Progress

  Things have been busier lately, with my new position at work. Thankfully, I now have Sundays off, which is an answer to prayer, and I am working 5 days a week, instead of 4. However, that means I have less free time to read and blog, and I have been blogging so much on my other blog that isn't anonymous, that I haven't done much on this one.

 I feel God has been helping me to make some progress. I did fall to porn again recently, but I am still going on 6 months without hooking up for sex, and the lusting hasn't been too much of an issue lately either. Summer may be worse, as I have trouble not looking at shirtless guys, but I am sure God can help me with that too.

  I posted this on a Facebook group I am in for people dealing with SSA last week, and thought I'd share it here instead of trying to re-write it for my blog:

I wanted to share this, but I'll probably go longer than I intend. I am far from being "cured" from SSA, though it has been since September since I hooked up for sex.

Even then, I wasn't wanting to hook up that much, and passed on several chances to hook up. Part of it may be because I was finally starting to understand God's love and grace like never before, but I have been thinking about something else that might also be helping: my co-workers.

Until just a few weeks ago, I was the oldest guy on daylight as a security guard, but felt accepted by my co-workers, a couple of them young enough to be my kids. A couple of them that treat me the best are very nice looking guys, 21 and 25, and although I have nothing in common with them, they tease me good naturedly, and would ask me to walk with them when I was doing the same job as them. The 21 year old usually gets to work at the same time as I do, and usually walks in with me to work, often waiting by my car til I get out.

They call me by nicknames, a few have added me as a friend on Facebook, they have bought me food and drinks.

There have been many times since I started working with them in June that I have felt accepted and liked by them, but a couple of things happened recently that made me think these guys, who I have nothing in common with, and who I wouldn't hang out with outside of work, may be helping to heal parts of me that have been damaged since childhood, and helping even with the SSA stuff.

On Tuesday, Matt, the one who walks in with me, dove onto the hood of my car while I had my head leaned back listening to a CD before I went into work... scared the crap out of me, but it was funny. I got out and good naturedly called him a moron. He laughed and said "Oh, I love you Mark". I know the context, but it still made me feel good.

I started my new position as the ER greeter at the hospital, but the security office is right by me, and the guys come out to talk to me a lot. Two of them were talking to me and a young girl, when I got up to help some people, and I heard my other young co-worker say "I love that guy. I knew he'd be good at that job." With the rest of what he said, I knew he was talking about me... made me feel really good.

They know I am a Christian, that I don't drink or curse, and never have they made fun of me, but have made me feel one of the guys, even now when I am doing a different job than them.
These guys are very nice looking, one was even in some porn videos. I saw one shirtless (he took it off in the break room to put a icy/hot patch on his back), and felt nothing. Since I feel so accepted by them, I am not attracted to them.

I have also had a couple of guys from church become closer friends lately, and I am sure that has helped.

I've kind of rambled, but I am thankful for these guys. I have a long way to go on this road to recovery, but I feel God has used these guys in a positive way in my life to help the healing process along. It has also reinforced the belief that I have needed male affirmation in my life for a long time. Yeah, they are younger than me and live totally different than anyone I would hang out with, not that they aren't nice guys, but their acceptance and affirmation has been good for me.

March stuff

 

Things are still going pretty good, other than my falls to porn in the last few weeks. I do have a new resolve not to give in again. I am encouraged about it being 6 months since I hooked up for sex, and believe if God can help me in that area, He can help me in the area of porn. Admittedly, I don't think I have given Him a chance. It has been more me trying to talk myself out of it, than asking God to help me say no to the temptations.

  I have been feeling convicted in another area: food. Summer of 2012, I had lost quite a bit of weight, either 25 or 30 pounds, and was feeling pretty good about myself. Then I quit my job and went several months without one, and started eating more, snacking when I was bored and depressed, and the weight came back on. Although eating doesn't have the same effect on my soul and relationship with God, it is an area I need to get control of, not just so I can lose weight, but so it isn't another appetite that rules me, instead of me ruling it. Ideally, I wear size 36" pants, but have been in 38"s. My work pants are 40"s and since I haven't been wearing dress pants very often, I didn't realize til tonight when I tried several pair on, how few I have that fit. Its like 3 pair. Yuk.

  I decided it was time to get drastic, so I went in to the cupboard in the basement where I have a bunch of snacks sitting on it, gathered them up, and threw them away. It was about as hard as throwing away porn, as dumb as that may sound. I kept thinking about the money I was wasting. And it wasn't a ton of stuff... most of it fit in a Walmart plastic bag, stuffed full. Now to stop buying more, and to cut out any extra stuff.

  I did something pretty hard last night. My church still has times of testimony, when people stand up and tell how God is helping them, etc. I felt I should do it yesterday morning when they asked if anyone had one, but I didn't. I kept feeling like I should have gotten up, so I told God if they asked in the evening service, I'd get up. After we sung the first song, the song leader asked if anyone had something on their heart, and a few people got up and gave a testimony. Again, I chickened out, but promised God if they asked again, I would get up.

