I haven't blogged on here since October. To be honest, my depression is so bad that I rarely feel like blogging, much less anything else.... but the mood hit me to blog, so here goes.
Depression. I can hardly remember what it feels like to not be depressed. I feel so hopeless all of the time. Life just isn't worth living, and I am so tired. Tired of feeling this way, tired of being so lonely, tired of failing. Tired of trying new medications. I have been doctoring for it for several months now, and all I have to show for it is wasted money - money wasted on doctors visits and medications that don't do any good.
At this point I am wondering if I will ever not be depressed. Is there an end to it? Parts of me feel as long as the circumstances exist that depress me, I will be depressed. I have a doctor appointment later this month and I feel like canceling. I am so tired of having to tell the doctor the meds aren't working and having to try another.
The gay crap. Sometimes I wish I could believe it was ok with God, but I can't get around what the Bible says. And to people who claim otherwise, why is the Bible supposedly wrong on that sin - if it is wrong on it, why not others?
Loneliness. I need other guys to hang out with, and don't have that. I won't go into all of the details, but just a few weeks ago I had a little fight with my parents over my trying to find a friend. My mom told me all single guys are homos or druggies. Made me feel really good, but showed me they will always assume the worst with me. And if I ever do find a guy close my age to hang out with, they will definitely assume the worst. That really made me feel great.
I can't count the amount of times daily that I wish I could kill myself, much less per week. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know, believe the way I believe so I could go through with it. Thing is, I don't believe in the "once saved always saved." I believe, unless the person is mentally off, that suicide is a straight one way ticket to hell. And if you believe otherwise, do not try to convince me otherwise. That belief, and what it would do to my family if I killed myself, are all that keeps me from doing it.
God. I have walked away from God over the years. Most of the time it has been my sexual struggles. I would fall over and over. This time, it is different. The depression and discouragement just snowballed. No one knew how much - or they didn't care. I have always really struggled to believe in God's love. That He even cares for me. Last year, I just got tired of begging God to help me, tired of trying to pray and have faith. This time, I didn't so much walk away from God, as just giving up. I don't have the energy to try anymore. To try pleasing this God who seemingly ignores my struggles and hurts. Tired of begging God to change me. Tired of asking for simple things like a friend to hang out with. For peace.
I don't know if I can come back this time. It seems like years of questions and doubts about God accumulated last year and buried me. God either truly doesn't care about me, or He doesn't even exist.
I am still staying with my parents working a part time job. I have tried some to find full time work, but as much as it sounds like an excuse, I am too depressed to even work at that much. And I am scared to try it on my own again. The last time I lived alone I went into debt and had trouble paying my bills. That ended in bankruptcy last year. I have no skills. The only kind of jobs I can get are minimum wage, and it is pretty hard to live on that.
I look at the future and don't think I can do it. This thing called life. To live the rest of my life alone. To deal with same-sex attractions and desires for the rest of my life. To look in the mirror day after day and see failure.
I am regressing. Well into my 20's, I truly believed that no one liked me. It was so bad, that when I was in public, I felt people who didn't even know me looked at me and didn't like me. That I had some flaw in me that was visible to the world letting them know I was worthless. Those feelings have come back - though not to the same degree. I feel like no one really likes me, most of all God.
I still go to church - my parents are the type of people who would expect anyone under their roof to do so, so I go every week, sit in my pew and wish for it to be over. I even have suicidal thoughts during church. Weird. I don't mean to make my parents sound evil, for they would do anything for me, except let me grow up, make my own decisions. They couldn't handle having a kid who isn't a Christian, so I let them believe that I am, but inside I hate church, and even God. I feel God, the church, and His people have all let me down - and what is left?
I can't remember the last time I read my Bible - probably close to a year, if not at least a year. Most likely that long since I prayed or tried to pray.
I just don't get God. It seems when I need Him the worst, He goes AWOL. I read a book recently that is really good - Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. He struggles with same-sex attractions and had a lot of good things to say in the book. One thing he said has really stuck with me. That people who struggle with same-sex attractions have a struggle to believe God loves them and cares about them. I had never really thought about that, but he may be right. And if he is, then why doesn't God do more to help us in that area? I have begged God to show me He loves me, and nothing ever happened. He just doesn't care. And is it possible to serve Him when I feel that way? I fear it is not.
If the people around me knew how I feel, the total despair and hopelessness, could see my thoughts, they would probably have me locked up in a rubber room.
But I can't do it. Kill myself. I am not that stupid. Is life worth living? No it isn't, but it is better than hell. The worst here is better than that. So I will keep living - or maybe I should call it "existing" and wish things were different and better.
If anyone still reads my blog, I apologize for a depressing post like this, but just saying where I'm at.
3 comments:
I just dropped by to read your blog. You are sure going through some rough times and having depression, suicidal thoughts and dealing with gay desires makes it even harder. Just the fact that you are still alive is proof that God is working in your life. He is giving you hope even though you don't feel there is.
As I read your post I can feel your hurt and pain. It is like you are a little boy living in a man's body. I don't say that lightly because as I look at myself I often feel too like a little boy in need of someone to understand and love me as I am. As I was reading a book the other day the author was talking about relating to God as Father and he made a statement that really spoke to me. He said, "My name is Brennan Manning, and I'm Daddy's little boy." (Brennan is the author of the book "The Furious Longing of God"). Try inserting your name in place of his, that is placing yourself in God's hands. Perhaps authority figures have failed you in the past and it distorted your vision of who God the Father really is. I am doing this because I know I have to to survive and grow beyond the past with its pain and struggle.
Praying that the coming days will bring changes for you where things will be easier to deal with. Take good care of yourself.
Doing some research and came across your blog about Kirk Talley and ray Boltz. I met Ray Boltz before he became famous I knew he was Gay when I met him. Working in the music industry I can often see it even when people don't profess or confess it.
What people do not realize is that satan has access to our feelings, emotions, even our dreams. Satan knows what works because we are not the first in our family to be tempted with what ever our weakness is. What I often call our pet sin, the sin that gives us the most problems. God can and will deliver us when we realize who and whose we are. God delivered me from my pet sin the day I realized that I was not the person that was falling victim to that sin. When I realized that God created me and wanted better for me that I really was not the person doing the things that I was doing. That was someone else, I no longer have desires that I used to have. When you realize that it is not you but satan constantly tempting and attacking you. When you make up in your mind that the person with those thoughts and feeling is not you. God loves you and created you for so much more than what satan is tempting you with. It will just happen. One day you'll look up and those feelings will be gone permanently. God will putn a hedge of protection around you and tell satan and his imps that's enough no more leave him alone. Tell yourself over and over again that's not me that's what satan wants me to be. Look over your family tree you'll find that you were not the first.
Today is May 5th 2017 - some six years later. You were in great pain, I think at the time you only needed someone to listen to you (in this case, read).
Please count on me to hear and pray for you whenever you need.
Alexei
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