Married and gay

I was out to eat with a good friend of mine recently, and this subject came up because of a relationship that personally involves/affects her. She knows about my sexual struggles and is one of the few people who know who seems willing to talk about it. She asked me if I believe men who have same-sex attractions can marry and make it work, and if I thought I could.

There has been a lot said and written about it, and I of course have my opinions on the subject, but that is no easy question, nor is there any easy answers to it.

The sad truth is, all too many men who have same-sex attractions, marry in hopes that it will cure them. It rarely does. Over the years, I have run across a lot of married men in gay chat rooms, on gay personals, and anywhere else guys meet to hook up. Early on, I made the decision not to hook up with married guys, if I know ahead of time they are married.  Yeah, such high standards coming from a  guy who has been with so many men sexually that I can't put an exact number on it, just a ballpark estimate. Thing is, no ifs, ands, or buts about it: sex between two men (or two women) is wrong. God said so, and not just in the Old Testament. So whether the guy is married or not, it is wrong to do anything sexual with him. But I don't want to do anything to help in the break-up of a marriage. I don't want to be the "other woman."

I'm not out to judge guys who are married and having sex with guys, for I sure can't cast the first stone, or any stone. But there are reasons I never married. First off, I never felt attracted enough to a woman to go that far, and feared I would not be able to perform sexually or truly love a woman. Secondly, I was afraid if it did work, I would give into the temptation to have sex with other guys. Marriage is a sacred institution, ordained by God. If I got in it, it would be for the long haul. Divorce would not be in the equation. So as badly as I wanted - and want - to marry, I was afraid to try it. I had no illusions of it curing me. I was afraid of failure and of hurting someone else. If I made a vow, I wanted to make sure I would honor and keep it. And truthfully, I'm not sure I could.

It is surprising the amount of married guys there are that struggle and/or act out. Not only have I run across a lot in my wanderings on the wrong path, but I also have on the right path. Some years back, I took a course from Setting Captives Free. They have several courses on line, and one is geared for guys dealing with SSA. I took one, and after a while became a "mentor", which meant I had to help other guys taking the course. My mentor was a married guy. The guy in charge of the course was a married guy. At least a third. possibly half of the guys I dealt with were married. Only God knows how many married men in our churches are dealing with this silently and alone. Some better than others.

Should guys that struggle with same-sex attractions marry, or even consider marrying? I believe it depends on a couple of factors. And this is me talking, not something I am quoting.

1) He should marry if he is truly attracted to and loves the woman he is going to marry. So what if he is still attracted to other guys. Any normal heterosexual man is attracted to other women and has to keep that in check and have eyes for only his wife.

I read something a man wrote that had done this. He said he still was not attracted sexually any woman other than his wife, but that was enough. And shouldn't that be any woman's dream?

2) That he goes into that marriage understanding how important his vow is that he is taking, not just in front of men, but in front of God, and does all he can to honor that vow and remain faithful.

Jesus himself had a lot to say about lust. What guys like me forget or lose sight of, is that the average red-blooded heterosexual male has sexual struggles and battles also. They are faced with all kinds of temptations to look and lust after women they aren't married to, temptations of porn, affairs. They have the temptation to look at scantily clad women just as much as I have to look at guys that are wearing next to nothing.

3) They need to remember it is still cheating, still adultery, if they do have sex with another guy. No excuses. They are breaking their vow.


The second part of my friend's question: Could I ever marry. I have been thinking about this, and thinking about married guys who have sex with other guys, and I came to a conclusion. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I don't think the reason for guys caving in and having sex with other guys is simply a failure to overcome their sexual struggles. I don't think my not being able to marry is because of a failure to overcome my sexual struggles. It really has nothing to do with same-sex attractions or being gay, and yet it does because that is what we struggle with.

I believe it is a spiritual problem, not sexual. And yes, I admit the possibility of being wrong, but hear me out. I will admit I have never reached the place where I had the kind of relationship with God that I wanted. That others have. It wasn't as much a relationship, as an acquaintance. I never quite have believed He loved me. I never really felt like I loved Him. I tried to keep the rules and do enough to get by so I could make it to Heaven, but never really fully surrendered myself and my sexuality to Him. I never nailed it to the cross. Oh, I tried to overcome it, tried to break the cycle, but down deep, I wanted what I wanted. Down deep, I blamed God for these desires and was angry about them.

I think it is Biblical to say that if we get to the place where we need to be with God, anything is possible. Anything. Even having same-sex attractions and being married to a woman, loving her, and staying faithful. There have been men who were very promiscuous with other women and porn, but were transformed by God, married and were faithful. If He can do that for a heterosexual man, can't He do it for a gay one? Of course.

If we are surrendered, faithful,  and committed 100% to God, then commitment to the person we are married to is possible. Temptations will still come. We all have them. The guy with same-sex attractions thinks his are worse than the heterosexual man's, and they aren't. They are different in some ways, and they seem worse, but sex is sex, immorality is immorality, desire is desire, lust is lust. Doesn't matter the gender of the other person, anything outside of sex between a married man and woman is sin and God does not approve.

I really believe that if I could get to the place where I truly believe God loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons, and be completely surrendered to Him, that marriage would be possible for me. It isn't His fault I am single, but my own. But my relationship with God has been too shallow, based on the wrong reasons and beliefs for me to have ever gotten to that place.

And I am not naive to believe it would be a bed of roses even then, but life rarely is. The alcoholic who becomes a Christian is still only a drink away from falling off the wagon. The former drug addict only one shot or snort away from going back to his old life. No matter what our struggle or temptation, God can help us conquer it and stay on top of it, but it will never happen if we are playing around the edges of sin and are not completely focused and committed on a relationship with Him. Can I get there? I hope so. I am working on it. And not in the hopes that I can marry. No, in the hopes that I can finally have the relationship with God that I have longed for all my life.

There was another part of my answer to my friend. I told her that even if I could make it work, what woman would want to marry a guy that had been with over 200 men sexually? I was somewhat surprised by her reply. I can't remember it word for word, but it was something like this: "You might be surprised. Things like that aren't always as much of a big deal to women as you might think. And there are a lot of heterosexual guys who have been with a lot of women and marry. How is that any different?"

Interesting food for thought. I may never have to deal with that, but I did have something surprising happen to me a few years back. I won't give many details, as I do try to remain anonymous on this blog, but I was asked out on a date by a woman. It was surprising for more than one reason. One reason it was surprising, is she is at least 13 years younger than me. The other reason? She knew of my struggles and that I had been with other guys sexually. So maybe my friend is correct. And in case you wonder, I did turn her down. I had no confidence it would work on my part, plus in a few months it would have become a very, very long distance relationship. We are talking different countries.

I've probably rambled some, as I tend to do, but from reading, personal observations, and my own thinking, I do believe it is possible for a man that has same-sex attractions and has even acted out, to marry a woman and make it work. But he needs to be fully committed to his wife and to God, and be determined to make it work.

And might I add, the single guy, like myself, needs to be just as committed to be true and faithful and pure, though there is no marriage partner involved, it is still sin, and something that needs to be overcome. Not trying to let myself off the hook.