Tempting times

 

This week has been a rough week, temptation-wise. I have been tempted more than usual to give into porn, and was even tempted to seek out sex, which I haven't really been tempted to do for a while.

  In addition, I had a couple of things happen that hurt, and felt let down by some people, so I was really leaning toward giving into porn. Yesterday and today were really bad, and I had decided to do it next chance I got, which would most likely be tonight. I'd even planned on buying something I'll call a "prop" when I was out shopping at town today.

  When I logged onto Facebook this morning, a friend of mine from church started chatting with me. He is about 13-14 years younger than me, but seems to like me, and he knows about my struggles and is someone I have discussed them with a bit. I asked him a couple of weeks ago if he would ask me every once in awhile how I am doing, as it is so easy to slip back into stuff and no one knows. He said he'd be happy to, and before he logged off of chatting with me this morning, he asked how I was doing with my soul and eyes. I told him temptation had been strong, and he said some helpful things.

  I left later and was in Walmart, still struggling whether to give into porn today or not, when I got a text message from my pastor. He said he hoped I was keeping encouraged and that he was praying for me. I replied and thanked him and told him it had been a rough week with temptation. The texting with him, and the chatting with my friend from church combined to remind me I didn't want to give in, so I came home with a new resolve to not give in.

Born gay, born a sinner

 

There has been a lot of debate between the church and the pro-gay side on whether people are born gay or not. The church seems to be afraid if they agree that people can be born gay, they will have to concede that God isn't fair, and the pro-gay side seems to want to use it to their advantage that if we are born gay, then God wouldn't expect us to be anything but gay.

 I read some things lately that have made me wonder if it really matters. I personally don't believe I was born gay, though I do believe some, including myself, may have been born with a predisposition to being gay, and circumstances in life may swing a person one way or the other.

  But does it matter? As someone pointed out recently, we are all born sinners, thanks to Adam and Eve. So even if we can be born gay, we are all born sinners anyway, and just as no one else has the right to give into a sin they are tempted with just because they were born a sinner, a person who may have been born gay does not have a special right to give into the sin he is tempted with because he may have been born gay.

  I was reading the other day somewhere that maybe the church should quit fighting the "born gay" idea so much, for if there is a gay gene found some day, then the church will have egg all over their face, and look like idiots, and if that is one of our foundational arguments against homosexuality, then what will we do if that argument is destroyed by the discovery of a gay gene?

  And that isn't to say that one exists. I am saying our argument needs to be based on more than whether people are born gay or not. Even if they are, that doesn't make it right. That doesn't make it OK to give into it and ignore what God said in His Word.

  I have mentioned Nick Vujicic before on my blog. He is a hero to me and someone I admire. This young man was born with no arms or legs, just a foot. He has gone on to do some amazing things like surfing, swimming, marriage, and fatherhood. The sky seems the limit for him. He goes all over the world speaking and loves God.

  How he was born was not normal, and is sad, but he didn't accept it. He went on to live as if he had all of his limbs.

  It may seem a stretch to compare him to being born gay, but neither is normal. Neither should just be accepted and not fought. He inspires me to overcome what I have been dealt, and if I had to choose, I would choose same sex attraction over what he has been dealt. My prayer is that as God is using him because of what he has been dealt, He might use me because of what I have been dealt. So much less compared to Nick, but a hardship and trial nevertheless.

 We are all born sinners. God doesn't extend special rights to some who may have been born gay to embrace their sin and not overcome it. We are all to flee sin and live as God wants us too. Even we people who deal with same-sex attractions.

Encouraging times

I blog a lot about my discouraging times and my failures, so I should also blog about encouraging times. I know myself, and the smallest thing could swing me to discouragement, which is something I am working on.

  I met with my pastor last Thursday and had a good chat. I told him what is going on in my life, and had encouraging thing #1 happen. He said he could tell I was doing better spiritually. I don't say that to glorify myself, but God. Some days I feel I am making such little progress and wonder if I'll ever be an established, steady Christian...... so it was encouraging to know my pastor could see a difference.

 Encouraging things #2 and #3 happened today. I have been praying about having to work every Sunday. I want to be in Sunday morning worship and in Sunday School class, but it truly looked hopeless. I won't go into a long explanation why, but it has to do with my being one of the lowest guys on the totem pole. I also won't go into a long explanation of what happened, but a new position opened up and I was told if the first person offered it turned it down, I could have it. She did, so I got it, and in a about a month I will start the new position..... and I will have Sundays off. A definite answer to prayer, and something I will need to remind myself of when I am discouraged.

