I didn't get to where I am overnight - to the point that I am wondering if we are right that homosexuality is wrong. To the point that I wonder if God really cares - if He even exists.
I'm tired. Tired of fighting, struggling. Of dealing with this sin, this cross I have been forced to carry. Oh, I have caved a lot over the years. No one that has dealt with this sin would understand the pull, the attractions. The lonliness. I am so tired of hiding who I am, hiding what I deal with. Tired of being ashamed of who and what I am. Tired of the self-loathing.
I have begged God to make me normal. Begged Him to take these desires away - and He doesn't.
I realized I was gay at age 21, and since then have tried to not be, but to no avail. I don't ascribe to the "born gay" theory. I don't think I was gay as a kid. Teenager? Most likely. I can remember liking to look at other guys as a teen, especially guys who were shirtless. Back then, I was so sheltered and naive' that I knew nothing about homosexuality, so was I as a teenager? Looking back - yes.
I have been disappointed with the Church's response and solution to being gay. All too many Christians say it is a choice..... really? Who would choose this? No one in their right mind. Too many also equate it with child molestors. Never mind the majority of child molestors are heterosexual. Also too many are homophobic and seem to have a fear that a gay person is going to rub off on them or rape them.
Even the Christians who know someone is gay, like myself, fail miserably. They tell me they will pray for me - and I am not discounting that, but this isn't your average sin... if it really is a sin. The gay person is dealing with a lot, and needs more than a pat on the back and prayer. He needs love, companionship, understanding..... and usually doesn't get that.
There are churches that get it. Some have specific ministries for gay people. Christians who will help mentor and be there for them.... wish I could go to one of them.
There have been two of my pastors who have worked with me and tried to help. My former pastor and my current pastor. They really tried. They both spent a lot of time counseling me and praying with me, but I say with a 99% certainty that neither of them ever read a book on homosexuality, on how to counsel a gay person, or anything about it. They both treated it like any other sin... and it isn't.
I met with my pastor a couple of weeks ago. I laid it all out for him - that I have totally given up on being a Christian, that I don't even want to be right now, that I am even doubting God's existence, that I am on the verge of walking away from the church and embracing homosexuality. His reply? He said he would be praying for me - good - to call him any time I need to - good - and to pray and trust God - bad. Been there, done that. Didn't work, and I am tired of trying.
I really can't see living like this for the rest of my life. Pardon my language, but so far my adult life has sucked. Too many days and nights of lonliness. Is it any wonder I sought solace in pornography and countless anonymous encounters? I really wonder if I might have been better off if I had sought out an actual relationship and stuck to that..... that is one reason I am eyeing that idea so intensely right now. I am lonely - very lonely - and tired of it. Sick of it. And sick and tired of the church telling me I just need to pray. That God is all I need, and He will be there. Guess what? God isn't enough. I need flesh and blood people to love me, hang out with me. The average gay guy who is out has plenty of friends to hang out with. The average gay male in the church who is trying to do right has..... none. If C hristianity and God is so wonderful why is that? Why must I live a life of loneliness?
I was going to post a letter I ran across some time ago, but I am going on too long, so check out the next post..... Anonymous Letter from a Homosexual to the Church
4 comments:
Hey there! Just read a bunch of your blog. Somehow I had never seen it before despite reading tons of SSA blogs often since starting my blog earlier this year. I also struggle with SSA. Thanks for posting on my blog as it let me find yours! Just want to say I relate to so much of what you have written. Its really tough. Just remember that people in the church are not perfect so they will fail us. It is just really hard for them to imagine what it is like I think. If they could live one day in our shoes then things would be different and they could understand. Its not a choice and no one would ever choose it. Sure its a choice to act on it but to have the attractions? For those that grew up in the church why would we choose to be like this when everything we were always taught said how wrong it was and all the peer pressure was to have a GF and wife and family?
Hey have you read "Washed and Waiting" by Wesley Hill? If not check it out. Its the first book on this I have read where it was not all about how to heal myself but instead on how to live with this the way I am. Its a very honest book that really addresses the many issues of loneliness, doubt, and all the struggles we face as Christians with SSA. Its up to God to heal me if He wants. My job is to honor Him the best I can despite this rather large burden (which for some reason He must think I can handle). I think its a really important book that I hope leaders in the church read as they may finally see what its like.
Anyways I just said a prayer for you bro. While the rest of the church may not understand there are many other SSA Christian guys who do understand and we can pray for eachother!
