Discouragement

I am beyond discouraged. I had the opportunity to get a new job and had my hopes up - stupid move, I should learn by now not to get my hopes up. I'd gone so far as to look at apartment prices on craigslist and did a rough budget, excited about the prospect of getting out on my own again, out of my parents' basement, but it was not to be. I could have had the job, but there was too much they didn't tell me up front about it. It just would not have been a good idea to take it. I'm starting to wonder if I should have quit my former job. Sure, I got so much crap dealt to me that I dreaded the start of each work day. Sure, I was dying on the inside and didn't make enough to get my own place, but at least I was making money.

Since I got back to God, I haven't wished that I could kill myself - something I used to wish more than once a day, but I wished that yesterday. And today. What is the use of living? Does being a Christian cancel being a failure? No, it sure doesn't seem that way. God doesn't wave a magic wand and make me successful and confident.

This will sound like a pity party, and maybe it is in part, but even now, I find myself wondering why something can't go my way. I'm sick of the gay crap, sick of being lonely and wondering if I will ever love someone, be able to have a family - and sick of minimum wage jobs that don't pay enough to keep me afloat. I'm not good at anything - and that isn't my lack of confidence speaking. I'm not. All I have ever had in my entire life, was minimum wage jobs, and I barely made it. The last time I lived on my own was so bad, that I got in debt bad using credit cards. And not just for unnecessary stuff, but for food, gas, etc.

I wish God would just take me when I am where I should be spiritually. Even at my best times emotionally and spiritually, I look at the future and wonder and fear it. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I'm not attracted to women. I'm cursed with an attraction and desire for other men, something God cruelly says no to.

I've looked and searched for jobs. Any I am interested in require experience. How does one get that if they won't hire you with none?!

I didn't pray and read my Bible last night. I found other ways to ease my discouragement, anger, and depression. Had I had the chance, that would have involved another man. I just didn't care. Am I angry at God? Maybe. I've been praying about finding a good job, been passing over ones that require Sunday work. I don't expect Him to drop the ideal job in my lap, but some help would be appreciated...... but its not really anger over the work situation. Its anger that He bothered to let me live. That He created me. And whatever for? I am not good at anything. I have no redemptive qualities. I am a failure as a man, a Christian - I'm even a failure as a gay man. Research has showed that a lot of gay men tend to be affluent - guess that one benefit of being gay missed me.

I'm back to wondering if there is any advantage of being a Christian, other than to avoid hell. Wondering if I can do this, if there is any sense in trying. I'm too easily discouraged and defeated.

I long to have my own place. I'd hoped to before another winter. Its been 4 long years of having my stuff in storage. 4 long years of sleeping on a sofa bed in the basement of my parents' house. Not even having a door I can close and have quiet and privacy. No, only a sheet to use as a curtain when sleeping and changing clothes. I want out. Out of this house, out of this life, but the only way out seems to be by my own hand, and that is a one way ticket straight to hell. And I don't want that.

Do I go on, or give up? I don't know. Right now, I'm down, and don't feel like getting back up. God isn't a magic lamp I can rub and get what I want, but why can't He do SOMETHING?! He wants me to struggle forever with same-sex attractions and be so lonely I cry myself to sleep - fine! But why can't He at least help me get independent of my parents so I feel a little bit more like a man? I don't know. Maybe He likes the emasculated being I am, crushed under my parents' wishes and doomed to live like a bug under a microscope.

I did pray on the way home from turning down the useless job I'd been offered. Its a prayer I will probably continue to pray: "God, just kill me and let me go to Heaven. I don't want this." This thing, this existence called life.