explains what it means, as a Christian who has wrestled for the whole of her adult life with same--sex attraction, to live honestly and consistently as a Bible--believing Christian.

3) Struggle Central by Thomas Mark Zuniga

This book is written from one of the guys at the Your Other Brothers website - a site I highly recommend. He also has his own website at ThomasMarkZuniga.com

Book description:

Struggle Central is a collection of “messy memoirs” from the quarter-life of blogger, Thomas Mark Zuniga. After an ideal upbringing in eastern Pennsylvania, he learned what it meant to struggle in northeast Georgia. Growing up in a perpetual Christian bubble, he confesses the ridicule he received at Christian schools and the isolation he experienced in churches across America. From fear to shame to closeted issues of sexuality, this book charts the struggles of a young introverted Christian trying to find his way in the world – and ultimately, the Church. It wasn't until a second cross-country relocation to southern California that he started finding what he’d long thought impossible.


4) Critical Conversations by Tom Gilson

This book isn't as much for people dealing with same-sex attractions as it is for parents to talk to their kids about it.... though I still found it helpful.

Book description: 

Christian parents need to be prepared to answer the myriad challenges teens might hear in today's increasingly pro homosexual culture. "Why shouldn't gays get married?" “Who says gay sex is wrong?" "Does the Bible actually say there's anything wrong with homosexuality?" "Don't you care that kids are being bullied just for being themselves?"

To start the discussion, Gilson provides a brief history of the issues beginning with the sexual revolution of the 1960s. He explains how and why cultural attitudes have reversed on this subject in such a short time-span, leaving Christians scrambling for answers.

This is perhaps the most complicated and contentious issue Christians face in today's culture. Most churches are poorly equipped to handle it; parents are even less prepared. The good news is that parents need not have pat answers ready before they dive into conversations with their teens and preteens on this difficult topic. Learning together—parents struggling through these issues alongside their kids and leading them to biblical answers— has relational benefits.

Answers are important, though, so manageable, nontechnical answers to common questions surrounding this issue are provided, as well as a guide to further resources.

5) Messy Grace by Caleb Kalttenbach

Book description:

Sometimes, grace gets messy.

Caleb Kaltenbach was raised by LGBT parents, marched in gay pride parades as a youngster, and experienced firsthand the hatred and bitterness of some Christians toward his family.

But then Caleb surprised everyone, including himself, by becoming a Christian…and a pastor.

Very few issues in Christianity are as divisive as the acceptance of the LGBT community in the church. As a pastor and as a person with beloved family members living a gay lifestyle, Caleb had to face this issue with courage and grace. 


Messy Grace shows us that Jesus’s command to “love your neighbor as yourself” doesn’t have an exception clause for a gay “neighbor”—or for that matter, any other “neighbor” we might find it hard to relate to. Jesus was able to love these people and yet still hold on to his beliefs. So can you. Even when it’s messy.

6) The Transparent Life by McKrae Game

This book was written by the head of the Hope For Wholeness Ministry...... and there is something written in it by yours truly......

Secrets destroy families, relationships, and will stop personal growth. Too many people go through life wearing a mask of shame, terrified that if anyone knew the "real me," they would be shunned and alone. Unfortunately many churches and society tell us to keep our struggles, addictions, and pasts hidden. Hiding our problems will not make them go away. There is a way to be free from the shame and guilt. It begins by understanding The Transparent Life. Author McKrae Game is the president and founder of Hope for Wholeness Network. He lives a transparent life and his ministry has counseled countless men and women to begin their own healing by removing the mask and letting people in. This book is for anyone who desires to be free from struggles, addictions, and secrets.




These are just 6 books I have read lately that I found helpful. I will do another post in the future about others. If you have read any that you recommend, let me know and I'll mention it.

I surrender my sexual desires

 

  I recently had a comment on my other blog by a gay man that bothered me. It wasn't the fact that the man disagreed with me, but it was what he said. He commented that if he believed that I was right in what I believe about homosexuality, he'd kill himself and just go to be with Jesus, because he couldn't handle life without a partner.

  This man's sexual identitity and need for a partner is more important to him than serving God. No matter what it is, if we feel we'd rather die than give something up for God, whether it is sinful or not, we value that thing more than we value God.

