For anyone who actually has read anything posted on this blog, some of this may be repetitious, but I need some background to get to the main part of my post.
I grew up around girls. Two sisters and I. I remember getting picked on by my male cousins at a very young age - just setting the stage for my pre-teens and teen years.
The older I got, the worse the bullying and picking on got. Not only was I the last kid picked in sports, there were comments made about each team not wanting me. I hated gym class, being forced to play sports I disliked, had no interest in, and in some cases, didn't know how to play. My grades in gym class were steady C's.
My parents had been away from God for some years, and got back to God when I was going on 12 years old. I had been in Sunday School sporadically up to that time, and attended a Christian school, so I wasn't completely unknowledgable about Christianity, but I was close to being so. Their getting back to God totally changed our lives. We went to church all the time after that. I went to the altar and prayed and asked God to save me also. Looking back, I can't really remember why I went..... whether it was a desire to be like my parents, or a genuine desire to know God. But that trip to the altar began a lifetime of a up and down Christian experience.
The bullying got worse at school the older I got. In addition to sports being part of the equation, I was the only kid, other than my sister, in the junior high-high school grades serving God - in a Christian school.
In 7th grade, I discovered sex. I came back from summer vacation and it seemed all the other kids in my grade discovered it over the summer. It gave them something else to tease me and make fun of me about. Around the age of 13 or 14, some stuff went on that helped set the tone for my having same-sex attractions - stuff I won't go into detail here, but some other male students took advantage of the fact that I was so easily manipulated and bullied into doing things.
I also discovered the act of "sexual self gratification" all on my own. No one had ever talked to me about sex - other than classmates. I felt it was very wrong, but became addicted to it. Every time I did it, I felt I had fallen away from God and would give up on being a Christian until I was in a church service where there was an altar call, and up to the altar I would go. Looking back, that one issue is pretty much the reason for my up and down experience in my teen and even early 20's.
My church is right on some things, and other things........ not so much. I grew up hearing so many "hell and brimstone messages", and can't remember many messages about God's love. I would say most of the times I went to the altar I was scared into going. The minister would tell some scary story about someone being in a altar service, and they didn't go to the altar, and stepped out of the church into the path of a semi and was mowed down - ok, not quite like that, but you get the point. Sometimes I went to the altar even though I thought I was in the right place, but they said the right words that made me go for fear of what would happen if I didn't.
I was not raised on the doctrine of "once saved, always saved." I see a lot of problems with it. For instance, people who believe that way seem to believe God can stop us from some sins - i.e. murder, drugs, but other "smaller" sins can't be stopped - anyway...... I see that doctrine as dangerous, but so is what I grew up under. The message I got - not necessarily in these words - was that God was just waiting for me to mess up so He could wipe my name out of the Book of Life. I grew up to see God with a whip just waiting for me to mess up. I often find myself thinking there has got to be something in between - not sinning every day, but also not feeling like God is just waiting for me to mess up.
Sometimes I wonder if I have tried to serve God for the wrong reasons. I grew up thinking no one liked me, that I was worthless, couldn't do anything right (my how things haven't changed). I felt my dad never loved me or approved of me because I wasn't interested in sports and hunting. I could never fully believe God loves me. I never felt love for Him, yet I felt this need to serve Him. But why?
First off, my parents. They just couldn't handle a child not serving God. I somehow got the idea as a young pre-teen that they wouldn't love me if I wasn't a Christian, so I'd lie when they would ask me how I was doing spiritually. I still do that.
The gun to my head. We really don't have a choice - get real. Serve God or burn forver in hell. Its like me pointing a gun to your head and telling you that you have to do exactly as I say the rest of your life, or I will pull the trigger. Is that a choice? Is that love? No - and yet we say God loves us...... but if we don't do as exactly as He says for the rest of our lives, He will drop us in a fiery hell and torture us forever - we have a label for people who torture people not as bad as that - and it isn't love. Someone that does that is a sadist and evil - so how can God really be that loving and give us a choice, when He is going to do that to all who don't choose Him?
I have to admit for most of my life, I have tried to serve God to make my family happy, to escape hell, and one more - guilt. At times when I was away from God - backslid, whatever term you want to use, the guilt would get so great that I would come back to God, and ask forgiveness - but it never lasted. A few months, weeks, or even days, and I would again be having sex with some anonymous guy.
I quit going to the altar at some point. I heard too many preachers talk about "hanging over the altar like a sack of wheat" (or something similar) and praying into your arm. You need to pray out loud, confess your sins. Really?! With the gossips in my church, I should confess MY sins for everyone to hear? No way - I will do my praying at home - and that is what I started doing. If I felt I needed to go to the altar, I would promise God I'd pray at home - and I don't think I ever broke that promise. The altar became something to avoid. Another altar issue..... they would hold the altar call off so long that often I had prayed and was done when the people gathered around to pray, so I'd just kneel there and let them pray for me wishing they'd finish so I could go back to my seat.
Yeah - realizing I was gay didn't help. I was sure I was doomed once I realized what was going on with me. No one who has not dealt with same-sex attractions gets it - and can't. You have to be there. Just imagine that it was morally wrong to be attracted to whatever sex you are married to and/or attracted to. Everywhere you go, you have to fight it. Add loneliness. It can be pure hell. And at this point in my life, were it not for my family and the fear of going too far into it, I would throw myself 100% into the gay lifestyle - oh, I have been in and out of it for 20+ years now, but not 100%.
I actually wonder if I can have an actual relationship with God at this point. Should I even try, if my reasons are wrong? And its always been this way - me not loving God, feeling He doesn't love me. Sure, it has gotten worse, but I didn't choose to have this struggle/issue. Should someone like me just walk away from God and the church and give up the idea totally of being a Christian?
I asked this question on a Christian site once - how does a person who doesn't believe God loves them, and does not love God, overcome that and be able to serve God? And the reply I got - why do you even want to be a Christian in that case? Good question. I don't want to go to hell, so is it fair to tell someone like me to not even try to be a Christian?
Most days, I don't want to be a Christian. My experience with being one hasn't been that great. People say there are no disappointments with God - well He has disappointed me many times. Sometimes I wonder if I ever had any Christian experience and just got something like a band-aid when I would go to an altar to pray.
I'm sure a lot of the problem lies in my image of God - but how do I change that? How do I believe that I matter to Him and that He loves me? The idea is a foreign concept to me. I have lived for so long believing no one likes me, not even God, and that I have to do more to be accepted and loved by Him, the people around me - my family - I feel they couldn't love me as much if I wasn't a Christian - or in this case, letting them think that I am.
Very few people know the real me. The me that hides a scared little boy that is still inside. I am afraid to even add people as friends on facebook, for I fear rejection so much. I don't make friends easily for the same reason.
It hasn't helped that things changed so much for me with my church while living elsewhere for two years. I moved back and it seems people don't care about me anymore that used to. Friends that I had just aren't there anymore. My own pastor is going on a year now (next month) that he has asked me how I was doing - the last time we met I told him stuff I would think would have him concerned...... but where is he?
The depression hasn't helped. It clouds the already cloudy spiritual issues and makes it hard to differentiate between the emotional and spiritual.
I feel like I have lost hope and faith. I'm not going to kill myself - fear of hell mostly - and wouldn't do that to my family - but I see no reason to live, and can't imagine God would make that much difference. At my highest spiritual times, I was still lonely, often driven to seek out anonymous sexual encounters to fill that loneliness, if even briefly.
I look at what I have become, and loathe myself. I want to change so much about me, but it all seems so hopeless and impossible. I keep going to church to keep the family happy, but most of the time I would rather just stay home. Church just seems so useless and worthless to me. I go and sit in my pew and find myself thinking the same things I do when not there - that I wish I could just die and go to Heaven - lovely stuff to be thinking in church.
I was happier when I was living in another state - it wasn't perfect, but I had a friend to hang out with - but thats another story and there are reasons why I can't go back.
There has just got to be more to life than this. Loneliness, anger at God and the church, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness - being a Christian doesn't do away with all that. I know - I've been there.
At my worst moments, I find myself wondering if God really exists. The idea of a God who has just always been...... maybe I am turning into an agnostic, or borderline.
Yet, the Christian music and books still draw me. I have never had much interest in secular music or books - even now, feeling a million miles from God, but I still enjoy Christian books and music about this same God who I secretly believe doesn't necessarily hate me, but I am just of no importance to. I wonder sometimes if the reason He has let me live is because I'm not even worth the effort it would take to kill me - yeah, I actually think stuff like that.
