Today I joined the ranks of the unemployed. I didn't get fired or laid off. My place of employment didn't close. I quit. On the spot. It was one of those "straws that broke the camel's back" moments.
I've been wanting to quit for months, and lately I have had this strong feeling that I should quit, to give my 2 week notice. I am not where I need to be with God, so I hesitate to say it was Him, but it sure seemed like it was coming from Him. This was more than my desire to quit. This was an urge from inside me somewhere that I should do it.
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I have been praying and reading my Bible lately, something I had not been doing for at least two years. Those prayers revolve around asking God to help me believe that He loves me, helping me to find Him, to learn more about what He is really like instead of the mean judgemental God I have tried to serve, and work. I have been praying that He would help me find something better. Something where I didn't have to work Sundays. Then came this weird urging to give my notice. I went so far as to ask God to show me somehow if I should do so. Maybe today was an answer to that prayer? I don't know. I wouldn't imagine God would want me to quit on the spot, but the events of today, and even yesterday, seemed to give me the push I needed. And in hindsight, I wish I had given a 2 week notice a few weeks ago. But I do not feel regretful.
I do have worries. I have enough in my savings that I could go a few months without work and pay the few bills that I have, plus I do have another paycheck coming. But life isn't as certain when you don't have a job to go to.
I am hoping this gives me the push I need to job search harder. When I have a job and want a new one, I don't look as hard as I need to look. However, when I don't have a job, I look harder for a one.
This opens a new chapter in my life. And I needed a new chapter. Whether you know me or not, I ask that you'd keep me in your prayers. That I find God in the way I need, and that I find the right job, one where I am not forced to work on Sundays. Thank-you if you do.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Married and gay
I was out to eat with a good friend of mine recently, and this subject came up because of a relationship that personally involves/affects her. She knows about my sexual struggles and is one of the few people who know who seems willing to talk about it. She asked me if I believe men who have same-sex attractions can marry and make it work, and if I thought I could.
There has been a lot said and written about it, and I of course have my opinions on the subject, but that is no easy question, nor is there any easy answers to it.
The sad truth is, all too many men who have same-sex attractions, marry in hopes that it will cure them. It rarely does. Over the years, I have run across a lot of married men in gay chat rooms, on gay personals, and anywhere else guys meet to hook up. Early on, I made the decision not to hook up with married guys, if I know ahead of time they are married. Yeah, such high standards coming from a guy who has been with so many men sexually that I can't put an exact number on it, just a ballpark estimate. Thing is, no ifs, ands, or buts about it: sex between two men (or two women) is wrong. God said so, and not just in the Old Testament. So whether the guy is married or not, it is wrong to do anything sexual with him. But I don't want to do anything to help in the break-up of a marriage. I don't want to be the "other woman."
I'm not out to judge guys who are married and having sex with guys, for I sure can't cast the first stone, or any stone. But there are reasons I never married. First off, I never felt attracted enough to a woman to go that far, and feared I would not be able to perform sexually or truly love a woman. Secondly, I was afraid if it did work, I would give into the temptation to have sex with other guys. Marriage is a sacred institution, ordained by God. If I got in it, it would be for the long haul. Divorce would not be in the equation. So as badly as I wanted - and want - to marry, I was afraid to try it. I had no illusions of it curing me. I was afraid of failure and of hurting someone else. If I made a vow, I wanted to make sure I would honor and keep it. And truthfully, I'm not sure I could.
It is surprising the amount of married guys there are that struggle and/or act out. Not only have I run across a lot in my wanderings on the wrong path, but I also have on the right path. Some years back, I took a course from Setting Captives Free. They have several courses on line, and one is geared for guys dealing with SSA. I took one, and after a while became a "mentor", which meant I had to help other guys taking the course. My mentor was a married guy. The guy in charge of the course was a married guy. At least a third. possibly half of the guys I dealt with were married. Only God knows how many married men in our churches are dealing with this silently and alone. Some better than others.
Should guys that struggle with same-sex attractions marry, or even consider marrying? I believe it depends on a couple of factors. And this is me talking, not something I am quoting.
1) He should marry if he is truly attracted to and loves the woman he is going to marry. So what if he is still attracted to other guys. Any normal heterosexual man is attracted to other women and has to keep that in check and have eyes for only his wife.
I read something a man wrote that had done this. He said he still was not attracted sexually any woman other than his wife, but that was enough. And shouldn't that be any woman's dream?
2) That he goes into that marriage understanding how important his vow is that he is taking, not just in front of men, but in front of God, and does all he can to honor that vow and remain faithful.
Jesus himself had a lot to say about lust. What guys like me forget or lose sight of, is that the average red-blooded heterosexual male has sexual struggles and battles also. They are faced with all kinds of temptations to look and lust after women they aren't married to, temptations of porn, affairs. They have the temptation to look at scantily clad women just as much as I have to look at guys that are wearing next to nothing.
3) They need to remember it is still cheating, still adultery, if they do have sex with another guy. No excuses. They are breaking their vow.
The second part of my friend's question: Could I ever marry. I have been thinking about this, and thinking about married guys who have sex with other guys, and I came to a conclusion. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I don't think the reason for guys caving in and having sex with other guys is simply a failure to overcome their sexual struggles. I don't think my not being able to marry is because of a failure to overcome my sexual struggles. It really has nothing to do with same-sex attractions or being gay, and yet it does because that is what we struggle with.