  To be a "gay Christian", one must overlook, twist, and re-interpret several Bible verses to make the Bible say something totally different about homosexuality.

    What these individuals don't seem to get, or don't want to get, is Jesus asks the same thing of all of us: deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow him. Those pushing the pro-gay theology seem to believe that gay people are exempt from this command of Jesus, along with the command to repent and sin no more. But to truly follow Jesus means denying yourself of any sin, repenting of all sin, and leaving all sin. We who deal with same-sex attractions do not get a special pass to keep doing what the Bible says is sin. No matter how people try to twist the Bible verses, no matter how unfair it may seem, we cannot serve God and do what the Bible says is sin. Anyone who truly believes that is on dangerous ground.

  There's a hymn we used to sing in church titled "I Surrender All". That is what everyone following Jesus must do, and it isn't easy to surrender all to follow Jesus. I have to wonder many "gay Christians" have prayed and submitted their sexuality, sexual attractions, and desires to God.... or have they just tossed aside the need to do that? Can you truly submit this area of your  life to God and continue living the same way?

  Granted, gay people are not the only ones falling short of submitting their all to Jesus and denying themselves. This modern Christianity we have is so shallow and lukewarm that it asks for no denial, no surrender, no cross, and no true repentance and leaving of sin.

  We all are going to stand before God some day to give account our lives. I am afraid there will be many people on that day who will miss Heaven because they chose to put their sexuality before God. Man's opinions and interpretations of Scripture won't matter on that day, and no excuse will work with God. We must all truly surrender our all, repent, and leave our sin.....even homosexuality.... while we can.

My pathway to freedom

In my last post, I blogged about what true freedom is. I am going to go a different direction and try not to rehash any of those points. I have had guys ask me how I got to the place I am with my same-sex attractions/struggles. The answer may be more complicated and involved than I can put into words, and I am sure there are aspects of it that I am not even aware of, but I shall try to give an explanation.

  This journey is different for everyone, but for me there are some things that stand out to me:

1) Acceptance. I don't mean this in a fatalistic way, nor do I mean it in the way that the out and proud people have accepted the fact that they are gay. I just tried to fight these feelings for so long, and prayed until I was blue in the face to be "normal" (whatever that is). I finally got to the place where I realized it was not going to go away, and decided I was OK with it. If it wasn't this, it would be something else.

2) Surrender. I gave it to God and surrendered my sexual attractions and desires to Him. I have actually prayed and told God I don't care if He ever takes them away, but to just help me live above them and not give in. I have told God several times to use my experiences to help others.

3) Coming out of the closet. Once I got to the place I didn't care who knew my secret, it started losing its hold on me. No, I don't wear a t-shirt, but I talk about it on my blog where everyone knows who I am, and I doubt many people who know me very well don't know at this point. And by coming out of the closet, I don't mean in any way that I have come out as gay, but as a Christian who is attracted to the same sex. There is a difference.

4) Changing my reasons. For so long I just wanted to be "normal", to be like other guys, to be "straight" so I could marry and have a wife and kids. As Christopher Yuan said: the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality...... but holiness. I had to get to the point that I wanted to change to please God, not so I could be happy and heterosexual.

5) God's love. I won't go into all of the reasons for it on this post, but I doubted that God loved me for most of my life. It was more than doubt - I was convinced He didn't love me or like me. It is difficult to serve God when you don't believe He loves you, and your main reason is to escape hell and the feelings of guilt and misery. It is very common among people dealing with same-sex attractions,

  In December, it will have been three years since I finally believed He loves me....and what a difference it has made. I still have a small twinge occasionally, "if God loves me, then why.......", but they are easily brushed aside.

  Believing God loves me has made me want to live a life that pleases Him, and has made a real relationship with Him that I never really had before. And I immediately noticed a difference in my struggles. I believe the other things I mentioned played a big part, but this one seemed to be the catharsis that finally broke the chains. This was when I deleted all of the apps and hook up sites I had been using, This was when the constant desire to hook up with other guys started going away.

  God gets a bad rap from a lot of people who try to walk away from homosexuality only to go back to it. I believe we just give up too easily and try for the wrong reasons, and all too often aren't truly committed and surrendered. It isn't easy, and it may take longer than we want, but it is so worth it.

What does freedom look like?

   It seems one argument of the pro-gay crowd is that since you can't "pray the gay away", then it is OK to be gay.