Is there hope for me? I don't know. To ever truly have a relationship with Jesus Christ, my image of Him needs to change - but it seems that is something I have to do - and how do I do that? Why is God not willing to do anything to change that image? Why has He ignored so many prayers over the years - times I begged Him to show me or help me believe that He loved me, only to be disappointed and let down again? What if He isn't the only God?
Some say my church has too many rules - and they do. I have come to not believe and practice some of them, yet there are priniciples of modesty and separation of the sexes that too many churches just throw out - so I am divided on some of that stuff, but I do know this...... I have kept the rules for years and it did nothing for me. The sex rules - no, didn't keep them, but that wasn't something I heard much about as a teenager and young person - but keeping the Sabbath, etc - heard a lot about that. Sadly, it bothers me more to break the Sabbath then to engage in a sexual act with another man.
Well, this has been jumbled, but I felt like blogging, so here it is.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
My reply to John on Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and the Struggle
One of my pet peeves is when someone comments on one of my blogs with a registered user name, but no user profile or way to contact them. In the case of John, I'd like to reply to him, but there is no way other than a blog post, and I have no guarantee he will read this. He commented on a blog post I did some time back titled Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and the Struggle. Here is his comment: I found this blog from doing a search on the Talley Trio who happen to live in my small town here in East Tennessee. My Grandmother use to love the Talley's and I have met Kirk a couple times when I was younger ( he does not know me ), the last time was a year ago. I was shocked to see him waiting tables at a restaurant in Sevierville, Tn. I was curious as to why a man with his talent was working as a waiter. I looked up his name and found a couple stories that he was / is gay and also saw some pretty ugly things being said about him on so-called Christian web sites. First of all let me say that I am a 45 year old straight man who has been married since I was 18. Several years ago my 20 year old son called me and asked if I would like to go to lunch and talk. During our lunch he told me that he was gay..........yes, I was shocked. After the initial shock wore off I started to worry about him and would God except him in to Heaven. I prayed about it and I found peace in knowing that this is the way God made him and I know he would not turn his back on my son. In the 45 years I have been alive, not at one time have I ever thought I might be gay or any desires that would make me think that. That being said I knew at that point it was all going to be alright. It's almost like someone saying you can only get into Heaven if you are black, or female, or......well you get the point, we can't change who we are. I know without any doubt that God loves my son more than I do and that's a lot of love. I don't personally know Kirk but if I could set down with him and talk, I would tell him to stop living his life the way man thinks he should live and just do what God has put him on this earth to do. I am so happy that when the day comes that I leave this world I won't be judged by our high profile Christian leaders of today and they should also be as thankful. Our God expects a lot out of us, but to be something we're not is not one of them. If you really want to lead people to Christ, stop trying to figure out a way to change them, it's not your job. Love them, witness by example, let them see the joy in your heart, after a while they will want the same peace and joy you have.
I will try not to be long and belabor my points, as John may never even read this.
First off, John.. I think it is awesome that you didn't disown your son or react negatively about his sexuality. Kudos to you for that. That being said.....
God does not make anyone gay! You say you accept him the way God made him - you need to study from a Christian perspective what makes people gay - and it isn't God. It is negative things, such as bullying, no bonding with males their age, poor relationship with their father, controlling mother, low self image - stuff like that.
Acting homosexuals will go to hell. From the sound of it, you either believe your son is a Christian and gay, or you just assume he will go to Heaven no matter what. The Bible is very clear that an acting homosexual will go to hell, as a murder, thief, adulterer, etc. I wish it were not so, but a gay Christian must be celibate to be a Christian. I've read the arguments, and they are hogwash..... and if you believe them, then why are all of the other sexual acts God condemned still a sin? Bestiality, rape, adultery, incest....... just because society accepts something as normal and not a sin does not change the Bible!
If your son is having sex with other men, he is not a Christian according to the Bible. Not according to me - according to the Bible. Unless he changes, the day will come he will stand at the judgment and curse you to your face for enabling him, for not trying to help rescue him from his sins.
If your son was a murderer, a drug addict, a thief, would you enable him, pat him on the back and tell him he was going to Heaven? No! You will be guilty of helping to send your son to hell for eternity because you choose to accept his sin and let him believe he is ok.
I'm gay. I struggle. God and I are a million miles away, but I know what the Bible says. I know what I must do to be a Christian, to get to Heaven, and one thing is to avoid lust and sex with other men.
I feel sorry for you and your son. Yes, love him, but don't accept his sin. And make the most of the days you have, for unless he changes, you will be separated for all of eternity. Harsh words? Yes, but true.
Your closing comment.... we are not who is telling people how to live - God is, through his Word. May God have mercy on your son and open his eyes to the truth since his own father is failing him and helping to send him to Hell.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Stuff
It seems any time I post on here it is because things are going bad, but sometimes I just need an outlet. No one gets me, understands...... so talking about crap doesn't do any good. If anyone actually reads this, look out, rambling ahead.
I feel trapped. I am so sick of life - of existing, yet there is no way out. It seems unfair - we get no choice about being here, but we are stuck, unless one is stupid enough to commit suicide - but that isn't an option God allows - do that and its a one way fast ticket to an eternity in hell.
June will mark an anniversary. 3 years of being back here after moving away for 2 years. 3 years of staying with my parents, of having most everything I own in storage, getting ruined day by day, 3 years of sleeping on a sofa bed, not really having any privacy. 3 years of failure, though if I were honest, it would be close to 42 years of failure.
It isn't any fun making the admission that one is a failure, but when I look at my past - and future, failure and hopelessness is all I see - and loneliness.
Fear and failure has ruled my life. I have never had a good job, always working in minimum wage jobs. Oh, I've tried for better, but never got it. I'm not the type of person they hire for good jobs. And my resume' is just a list of minimum wage jobs, average jobs. I have no skills, am not good at anything - is it no wonder I can't get a good job - full time, benefits, paid days off, etc....
Even now, I am working part time, unable to afford a place of my own. But even if I get a full time job, would I be able to afford my own place? I am afraid not. And truth be told, after having to file bankruptcy last year, I am afraid to try. The last time I lived alone, was when it all snowballed. Using credit cards to afford gas and food. Sure, there was wasteful spending too, but that wasn't the whole issue. I am terrified that I will never be able to stand on my own two feet and be independent.
My little sister wants me to move to their area, about 2 1/2 hours away, as she feels the work situation is better there. The idea is not new to me, as I have considered it, but the jobs she is finding are minimum wage - how am I supposed to survive on that? Pay my bills, live......
All I see when I look in the mirror is a failure. Gay, not able to marry and have a family, condemned to a life of loneliness, not good at anything, living with my parents at the age of 41 - what hope is there? And God? I don't know if I can ever come back. I have lost faith and hope. To me, God is a cruel taskmaster, just waiting for us to mess up. And the more I think about Him, the more He seems to be that way.
I have more than one example, but a big one I have been thinking about is Hell. If a human set a person on fire, we'd call them a sadist. If they had a way to keep that person alive and torture them for an extended amount of time, we'd call them worse. Yet, God is going to do that. Send people to burn forever, just because they didn't do what He wants. What a loving God.
Oh, and I hear the arguments - God doesn't send people to hell, their own actions do. So, if I hold a gun to your head and tell you I will shoot you if you don't do what I want, is it you sending yourself to a grave if you refuse and I shoot you?
And hell not being created for humans? God knew when He made Hell that man would sin and that He would send all sinners there who did not follow Him....
This depression crap doesn't help. I am so tired of wasting money on doctor visits, on new medications that either don't help at all, or help for a while. I really wish suicide was an option, but I'm not that stupid - I know the worst here is far better than an eternity in hell.
June will also mark another anniversary. It will mark 2 years of my best friend smoking - something that bothers me far more than I could ever get across to him. I lost an uncle to cancer from smoking, I don't want to lose my best friend to cancer. I warned him and begged him to quit as soon as he started - warned that he'd become addicted, but oh no - he would quit before he got addicted. And now he is close to the 2 year mark of doing it. I worry about him daily. Every time I see someone smoking, it hits me, every time someone walks by me at work reeking of cigarette smoke, it hits me..... my best friend does that, and it could kill him.
And yet, is it that bad of an idea? Some days I am tempted to take up some habit that would shorten my life. Life just isn't worth living, and if there was some way I could shorten it with not a lot of suffering, and yet in a way that wouldn't be suicide..... I'd do it. Smoking is out for me - costs too much, and cancer is a long and painful way to go - something I wish my friend would get through his idiotic brain. I tell him I hope I die before I see that, and he yells at me for saying that stuff, yet he is slowly killing himself and that is ok? Maybe it is a good thing we are separated by miles for if not, I would surely have shoved his cigarettes down his throat by now and ended the only friendship I have.