  The final and third encouraging thing also happened today: a guy from church that I am pretty good friends with, but never hang out with - he is a trucker, has 4 kids and is busy, and is about 14 years my junior - started chatting with me on Facebook. He knows about my struggles, and knew about them before he ever met me. He can't remember how. Anyway, in the course of our conversation due to something I was talking about, I said I was more on track with God now than I have been before, and just like my pastor said, he said he could tell by my posts that I was doing better.

  And I guess I could add one more encouraging thing while I am on the topic of encouraging things. It also happened today. Make that two more things......

  I was off work today and usually take a shopping trip to a town about 35 minutes away, mostly to browse the Christian bookstore and have some "me time". A friend of mine from church met me for lunch, and we had a nice visit over some good food, so that was encouraging, and brings up the other thing:

  While I was at the bookstore, I picked up a book I have looked at before, but never bought: "Fight: Winning the Battles That Matter Most" by Craig Groeschel. I had previously read his book "The Christian Atheist" and thought it was a great book. Since I had a coupon, I went ahead and bought the book. It isn't a long book, so I read it this evening.

 I won't make my blog post longer by going into details about the book, but it was a really good book, and for not being a long book, it had a lot of good stuff in it. Using the story of Samson, he gives some great advice and warnings for men. Yeah, it is for men. It is one I'd recommend.

 Life being what it is, and the devil being what he is, I know there will be low times ahead, but I am trying to trust God more and not just internalize my worries and fears. There are still things that I don't know how they will work out, and I am trying not to get down about them, but pray instead. For now, I am going to thank God for a really good day, and an answer to prayer.

Thankful in failure

I had another fall, and messed up bad. I went so far as to uninstall the accountability software on my pc so I could access porn.

  There are two guys who are on as accountability partners, and they both contacted me since they got a notice by email that I had uninstalled it.

  The thing is, it wasn't so much being tempted, as it was needing something to comfort me, if that makes sense. Porn has been my "go-to" when I am lonely, depressed.... fill in about any negative emotion. All week, I had been more depressed than normal, really feeling like a failure and worrying about the future. So even though it was a temptation in one way, it was more going to porn for comfort.

  Granted, it was still a fall, but God has been speaking to me all week, or at least nudging me, that I need to trust Him more. With my future, my fears, my insecurities. And I have a lot of them. No one, with the exception of God, knows how bad I am in those areas. Sometimes I'd just like to withdraw completely from people because I am so ashamed of how I have turned out, yet I despair of changing some things in my life. And I need to trust God even in those areas. That He can help me overcome what I see as total failure, no skills, and a bleak future.

  I hesitate to say I am thankful for these failures, for I am not happy I failed God again, so I titled my blog "thankful IN failure". Maybe it is just semantics, but I am thankful, regardless. I have so far to go, but yet God has brought me so far already. The old me would despair at this point and give up. I'd beat myself up, feel God had cast me aside and was viewing me as hopeless as I viewed myself.

 The once-saved, always saved doctrine is still not something I believe in, nor do I think I ever could. And I am not out to criticize those who do believe that way. However, I have come to better understand grace. Through these last few days when I was down, viewing porn, I still prayed, though that may seem weird. It was more a prayer for God to not give up on me - not that I believe He would - and that He would help me trust Him and break free from porn for good. I felt God was still with me. The old me would never have prayed during a period like this, and always felt God was completely gone from my life. I don't know, maybe I am an Arminian with a bit of Calvinist in me.

  I am not always good at putting thoughts into words, but these failures, or falls, have taught me something. Maybe more than if God had instantly delivered me from any desire for porn and from attractions to other men. It has taught me how quick He is to forgive. Yes, I may fall, but He doesn't walk away. And I don't have to say all the right words or beg Him to forgive me for that sin. He still loves me and His grace is enough. More than enough.

  If God had taken away all desire for porn and sex, I would not have experienced His grace and forgiveness in the way I have when I have fallen. So in one way, I am thankful I fell a few times, but just because it has helped me experience and understand a bit better His grace and forgiveness. And by saying that, I do not mean I am glad I sinned. I wish I had not. That may sound like a paradox, but I guess that is where what the Bible said comes in: be thankful in all things.

  I have reinstalled Covenant Eyes on my pc, and hopefully I will never uninstall it again. I have learned from this that it isn't all about focusing on stopping my addictions. It is also about trusting God more, about going to Him when I am feeling overwhelmed by my own insecurities and fears, and not going to porn for relief.

 There is still a tendency in me to expect overnight success. I am too impatient, and I need to be more patient with myself, and with God, and stop despairing because my circumstances don't seem to be changing.

  I do have a renewed determination to stick with God and not walk away and give up. Another thing to be thankful for with this last fall.