   If I had a dollar for every time I asked God to make the same-sex attractions go away, I'd be a wealthy man. No matter how many times I prayed that, it didn't happen. I was recently mocked by a fellow Christian who is pro-gay because I dared to say God has set me free even though I am still attracted to men. Many would agree with this person that if a person is still attracted to the same sex, then they aren't free. The ultra conservative part of Christianity would even suggest you aren't even a Christian if you are attracted to the same sex.

  Are either of these two groups right? The latter is definitely wrong. The Bible does not condemn attractions to  the same sex, but sex with and lusting of the same sex. But what about the first group's thinking?

  God works in different ways in our lives. There have been people God instantly delivered from same-sex attractions, drug addictions, alcoholism, pornography, and other sins/addictions/issues. And then there are others who seem to be in the majority that struggle with these things for the rest of their lives on some level.

  It has been suggested that these people haven't prayed enough, that they don't have a close enough relationship with God, and probably other reasons I haven't heard. Someone said it is possible God instantly delivers those who He knows can't handle a constant struggle, while some can and be made stronger for it, so He doesn't instantly set them free from the desires for it. I like that idea, but I have no idea if that is true or not.

    But what does freedom truly look like? Is it not freedom from sin? God set me free from the constant hookups, the chat rooms, personals, and apps that I used to seek hookups. Is that not a miracle? Is that not freedom? Of course I am tempted occasionally to go back, but the temptations are rare and barely a blip on my radar screen. The temptation to lust and have bad thoughts is a bigger battle, but God helps me in that area also.

  God could indeed remove all desires and temptations for the sins and addictions in our lives, but is it any less of a miracle and any less freedom for Him to help us say no to those temptations and desires and live for Him instead of our passions and desires?

  And is it possible if He completely took away all desires for those things that we would be shallow Christians not dependent on Him?

  We are all tempted. The devil knows us and is smart enough to know our weak areas. Of course he is going to tempt us where we are weak. If a sexy young woman cornered me and tried to seduce me, I could easily walk away. I am not attracted to women, and it wouldn't be a temptation. But if a young sexy guy tried to seduce me.....that would be a temptation hard to walk away from, but walking away from it would be true freedom and would show that God does indeed help us.

  When a person has an issue like same-sex attraction, drugs, alcohol, or any tough issue or habitual sin; it makes them more dependent on God. I have found that I can't just coast along and mutter a short little prayer each day. It is a daily battle that requires a close relationship with God and total dependence on Him.

  God broke the chains that held me for so long. Sure, I am still attracted to guys instead of women, but the driving desire and temptation to hook up with guys and chat on line is gone. And that is freedom. That is as miraculous as God taking the same-sex attractions away and making me heterosexual.

Repent and forsake your sins.......unless you're gay

I didn't realize until I joined a Christian blogger page on Facebook just how prevalent this idea that homosexuality isn't a sin is. I knew there are people who believe that and have ran across some of them, but I am just starting to realize this false narrative and beliefs are far more widespread than I had imagined.

  For a guy who has personally dealt with this issue myself for so long, the idea of it being OK is ludicrous to me. I lived that life for years in between trying to serve God at intervals in between....... and I never considered for a moment that the Bible was wrong about it. The Bible refers to people being given over to believe a lie, and I do believe there comes a point where some "gay Christians" come to completely believe they are OK the way they are and can be a Christian while having sex with the same gender. However, I also firmly believe that most people trying to live as a "gay Christian" know down deep that they are wrong. God is a merciful God full of grace and love, and I can't imagine He easily or quickly gives people over to believe this lie.

  I am not really sure what is behind non-gay people pushing this idea so much. I can understand a gay person wanting to believe it. To be able to continue in your sin and still be a Christian with no change.....yeah, that is attractive. But why are so many Christians who don't deal personally with the issue pushing this idea that gay is OK with God? Many claim it is love, but is it love to leave people in their sin and offer no hope of change or deliverance? It is like telling a man in a pit he is fine where he is and that he doesn't have to get out of the pit. It is like telling a man in chains that he really is free and OK the way he is and offering no way to get out of his chains,

  Think about it for a moment. Imagine going to a pastor we'll call Jim. You tell him you are addicted to porn. He prays with you, gives you some guidance on how to stop, and offers accountability to you to help. Now imagine John comes to Jim and confesses he has a drug addiction. Again, Jim is going to offer help, suggest some places for drug addicts to go to get clean, etc. No matter what sin people come to Jim about, he encourages change, repentance, and an offer to help them in any way he can to get victory over their sin.