Maybe that is why we are still friends - he isn't around me much. Everyone else has deserted me. I used to have friends here - at church and outside of church, but not anymore. Oh, I have people who would say they are my friends, but I don't believe that. None of them have reconnected with me since moving back. I wonder if I moved suddenly how many of them would even notice I was gone.
I have close to 300 facebook friends, but how many of them really care about me. I've been really open about suffering from depression, but no one ever asks how I'm doing. A lot of people know I am gay, but no one ever wants to talk about it.
I feel like I am dying slowly on the inside, and people are ignoring the fact. So often when people do kill themselves, everyone is shocked and say they thought all was well, didn't see it coming, etc. I am NOT going to kill myself, but if I did, could people say that? When so many know the truth about me?
There is a song I have always identified with. This all didn't start yesterday. It started as a young boy, daily being picked on and bullied by my fellow classmates - even my own cousins, of being made to feel inferior for years, by so many.
Nobody saw, nobody noticed just how it started
Wounds that were silent, wordless and cruel tore me apart
And nobody saw how I died
Died inch by inch on the inside
Hurt by hurt, the painful memories waited in line
The painful memories waited in line
Hurt by hurt, I built the wall one hurt at a time.
Back in school, I wondered why the teachers didn't do something. Surely they weren't completely blind to what I was going through. My parents had an idea, and didn't do anything. Why? Even back then did they think down deep that I was worthless and a failure too?
The scene has changed, but I haven't. I am still a scared little boy on the inside, feeling worthless, and feeling no one likes me or wants me. Instead of other kids, it is life and the devil beating me up. And instead of parents and teachers looking the other way, God is.
Is there really any way to overcome my past? As far back as I can remember, I have felt like a failure, worthless. Feeling no one really loved me or liked me, not even God. Maybe especially God. Being amazed when someone seems to actually like me, and secretly wondering if down deep, they don't.
I crave friendship, companionship, yet it seems I do my best to alienate people. Blogging about stuff that will tick people off, making comments on facebook that will tick people off. What is up with that?! I don't know if I crave attention so much that I do something to get negative attention..... if I am doing that, I'm not doing it consciously.
I feel so messed up, I fear I will never be normal. I've prayed, but God doesn't seem inclined to answer my prayers - something that doesn't exactly help me in my struggles to believe He loves me and cares about me.
People don't get it. My pastor says I need to get back to God and the depression would go away. I disagree. The depression has overwhelmed everything, including the spiritual. I gave up praying due to the depression - its too hard to separate the emotional from the spiritual. And I am starting to wonder if I will just have to live with depression for the rest of my life. Even if the doc gives me a new medication, it will be too expensive - I can't do that forever. I am actually thinking about canceling my next appointment and quitting the doctor thing - it isn't doing any good. Why should I waste my money?
My biggest fear of all, is that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I will miss Heaven in the end. I can't remember how long I have felt this way, but it has been many years - that I was going to end up in hell, no matter how much I tried to please God.
I've thought about it, and there are probably a few things that attribute to that. First off, all of the picking on and bullying I got. Coupled with the vibes and comments I got from my own dad about me not being like other boys - stuff like that - I didn't hunt, hated sports, and loved to read - he didn't want a son like that... all of that combined had to have affected my view of God and how He felt about me.
I don't remember making a conscious decision to believe that if no one else loved or liked me, then God must not either, but somewhere, sometime, that became firmly entrenched in my mind.
My sexual identity has also played into it. No one ever talked about it. I really had no clue, which is probably why I was 21 when it all clicked. Looking back, it started way before 21. Even as a teenager, I found myself attracted to shirtless guys - in real life, or in pictures. But when I realized the truth, I was pretty devastated. I thought I was doomed to hell for sure. To me, the Bible said homosexuals go to hell. I was one, so I was going there. That idea could play into why I dove headfirst into gay sex, having sex with as many guys as I could hook up with.
I know now that being gay doesn't mean a person is going to hell - it is what they do about it. But back then, I didn't know that. And thus began years of a vicious cycle - a cycle of repentance and sinning. And guilt. Tons of guilt. I never felt completely forgiven. It may be because homosexuality is thought of as such a terrible sin that I can't believe I can ever be completely forgiven of it. I don't know. All I know is I carry so much guilt and it doesn't go away, even when I repent and try to serve God.
And even if I could believe and have faith again, and completely believe God loves me - I don't know if can do it. Be a true Christian. My sexual desires have me chained too badly. And contrary to popular belief, God doesn't always break chains. He never broke mine - it seemed He left me on my own to fight.
So here I sit, terrified of the future. Fearful of failing worse than I already have, and having absolutely no clue what to do with my life.
I feel trapped. I am so sick of life - of existing, yet there is no way out. It seems unfair - we get no choice about being here, but we are stuck, unless one is stupid enough to commit suicide - but that isn't an option God allows - do that and its a one way fast ticket to an eternity in hell.
June will mark an anniversary. 3 years of being back here after moving away for 2 years. 3 years of staying with my parents, of having most everything I own in storage, getting ruined day by day, 3 years of sleeping on a sofa bed, not really having any privacy. 3 years of failure, though if I were honest, it would be close to 42 years of failure.
It isn't any fun making the admission that one is a failure, but when I look at my past - and future, failure and hopelessness is all I see - and loneliness.
Fear and failure has ruled my life. I have never had a good job, always working in minimum wage jobs. Oh, I've tried for better, but never got it. I'm not the type of person they hire for good jobs. And my resume' is just a list of minimum wage jobs, average jobs. I have no skills, am not good at anything - is it no wonder I can't get a good job - full time, benefits, paid days off, etc....
Even now, I am working part time, unable to afford a place of my own. But even if I get a full time job, would I be able to afford my own place? I am afraid not. And truth be told, after having to file bankruptcy last year, I am afraid to try. The last time I lived alone, was when it all snowballed. Using credit cards to afford gas and food. Sure, there was wasteful spending too, but that wasn't the whole issue. I am terrified that I will never be able to stand on my own two feet and be independent.
My little sister wants me to move to their area, about 2 1/2 hours away, as she feels the work situation is better there. The idea is not new to me, as I have considered it, but the jobs she is finding are minimum wage - how am I supposed to survive on that? Pay my bills, live......
All I see when I look in the mirror is a failure. Gay, not able to marry and have a family, condemned to a life of loneliness, not good at anything, living with my parents at the age of 41 - what hope is there? And God? I don't know if I can ever come back. I have lost faith and hope. To me, God is a cruel taskmaster, just waiting for us to mess up. And the more I think about Him, the more He seems to be that way.
I have more than one example, but a big one I have been thinking about is Hell. If a human set a person on fire, we'd call them a sadist. If they had a way to keep that person alive and torture them for an extended amount of time, we'd call them worse. Yet, God is going to do that. Send people to burn forever, just because they didn't do what He wants. What a loving God.
Oh, and I hear the arguments - God doesn't send people to hell, their own actions do. So, if I hold a gun to your head and tell you I will shoot you if you don't do what I want, is it you sending yourself to a grave if you refuse and I shoot you?
And hell not being created for humans? God knew when He made Hell that man would sin and that He would send all sinners there who did not follow Him....
This depression crap doesn't help. I am so tired of wasting money on doctor visits, on new medications that either don't help at all, or help for a while. I really wish suicide was an option, but I'm not that stupid - I know the worst here is far better than an eternity in hell.
June will also mark another anniversary. It will mark 2 years of my best friend smoking - something that bothers me far more than I could ever get across to him. I lost an uncle to cancer from smoking, I don't want to lose my best friend to cancer. I warned him and begged him to quit as soon as he started - warned that he'd become addicted, but oh no - he would quit before he got addicted. And now he is close to the 2 year mark of doing it. I worry about him daily. Every time I see someone smoking, it hits me, every time someone walks by me at work reeking of cigarette smoke, it hits me..... my best friend does that, and it could kill him.
And yet, is it that bad of an idea? Some days I am tempted to take up some habit that would shorten my life. Life just isn't worth living, and if there was some way I could shorten it with not a lot of suffering, and yet in a way that wouldn't be suicide..... I'd do it. Smoking is out for me - costs too much, and cancer is a long and painful way to go - something I wish my friend would get through his idiotic brain. I tell him I hope I die before I see that, and he yells at me for saying that stuff, yet he is slowly killing himself and that is ok? Maybe it is a good thing we are separated by miles for if not, I would surely have shoved his cigarettes down his throat by now and ended the only friendship I have.