I believe it is a spiritual problem, not sexual. And yes, I admit the possibility of being wrong, but hear me out. I will admit I have never reached the place where I had the kind of relationship with God that I wanted. That others have. It wasn't as much a relationship, as an acquaintance. I never quite have believed He loved me. I never really felt like I loved Him. I tried to keep the rules and do enough to get by so I could make it to Heaven, but never really fully surrendered myself and my sexuality to Him. I never nailed it to the cross. Oh, I tried to overcome it, tried to break the cycle, but down deep, I wanted what I wanted. Down deep, I blamed God for these desires and was angry about them.
I think it is Biblical to say that if we get to the place where we need to be with God, anything is possible. Anything. Even having same-sex attractions and being married to a woman, loving her, and staying faithful. There have been men who were very promiscuous with other women and porn, but were transformed by God, married and were faithful. If He can do that for a heterosexual man, can't He do it for a gay one? Of course.
If we are surrendered, faithful, and committed 100% to God, then commitment to the person we are married to is possible. Temptations will still come. We all have them. The guy with same-sex attractions thinks his are worse than the heterosexual man's, and they aren't. They are different in some ways, and they seem worse, but sex is sex, immorality is immorality, desire is desire, lust is lust. Doesn't matter the gender of the other person, anything outside of sex between a married man and woman is sin and God does not approve.
I really believe that if I could get to the place where I truly believe God loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons, and be completely surrendered to Him, that marriage would be possible for me. It isn't His fault I am single, but my own. But my relationship with God has been too shallow, based on the wrong reasons and beliefs for me to have ever gotten to that place.
And I am not naive to believe it would be a bed of roses even then, but life rarely is. The alcoholic who becomes a Christian is still only a drink away from falling off the wagon. The former drug addict only one shot or snort away from going back to his old life. No matter what our struggle or temptation, God can help us conquer it and stay on top of it, but it will never happen if we are playing around the edges of sin and are not completely focused and committed on a relationship with Him. Can I get there? I hope so. I am working on it. And not in the hopes that I can marry. No, in the hopes that I can finally have the relationship with God that I have longed for all my life.
There was another part of my answer to my friend. I told her that even if I could make it work, what woman would want to marry a guy that had been with over 200 men sexually? I was somewhat surprised by her reply. I can't remember it word for word, but it was something like this: "You might be surprised. Things like that aren't always as much of a big deal to women as you might think. And there are a lot of heterosexual guys who have been with a lot of women and marry. How is that any different?"
Interesting food for thought. I may never have to deal with that, but I did have something surprising happen to me a few years back. I won't give many details, as I do try to remain anonymous on this blog, but I was asked out on a date by a woman. It was surprising for more than one reason. One reason it was surprising, is she is at least 13 years younger than me. The other reason? She knew of my struggles and that I had been with other guys sexually. So maybe my friend is correct. And in case you wonder, I did turn her down. I had no confidence it would work on my part, plus in a few months it would have become a very, very long distance relationship. We are talking different countries.
I've probably rambled some, as I tend to do, but from reading, personal observations, and my own thinking, I do believe it is possible for a man that has same-sex attractions and has even acted out, to marry a woman and make it work. But he needs to be fully committed to his wife and to God, and be determined to make it work.
And might I add, the single guy, like myself, needs to be just as committed to be true and faithful and pure, though there is no marriage partner involved, it is still sin, and something that needs to be overcome. Not trying to let myself off the hook.
There has been a lot said and written about it, and I of course have my opinions on the subject, but that is no easy question, nor is there any easy answers to it.
The sad truth is, all too many men who have same-sex attractions, marry in hopes that it will cure them. It rarely does. Over the years, I have run across a lot of married men in gay chat rooms, on gay personals, and anywhere else guys meet to hook up. Early on, I made the decision not to hook up with married guys, if I know ahead of time they are married. Yeah, such high standards coming from a guy who has been with so many men sexually that I can't put an exact number on it, just a ballpark estimate. Thing is, no ifs, ands, or buts about it: sex between two men (or two women) is wrong. God said so, and not just in the Old Testament. So whether the guy is married or not, it is wrong to do anything sexual with him. But I don't want to do anything to help in the break-up of a marriage. I don't want to be the "other woman."
I'm not out to judge guys who are married and having sex with guys, for I sure can't cast the first stone, or any stone. But there are reasons I never married. First off, I never felt attracted enough to a woman to go that far, and feared I would not be able to perform sexually or truly love a woman. Secondly, I was afraid if it did work, I would give into the temptation to have sex with other guys. Marriage is a sacred institution, ordained by God. If I got in it, it would be for the long haul. Divorce would not be in the equation. So as badly as I wanted - and want - to marry, I was afraid to try it. I had no illusions of it curing me. I was afraid of failure and of hurting someone else. If I made a vow, I wanted to make sure I would honor and keep it. And truthfully, I'm not sure I could.
It is surprising the amount of married guys there are that struggle and/or act out. Not only have I run across a lot in my wanderings on the wrong path, but I also have on the right path. Some years back, I took a course from Setting Captives Free. They have several courses on line, and one is geared for guys dealing with SSA. I took one, and after a while became a "mentor", which meant I had to help other guys taking the course. My mentor was a married guy. The guy in charge of the course was a married guy. At least a third. possibly half of the guys I dealt with were married. Only God knows how many married men in our churches are dealing with this silently and alone. Some better than others.