   Then along comes Sean. Sean confesses to Jim that he is an adulterer and doesn't want to be, yet he can't stop wanting to have sex and relationships with other women besides his wife. So what does Jim do? He tells Sean he is OK the way he is, that the Bible doesn't really condemn adultery, and that there is no need to repent and change from his sexual behaviors.

  What would we think of a pastor, or any Christian, who would tell a man that? Well, substitute gay and sex with other men in that example above, and that is exactly what happens.

  Is it really love to not offer hope and repentance to a gay person? Is it love to tell them they are OK the way they are and that they don't have to change? Is it not basically cruelty to withhold that from them?

  No it isn't easy to deal with same-sex attractions. No, it isn't easy to abstain from what seems to come no naturally. But one problem with modern/progressive/liberal Christianity is that we have this idea it should be easy. We either ignore the what Jesus said about denying ourselves and carrying a cross, or we make it into something it isn't.

  Jesus died for all of mankind. He offers hope and deliverance from sin to all who believe, and gay people are not exempt from that deliverance from their sin. He never has - and never will - leave people in their sin, but will offer deliverance and a way out of their sin. That is to be Christ-like and the way to love gay people, not let them in their sin and tell them they are fine the way they are.

Lessons from Jonah (re-post and edited)

Note: I originally posted this in August of 2012

  I was privileged a few years ago to see a great production of the Bible story of Jonah. It was both entertaining and moving. They brought out the Gospel in it like I never got from reading the Biblical narrative of the story. It was powerful.

  The best scene was after Jonah gave his message to the people of Ninevah. They repented, stripped off their outer armor and royal robes and sang the following song. I found the song on Youtube and will put the video also:


I’m Free

By Don Harper


I was shackled in the chains of my own making
Drowning in a sea of all my woe
Somehow I knew a reckoning was coming
Bitter tears would only sting this ravaged soul
Then the God of earth and Heaven
He showed Himself among us
And falling to my knees, I finally prayed
“Jehovah God on high
If I live or if I die
Take this burden of my sin away”


And now I am free
I’m finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of my Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me
For now I’m free
I am free, oh yes I am free
I am free, thank God I am free!

In the mercy and grace that You give each morning
We will sing Your praise
Every voice we will raise
To the end of our days
We will bless Your name
And now I’m free
I am finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of the Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me

For now we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes we’re free
Free, we’re free.
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes, we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh, we’re free
We’re free!

  They sang this song twice. The second time, Jonah led it as the closing song of the production. The song is powerful and I cried both times. It loses some of its power on a CD. It was so much more seeing people in repentance singing it. It really hit me hard.

I had some thoughts I wanted to get down as I watched the show, and will do my best to get them across in my bumbling way:

1) Everyone has a Ninevah.

  At some point in any Christian's life, there is going to be something He fears to do, yet knows that he needs to. There is going to be something God wants him to do that he doesn't want to do.

Right there in that theater, my Ninevah came to me. Homosexuality. I know God wants me to walk away from it forever, yet it is so hard to do so. It has woven its chains around my heart, soul, and mind.

   And they aren't the only chains I wear. I told someone recently that I am in bondage to my family, especially my parents. They want to keep me close by where they can monitor me, make sure I am living up to their expectations. I have had this strong feeling lately that I need some space between them and I to be what God wants, not what they want. That will be hard, and although I can't claim to be where I need to be with God yet, I am already praying to Him about it. I made the statement to a friend of mine, and it is true: if it came down to knowing God wanted me to do something, and my parents didn't want me to do it....... I'm not sure I could do what God wanted me to do.

Another chain is religion. I was raised in a strict conservative church. A lot of focus is on the outward. Too much. I grew up judging people's Christianity by how they look. Is the outward important? Yes. The Bible does talk about modesty, and I believe it is Biblical that men should look like men and women like women. If you can't tell what gender someone is, how is that pleasing to God........ but should men tell us how to dress? What to do and what not to do? If people really want to please God, they won't need rules from their church. They will let God show them. And if they really love God and want to please Him, they won't try to get as close to the edge of what is right or wrong.

