Clark Kent & I

A few years ago, someone talked me into watching a show that I had always thought looked pretty stupid: Smallville. Now in its 7th season, Smallville follows the life of a teenage Clark Kent as he grows into his powers and eventually will become Superman. After a few episodes, I was hooked. I watched the first few seasons on DVD in just a few days.

From the start, I felt an empathy for Clark Kent, played by Tom Welling. No, I don't have any special powers, and I am sure not as nice looking as he is, but he has a secret. He lives a double life. In the first four seasons or so, he is a teenager going to school, saving lives on the side, and no one knows his secret at the beginning, other than his parents.

The reason I empathize with the fictional Clark Kent is I know what it is like to have a secret, and do my best to keep it from the rest of the world. My secret of course is not super powers, but same-sex desires & attraction.

Over the years of Smallville, Clark has confided in a few people, and a few people have found out his secret. Most of them never look at him the same, and sometimes he wishes they didn't know. I can relate. Most Christians have no idea how to handle the issue. Most of those who know my secret don't seem to treat me differently, but they never talk about it, and I feel like I can't talk about it even though they know. Some people seem worse off for knowing Clark Kent's secret, and I have to wonder if the same isn't true with mine.

I watched the latest Smallville episode last night, which is the reason this is on my mind. Someone from the past comes back who knows Clark's secret and tries to blackmail him. He beats her to the punch, confides in the lovely Lois Lane, and has her "out" him on a front page news story. Overnight, he becomes a hero. Everywhere he goes people want his autograph, but then the tide turns. The same evil woman convinces the world that Clark isn't a hero, but a killer, and soon even his friends are being chased by the police.

About 10 years ago, I became interested in the Big Brother/Big Sisters of America program. Contrary to the idea many Christians have, most guys who are gay/struggling with those desires are not child molesters, and I sure knew I wasn't, so I entered the program. I had 4 great years being the "big brother" to a neat kid named Jason. He was like part of the family, and was even usher in my little sister's wedding. His mom was a Christian, his dad absent since birth. We hit it off and got along great. His mother was hard-working and proud, and often told me what a change I had made in her son's life.

That all changed in May of 2003. In talking to one of my co-workers and good friends, the subject had come up and she found out of my struggles due to a question she asked, and I admitted it. She said if I ever needed to talk about it, she was there. My world was rocked in on that May day when she handed me a note on a Thursday and said I had until Monday to tell Jason's mom about me, or she would. I worked for a small Christian business with about 6 people working there, besides the owners. When I went to work the next day, still shaken, not knowing what to do, I found out she had told everyone at work what was going on.

I begged her, tried to talk her into letting me just end the big brother thing without telling them, but to no avail. I feared my family finding out - my one brother-in-law has no idea, and I fear how he would react. She wouldn't budge, and seemed to enjoy what she was putting me through. I made the mistake of asking her how she would feel if it all came out in the open, I lost my family, and ended up killing myself. She called the police and said I threatened suicide.

I ended up talking to the guy in charge of Big Brothers/Sisters, and he handled it from then out. Jason's mom was pretty upset - not really because of my struggle, but because her son got grilled by Children's Services without her knowledge or consent - they had to make sure I never did anything inappropriate with him. I never saw Jason again. His mom emails me and reads and comments on my blog, so she has gotten past her anger, but for months I couldn't sleep well, and my life was never the same.

Looking back, I realize in a sense I was blackmailed, and had I wanted to go public, with a good lawyer, I may have had a case, but that ordeal, and more recently, the Sunday School lesson about same-sex marriage, made me realize I am better off the fewer people who know my secret. Sure, my other co-workers told me they admired me for how I handled the situation, forgiving the people involved, but I was worse off for what had been done.

It isn't easy carrying this secret. People, mostly Christians, make anti-gay comments around me, having no idea that are hurting me. I worry what my life would be like if it ever got totally out. I definitely wouldn't be an overnight hero, like Clark Kent. I fear I would be looked at as a freak, a child molester, and most people would steer clear.

I wish the day would come that the church still views homosexuality as a sin and takes a stand against it, but that Christians as a majority would realize that there are people like me. People who wonder why this happened to them, how it happened, and struggle daily to live a Christian life in spite of having these desires, and would have compassion, not disgust and mistrust. That they would love them and do their best to help & encourage them in their struggle.

I know I am jaded and skeptical, but I doubt that day will ever come. There are people who are the exception. There is a super nice guy who reads this blog, and my other blog - and he seems to get it. And there are others, but I fear the majority of evangelical Christians may never "get it". All to many believe it is a choice - are they nuts?! - and that anyone having same-sex desires is just waiting to sexually molest their kids. Maybe I am wrong, but unless Christians are educated and become more compassionate, it will never happen.

In the Smallville episode last night, Clark Kent was able to turn back time 2 days before he told the world his secret. He decided in the end that the fewer people who knew his secret, the better off he was.

That's where I am. I feel the fewer people who know my secret, the better off I am. Sure, the more people who would pray for me knowing of my struggle, the better I would be in that respect, but I fear the backlash and fear I would meet would outweigh that, so for now, I struggle mostly in silence. Even those who know of my struggles never ask about it, or how I'm doing, and I have come to the realization that I can't depend on others. Sure, I can use all the prayer I can get, but most Christians in my world can't handle the issue, so I can't depend on them, I have to keep marching forward regardless.

That is why I started this blog. On this blog, I can be open about what life is like for a Christian struggling with homosexuality, and yet remain anonymous. And to anyone who reads it and says even one prayer for me - thank-you.