Thoughts from 2007 Part 1

A few years ago, I wrote a few articles for a website created for people who struggle with same-sex attractions. I found them on my computer, and decided to share them on here. I wish I still had the confidence and experience with God I had when I wrote these. Here is the first of the three:



I was active in the gay lifestyle for about 15 years, but thankfully, I feel I have made more progress in the last few months than ever before in my life. What has made the difference? I tried to quit so many times in the past, and never got as far with God as I have lately.

There are several reasons: there are some great people who have become my friends that keep me accountable and are a big help to me, I have gotten a little straightened out with my view of God, and am doing better at trusting Him, and believing He loves me. There are other reasons, but I think a big one is attitude.
When I first really realized what the problem was with me - that I was gay, I was 21 years old, attending Bible College, and dating a girl. There were plenty of clues before that, and down deep I pretty much knew long before that, but that is when I admitted it to myself. Immediately upon admitting it, I then tried to deny it, but that didn’t do any good. In February of 1991, I had my first sexual experience with another man. I felt dirty and used, but that didn’t keep me from going back for countless more encounters over the years.

The guilt gave way to blaming God. I never chose to have these feelings, so it was His fault. I began to sin not just to have pleasure, but to get back at God for making me this way. I would go through endless cycles. I would almost embrace my sexuality, but never quite to the point of totally accepting it. Then guilt would set in, and I would repent and try to live for God, only to cave in when things got rough. I continually blamed God for my desires, and also for the temptations.

Soon, the times when I was pursuing sex and porn were lasting longer. I became an expert at sitting in church and playing the part of a Christian. But I got farther and father from God in my heart, and sometimes wondered if I could ever come back. When I would repent, which was less often than before, it seemed shallow, and wouldn’t last long at all.

Finally, in February of 2006, I had a sexual encounter with a young man that I had previously tried to discourage from living the gay lifestyle. The encounter blew my world apart. I felt guilt like I never had felt before. I wanted to pray, wanted to repent, but for about a week, I could not. Then due to people praying for me, I had a breakthrough, and repented like I never had before.

I have noticed since then, my attitude toward my struggles has changed drastically. I no longer blame God, or my parents, although they played a part in it. I have accepted it as life hurt me, and different events, and the way I responded to them, played a big part in my turning out gay.

I still fight temptation, but don’t really fight being gay. I am a Christian who struggles with SSA, and instead of asking God to make me “normal”, and straight, I pray instead that He make me more like Him, and that I will remain pure in heart, mind, and actions.

A friend of mine stated that homosexuality is our cross. If that is the case, I want to carry my cross for Christ. If someday He changes my sexual desires, then fine. If not, as long as He gives me the strength to remain pure and live for Him, that is all I ask.