The loneliness factor

No one gets it. There are several people who know about my gay issue. Most of them never mention it, and I wonder if some of them even remember. The few that do talk about it have absolutely no clue what it is like to be attracted to the wrong gender. To want love, a relationship, a family.... and never be able to have that. Oh, they give pat little answers, but they have no real solution, no true way of helping.

I have fought being gay for years, stumbling, falling, having sexual encounters with multiple men. I wanted to be wanted. Things have changed. Oh, there is just as much attraction for the same sex, but sex isn't what I want. I want to be held, to be loved, wanted, desired. I don't want to be lonely. Yet I am between the proverbial rock and hard place.... I don't think it is possible for me to ever love, be attracted to, have sex with.... a woman. And if Christians are right, if the Bible is right...... it is wrong for me to do that with a man.

The old maxim is so true. Not to judge another til you walk in his shoes. Christians abhore homosexuality, more than any other sin. They look down on men who want to be with men, or women with women..... but they have no clue what it is like.

I have been lonely for most of my life. I was picked on and bullied in school and even some in Bible college. I longed to be liked, for people to want to be around, but instead, I felt no one liked me. I eventually grew out of feeling that way, but still have a hard time believing someone would like me, want me as a friend or more.

For years I never had a true male friend. Someone to hang out with, call, just hang out with. Enter Steven. He also struggles with same-sex attractions. Through a mininstry opportunity for him, we met and quickly became friends. I was at a point where I wanted to get away from it all, so I moved 400 miles away and we shared an apartment for 2 years. Sounds like a bad idea, 2 guys struggling with SSA living together, but it worked well. We both needed a friend, and that is what we were.

Those were 2 of the best years of my life. For so long, I had never had someone to go shopping with, watch movies with, just hang out - and now I did. He became like a brother.

But real life always intrudes. My mom was suffering from depression. I felt guilt because they were against my move. I also missed seeing my nieces and nephews, as I couldn't come back as often as I wished. I made the hard decision to move back. Ever since, I question that move.

Two years and 3 months later, most of my belongings are in storage, and I am still staying with my parents, still only have a part time job. I am more lonely than ever, have depression, have been majorly discouraged, and am disillusioned with life, God, the church. I have given up spiritually. Some believe once you are saved, you can never miss heaven, never walk away from God. I disagree, for I have walked away. Maybe more on that later.

I have had guys that wanted a relationship with me in the past, and I always passed up on it. I am to the point now that I have never, ever been in. I want a relationship with another guy. Not just sex, but inimacy, love. I want to "out" myself..... quit hiding who I am. Yet, I cannot hurt my family. They are the reason I hide it. And can I have a relationship without them knowing?

I am fed up with the strugggle. With being lonely. With never being set free. Oh, we read it, hear it preached - Christ sets the prisoner free. He breaks the chains. But does He? I have never felt my chains were broken. I have never felt free. Oh, I asked forgiveness, tried to live for God, but the chains were still there. I just did a better job of not giving in at some times.

I am even wondering if gay really is wrong. More on that later. I am starting a new blog to run alongside this one.( Struggling on the Journey). But if you're reading this and you believe gay is wrong....... what are my options? A life of being held by chains, a life of being lonely?