Should guys that struggle with same-sex attractions marry, or even consider marrying? I believe it depends on a couple of factors. And this is me talking, not something I am quoting.
1) He should marry if he is truly attracted to and loves the woman he is going to marry. So what if he is still attracted to other guys. Any normal heterosexual man is attracted to other women and has to keep that in check and have eyes for only his wife.
I read something a man wrote that had done this. He said he still was not attracted sexually any woman other than his wife, but that was enough. And shouldn't that be any woman's dream?
2) That he goes into that marriage understanding how important his vow is that he is taking, not just in front of men, but in front of God, and does all he can to honor that vow and remain faithful.
Jesus himself had a lot to say about lust. What guys like me forget or lose sight of, is that the average red-blooded heterosexual male has sexual struggles and battles also. They are faced with all kinds of temptations to look and lust after women they aren't married to, temptations of porn, affairs. They have the temptation to look at scantily clad women just as much as I have to look at guys that are wearing next to nothing.
3) They need to remember it is still cheating, still adultery, if they do have sex with another guy. No excuses. They are breaking their vow.
The second part of my friend's question: Could I ever marry. I have been thinking about this, and thinking about married guys who have sex with other guys, and I came to a conclusion. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I don't think the reason for guys caving in and having sex with other guys is simply a failure to overcome their sexual struggles. I don't think my not being able to marry is because of a failure to overcome my sexual struggles. It really has nothing to do with same-sex attractions or being gay, and yet it does because that is what we struggle with.
I believe it is a spiritual problem, not sexual. And yes, I admit the possibility of being wrong, but hear me out. I will admit I have never reached the place where I had the kind of relationship with God that I wanted. That others have. It wasn't as much a relationship, as an acquaintance. I never quite have believed He loved me. I never really felt like I loved Him. I tried to keep the rules and do enough to get by so I could make it to Heaven, but never really fully surrendered myself and my sexuality to Him. I never nailed it to the cross. Oh, I tried to overcome it, tried to break the cycle, but down deep, I wanted what I wanted. Down deep, I blamed God for these desires and was angry about them.
I think it is Biblical to say that if we get to the place where we need to be with God, anything is possible. Anything. Even having same-sex attractions and being married to a woman, loving her, and staying faithful. There have been men who were very promiscuous with other women and porn, but were transformed by God, married and were faithful. If He can do that for a heterosexual man, can't He do it for a gay one? Of course.
If we are surrendered, faithful, and committed 100% to God, then commitment to the person we are married to is possible. Temptations will still come. We all have them. The guy with same-sex attractions thinks his are worse than the heterosexual man's, and they aren't. They are different in some ways, and they seem worse, but sex is sex, immorality is immorality, desire is desire, lust is lust. Doesn't matter the gender of the other person, anything outside of sex between a married man and woman is sin and God does not approve.
I really believe that if I could get to the place where I truly believe God loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons, and be completely surrendered to Him, that marriage would be possible for me. It isn't His fault I am single, but my own. But my relationship with God has been too shallow, based on the wrong reasons and beliefs for me to have ever gotten to that place.
And I am not naive to believe it would be a bed of roses even then, but life rarely is. The alcoholic who becomes a Christian is still only a drink away from falling off the wagon. The former drug addict only one shot or snort away from going back to his old life. No matter what our struggle or temptation, God can help us conquer it and stay on top of it, but it will never happen if we are playing around the edges of sin and are not completely focused and committed on a relationship with Him. Can I get there? I hope so. I am working on it. And not in the hopes that I can marry. No, in the hopes that I can finally have the relationship with God that I have longed for all my life.
There was another part of my answer to my friend. I told her that even if I could make it work, what woman would want to marry a guy that had been with over 200 men sexually? I was somewhat surprised by her reply. I can't remember it word for word, but it was something like this: "You might be surprised. Things like that aren't always as much of a big deal to women as you might think. And there are a lot of heterosexual guys who have been with a lot of women and marry. How is that any different?"
Interesting food for thought. I may never have to deal with that, but I did have something surprising happen to me a few years back. I won't give many details, as I do try to remain anonymous on this blog, but I was asked out on a date by a woman. It was surprising for more than one reason. One reason it was surprising, is she is at least 13 years younger than me. The other reason? She knew of my struggles and that I had been with other guys sexually. So maybe my friend is correct. And in case you wonder, I did turn her down. I had no confidence it would work on my part, plus in a few months it would have become a very, very long distance relationship. We are talking different countries.
I've probably rambled some, as I tend to do, but from reading, personal observations, and my own thinking, I do believe it is possible for a man that has same-sex attractions and has even acted out, to marry a woman and make it work. But he needs to be fully committed to his wife and to God, and be determined to make it work.
And might I add, the single guy, like myself, needs to be just as committed to be true and faithful and pure, though there is no marriage partner involved, it is still sin, and something that needs to be overcome. Not trying to let myself off the hook.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Church and AA, borrowed post
This post was not written by me, but I thought it was really good and echoes my own feelings. Written by author Francine Rivers. Orginal post here.
