Norman Vincent Peale and me

Most people are familiar with Norman Vincent Peale and his book The Power of Positive Thinking. Too much can be made it, and there is a lot of psycho babble that comes into play, but there is something to be said for positive thinking,

Due to a couple of things in my life, I have been doing a lot of thinking and evaluating my life lately. I am tired of being depressed and have come to the realization that I can at least partly change that. I have been way too negative in my thinking and have fallen for the devil's lies too easily.

I read a book recently that was fiction, but it dealt with believing the lies of the devil, and it helped me look at that in a different light. He doesn't just lie about spiritual things like "you don't have to be that good", etc. He also tells us things like "you can't do anything right", "no one likes you", "you are a failure." It may sound naive' of me, but I guess I never thought about some of these negative things like I mentioned coming from the devil. Obviously God doesn't tell us that kind of garbage, so I don't know where I thought they were coming from.

No one can change overnight, but I have been working on changing. I have been trying to go with old Norm's advice and think more positive, and it IS helping. I don't mean to discount God and what He can do, but I was so depressed for so long that I couldn't pray. I gave up. It felt like my prayers were bouncing back off the ceiling, If you have never dealt with depression, you can't understand it. It becomes hard and near impossible to separate the emotions from the spiritual. It all just blends together.

It isn't mere psycho babble, but I have tried to quit my negative thinking and am trying to ignore the devil's lies. I can't say I am depression-free, but I am better than I have been for a couple of years. I have changed enough that I am praying again and reading my Bible.

I am still screwed up enough that I am not ready to attempt serving God yet. I'd just cave at the first temptation or trial. Most Christians would disagree with my approach, but I am trying to change some things before I take that step. I am trying to get in the habit of praying and reading my Bible daily, even if it is one verse. Does God hear my prayers when I am not right with Him? I don't know...... I grew up hearing it preached that the only prayer God hears from a sinner is repentance. Some would say I am not a sinner since I have been a Christian. I am not a Bible expert, but I know when God is in my heart and when He is not. And currently, He is not. But who says He is not listening? I am not asking for much. I pray that He will help me believe again, that He will help me to truly believe He loves me, and that He will help me find a better job and one where I will not have to work Sundays.

The believing in God's love is also something I am working on. I try to tell myself that God loves me on occasion now, instead of telling myself that He doesn't, like I usually do. Will that help? I hope so. It cannot hurt.

I have said it before, but I have been guilty of making my sexual struggles bigger than God Himself. No, I don't understand why He never changed them, took them away, but Paul asked God to take away his thorn in the flesh, whatever it was, and God didn't. So the fact that God didn't change me should not be reason to think its too big for Him. Did I pray enough for strength to deal with it? Was I willing for Him to use my struggles for His glory? If I am honest, I'd say the answer to both questions is no.

I wish I had the answers. Why doesn't God take away these desires? Why doesn't He turn me heterosexual? Must I be alone, celibate,  and single all of my days? Is it possible for a guy to live a pure life and be gay? Oh, well meaning people would tell me God can give me the strength and anything is possible with God...... and that is true, but pat and trite comments like that don't cut it.

But that kind of thinking doesn't fit in with my "positive thinking." Norman would be ashamed of me.

On to other things. I've been thinking a lot lately, and its odd how something will reinforce my thinking. A chat with a friend, something I read in a book (that happened tonight).

I believe I need to get some space from my parents. They may not mean to be, and may have my best interests at heart, but they are too controlling. I believe it has been crippling to me emotionally and spiritually, and has hindered my ability to view myself as an adult and a man, and has hindered my ability to be that. I really need to get a better job and my own place again, and my own life.

For too long, I have sat at home all alone, wishing I wasn't alone. I need to get my own life. Get out and do stuff, meet new people. Oh, I have no illusions that it will be easy and it won't happen overnight, but if I am to be a single guy all of my life, then I need to really get with it and living my own life.

One last thing, and then I need to get to bed. I am trying to be more thankful. Sure, I have issues and problems and a lot that needs to change in my life, but I have so much to be thankful for, so I am trying to be. And that is also a help to beating depression and negativity.