Maybe that is why we are still friends - he isn't around me much. Everyone else has deserted me. I used to have friends here - at church and outside of church, but not anymore. Oh, I have people who would say they are my friends, but I don't believe that. None of them have reconnected with me since moving back. I wonder if I moved suddenly how many of them would even notice I was gone.
I have close to 300 facebook friends, but how many of them really care about me. I've been really open about suffering from depression, but no one ever asks how I'm doing. A lot of people know I am gay, but no one ever wants to talk about it.
I feel like I am dying slowly on the inside, and people are ignoring the fact. So often when people do kill themselves, everyone is shocked and say they thought all was well, didn't see it coming, etc. I am NOT going to kill myself, but if I did, could people say that? When so many know the truth about me?
There is a song I have always identified with. This all didn't start yesterday. It started as a young boy, daily being picked on and bullied by my fellow classmates - even my own cousins, of being made to feel inferior for years, by so many.
Nobody saw, nobody noticed just how it started
Wounds that were silent, wordless and cruel tore me apart
And nobody saw how I died
Died inch by inch on the inside
Hurt by hurt, the painful memories waited in line
The painful memories waited in line
Hurt by hurt, I built the wall one hurt at a time.
Back in school, I wondered why the teachers didn't do something. Surely they weren't completely blind to what I was going through. My parents had an idea, and didn't do anything. Why? Even back then did they think down deep that I was worthless and a failure too?
The scene has changed, but I haven't. I am still a scared little boy on the inside, feeling worthless, and feeling no one likes me or wants me. Instead of other kids, it is life and the devil beating me up. And instead of parents and teachers looking the other way, God is.
Is there really any way to overcome my past? As far back as I can remember, I have felt like a failure, worthless. Feeling no one really loved me or liked me, not even God. Maybe especially God. Being amazed when someone seems to actually like me, and secretly wondering if down deep, they don't.
I crave friendship, companionship, yet it seems I do my best to alienate people. Blogging about stuff that will tick people off, making comments on facebook that will tick people off. What is up with that?! I don't know if I crave attention so much that I do something to get negative attention..... if I am doing that, I'm not doing it consciously.
I feel so messed up, I fear I will never be normal. I've prayed, but God doesn't seem inclined to answer my prayers - something that doesn't exactly help me in my struggles to believe He loves me and cares about me.
People don't get it. My pastor says I need to get back to God and the depression would go away. I disagree. The depression has overwhelmed everything, including the spiritual. I gave up praying due to the depression - its too hard to separate the emotional from the spiritual. And I am starting to wonder if I will just have to live with depression for the rest of my life. Even if the doc gives me a new medication, it will be too expensive - I can't do that forever. I am actually thinking about canceling my next appointment and quitting the doctor thing - it isn't doing any good. Why should I waste my money?
My biggest fear of all, is that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I will miss Heaven in the end. I can't remember how long I have felt this way, but it has been many years - that I was going to end up in hell, no matter how much I tried to please God.
I've thought about it, and there are probably a few things that attribute to that. First off, all of the picking on and bullying I got. Coupled with the vibes and comments I got from my own dad about me not being like other boys - stuff like that - I didn't hunt, hated sports, and loved to read - he didn't want a son like that... all of that combined had to have affected my view of God and how He felt about me.
I don't remember making a conscious decision to believe that if no one else loved or liked me, then God must not either, but somewhere, sometime, that became firmly entrenched in my mind.
My sexual identity has also played into it. No one ever talked about it. I really had no clue, which is probably why I was 21 when it all clicked. Looking back, it started way before 21. Even as a teenager, I found myself attracted to shirtless guys - in real life, or in pictures. But when I realized the truth, I was pretty devastated. I thought I was doomed to hell for sure. To me, the Bible said homosexuals go to hell. I was one, so I was going there. That idea could play into why I dove headfirst into gay sex, having sex with as many guys as I could hook up with.
I know now that being gay doesn't mean a person is going to hell - it is what they do about it. But back then, I didn't know that. And thus began years of a vicious cycle - a cycle of repentance and sinning. And guilt. Tons of guilt. I never felt completely forgiven. It may be because homosexuality is thought of as such a terrible sin that I can't believe I can ever be completely forgiven of it. I don't know. All I know is I carry so much guilt and it doesn't go away, even when I repent and try to serve God.
And even if I could believe and have faith again, and completely believe God loves me - I don't know if can do it. Be a true Christian. My sexual desires have me chained too badly. And contrary to popular belief, God doesn't always break chains. He never broke mine - it seemed He left me on my own to fight.
So here I sit, terrified of the future. Fearful of failing worse than I already have, and having absolutely no clue what to do with my life.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I prayed today
Yep, I did it. I prayed today. Why is that a big deal? Because I have not done so in close to a year, if not a year. Oh, I've said a quick prayer at the table when my turn comes around. But not a real, heartfelt prayer.
What did I pray? Basically, I told God my life is a mess, that I want to find Him again, but I don't think I can serve Him unless I believe that He loves me, and asked Him to somehow believe that. Stuff along that line.
I don't think it is a coincidence that on the very day that I noticed that my anti-depressants are finally working - new ones - that I started to feel the tug of God and a desire to get right with Him. I have felt all along that if I could get the depression out of the way, the spiritual would be easier to tackle.
I am not ready to take that step where I ask God to forgive me, and jump into the fight again. It won't be easy, and it won't be a short, easy road to that point. It will be hard, and a long, uphill battle. Worth it? I believe so.
For the first time in a long time, I feel hope. Hope that God can save me, that my future isn't hopeless. Will I feel that way all of the time? Probably not. I could feel the opposite tomorrow. But for now, I am thankful for the hope that I feel. Hopefully, faith will come along with it.
I want to do it for the right reasons. Not to escape hell, or to make my family and others happy. I want to do it because I believe God loves me, and that I want to please Him. I want to get past worrying that He is going to toss me aside if I mess up, get past feeling I have to line up with everything my family and church wants me to do, but to line up with what He wants from me.
If you are reading this blog, would you pray for me? Not only that I find my way back to God, but that I will finally, truly believe that He loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons.
What did I pray? Basically, I told God my life is a mess, that I want to find Him again, but I don't think I can serve Him unless I believe that He loves me, and asked Him to somehow believe that. Stuff along that line.
I don't think it is a coincidence that on the very day that I noticed that my anti-depressants are finally working - new ones - that I started to feel the tug of God and a desire to get right with Him. I have felt all along that if I could get the depression out of the way, the spiritual would be easier to tackle.
I am not ready to take that step where I ask God to forgive me, and jump into the fight again. It won't be easy, and it won't be a short, easy road to that point. It will be hard, and a long, uphill battle. Worth it? I believe so.
For the first time in a long time, I feel hope. Hope that God can save me, that my future isn't hopeless. Will I feel that way all of the time? Probably not. I could feel the opposite tomorrow. But for now, I am thankful for the hope that I feel. Hopefully, faith will come along with it.
I want to do it for the right reasons. Not to escape hell, or to make my family and others happy. I want to do it because I believe God loves me, and that I want to please Him. I want to get past worrying that He is going to toss me aside if I mess up, get past feeling I have to line up with everything my family and church wants me to do, but to line up with what He wants from me.
If you are reading this blog, would you pray for me? Not only that I find my way back to God, but that I will finally, truly believe that He loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thoughts from 2007 Part 3
Labels
Warning: if you consider yourself to be "ex-gay", the following post may be offensive to you!
Also, I am not making light or minimizing those few who have truly found total freedom from all homosexual desires and attractions. I realize that there are some of you that do exist.
Several years ago when I was still living in Pennsylvania, we got a new pastor at our church that had 5 kids, including a set of 6-year-old twins. These two little guys immediately took a liking to me, and followed me everywhere I went. Their names were Michael and Gabriel, but angels they were not! One thing they pulled once that was funny and cute involved labels. Our Christian school saved Campbells Soup labels, and a pep talk had just been given at school about saving the labels, and to bring in as many as the kids could. So these two little guys went home, got in the cupboard where the soup was, and removed every soup label off the cans in there. It made meals interesting for a while - no one had any idea what kind of soup they were opening!
Labels on food are pretty necessary. Otherwise you'd buy what you think might be chicken soup, and open it to find mushrooms. Uggh! There are other areas in life that we need labels also. It would be a pain buying clothes if there was no label saying what size it was. Instead of buying the XL size I need - if I didn't try it on, I might end up with a medium.