Church and AA
Having known and loved several alcoholics over the years, I have on occasion attended AA meetings in order to understand and empathize with those suffering. Although I don’t drink, everything I heard was applicable. I felt connected.
Everyone had a place. Someone ordinary opened the meeting. A Preamble was read which stated the mission of AA, and someone else read an introduction to how it works giving the core of the AA program. Everyone is reminded that there is anonymity. What is said in the meeting stays in the meeting. There are twelve steps, all of which apply to my life before I was a Christian and what my life is now learning to walk one-day-at-a-time in faith. A speaker meeting has someone give their testimony on how working the AA program helped them stop drinking. In other meetings, a topic is chosen and people enter into discussion. In a “big book” meeting, the focus is on the Alcoholics Anonymous book, and attendees read and discuss a section. A “step study” focuses on discussing one of the twelve steps. I listened carefully and learned and gained hope from the experience they shared as recovering alcoholics and those still striving for sobriety. The meeting ended with people joining hands and praying. No one leaves without the offer of a list of telephone numbers for people willing to help in time of crisis or literature that will inspire and give hope through daily struggles.
This is what I loved about AA:
An open greeting to everyone. Warmth and welcome were offered to all. A feeling of safe haven for those down deep in disease and desperate for hope.
A preamble and explanation of what AA is and what it has to offer.
Meetings with meat: personal testimonies that gave hope, topical studies directed at common struggles; study of the BIG BOOK, study of steps to recovery.
An emphasis on sharing personal experience and hope.
A safe place to be completely honest about personal struggles and the opportunity to confess without condemnation. “Hi. My name is Francine and I’m a sinner.”
A list of phone numbers of supportive friends before walk you out the door.
Literature to inspire you between meetings.
Holding hands and praying together.
You know what? AA reminded me of what a church can and should be.
Everyone had a place. Someone ordinary opened the meeting. A Preamble was read which stated the mission of AA, and someone else read an introduction to how it works giving the core of the AA program. Everyone is reminded that there is anonymity. What is said in the meeting stays in the meeting. There are twelve steps, all of which apply to my life before I was a Christian and what my life is now learning to walk one-day-at-a-time in faith. A speaker meeting has someone give their testimony on how working the AA program helped them stop drinking. In other meetings, a topic is chosen and people enter into discussion. In a “big book” meeting, the focus is on the Alcoholics Anonymous book, and attendees read and discuss a section. A “step study” focuses on discussing one of the twelve steps. I listened carefully and learned and gained hope from the experience they shared as recovering alcoholics and those still striving for sobriety. The meeting ended with people joining hands and praying. No one leaves without the offer of a list of telephone numbers for people willing to help in time of crisis or literature that will inspire and give hope through daily struggles.
This is what I loved about AA:
An open greeting to everyone. Warmth and welcome were offered to all. A feeling of safe haven for those down deep in disease and desperate for hope.
A preamble and explanation of what AA is and what it has to offer.
Meetings with meat: personal testimonies that gave hope, topical studies directed at common struggles; study of the BIG BOOK, study of steps to recovery.
An emphasis on sharing personal experience and hope.
A safe place to be completely honest about personal struggles and the opportunity to confess without condemnation. “Hi. My name is Francine and I’m a sinner.”
A list of phone numbers of supportive friends before walk you out the door.
Literature to inspire you between meetings.
Holding hands and praying together.
You know what? AA reminded me of what a church can and should be.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Norman Vincent Peale and me
Most people are familiar with Norman Vincent Peale and his book The Power of Positive Thinking. Too much can be made it, and there is a lot of psycho babble that comes into play, but there is something to be said for positive thinking,
Due to a couple of things in my life, I have been doing a lot of thinking and evaluating my life lately. I am tired of being depressed and have come to the realization that I can at least partly change that. I have been way too negative in my thinking and have fallen for the devil's lies too easily.
I read a book recently that was fiction, but it dealt with believing the lies of the devil, and it helped me look at that in a different light. He doesn't just lie about spiritual things like "you don't have to be that good", etc. He also tells us things like "you can't do anything right", "no one likes you", "you are a failure." It may sound naive' of me, but I guess I never thought about some of these negative things like I mentioned coming from the devil. Obviously God doesn't tell us that kind of garbage, so I don't know where I thought they were coming from.
No one can change overnight, but I have been working on changing. I have been trying to go with old Norm's advice and think more positive, and it IS helping. I don't mean to discount God and what He can do, but I was so depressed for so long that I couldn't pray. I gave up. It felt like my prayers were bouncing back off the ceiling, If you have never dealt with depression, you can't understand it. It becomes hard and near impossible to separate the emotions from the spiritual. It all just blends together.
It isn't mere psycho babble, but I have tried to quit my negative thinking and am trying to ignore the devil's lies. I can't say I am depression-free, but I am better than I have been for a couple of years. I have changed enough that I am praying again and reading my Bible.
I am still screwed up enough that I am not ready to attempt serving God yet. I'd just cave at the first temptation or trial. Most Christians would disagree with my approach, but I am trying to change some things before I take that step. I am trying to get in the habit of praying and reading my Bible daily, even if it is one verse. Does God hear my prayers when I am not right with Him? I don't know...... I grew up hearing it preached that the only prayer God hears from a sinner is repentance. Some would say I am not a sinner since I have been a Christian. I am not a Bible expert, but I know when God is in my heart and when He is not. And currently, He is not. But who says He is not listening? I am not asking for much. I pray that He will help me believe again, that He will help me to truly believe He loves me, and that He will help me find a better job and one where I will not have to work Sundays.
