I asked a sincere question a couple of years ago on a forum on a Christian site. I stated that I have always struggled to believe God loves me, and asked how one can overcome that. I got this wonderfully helpful reply (heavy sarcasm intended): "if you don't believe God loves you, then why do you even want to be a Christian?" I was a bit put off by the answer, as I was being sincere and it is a big issue for me, but the guy had a point. If I can't believe God loves me, why DO I want to be a Christian?
There are a few things I believe has affected me in this area:
1) Getting picked on so much as a kid and the bad self esteem that came with that, made me think no one liked me. I do believe that affected my view of how God felt about me too - if no one liked me, then why would He?
2) Relationship with my dad. I'm in my early 40's and still feel like my dad disapproves of me, that I am a disappointment to him, and I still doubt he love me. With all this "God is our Father" stuff, it would make sense that I'd feel that way about God also
3) "Fire and brimstone" preaching. I really can't remember many sermons growing up about God's love. I sat in many a service, especially camp meetings and revival services, where preachers would try to scare people into going to the altar. Yes, scare. They would preach a convicting message, often talking about hell in it - which we do need to talk about it - then have an altar call and keep saying "this is the last verse unless someone comes", and then the best part: scary stories or statements, such as these:
"God has revealed to me that for someone in this service, this will be your last chance to make things right with God. Come, before it is too late"
And there were stories of people who should have gone to the altar, and didn't, and then were killed the next week or month. Every minister at these services seemed to have a whole arsenal of these kind of stories.
I don't remember God's love being emphasized during these altar calls. Just His wrath. The idea that if you didn't go to the altar, He was going to "get you". So often I'd go. I was up and down a lot spiritually as a teen - wow, so much has changed - and I was easily influenced into going to the altar, usually scared into going to the altar, more like it.
There was always something in me that wanted to do right, but my relationship with God was always based on a fear of hell, and of making my family happy. I know my parents well enough to know what life would be like if I just admitted I wasn't a Christian and walked away from the church. I'd deal with sermons, lectures, crying, warnings of eternal doom...... they would not be these parents who just love their unsaved kids and pray for them without making a scene. So I march on through life trying to serve a God I don't believe cares about me, so I will avoid hell and make my family happy.
But I can't imagine not playing this part. Even at my worst, I rarely listen to secular music of any kind, never read secular books. I can't imagine not listening to the Christian music groups I listen to, nor reading the Christian authors I like so well. It doesn't make sense, I admit it 100%.
There are times I'd like to just forget it all and throw myself 100% into the gay lifestyle, find a guy to have a relationship with, and all that...... yet, I fear I'd never come back, and again - I can't deal with my family's reactions if I did that. Not to mention how much I disagree with the gay agenda - and there is one.
I don't pray much nowadays, but I was praying the other night about this love issue. I was telling God how much of a struggle it is, begging Him to help me somehow, to intervene in my life and show me He loves me....... and I said this, "I have a hard enough time believing my earthly father loves me, do you have any idea how hard it is for me to believe that You do, who I've never seen and you never even do what my earthly father does - provide help?" I know God is not a Santa Claus, but I've seen and heard so many stories of how He has helped people, often miraculously, yet it seems He ignores my problems and cries for help.
I've never felt I loved God, which we are commanded to do so.......how does one love God they cannot see and who seems absent when they so desperately need Him?
I worry that I'm a lost cause. That maybe its too late, maybe it has always been too late. Is it possible for someone to be so messed up that they can never truly get right with God?
I had a lot of time to think yesterday, and one thing I was thinking about was ways to kill myself that I'd have time to try to make peace with God, if that is possible. Other than AIDS or a fast killing cancer, I haven't come up with much, and AIDS doesn't always kill fast nowadays. And I have no plans of doing anything like that at this point, but if life stays like this, it may become an option some day.
I'm in my early 40's, and all I can see is failure and wreckage in my past. The future isn't looking any better. I don't want to live another 30 years struggling spiritually, dealing with the gay crap, being lonely, struggling to find a job that I can do and that will support me enough to live...... that is no way to live, but that is my life, and I see no hope of it changing any time soon, if ever.
I've really been feeling hopeless lately. Part of it is from my job not working out, but there is more to it than that. Life is just such a disappointment, and I am such a failure.
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