I do wish we could do like Mike and Gabe and rip off the labels we wear and attach to people. Even denominational labels. Who cares if you are a Baptist or Episcopalian? I think some Christians would be shocked if you told them up in Heaven there will be no denominations. What will get you in there is the blood of Christ, and that alone.
The labels I am most becoming to detest, are the ones that can be attached to me. Gay. Homosexual. Ex-Gay. Former homosexual. Good grief! Why can't we just be Christians?!
My buddy Steven has addressed the ex-gay issue some, and so has a guy on the forum part of this site. The thing is, I am not sure there are that many ex-gays. Let's look at the definition of "ex-gay": the very term "ex" means "former". Ex-wife is your former wife - she isn't your wife anymore. So if you are "ex-gay", you were formerly gay, and you are not anymore. So am I am I an ex-gay?
Let's look at another definition: gay. The first definition that popped up is: Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Well guess what? That still applies to me. I have quit sex with other guys, quit the gay porn, with a relapse here and there, but I still have an orientation - or attraction - to persons of the same sex - men.
Most of the "ex-gays" I have read books or testimonies of, admit there are still times that they struggle with attractions and/or desire for other guys. Even the ones that are married and have a ton of kids. I used to feel there was something wrong with me when I would repent and try to live for God, but still find guys attractive. No matter how hard I prayed, it was still there. In fact, I got gas two days ago, and went inside to pay, and a young muscular guy took my money, and the thought immediately went through my mind "man is he cute!" And he was. So, does that mean I am not "ex-gay". Does that mean I am not a Christian?
See how bad labels can be? I am no ex-gay, and most of the "ex-gays" running around are not either. We are guys that are attracted to other guys. "Gay Christian" seems to be a paradoxical phrase, but is that what I am? I still am attracted to other guys, though I am trying to serve God and keep my thoughts and actions pure and right in God's eyes. In a lot of people's eyes, I would still be labeled "gay". A lot of Christians would doubt my Christianity for admitting I am still attracted to other guys. A lot of gays would doubt my claim to freedom since I am still attracted to other guys. So what am I?
I will tell you what I am: I am a Christian. Pure and simple. So what if I am tempted by the sin of homosexuality? If it wasn't that sin, it would be another. People who have been guilty of other sins don't keep their label. We don't look at people in church and think: "there is Sally - the "ex-liar", there is Tom, the "former thief"." You gotta be kidding! God forgave them of whatever sin they were guilty of. If Sally is still tempted to lie, does that mean she is still a liar? Nope! Sorry for my language, but screw the labels. If we are serving God, that is all that matters! Jesus' blood wipes away all traces of sin, so should we keep the label attached to remind ourselves and others of what we were?
Speaking of what we were, another label that is getting to me, is "freed". Freed from what?! Most people who say they are ex-gay or former homosexual are not totally free from the attractions and desires, though they may not struggle with them much, depending on the person. So can we say we have been freed from homosexuality? Time to go to dictionary.com again:
First definition of homosexuality: Sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Second definition: Sexual activity with another of the same sex. Man, now we not only need to worry about labels, we need to worry about which definition we are referring to when we use that label! I'd pull my hair out if I had any on my head!
God has set me free from the life I used to live. Days and nights of pornography and anonymous sexual encounters with guys that half the time I didn't even know their first name. So what if He hasn't removed the attraction and desire for other guys. Isn't what He did a miracle in and of itself? I'd say He set me free from the gay lifestyle, but I read someone's opinion on that one, and they had some pretty good points. I will quote him here, as he said it pretty well:
One of the things that I find particularly unattractive in my discussions with some of the leaders of various ex-gay ministries is their use and definition of the term "gay lifestyle" because it is very obvious that they are saying gay=sex. A good friend of mine is a noted gay author and sex advice columnist who is also in a long-term committed relationship. He thinks that we are crazy for the no-sex policy, but otherwise we pretty much agree on a lot. One of those being that the "gay lifestyle" that is so derisively thrown around applies to many straight people. No, not sleeping with the same sex, but having lots of hook ups with the opposite sex.
Good point there. What is so much referred to as the gay lifestyle sure can cover a lot But in most cases, it is used to refer to the promiscuous sex that a lot of gays practice. I said a lot - not all. So if we say someone is living the heterosexual lifestyle, or straight lifestyle, do we immediately assume that the guy, or girl, is having multiple sexual encounters? Nope. Hence, another label we should toss out the window. Many thanks to a guy who calls himself "alfaboy2000" for pointing out how bad it is to use this term, and for providing the above quote. Hopefully he won't mind my use of it.He has started contributing to the forum on here, and although he is someone I wouldn't agree with on some things, I am sure - he has some pretty intelligent things to say. In fact, his posts were what got my little brain working on this topic.
There is something we need to remember: the whole issue of homosexuality is complex, and cannot be put in a neat little package like we like to do with everything. The most important thing of all is if we wear the label of Christian, and truly live it. We need to let God be the judge of who is really wearing it well, and who is not.
What is most important, is to keep Christ #1 in our lives, and live a life that is pleasing to Him. On the day we face Him, whether by death, or when He returns to claim His own, all I care is to hear those words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant”. On that day, who I am sexually will have no bearing whatsoever. What will matter is if I have lived my life the way He wants me to live it.
Warning: if you consider yourself to be "ex-gay", the following post may be offensive to you!
Also, I am not making light or minimizing those few who have truly found total freedom from all homosexual desires and attractions. I realize that there are some of you that do exist.
Several years ago when I was still living in Pennsylvania, we got a new pastor at our church that had 5 kids, including a set of 6-year-old twins. These two little guys immediately took a liking to me, and followed me everywhere I went. Their names were Michael and Gabriel, but angels they were not! One thing they pulled once that was funny and cute involved labels. Our Christian school saved Campbells Soup labels, and a pep talk had just been given at school about saving the labels, and to bring in as many as the kids could. So these two little guys went home, got in the cupboard where the soup was, and removed every soup label off the cans in there. It made meals interesting for a while - no one had any idea what kind of soup they were opening!
Labels on food are pretty necessary. Otherwise you'd buy what you think might be chicken soup, and open it to find mushrooms. Uggh! There are other areas in life that we need labels also. It would be a pain buying clothes if there was no label saying what size it was. Instead of buying the XL size I need - if I didn't try it on, I might end up with a medium.
I do wish we could do like Mike and Gabe and rip off the labels we wear and attach to people. Even denominational labels. Who cares if you are a Baptist or Episcopalian? I think some Christians would be shocked if you told them up in Heaven there will be no denominations. What will get you in there is the blood of Christ, and that alone.
The labels I am most becoming to detest, are the ones that can be attached to me. Gay. Homosexual. Ex-Gay. Former homosexual. Good grief! Why can't we just be Christians?!
My buddy Steven has addressed the ex-gay issue some, and so has a guy on the forum part of this site. The thing is, I am not sure there are that many ex-gays. Let's look at the definition of "ex-gay": the very term "ex" means "former". Ex-wife is your former wife - she isn't your wife anymore. So if you are "ex-gay", you were formerly gay, and you are not anymore. So am I am I an ex-gay?
Let's look at another definition: gay. The first definition that popped up is: Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Well guess what? That still applies to me. I have quit sex with other guys, quit the gay porn, with a relapse here and there, but I still have an orientation - or attraction - to persons of the same sex - men.
Most of the "ex-gays" I have read books or testimonies of, admit there are still times that they struggle with attractions and/or desire for other guys. Even the ones that are married and have a ton of kids. I used to feel there was something wrong with me when I would repent and try to live for God, but still find guys attractive. No matter how hard I prayed, it was still there. In fact, I got gas two days ago, and went inside to pay, and a young muscular guy took my money, and the thought immediately went through my mind "man is he cute!" And he was. So, does that mean I am not "ex-gay". Does that mean I am not a Christian?
See how bad labels can be? I am no ex-gay, and most of the "ex-gays" running around are not either. We are guys that are attracted to other guys. "Gay Christian" seems to be a paradoxical phrase, but is that what I am? I still am attracted to other guys, though I am trying to serve God and keep my thoughts and actions pure and right in God's eyes. In a lot of people's eyes, I would still be labeled "gay". A lot of Christians would doubt my Christianity for admitting I am still attracted to other guys. A lot of gays would doubt my claim to freedom since I am still attracted to other guys. So what am I?
I will tell you what I am: I am a Christian. Pure and simple. So what if I am tempted by the sin of homosexuality? If it wasn't that sin, it would be another. People who have been guilty of other sins don't keep their label. We don't look at people in church and think: "there is Sally - the "ex-liar", there is Tom, the "former thief"." You gotta be kidding! God forgave them of whatever sin they were guilty of. If Sally is still tempted to lie, does that mean she is still a liar? Nope! Sorry for my language, but screw the labels. If we are serving God, that is all that matters! Jesus' blood wipes away all traces of sin, so should we keep the label attached to remind ourselves and others of what we were?