The believing in God's love is also something I am working on. I try to tell myself that God loves me on occasion now, instead of telling myself that He doesn't, like I usually do. Will that help? I hope so. It cannot hurt.
I have said it before, but I have been guilty of making my sexual struggles bigger than God Himself. No, I don't understand why He never changed them, took them away, but Paul asked God to take away his thorn in the flesh, whatever it was, and God didn't. So the fact that God didn't change me should not be reason to think its too big for Him. Did I pray enough for strength to deal with it? Was I willing for Him to use my struggles for His glory? If I am honest, I'd say the answer to both questions is no.
I wish I had the answers. Why doesn't God take away these desires? Why doesn't He turn me heterosexual? Must I be alone, celibate, and single all of my days? Is it possible for a guy to live a pure life and be gay? Oh, well meaning people would tell me God can give me the strength and anything is possible with God...... and that is true, but pat and trite comments like that don't cut it.
But that kind of thinking doesn't fit in with my "positive thinking." Norman would be ashamed of me.
On to other things. I've been thinking a lot lately, and its odd how something will reinforce my thinking. A chat with a friend, something I read in a book (that happened tonight).
I believe I need to get some space from my parents. They may not mean to be, and may have my best interests at heart, but they are too controlling. I believe it has been crippling to me emotionally and spiritually, and has hindered my ability to view myself as an adult and a man, and has hindered my ability to be that. I really need to get a better job and my own place again, and my own life.
For too long, I have sat at home all alone, wishing I wasn't alone. I need to get my own life. Get out and do stuff, meet new people. Oh, I have no illusions that it will be easy and it won't happen overnight, but if I am to be a single guy all of my life, then I need to really get with it and living my own life.
One last thing, and then I need to get to bed. I am trying to be more thankful. Sure, I have issues and problems and a lot that needs to change in my life, but I have so much to be thankful for, so I am trying to be. And that is also a help to beating depression and negativity.
Due to a couple of things in my life, I have been doing a lot of thinking and evaluating my life lately. I am tired of being depressed and have come to the realization that I can at least partly change that. I have been way too negative in my thinking and have fallen for the devil's lies too easily.
I read a book recently that was fiction, but it dealt with believing the lies of the devil, and it helped me look at that in a different light. He doesn't just lie about spiritual things like "you don't have to be that good", etc. He also tells us things like "you can't do anything right", "no one likes you", "you are a failure." It may sound naive' of me, but I guess I never thought about some of these negative things like I mentioned coming from the devil. Obviously God doesn't tell us that kind of garbage, so I don't know where I thought they were coming from.
No one can change overnight, but I have been working on changing. I have been trying to go with old Norm's advice and think more positive, and it IS helping. I don't mean to discount God and what He can do, but I was so depressed for so long that I couldn't pray. I gave up. It felt like my prayers were bouncing back off the ceiling, If you have never dealt with depression, you can't understand it. It becomes hard and near impossible to separate the emotions from the spiritual. It all just blends together.
It isn't mere psycho babble, but I have tried to quit my negative thinking and am trying to ignore the devil's lies. I can't say I am depression-free, but I am better than I have been for a couple of years. I have changed enough that I am praying again and reading my Bible.
I am still screwed up enough that I am not ready to attempt serving God yet. I'd just cave at the first temptation or trial. Most Christians would disagree with my approach, but I am trying to change some things before I take that step. I am trying to get in the habit of praying and reading my Bible daily, even if it is one verse. Does God hear my prayers when I am not right with Him? I don't know...... I grew up hearing it preached that the only prayer God hears from a sinner is repentance. Some would say I am not a sinner since I have been a Christian. I am not a Bible expert, but I know when God is in my heart and when He is not. And currently, He is not. But who says He is not listening? I am not asking for much. I pray that He will help me believe again, that He will help me to truly believe He loves me, and that He will help me find a better job and one where I will not have to work Sundays.
The believing in God's love is also something I am working on. I try to tell myself that God loves me on occasion now, instead of telling myself that He doesn't, like I usually do. Will that help? I hope so. It cannot hurt.
I have said it before, but I have been guilty of making my sexual struggles bigger than God Himself. No, I don't understand why He never changed them, took them away, but Paul asked God to take away his thorn in the flesh, whatever it was, and God didn't. So the fact that God didn't change me should not be reason to think its too big for Him. Did I pray enough for strength to deal with it? Was I willing for Him to use my struggles for His glory? If I am honest, I'd say the answer to both questions is no.
I wish I had the answers. Why doesn't God take away these desires? Why doesn't He turn me heterosexual? Must I be alone, celibate, and single all of my days? Is it possible for a guy to live a pure life and be gay? Oh, well meaning people would tell me God can give me the strength and anything is possible with God...... and that is true, but pat and trite comments like that don't cut it.
But that kind of thinking doesn't fit in with my "positive thinking." Norman would be ashamed of me.