  After more songs, prayer, the offering, and special song, my pastor got up to preach and asked if there were any more testimonies. I got up and started talking, and I think it was the longest one I ever gave. I told about my new position at work and how I got Sundays off, and full time daylight - something they said I'd never get. I told about how I have struggled to believe God loves me all of my life, and the steps I took to overcome that and how God helped me with it. When I sat down, there was dead silence.... but I got a lot of compliments, and my one friend said he had tears in his eyes, so I must have made sense. I'd rather speak in front of the church, than stand up and give a testimony. Its scarier for some reason, and I don't have notes.

  I start my new position at work tomorrow, and am pretty nervous about it. Surprisingly, I haven't been too tempted with porn, and I normally would be when stressing about something. I am thankful though.

 I am cautiously optimistic. I don't want to have too much confidence, for then I may fall, yet I don't want to live every day fearing I will fall.

  God has been helping me a lot. I have come a long way in believing He loves me, which is a big help in and of itself, and the realization I don't have to beat myself up if I do mess up.

  There is still a lot of room for improvement, but as long as I am moving forward and not backwards, I am not going to sweat it too much. I am coming to see God is far more patient with me than I have ever been with myself.

  A guy from my church who I admire came up to me after church and said he appreciated my testimony. I told him thanks, and that I always feel stupid after I sit down. He said he has the same problem, but not to worry, I did great. Then he told me that I am much harder on myself than I should be. It was interesting to hear that from someone I mostly just see at church and interact with some on Facebook.

 There is a song that has been on my mind a lot lately: He Didn't Throw The Clay Away:

Empty and Broken, I came Back to You
A Vessel Unworthy, so scarred from Sin.
But He did not Despair... He Started over again
And I Bless the Day, He didn't Throw the Clay Away.

Over and Over, He Molds Me and Makes Me,
Into His likeness, He fashions the clay.
A vessel of Honor, I Am today,
All because Jesus Didn't Throw The Clay Away.

He is the Potter... I am the Clay
Molded in God's Image, HE wants me to Stay.
when I Stumble...
and Fall... When My Vessel Breaks,
He just Picks up those Pieces,
He does not Throw the Clay Away...

Over and Over, He Molds Me and Makes Me,
Into His Likeness, He Fashions the Clay.
A Vessel of Honor, I Am Today,
All Because Jesus Didn't Throw The Clay Away.

Six months

 

I was praying last night before I went to bed and was feeling a bit down about my spiritual progress. I feel like I am in Kindergarten, while I should be in 5th or 6th grade. I feel like I am still learning to walk, while I should be running.

 I have made great progress in believing God loves me, and in starting to comprehend that His grace is really for me and truly does cover all my sins I ever did, but I don't feel I am in awe enough of God and what He has done for me. Even though I have just started to believe in God's love, I feel I should be making better progress and be more mature spiritually than I am.

I have fallen to porn several times since getting back to God in December, twice after installing Covenant Eyes... once un-installing it, the second - last week - just shoving the fact aside that my accountability partners on there would see where I had gone on line.

  I was telling all of this to God, how spiritually inept I feel, and wishing I was doing better, and something came to mind: I haven't been with another guy sexually since September. I don't know of the exact day in September, but this month marks 6 months that I have gone without hooking up with another guy. It has been a long time since I went that long without a hook up.

 In December, when I finally repented and decided to get serious about this, I got rid of all of my accounts on the gay hook up apps, and the hook up sites on line.... and I was a member of a lot of them. I don't mean to trivialize porn or my falls to it, but it is a sign of how much God has helped me, and that I have made progress in the fact that once I deleted all of those accounts and apps, I haven't reinstalled them or signed up for them again..... and in the past I would have gone back to them in a month or less - and that I have gone 6 months without any hook ups.

And granted, part of the reason I didn't hook up in a couple of those months, was lack of opportunity. There were times I was chatting with guys who wanted to hook up, but there were time constraints, or it was a time it would have been difficult for me to sneak out of the house since I am staying with my parents right now... but there were also times in those months leading up to my repentance, that I did have opportunity, I had guys ready and wanting to hook up, and I backed out, or didn't take them up on it.

Looking back, I can see I was dissatisfied with what I was doing, and God was working on me.

The porn is hard to kick, but I am a bit more encouraged realizing the progress I have made with my other addictions: sex and chatting. I was on the gay apps constantly, chatting, and trying to hook up.... so I am thankful God has helped me break free of that. As I said, I am not trying to trivialize my falls to porn, or my addiction to it, but I am thankful my falls have been to it, and not to sex. And I am encouraged if I keep seeking after God, I can look back in another 6 months and be free from porn, and be free from the hooking up for a year.

I am still tempted sometimes to try to hook up, and I still struggle with lust, and find myself taking second or more looks, but thank God I have made the progress I have made, and I am hoping and praying I can break free completely from my addictions and sinful behaviors.