Speaking of what we were, another label that is getting to me, is "freed". Freed from what?! Most people who say they are ex-gay or former homosexual are not totally free from the attractions and desires, though they may not struggle with them much, depending on the person. So can we say we have been freed from homosexuality? Time to go to dictionary.com again:
First definition of homosexuality: Sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Second definition: Sexual activity with another of the same sex. Man, now we not only need to worry about labels, we need to worry about which definition we are referring to when we use that label! I'd pull my hair out if I had any on my head!
God has set me free from the life I used to live. Days and nights of pornography and anonymous sexual encounters with guys that half the time I didn't even know their first name. So what if He hasn't removed the attraction and desire for other guys. Isn't what He did a miracle in and of itself? I'd say He set me free from the gay lifestyle, but I read someone's opinion on that one, and they had some pretty good points. I will quote him here, as he said it pretty well:
One of the things that I find particularly unattractive in my discussions with some of the leaders of various ex-gay ministries is their use and definition of the term "gay lifestyle" because it is very obvious that they are saying gay=sex. A good friend of mine is a noted gay author and sex advice columnist who is also in a long-term committed relationship. He thinks that we are crazy for the no-sex policy, but otherwise we pretty much agree on a lot. One of those being that the "gay lifestyle" that is so derisively thrown around applies to many straight people. No, not sleeping with the same sex, but having lots of hook ups with the opposite sex.
Good point there. What is so much referred to as the gay lifestyle sure can cover a lot But in most cases, it is used to refer to the promiscuous sex that a lot of gays practice. I said a lot - not all. So if we say someone is living the heterosexual lifestyle, or straight lifestyle, do we immediately assume that the guy, or girl, is having multiple sexual encounters? Nope. Hence, another label we should toss out the window. Many thanks to a guy who calls himself "alfaboy2000" for pointing out how bad it is to use this term, and for providing the above quote. Hopefully he won't mind my use of it.He has started contributing to the forum on here, and although he is someone I wouldn't agree with on some things, I am sure - he has some pretty intelligent things to say. In fact, his posts were what got my little brain working on this topic.
There is something we need to remember: the whole issue of homosexuality is complex, and cannot be put in a neat little package like we like to do with everything. The most important thing of all is if we wear the label of Christian, and truly live it. We need to let God be the judge of who is really wearing it well, and who is not.
What is most important, is to keep Christ #1 in our lives, and live a life that is pleasing to Him. On the day we face Him, whether by death, or when He returns to claim His own, all I care is to hear those words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant”. On that day, who I am sexually will have no bearing whatsoever. What will matter is if I have lived my life the way He wants me to live it.
Thoughts from 2007 Part 2
X-Men and The Cure
I have not watched many movies, compared to the average movie viewer, but I have had a preoccupation with superhero movies. X-Men, Batman, Spiderman, Fantastic 4, Daredevil, etc. I guess I like seeing good triumph over evil, which is a common theme in superhero movies.
With X-Men "3", or better known as The Last Stand releasing May 26th (an important date for other reasons, people!), I have been thinking about superheroes, and more specifically, The X-Men. For those of you who are not familiar with the X-Men, they are people who are born as some type of mutants. They have a variety of unusual and amazing abilities. One character, aptly named Piro, can shoot flames out of his fingers and ignite anything on fire. Another, "Storm", can bring up a storm at will, and then there is my favorite character, Cyclops, who I used to be fascinated with because of his looks, but also because of the character he plays, so hopefully I am straightened out on that.
The world fears the X-Men, and attempts have been made to get rid of them, without success. In The Last Stand, from what I have read, there is a cure found for the X-Men, to "cure" them from their abnormalities, and make them completely human. From the sounds of it, the cure isn't a good thing - I could be wrong about that, but one thing for sure, the X-Men fight the cure and don't want it.
In a weird way, as a man struggling with SSA, I have identified with the X-Men. That might sound bizarre, but just as people in the movie fear and don't understand the X-Men, some people, Christians especially, still fear homosexuals, and don't understand them. Man, we don't even understand us! Unlike the X-Men, I welcome a cure, I think. Some days, I am thankful for what I have learned as a man struggling with SSA. There are a lot of things I wish I could go back and do differently, and yes, I am lonely a lot, but on my better days, I am thankful for what I have learned. I think I am a better person for having gone through being a gay male.
Had I never experienced these struggles, I may have never turned to Christ. It has been a rocky relationship at best, but even in my worst moments, I still had the desire to do right, and to be a Christian.
With about 8 months of mentoring for Setting Captives Free under my belt, I know I enjoy helping guys that are struggling with SSA. I hope someday to do something like that again, but with a different ministry. One dream I have, is of moving to Indiana - well that is a dream and hope all its own - but I would like to move there and start a Homosexuals Anonymous chapter, or something similar with my friend who lives there.
So, if like the X-Men, were I suddenly offered a cure to my sexual desires, would I take it? If it didn't change who I am, and what I have become, yes I would. The Bible does command us to be thankful in everything, and sometimes we don't think that is possible in some circumstances, and had someone told me to find something to be thankful about my SSA even a year ago, I would have thought they were totally nuts, and called the men in white coats, but I see things differently now.
Yes, I would welcome a cure, and we do have a cure. Jesus provided that cure 2000 years ago. Sure, we wish the cure worked faster, and differently than it does. In most cases, God doesn't wipe out the SSA and make us straight. It is something that takes years, and in a lot of cases never completely goes away. But to get discouraged over that, and feel God is letting us down by not completely curing us, is to miss the point.
What is a greater miracle? To turn a gay person into a straight person, or to change a wicked sinner who desires their own sex, into a Christian, and wipe away all of his sins, and make him pure, even if he were with a couple of thousand sexual partners of the same sex?(No, I was not with that many!) To think that one drop of Jesus' blood doesn't turn a guy straight, but does change his heart from being black with sin, to being white as snow!
It would be awesome to not have the struggle of trying not to look at other guys, and want to do things with them that the Bible says is wrong, but it is tons more awesome that I used to be a filthy degraded sinner, and God now sees me as holy and clean! You can be straight and miss Heaven, but you cannot have God in your heart and miss it, so if I were to choose straight, or Christian, I will pick the greater of the two any day. I would much rather struggle with SSA until the day I die, and stay true to God, and make Heaven, than to be changed to 100% straight, lose my compassion for people who struggle with sexual addictions, and even possibly miss Heaven.
So for we who struggle with SSA, let's not worry about a "cure". Be thankful for the cure we already have, and let God use us as we are. Someday, the SSA may be entirely gone, but in the meantime, we need to let it make us a better person, a better Christian, and instead of allowing it to drag us down, and back into a sinful lifestyle, we need to allow it to drive us closer to God, to spend more time in prayer, and attempting to become more like Him.
The X-Men have nothing on us! We possess the greatest cure the world has ever known. Let's make better use of it.
1 “ Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the LORD,
“ Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool" Isaiah 1:18
In His Grip, Mark
I have not watched many movies, compared to the average movie viewer, but I have had a preoccupation with superhero movies. X-Men, Batman, Spiderman, Fantastic 4, Daredevil, etc. I guess I like seeing good triumph over evil, which is a common theme in superhero movies.
With X-Men "3", or better known as The Last Stand releasing May 26th (an important date for other reasons, people!), I have been thinking about superheroes, and more specifically, The X-Men. For those of you who are not familiar with the X-Men, they are people who are born as some type of mutants. They have a variety of unusual and amazing abilities. One character, aptly named Piro, can shoot flames out of his fingers and ignite anything on fire. Another, "Storm", can bring up a storm at will, and then there is my favorite character, Cyclops, who I used to be fascinated with because of his looks, but also because of the character he plays, so hopefully I am straightened out on that.
The world fears the X-Men, and attempts have been made to get rid of them, without success. In The Last Stand, from what I have read, there is a cure found for the X-Men, to "cure" them from their abnormalities, and make them completely human. From the sounds of it, the cure isn't a good thing - I could be wrong about that, but one thing for sure, the X-Men fight the cure and don't want it.
In a weird way, as a man struggling with SSA, I have identified with the X-Men. That might sound bizarre, but just as people in the movie fear and don't understand the X-Men, some people, Christians especially, still fear homosexuals, and don't understand them. Man, we don't even understand us! Unlike the X-Men, I welcome a cure, I think. Some days, I am thankful for what I have learned as a man struggling with SSA. There are a lot of things I wish I could go back and do differently, and yes, I am lonely a lot, but on my better days, I am thankful for what I have learned. I think I am a better person for having gone through being a gay male.
