There are two guys who are on as accountability partners, and they both contacted me since they got a notice by email that I had uninstalled it.
The thing is, it wasn't so much being tempted, as it was needing something to comfort me, if that makes sense. Porn has been my "go-to" when I am lonely, depressed.... fill in about any negative emotion. All week, I had been more depressed than normal, really feeling like a failure and worrying about the future. So even though it was a temptation in one way, it was more going to porn for comfort.
Granted, it was still a fall, but God has been speaking to me all week, or at least nudging me, that I need to trust Him more. With my future, my fears, my insecurities. And I have a lot of them. No one, with the exception of God, knows how bad I am in those areas. Sometimes I'd just like to withdraw completely from people because I am so ashamed of how I have turned out, yet I despair of changing some things in my life. And I need to trust God even in those areas. That He can help me overcome what I see as total failure, no skills, and a bleak future.
I hesitate to say I am thankful for these failures, for I am not happy I failed God again, so I titled my blog "thankful IN failure". Maybe it is just semantics, but I am thankful, regardless. I have so far to go, but yet God has brought me so far already. The old me would despair at this point and give up. I'd beat myself up, feel God had cast me aside and was viewing me as hopeless as I viewed myself.
The once-saved, always saved doctrine is still not something I believe in, nor do I think I ever could. And I am not out to criticize those who do believe that way. However, I have come to better understand grace. Through these last few days when I was down, viewing porn, I still prayed, though that may seem weird. It was more a prayer for God to not give up on me - not that I believe He would - and that He would help me trust Him and break free from porn for good. I felt God was still with me. The old me would never have prayed during a period like this, and always felt God was completely gone from my life. I don't know, maybe I am an Arminian with a bit of Calvinist in me.
I am not always good at putting thoughts into words, but these failures, or falls, have taught me something. Maybe more than if God had instantly delivered me from any desire for porn and from attractions to other men. It has taught me how quick He is to forgive. Yes, I may fall, but He doesn't walk away. And I don't have to say all the right words or beg Him to forgive me for that sin. He still loves me and His grace is enough. More than enough.
If God had taken away all desire for porn and sex, I would not have experienced His grace and forgiveness in the way I have when I have fallen. So in one way, I am thankful I fell a few times, but just because it has helped me experience and understand a bit better His grace and forgiveness. And by saying that, I do not mean I am glad I sinned. I wish I had not. That may sound like a paradox, but I guess that is where what the Bible said comes in: be thankful in all things.
I have reinstalled Covenant Eyes on my pc, and hopefully I will never uninstall it again. I have learned from this that it isn't all about focusing on stopping my addictions. It is also about trusting God more, about going to Him when I am feeling overwhelmed by my own insecurities and fears, and not going to porn for relief.
There is still a tendency in me to expect overnight success. I am too impatient, and I need to be more patient with myself, and with God, and stop despairing because my circumstances don't seem to be changing.
I do have a renewed determination to stick with God and not walk away and give up. Another thing to be thankful for with this last fall.
1 comment:
Here's an idea, if either of your accountability partners are local. Have them come over and change the password on Covenant Eyes (assuming you need a password to uninstall it). Have them promise not to tell you what that password is, because you might just ask them to one day. I'm proud of your progress. Not of your fall, of course, but of how you're handling it. You ARE supposed to thank Him in all things. Another thing you need to thank Him for is your current living and job situation. It could seriously be much worse. But you don't have to just look at it as being better than some have it. Also thank Him for it being hard, making you think of yourself as a failure...thank Him for the trial that it is! The trials are where He teaches us, as you alluded to in this post. You're making progress, man. It's cool to watch.
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