I have made great progress in believing God loves me, and in starting to comprehend that His grace is really for me and truly does cover all my sins I ever did, but I don't feel I am in awe enough of God and what He has done for me. Even though I have just started to believe in God's love, I feel I should be making better progress and be more mature spiritually than I am.
I have fallen to porn several times since getting back to God in December, twice after installing Covenant Eyes... once un-installing it, the second - last week - just shoving the fact aside that my accountability partners on there would see where I had gone on line.
I was telling all of this to God, how spiritually inept I feel, and wishing I was doing better, and something came to mind: I haven't been with another guy sexually since September. I don't know of the exact day in September, but this month marks 6 months that I have gone without hooking up with another guy. It has been a long time since I went that long without a hook up.
In December, when I finally repented and decided to get serious about this, I got rid of all of my accounts on the gay hook up apps, and the hook up sites on line.... and I was a member of a lot of them. I don't mean to trivialize porn or my falls to it, but it is a sign of how much God has helped me, and that I have made progress in the fact that once I deleted all of those accounts and apps, I haven't reinstalled them or signed up for them again..... and in the past I would have gone back to them in a month or less - and that I have gone 6 months without any hook ups.
And granted, part of the reason I didn't hook up in a couple of those months, was lack of opportunity. There were times I was chatting with guys who wanted to hook up, but there were time constraints, or it was a time it would have been difficult for me to sneak out of the house since I am staying with my parents right now... but there were also times in those months leading up to my repentance, that I did have opportunity, I had guys ready and wanting to hook up, and I backed out, or didn't take them up on it.
Looking back, I can see I was dissatisfied with what I was doing, and God was working on me.
The porn is hard to kick, but I am a bit more encouraged realizing the progress I have made with my other addictions: sex and chatting. I was on the gay apps constantly, chatting, and trying to hook up.... so I am thankful God has helped me break free of that. As I said, I am not trying to trivialize my falls to porn, or my addiction to it, but I am thankful my falls have been to it, and not to sex. And I am encouraged if I keep seeking after God, I can look back in another 6 months and be free from porn, and be free from the hooking up for a year.
I am still tempted sometimes to try to hook up, and I still struggle with lust, and find myself taking second or more looks, but thank God I have made the progress I have made, and I am hoping and praying I can break free completely from my addictions and sinful behaviors.
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