Had I never experienced these struggles, I may have never turned to Christ. It has been a rocky relationship at best, but even in my worst moments, I still had the desire to do right, and to be a Christian.
With about 8 months of mentoring for Setting Captives Free under my belt, I know I enjoy helping guys that are struggling with SSA. I hope someday to do something like that again, but with a different ministry. One dream I have, is of moving to Indiana - well that is a dream and hope all its own - but I would like to move there and start a Homosexuals Anonymous chapter, or something similar with my friend who lives there.
So, if like the X-Men, were I suddenly offered a cure to my sexual desires, would I take it? If it didn't change who I am, and what I have become, yes I would. The Bible does command us to be thankful in everything, and sometimes we don't think that is possible in some circumstances, and had someone told me to find something to be thankful about my SSA even a year ago, I would have thought they were totally nuts, and called the men in white coats, but I see things differently now.
Yes, I would welcome a cure, and we do have a cure. Jesus provided that cure 2000 years ago. Sure, we wish the cure worked faster, and differently than it does. In most cases, God doesn't wipe out the SSA and make us straight. It is something that takes years, and in a lot of cases never completely goes away. But to get discouraged over that, and feel God is letting us down by not completely curing us, is to miss the point.
What is a greater miracle? To turn a gay person into a straight person, or to change a wicked sinner who desires their own sex, into a Christian, and wipe away all of his sins, and make him pure, even if he were with a couple of thousand sexual partners of the same sex?(No, I was not with that many!) To think that one drop of Jesus' blood doesn't turn a guy straight, but does change his heart from being black with sin, to being white as snow!
It would be awesome to not have the struggle of trying not to look at other guys, and want to do things with them that the Bible says is wrong, but it is tons more awesome that I used to be a filthy degraded sinner, and God now sees me as holy and clean! You can be straight and miss Heaven, but you cannot have God in your heart and miss it, so if I were to choose straight, or Christian, I will pick the greater of the two any day. I would much rather struggle with SSA until the day I die, and stay true to God, and make Heaven, than to be changed to 100% straight, lose my compassion for people who struggle with sexual addictions, and even possibly miss Heaven.
So for we who struggle with SSA, let's not worry about a "cure". Be thankful for the cure we already have, and let God use us as we are. Someday, the SSA may be entirely gone, but in the meantime, we need to let it make us a better person, a better Christian, and instead of allowing it to drag us down, and back into a sinful lifestyle, we need to allow it to drive us closer to God, to spend more time in prayer, and attempting to become more like Him.
The X-Men have nothing on us! We possess the greatest cure the world has ever known. Let's make better use of it.
1 “ Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the LORD,
“ Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool" Isaiah 1:18
In His Grip, Mark
Thoughts from 2007 Part 1
A few years ago, I wrote a few articles for a website created for people who struggle with same-sex attractions. I found them on my computer, and decided to share them on here. I wish I still had the confidence and experience with God I had when I wrote these. Here is the first of the three:
I was active in the gay lifestyle for about 15 years, but thankfully, I feel I have made more progress in the last few months than ever before in my life. What has made the difference? I tried to quit so many times in the past, and never got as far with God as I have lately.
There are several reasons: there are some great people who have become my friends that keep me accountable and are a big help to me, I have gotten a little straightened out with my view of God, and am doing better at trusting Him, and believing He loves me. There are other reasons, but I think a big one is attitude.
When I first really realized what the problem was with me - that I was gay, I was 21 years old, attending Bible College, and dating a girl. There were plenty of clues before that, and down deep I pretty much knew long before that, but that is when I admitted it to myself. Immediately upon admitting it, I then tried to deny it, but that didn’t do any good. In February of 1991, I had my first sexual experience with another man. I felt dirty and used, but that didn’t keep me from going back for countless more encounters over the years.
The guilt gave way to blaming God. I never chose to have these feelings, so it was His fault. I began to sin not just to have pleasure, but to get back at God for making me this way. I would go through endless cycles. I would almost embrace my sexuality, but never quite to the point of totally accepting it. Then guilt would set in, and I would repent and try to live for God, only to cave in when things got rough. I continually blamed God for my desires, and also for the temptations.
Soon, the times when I was pursuing sex and porn were lasting longer. I became an expert at sitting in church and playing the part of a Christian. But I got farther and father from God in my heart, and sometimes wondered if I could ever come back. When I would repent, which was less often than before, it seemed shallow, and wouldn’t last long at all.
Finally, in February of 2006, I had a sexual encounter with a young man that I had previously tried to discourage from living the gay lifestyle. The encounter blew my world apart. I felt guilt like I never had felt before. I wanted to pray, wanted to repent, but for about a week, I could not. Then due to people praying for me, I had a breakthrough, and repented like I never had before.
I have noticed since then, my attitude toward my struggles has changed drastically. I no longer blame God, or my parents, although they played a part in it. I have accepted it as life hurt me, and different events, and the way I responded to them, played a big part in my turning out gay.
I still fight temptation, but don’t really fight being gay. I am a Christian who struggles with SSA, and instead of asking God to make me “normal”, and straight, I pray instead that He make me more like Him, and that I will remain pure in heart, mind, and actions.
A friend of mine stated that homosexuality is our cross. If that is the case, I want to carry my cross for Christ. If someday He changes my sexual desires, then fine. If not, as long as He gives me the strength to remain pure and live for Him, that is all I ask.
I was active in the gay lifestyle for about 15 years, but thankfully, I feel I have made more progress in the last few months than ever before in my life. What has made the difference? I tried to quit so many times in the past, and never got as far with God as I have lately.
There are several reasons: there are some great people who have become my friends that keep me accountable and are a big help to me, I have gotten a little straightened out with my view of God, and am doing better at trusting Him, and believing He loves me. There are other reasons, but I think a big one is attitude.
When I first really realized what the problem was with me - that I was gay, I was 21 years old, attending Bible College, and dating a girl. There were plenty of clues before that, and down deep I pretty much knew long before that, but that is when I admitted it to myself. Immediately upon admitting it, I then tried to deny it, but that didn’t do any good. In February of 1991, I had my first sexual experience with another man. I felt dirty and used, but that didn’t keep me from going back for countless more encounters over the years.
The guilt gave way to blaming God. I never chose to have these feelings, so it was His fault. I began to sin not just to have pleasure, but to get back at God for making me this way. I would go through endless cycles. I would almost embrace my sexuality, but never quite to the point of totally accepting it. Then guilt would set in, and I would repent and try to live for God, only to cave in when things got rough. I continually blamed God for my desires, and also for the temptations.
Soon, the times when I was pursuing sex and porn were lasting longer. I became an expert at sitting in church and playing the part of a Christian. But I got farther and father from God in my heart, and sometimes wondered if I could ever come back. When I would repent, which was less often than before, it seemed shallow, and wouldn’t last long at all.
Finally, in February of 2006, I had a sexual encounter with a young man that I had previously tried to discourage from living the gay lifestyle. The encounter blew my world apart. I felt guilt like I never had felt before. I wanted to pray, wanted to repent, but for about a week, I could not. Then due to people praying for me, I had a breakthrough, and repented like I never had before.
I have noticed since then, my attitude toward my struggles has changed drastically. I no longer blame God, or my parents, although they played a part in it. I have accepted it as life hurt me, and different events, and the way I responded to them, played a big part in my turning out gay.
I still fight temptation, but don’t really fight being gay. I am a Christian who struggles with SSA, and instead of asking God to make me “normal”, and straight, I pray instead that He make me more like Him, and that I will remain pure in heart, mind, and actions.
A friend of mine stated that homosexuality is our cross. If that is the case, I want to carry my cross for Christ. If someday He changes my sexual desires, then fine. If not, as long as He gives me the strength to remain pure and live for Him, that is all I ask.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
2010 in review
I haven't blogged on here since October. To be honest, my depression is so bad that I rarely feel like blogging, much less anything else.... but the mood hit me to blog, so here goes.
Depression. I can hardly remember what it feels like to not be depressed. I feel so hopeless all of the time. Life just isn't worth living, and I am so tired. Tired of feeling this way, tired of being so lonely, tired of failing. Tired of trying new medications. I have been doctoring for it for several months now, and all I have to show for it is wasted money - money wasted on doctors visits and medications that don't do any good.