On to other things. I've been thinking a lot lately, and its odd how something will reinforce my thinking. A chat with a friend, something I read in a book (that happened tonight).
I believe I need to get some space from my parents. They may not mean to be, and may have my best interests at heart, but they are too controlling. I believe it has been crippling to me emotionally and spiritually, and has hindered my ability to view myself as an adult and a man, and has hindered my ability to be that. I really need to get a better job and my own place again, and my own life.
For too long, I have sat at home all alone, wishing I wasn't alone. I need to get my own life. Get out and do stuff, meet new people. Oh, I have no illusions that it will be easy and it won't happen overnight, but if I am to be a single guy all of my life, then I need to really get with it and living my own life.
One last thing, and then I need to get to bed. I am trying to be more thankful. Sure, I have issues and problems and a lot that needs to change in my life, but I have so much to be thankful for, so I am trying to be. And that is also a help to beating depression and negativity.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Lessons from Jonah
I recently was priveledged to see a great production of the Bible story of Jonah. It was both entertaining and moving. They brought out the Gospel in it like I never got from reading the Biblical narrative of the story. It was powerful.
The best scene was after Jonah gave his message to the people of Ninevah. They repented, stripped off their outer armor and royal robes and sang the following song. I found the song on Youtube and will put the video also:
I’m Free
By Don Harper
I was shackled in the chains of my own making
Drowning in a sea of all my woe
Somehow I knew a reckoning was coming
Bitter tears would only sting this ravaged soul
Then the God of earth and Heaven
He showed Himself among us
And falling to my knees, I finally prayed
“Jehovah God on high
If I live or if I die
Take this burden of my sin away”
And now I am free
I’m finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of my Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me
For now I’m free
I am free, oh yes I am free
I am free, thank God I am free!
In the mercy and grace that You give each morning
We will sing Your praise
Every voice we will raise
To the end of our days
We will bless Your name
And now I’m free
I am finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of the Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me
For now we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes we’re free
Free, we’re free.
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes, we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh, we’re free
We’re free!
They sang this song twice. The second time, Jonah led it as the closing song of the production. The song is powerful and I cried both times. It loses some of its power on a CD. It was so much more seeing people in repentance singing it. It really hit me hard.
I had some thoughts I wanted to get down as I watched the show, and will do my best to get them across in my bumbling way:
1) Everyone has a Ninevah.
At some point in any Christian's life, there is going to be something He fears to do, yet knows that he needs to. There is going to be something God wants him to do that he doesn't want to do.
Right there in that theater, my Ninevah came to me. Homosexuality. I know God wants me to walk away from it forever, yet it is so hard to do so. It has woven its chains around my heart, soul, and mind.
And they aren't the only chains I wear. I told someone recently that I am in bondage to my family, especially my parents. They want to keep me close by where they can monitor me, make sure I am living up to their expectations. I have had this strong feeling lately that I need some space between them and I to be what God wants, not what they want. That will be hard, and although I can't claim to be where I need to be with God yet, I am already praying to Him about it. I made the statement to a friend of mine, and it is true: if it came down to knowing God wanted me to do something, and my parents didn't want me to do it....... I'm not sure I could do what God wanted me to do.
Another chain is religion. I was raised in a strict conservative church. A lot of focus is on the outward. Too much. I grew up judging people's Christianity by how they look. Is the outward important? Yes. The Bible does talk about modesty, and I believe it is Biblical that men should look like men and women like women. If you can't tell what gender someone is, how is that pleasing to God........ but should men tell us how to dress? What to do and what not to do? If people really want to please God, they won't need rules from their church. They will let God show them. And if they really love God and want to please Him, they won't try to get as close to the edge of what is right or wrong.
The day may come when I need to change churches, or just get away from the church and seek out what God expects from me. I would face a lot of pressure and be fought on that, but can I run from that? Should I just do what my church says and what my parents expect to keep others happy?
Another Ninevah: I have felt for some time that God wants to use my struggles. That scares me. I don't mind talking about them on a blog where I am anonymous or even talking one on one, but to come out in public.... yikes. I feel like running already.
2) When you are running from something, you are running to something else, and often that is worse than what you are running from.
This thought isn't original with me. That statement was made in the Jonah production, and it really hit home. And it is true. Not just for Jonah. I thought about this, and it is true for me.
This may sound I like I made it up, but when I heard that statement, it was if God leaned down and told me that I had been running toward homosexuality all these years, and it was worse than what I was running from.
For years, I have been running. Running from loneliness, from negative feelings. Any time I felt those emotions, I'd turn to pornography and anonymous sex to ease the loneliness and emptiness within me.
But the thing is, what I ran to was worse than what I was running from. I cannot describe the feelings I have experienced with so many sexual encounters. Many were with guys whose names I didn't even know. There were times I dabbled in things that I never thought I would, just to fill a void. But the void got worse.
Can a gay guy find a solution to loneliness in homosexuality? Can they find love? Some may for a while. Gay relationships just don't last very long. And I have to wonder about the ones that do. Is it really love, or is it just a really close friendship. From what I have seen, most gay relationships that last a long time have a few things in common:
1) One or both of the couple is cheating on the other.
2) The couple has a 3rd or more in to have fun with
3) Sex is rare and sometimes non-existent
God has never, and will never, ordain a sexual relationship between people of the same gender, and that is why I believe the relationships don't last. I have thought about totally walking away from what I know is right, embrace my gayness and seek a relationship, but it wouldn't last. In the end, I would be worse off than ever, and more broken.