Anyways thanks for being so honest on this blog. You have posted some great stuff here from what I have read skimming some posts. Life is not as easy for us as "normal" people but we know better than most of them ever will of Gods grace and being utterly weak and what it means to need a savior! In some ways maybe that is a gift God has given us? Our weakness can drive us to God. I often have wondered what my life would be like if I did not struggle with SSA. Its very possible I would be arrogant and think I dont need God since life would be what I consider "perfect". I could have a wife, a house in the suburbs, 2.5 kids, a white picket fence etc... But maybe God knew if I had all that I would not even be a Christian and would just be happy with material things? I dont know just something I think about at times when I am down.
Hey there! Just read a bunch of your blog. Somehow I had never seen it before despite reading tons of SSA blogs often since starting my blog earlier this year. I also struggle with SSA. Thanks for posting on my blog as it let me find yours! Just want to say I relate to so much of what you have written. Its really tough. Just remember that people in the church are not perfect so they will fail us. It is just really hard for them to imagine what it is like I think. If they could live one day in our shoes then things would be different and they could understand. Its not a choice and no one would ever choose it. Sure its a choice to act on it but to have the attractions? For those that grew up in the church why would we choose to be like this when everything we were always taught said how wrong it was and all the peer pressure was to have a GF and wife and family?
Hey have you read "Washed and Waiting" by Wesley Hill? If not check it out. Its the first book on this I have read where it was not all about how to heal myself but instead on how to live with this the way I am. Its a very honest book that really addresses the many issues of loneliness, doubt, and all the struggles we face as Christians with SSA. Its up to God to heal me if He wants. My job is to honor Him the best I can despite this rather large burden (which for some reason He must think I can handle). I think its a really important book that I hope leaders in the church read as they may finally see what its like.
Anyways I just said a prayer for you bro. While the rest of the church may not understand there are many other SSA Christian guys who do understand and we can pray for eachother!
Anyways thanks for being so honest on this blog. You have posted some great stuff here from what I have read skimming some posts. Life is not as easy for us as "normal" people but we know better than most of them ever will of Gods grace and being utterly weak and what it means to need a savior! In some ways maybe that is a gift God has given us? Our weakness can drive us to God. I often have wondered what my life would be like if I did not struggle with SSA. Its very possible I would be arrogant and think I dont need God since life would be what I consider "perfect". I could have a wife, a house in the suburbs, 2.5 kids, a white picket fence etc... But maybe God knew if I had all that I would not even be a Christian and would just be happy with material things? I dont know just something I think about at times when I am down.
I posted a comment on one of your blog entries sometime back since I related to much of what you wrote. You didn't post for a while, so I assumed you had dropped the blog. With everything shut down in the Southeast today because of the snow and ice, I browsed the Net and again located your blog.....some great entries and insights that I had missed.
Needless to say, I understand but am troubled by the spiritual issues you wrote about in the Fall. How I yearn for God to send a friend into your life to "do life together" with you and be there to provide the flesh and blood expression of His unconditional love for you...someone to accept you just as you are and provide the mutual approval, support and encouragement that only a true friend can give.....all those great "iron sharpens iron" type things that we read about in Proverbs.
You have so very much to give to others. I'm confident God hasn't abandoned you after all He has brought you through.
I once had an "understanding" friend that I was able to talk with about SSA and other issues on our spiritual journey. But God also used us in each other's lives to just enjoy life, not wrestle with the heavy stuff all the time. When struggling with loneliness, I know how helpful it is to have someone who can tell me to just chill and make me laugh. Unfortnately, that friend lost his longtime struggle with alcohol and broke off his connection with me and all his Christian friends.
Please hang in there. Your silence from both your blogs since October concerns me, but I'm confident God hasn't deserted you and is doing something signifcant in your life (we'll have to have a chat about Calvinism some day). I pray that you will be encouraged to continue to share so openly and honestly your journey with me and others.
Little I could add to what was commented above by attyatl. I understand that, being now in 2017, much water has rolled under the bridge.
Loneliness is really bad. We were not created to be lonely. Much of your revolt is against loneliness, not sexual.
I do not know how you are at the moment with your church and pastor, but I strongly recommend that you do seek Christian fellowship. And if your current church does not offer that, I guess it's time to switch churches, even if you have to go to one where you not necessarily agree 100% with their doctrine.
Alexei
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