At this point I am wondering if I will ever not be depressed. Is there an end to it? Parts of me feel as long as the circumstances exist that depress me, I will be depressed. I have a doctor appointment later this month and I feel like canceling. I am so tired of having to tell the doctor the meds aren't working and having to try another.
The gay crap. Sometimes I wish I could believe it was ok with God, but I can't get around what the Bible says. And to people who claim otherwise, why is the Bible supposedly wrong on that sin - if it is wrong on it, why not others?
Loneliness. I need other guys to hang out with, and don't have that. I won't go into all of the details, but just a few weeks ago I had a little fight with my parents over my trying to find a friend. My mom told me all single guys are homos or druggies. Made me feel really good, but showed me they will always assume the worst with me. And if I ever do find a guy close my age to hang out with, they will definitely assume the worst. That really made me feel great.
I can't count the amount of times daily that I wish I could kill myself, much less per week. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know, believe the way I believe so I could go through with it. Thing is, I don't believe in the "once saved always saved." I believe, unless the person is mentally off, that suicide is a straight one way ticket to hell. And if you believe otherwise, do not try to convince me otherwise. That belief, and what it would do to my family if I killed myself, are all that keeps me from doing it.
God. I have walked away from God over the years. Most of the time it has been my sexual struggles. I would fall over and over. This time, it is different. The depression and discouragement just snowballed. No one knew how much - or they didn't care. I have always really struggled to believe in God's love. That He even cares for me. Last year, I just got tired of begging God to help me, tired of trying to pray and have faith. This time, I didn't so much walk away from God, as just giving up. I don't have the energy to try anymore. To try pleasing this God who seemingly ignores my struggles and hurts. Tired of begging God to change me. Tired of asking for simple things like a friend to hang out with. For peace.
I don't know if I can come back this time. It seems like years of questions and doubts about God accumulated last year and buried me. God either truly doesn't care about me, or He doesn't even exist.
I am still staying with my parents working a part time job. I have tried some to find full time work, but as much as it sounds like an excuse, I am too depressed to even work at that much. And I am scared to try it on my own again. The last time I lived alone I went into debt and had trouble paying my bills. That ended in bankruptcy last year. I have no skills. The only kind of jobs I can get are minimum wage, and it is pretty hard to live on that.
I look at the future and don't think I can do it. This thing called life. To live the rest of my life alone. To deal with same-sex attractions and desires for the rest of my life. To look in the mirror day after day and see failure.
I am regressing. Well into my 20's, I truly believed that no one liked me. It was so bad, that when I was in public, I felt people who didn't even know me looked at me and didn't like me. That I had some flaw in me that was visible to the world letting them know I was worthless. Those feelings have come back - though not to the same degree. I feel like no one really likes me, most of all God.
I still go to church - my parents are the type of people who would expect anyone under their roof to do so, so I go every week, sit in my pew and wish for it to be over. I even have suicidal thoughts during church. Weird. I don't mean to make my parents sound evil, for they would do anything for me, except let me grow up, make my own decisions. They couldn't handle having a kid who isn't a Christian, so I let them believe that I am, but inside I hate church, and even God. I feel God, the church, and His people have all let me down - and what is left?
I can't remember the last time I read my Bible - probably close to a year, if not at least a year. Most likely that long since I prayed or tried to pray.
I just don't get God. It seems when I need Him the worst, He goes AWOL. I read a book recently that is really good - Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. He struggles with same-sex attractions and had a lot of good things to say in the book. One thing he said has really stuck with me. That people who struggle with same-sex attractions have a struggle to believe God loves them and cares about them. I had never really thought about that, but he may be right. And if he is, then why doesn't God do more to help us in that area? I have begged God to show me He loves me, and nothing ever happened. He just doesn't care. And is it possible to serve Him when I feel that way? I fear it is not.
If the people around me knew how I feel, the total despair and hopelessness, could see my thoughts, they would probably have me locked up in a rubber room.
But I can't do it. Kill myself. I am not that stupid. Is life worth living? No it isn't, but it is better than hell. The worst here is better than that. So I will keep living - or maybe I should call it "existing" and wish things were different and better.
If anyone still reads my blog, I apologize for a depressing post like this, but just saying where I'm at.
Depression. I can hardly remember what it feels like to not be depressed. I feel so hopeless all of the time. Life just isn't worth living, and I am so tired. Tired of feeling this way, tired of being so lonely, tired of failing. Tired of trying new medications. I have been doctoring for it for several months now, and all I have to show for it is wasted money - money wasted on doctors visits and medications that don't do any good.
At this point I am wondering if I will ever not be depressed. Is there an end to it? Parts of me feel as long as the circumstances exist that depress me, I will be depressed. I have a doctor appointment later this month and I feel like canceling. I am so tired of having to tell the doctor the meds aren't working and having to try another.
The gay crap. Sometimes I wish I could believe it was ok with God, but I can't get around what the Bible says. And to people who claim otherwise, why is the Bible supposedly wrong on that sin - if it is wrong on it, why not others?
Loneliness. I need other guys to hang out with, and don't have that. I won't go into all of the details, but just a few weeks ago I had a little fight with my parents over my trying to find a friend. My mom told me all single guys are homos or druggies. Made me feel really good, but showed me they will always assume the worst with me. And if I ever do find a guy close my age to hang out with, they will definitely assume the worst. That really made me feel great.
I can't count the amount of times daily that I wish I could kill myself, much less per week. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know, believe the way I believe so I could go through with it. Thing is, I don't believe in the "once saved always saved." I believe, unless the person is mentally off, that suicide is a straight one way ticket to hell. And if you believe otherwise, do not try to convince me otherwise. That belief, and what it would do to my family if I killed myself, are all that keeps me from doing it.
God. I have walked away from God over the years. Most of the time it has been my sexual struggles. I would fall over and over. This time, it is different. The depression and discouragement just snowballed. No one knew how much - or they didn't care. I have always really struggled to believe in God's love. That He even cares for me. Last year, I just got tired of begging God to help me, tired of trying to pray and have faith. This time, I didn't so much walk away from God, as just giving up. I don't have the energy to try anymore. To try pleasing this God who seemingly ignores my struggles and hurts. Tired of begging God to change me. Tired of asking for simple things like a friend to hang out with. For peace.
I don't know if I can come back this time. It seems like years of questions and doubts about God accumulated last year and buried me. God either truly doesn't care about me, or He doesn't even exist.
I am still staying with my parents working a part time job. I have tried some to find full time work, but as much as it sounds like an excuse, I am too depressed to even work at that much. And I am scared to try it on my own again. The last time I lived alone I went into debt and had trouble paying my bills. That ended in bankruptcy last year. I have no skills. The only kind of jobs I can get are minimum wage, and it is pretty hard to live on that.
I look at the future and don't think I can do it. This thing called life. To live the rest of my life alone. To deal with same-sex attractions and desires for the rest of my life. To look in the mirror day after day and see failure.
I am regressing. Well into my 20's, I truly believed that no one liked me. It was so bad, that when I was in public, I felt people who didn't even know me looked at me and didn't like me. That I had some flaw in me that was visible to the world letting them know I was worthless. Those feelings have come back - though not to the same degree. I feel like no one really likes me, most of all God.
I still go to church - my parents are the type of people who would expect anyone under their roof to do so, so I go every week, sit in my pew and wish for it to be over. I even have suicidal thoughts during church. Weird. I don't mean to make my parents sound evil, for they would do anything for me, except let me grow up, make my own decisions. They couldn't handle having a kid who isn't a Christian, so I let them believe that I am, but inside I hate church, and even God. I feel God, the church, and His people have all let me down - and what is left?
I can't remember the last time I read my Bible - probably close to a year, if not at least a year. Most likely that long since I prayed or tried to pray.
I just don't get God. It seems when I need Him the worst, He goes AWOL. I read a book recently that is really good - Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. He struggles with same-sex attractions and had a lot of good things to say in the book. One thing he said has really stuck with me. That people who struggle with same-sex attractions have a struggle to believe God loves them and cares about them. I had never really thought about that, but he may be right. And if he is, then why doesn't God do more to help us in that area? I have begged God to show me He loves me, and nothing ever happened. He just doesn't care. And is it possible to serve Him when I feel that way? I fear it is not.
If the people around me knew how I feel, the total despair and hopelessness, could see my thoughts, they would probably have me locked up in a rubber room.
But I can't do it. Kill myself. I am not that stupid. Is life worth living? No it isn't, but it is better than hell. The worst here is better than that. So I will keep living - or maybe I should call it "existing" and wish things were different and better.
If anyone still reads my blog, I apologize for a depressing post like this, but just saying where I'm at.
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