The day may come when I need to change churches, or just get away from the church and seek out what God expects from me. I would face a lot of pressure and be fought on that, but can I run from that? Should I just do what my church says and what my parents expect to keep others happy?

Another Ninevah: I have felt for some time that God wants to use my struggles. That scares me. I don't mind talking about them on a blog where I am anonymous or even talking one on one, but to come out in public.... yikes. I feel like running already.

Note: Thankfully, I have walked away from homosexuality and it has lost the hold it had on me for so long.


2) When you are running from something, you are running to something else, and often that is worse than what you are running from.

  This thought isn't original with me. That statement was made in the Jonah production, and it really hit home. And it is true. Not just for Jonah. I thought about this, and it is true for me.

  This may sound I like I made it up, but when I heard that statement, it was if God leaned down and told me that I had been running toward homosexuality all these years, and it was worse than what I was running from.

  For years, I have been running. Running from loneliness, from negative feelings. Any time I felt those emotions, I'd turn to pornography and anonymous sex to ease the loneliness and emptiness within me.

  But the thing is, what I ran to was worse than what I was running from. I cannot describe the feelings I have experienced with so many sexual encounters. Many were with guys whose names I didn't even know. There were times I dabbled in things that I never thought I would, just to fill a void. But the void got worse.

   Can a gay guy find a solution to loneliness in homosexuality? Can they find love? Some may for a while. Gay relationships just don't last very long. And I have to wonder about the ones that do. Is it really love, or is it just a really close friendship. From what I have seen, most gay relationships that last a long time have a few things in common:

1) One or both of the couple is cheating on the other.
2) The couple has a 3rd or more in to have fun with
3) Sex is rare and sometimes non-existent

  God has never, and will never, ordain a sexual relationship between people of the same gender, and that is why I believe the relationships don't last. I have thought about totally walking away from what I know is right, embrace my gayness and seek a relationship, but it wouldn't last. In the end, I would be worse off than ever, and more broken.

   How much better off I would have been if I had run from homosexuality instead of running toward it. I What I ran toward is indeed worse than what I ran from. And in running toward my sexual desires, I ran from God and what He wanted for my life.

3) God gives second (and more) chances.

   Through Jonah,  God said He was going to destroy Ninevah in 40 days. After they repented, God let them live and did not destroy them. And Jonah got a second chance to do what God had commanded him to do. Where would any of us be if God did not give us more than one chance? Most of us would not be alive. And He has given me countless chances.

4) We don't always get what we deserve.

   Jonah didn't deserve to get out of the whale. He was a prophet of God who was determined to not do what God wanted him to do, yet God gave him a wake-up call instead of death. And the people of Ninevah deserved to be destroyed. They were wicked, yet God forgave them when they repented and did not destroy the city.

  I hate to think of what I deserve. AIDS, death...... yet I am healthy. I've had a few scares, yet I am alive and healthy. After having sexual encounters with countless men...... could it be because God has a plan for my life in spite of all my mess ups, all my sin, all my running?

5) God can and will forgive anyone.

The devil is a powerful and smart enemy and strategist. He doesn't just have one weapon, he has countless weapons. One is lies. If he can get us to believe certain lies, most of his battle is won. He has had me convinced that God doesn't care, doesn't love me, that I have sinned to badly and too often to ever be completely forgiven. But that is a lie.

God can and will forgive anyone. He forgave the wicked people of Ninevah. If the Colorado shooter would repent and seek God, God would forgive him. He would still need to face punishment for his crimes, but God would forgive him...... so why not me? Yes, I have sinned and been far from what God wanted, but I am not beyond redemption, I have not done anything God will not forgive. And I need to remind myself of that daily.

6) God can use anyone. 

   After running from what God asked him to do, and being swallowed by a fish, Jonah didn't seem like someone that God could use, but he was. And a whole city repented and found God.

  When I look at myself, I can't see anything that God could possibly use. My talents seem few and small. I have failed him more than I haven't. I feel below average. But if I surrender to Him, who knows how He could use me.


The story of Jonah is much more than just a story about a man that ran from God and got swallowed by a big fish. Read it and think about it.

I hope I got across the thoughts I have had on my mind since seeing the production of Jonah. It truly was a powerful message.