How much better off I would have been if I had run from homosexuality instead of running toward it. I haven't escaped loneliness or emptiness. I feel more lonely than ever and more empty and broken than I was before I took those steps to pursue my desires, instead of God's. What I ran toward is indeed worse than what I ran from. And in running toward my sexual desires, I ran from God and what He wanted for my life.
3) God gives second (and more) chances.
Through Jonah. God said He was going to destroy Ninevah in 40 days. After they repented, God let them live and did not destroy them. And Jonah got a second chance to do what God had commanded him to do. Where would any of us be if God did not give us more than one chance? Most of us would not be alive. And He has given me countless chances.
4) We don't always get what we deserve.
Jonah didn't deserve to get out of the whale. He was a prophet of God who was determined to not do what God wanted him to do, yet God gave him a wake-up call instead of death. And the people of Ninevah deserved to be destroyed. They were wicked, yet God forgave them when they repented and did not destroy the city.
I hate to think of what I deserve. AIDS, death...... yet I am healthy. I've had a few scares, yet I am alive and healthy. After having sexual encounters with 200+ men...... could it be because God has a plan for my life in spite of all my mess ups, all my sin, all my running?
5) God can and will forgive anyone.
The devil is a powerful and smart enemy and strategist. He doesn't just have one weapon, he has countless weapons. One is lies. If he can get us to believe certain lies, most of his battle is won. He has had me convinced that God doesn't care, doesn't love me, that I have sinned to badly and too often to ever be completely forgiven. But that is a lie.
God can and will forgive anyone. He forgave the wicked people of Ninevah. If the Colorado shooter would repent and seek God, God would forgive him. He would still need to face punishment for his crimes, but God would forgive him...... so why not me? Yes, I have sinned and been far from what God wanted, but I am not beyond redemption, I have not done anything God will not forgive. And I need to remind myself of that daily.
6) God can use anyone. After running from what God asked him to do, and being swallowed by a fish, Jonah didn't seem like someone that God could use, but he was. And a whole city repented and found God.
When I look at myself, I can't see anything that God could possibly use. My talents seem few and small. I have failed him more than I haven't. I feel below average. But if I surrender to Him, who knows how He could use me.
The story of Jonah is much more than just a story about a man that ran from God and got swallowed by a big fish. Read it and think about it.
It has really resonated in me. I wanted to run to God and beg His forgiveness. I didn't do that, but it has changed me.
Some may disagree with me, but I am working on changing some things before I take that step. I have been changing some behaviors and thought patterns. I could take that step now, but I would fall at the first temptation or trial.
I am reading my Bible and praying. Those are things I hadn't done in over 2 years. I am asking God to help me believe and to work in my life. I am working on believing that He loves me. I am changing things in my life that are harmful - thoughts, behaviors, actions. I strongly feel I need to learn more about God, and that I need to work on some areas before I attempt to truly serve Him again. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't feel God is rushing me.
I hope I got across the thoughts I have had on my mind since seeing the production of Jonah. It truly was a powerful message.
The best scene was after Jonah gave his message to the people of Ninevah. They repented, stripped off their outer armor and royal robes and sang the following song. I found the song on Youtube and will put the video also:
I’m Free
By Don Harper
I was shackled in the chains of my own making
Drowning in a sea of all my woe
Somehow I knew a reckoning was coming
Bitter tears would only sting this ravaged soul
Then the God of earth and Heaven
He showed Himself among us
And falling to my knees, I finally prayed
“Jehovah God on high
If I live or if I die
Take this burden of my sin away”
And now I am free
I’m finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of my Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me
For now I’m free
I am free, oh yes I am free
I am free, thank God I am free!
In the mercy and grace that You give each morning
We will sing Your praise
Every voice we will raise
To the end of our days
We will bless Your name
And now I’m free
I am finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of the Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me
For now we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes we’re free
Free, we’re free.
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes, we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh, we’re free
We’re free!
They sang this song twice. The second time, Jonah led it as the closing song of the production. The song is powerful and I cried both times. It loses some of its power on a CD. It was so much more seeing people in repentance singing it. It really hit me hard.
I had some thoughts I wanted to get down as I watched the show, and will do my best to get them across in my bumbling way:
1) Everyone has a Ninevah.
At some point in any Christian's life, there is going to be something He fears to do, yet knows that he needs to. There is going to be something God wants him to do that he doesn't want to do.
Right there in that theater, my Ninevah came to me. Homosexuality. I know God wants me to walk away from it forever, yet it is so hard to do so. It has woven its chains around my heart, soul, and mind.
And they aren't the only chains I wear. I told someone recently that I am in bondage to my family, especially my parents. They want to keep me close by where they can monitor me, make sure I am living up to their expectations. I have had this strong feeling lately that I need some space between them and I to be what God wants, not what they want. That will be hard, and although I can't claim to be where I need to be with God yet, I am already praying to Him about it. I made the statement to a friend of mine, and it is true: if it came down to knowing God wanted me to do something, and my parents didn't want me to do it....... I'm not sure I could do what God wanted me to do.
