Yep, I did it. I prayed today. Why is that a big deal? Because I have not done so in close to a year, if not a year. Oh, I've said a quick prayer at the table when my turn comes around. But not a real, heartfelt prayer.
What did I pray? Basically, I told God my life is a mess, that I want to find Him again, but I don't think I can serve Him unless I believe that He loves me, and asked Him to somehow believe that. Stuff along that line.
I don't think it is a coincidence that on the very day that I noticed that my anti-depressants are finally working - new ones - that I started to feel the tug of God and a desire to get right with Him. I have felt all along that if I could get the depression out of the way, the spiritual would be easier to tackle.
I am not ready to take that step where I ask God to forgive me, and jump into the fight again. It won't be easy, and it won't be a short, easy road to that point. It will be hard, and a long, uphill battle. Worth it? I believe so.
For the first time in a long time, I feel hope. Hope that God can save me, that my future isn't hopeless. Will I feel that way all of the time? Probably not. I could feel the opposite tomorrow. But for now, I am thankful for the hope that I feel. Hopefully, faith will come along with it.
I want to do it for the right reasons. Not to escape hell, or to make my family and others happy. I want to do it because I believe God loves me, and that I want to please Him. I want to get past worrying that He is going to toss me aside if I mess up, get past feeling I have to line up with everything my family and church wants me to do, but to line up with what He wants from me.
If you are reading this blog, would you pray for me? Not only that I find my way back to God, but that I will finally, truly believe that He loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons.
4 comments:
Awesome! Just said a prayer for you.
I am so glad I decided to check for new blog posts. There probably is a definite connection with the medication working and in turn feeling hope and a desire to fight again. Sure will pray for you. Take good care and look forward to more good news, God bless.
Our Lord in Heaven loves you. He is our Brother, our Father, our Friend and our King. As you kneel before Him, he lifts your face with His hands and says, "You are my creation, fearfully and wonderfully made!" As you walk this silent planet, remember His promise never to forsake you. Gay or not, your conviction, honesty and understanding make you a man among men, not easily reckoned with, although the enemy shouts with great calamity against your quiet strength. I will pray that you know what strength dwells within you, a gift from the Holy Spirit, which your will has chosen to accept. Peace be with you.
I have been praying for you for some time now. I believe your faith has gotten stronger since this was posted, but, regardless, I have been praying.
Post a Comment