Another chain is religion. I was raised in a strict conservative church. A lot of focus is on the outward. Too much. I grew up judging people's Christianity by how they look. Is the outward important? Yes. The Bible does talk about modesty, and I believe it is Biblical that men should look like men and women like women. If you can't tell what gender someone is, how is that pleasing to God........ but should men tell us how to dress? What to do and what not to do? If people really want to please God, they won't need rules from their church. They will let God show them. And if they really love God and want to please Him, they won't try to get as close to the edge of what is right or wrong.
The day may come when I need to change churches, or just get away from the church and seek out what God expects from me. I would face a lot of pressure and be fought on that, but can I run from that? Should I just do what my church says and what my parents expect to keep others happy?
Another Ninevah: I have felt for some time that God wants to use my struggles. That scares me. I don't mind talking about them on a blog where I am anonymous or even talking one on one, but to come out in public.... yikes. I feel like running already.
2) When you are running from something, you are running to something else, and often that is worse than what you are running from.
This thought isn't original with me. That statement was made in the Jonah production, and it really hit home. And it is true. Not just for Jonah. I thought about this, and it is true for me.
This may sound I like I made it up, but when I heard that statement, it was if God leaned down and told me that I had been running toward homosexuality all these years, and it was worse than what I was running from.
For years, I have been running. Running from loneliness, from negative feelings. Any time I felt those emotions, I'd turn to pornography and anonymous sex to ease the loneliness and emptiness within me.
But the thing is, what I ran to was worse than what I was running from. I cannot describe the feelings I have experienced with so many sexual encounters. Many were with guys whose names I didn't even know. There were times I dabbled in things that I never thought I would, just to fill a void. But the void got worse.
Can a gay guy find a solution to loneliness in homosexuality? Can they find love? Some may for a while. Gay relationships just don't last very long. And I have to wonder about the ones that do. Is it really love, or is it just a really close friendship. From what I have seen, most gay relationships that last a long time have a few things in common:
1) One or both of the couple is cheating on the other.
2) The couple has a 3rd or more in to have fun with
3) Sex is rare and sometimes non-existent
God has never, and will never, ordain a sexual relationship between people of the same gender, and that is why I believe the relationships don't last. I have thought about totally walking away from what I know is right, embrace my gayness and seek a relationship, but it wouldn't last. In the end, I would be worse off than ever, and more broken.
How much better off I would have been if I had run from homosexuality instead of running toward it. I haven't escaped loneliness or emptiness. I feel more lonely than ever and more empty and broken than I was before I took those steps to pursue my desires, instead of God's. What I ran toward is indeed worse than what I ran from. And in running toward my sexual desires, I ran from God and what He wanted for my life.
3) God gives second (and more) chances.
Through Jonah. God said He was going to destroy Ninevah in 40 days. After they repented, God let them live and did not destroy them. And Jonah got a second chance to do what God had commanded him to do. Where would any of us be if God did not give us more than one chance? Most of us would not be alive. And He has given me countless chances.
4) We don't always get what we deserve.
Jonah didn't deserve to get out of the whale. He was a prophet of God who was determined to not do what God wanted him to do, yet God gave him a wake-up call instead of death. And the people of Ninevah deserved to be destroyed. They were wicked, yet God forgave them when they repented and did not destroy the city.
I hate to think of what I deserve. AIDS, death...... yet I am healthy. I've had a few scares, yet I am alive and healthy. After having sexual encounters with 200+ men...... could it be because God has a plan for my life in spite of all my mess ups, all my sin, all my running?
5) God can and will forgive anyone.
The devil is a powerful and smart enemy and strategist. He doesn't just have one weapon, he has countless weapons. One is lies. If he can get us to believe certain lies, most of his battle is won. He has had me convinced that God doesn't care, doesn't love me, that I have sinned to badly and too often to ever be completely forgiven. But that is a lie.
God can and will forgive anyone. He forgave the wicked people of Ninevah. If the Colorado shooter would repent and seek God, God would forgive him. He would still need to face punishment for his crimes, but God would forgive him...... so why not me? Yes, I have sinned and been far from what God wanted, but I am not beyond redemption, I have not done anything God will not forgive. And I need to remind myself of that daily.
6) God can use anyone. After running from what God asked him to do, and being swallowed by a fish, Jonah didn't seem like someone that God could use, but he was. And a whole city repented and found God.
When I look at myself, I can't see anything that God could possibly use. My talents seem few and small. I have failed him more than I haven't. I feel below average. But if I surrender to Him, who knows how He could use me.
The story of Jonah is much more than just a story about a man that ran from God and got swallowed by a big fish. Read it and think about it.
It has really resonated in me. I wanted to run to God and beg His forgiveness. I didn't do that, but it has changed me.
Some may disagree with me, but I am working on changing some things before I take that step. I have been changing some behaviors and thought patterns. I could take that step now, but I would fall at the first temptation or trial.
I am reading my Bible and praying. Those are things I hadn't done in over 2 years. I am asking God to help me believe and to work in my life. I am working on believing that He loves me. I am changing things in my life that are harmful - thoughts, behaviors, actions. I strongly feel I need to learn more about God, and that I need to work on some areas before I attempt to truly serve Him again. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't feel God is rushing me.
I hope I got across the thoughts I have had on my mind since seeing the production of Jonah. It truly was a powerful message.
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