I have been feeling convicted in another area: food. Summer of 2012, I had lost quite a bit of weight, either 25 or 30 pounds, and was feeling pretty good about myself. Then I quit my job and went several months without one, and started eating more, snacking when I was bored and depressed, and the weight came back on. Although eating doesn't have the same effect on my soul and relationship with God, it is an area I need to get control of, not just so I can lose weight, but so it isn't another appetite that rules me, instead of me ruling it. Ideally, I wear size 36" pants, but have been in 38"s. My work pants are 40"s and since I haven't been wearing dress pants very often, I didn't realize til tonight when I tried several pair on, how few I have that fit. Its like 3 pair. Yuk.
I decided it was time to get drastic, so I went in to the cupboard in the basement where I have a bunch of snacks sitting on it, gathered them up, and threw them away. It was about as hard as throwing away porn, as dumb as that may sound. I kept thinking about the money I was wasting. And it wasn't a ton of stuff... most of it fit in a Walmart plastic bag, stuffed full. Now to stop buying more, and to cut out any extra stuff.
I did something pretty hard last night. My church still has times of testimony, when people stand up and tell how God is helping them, etc. I felt I should do it yesterday morning when they asked if anyone had one, but I didn't. I kept feeling like I should have gotten up, so I told God if they asked in the evening service, I'd get up. After we sung the first song, the song leader asked if anyone had something on their heart, and a few people got up and gave a testimony. Again, I chickened out, but promised God if they asked again, I would get up.
After more songs, prayer, the offering, and special song, my pastor got up to preach and asked if there were any more testimonies. I got up and started talking, and I think it was the longest one I ever gave. I told about my new position at work and how I got Sundays off, and full time daylight - something they said I'd never get. I told about how I have struggled to believe God loves me all of my life, and the steps I took to overcome that and how God helped me with it. When I sat down, there was dead silence.... but I got a lot of compliments, and my one friend said he had tears in his eyes, so I must have made sense. I'd rather speak in front of the church, than stand up and give a testimony. Its scarier for some reason, and I don't have notes.
I start my new position at work tomorrow, and am pretty nervous about it. Surprisingly, I haven't been too tempted with porn, and I normally would be when stressing about something. I am thankful though.
I am cautiously optimistic. I don't want to have too much confidence, for then I may fall, yet I don't want to live every day fearing I will fall.
God has been helping me a lot. I have come a long way in believing He loves me, which is a big help in and of itself, and the realization I don't have to beat myself up if I do mess up.
There is still a lot of room for improvement, but as long as I am moving forward and not backwards, I am not going to sweat it too much. I am coming to see God is far more patient with me than I have ever been with myself.
A guy from my church who I admire came up to me after church and said he appreciated my testimony. I told him thanks, and that I always feel stupid after I sit down. He said he has the same problem, but not to worry, I did great. Then he told me that I am much harder on myself than I should be. It was interesting to hear that from someone I mostly just see at church and interact with some on Facebook.
There is a song that has been on my mind a lot lately: He Didn't Throw The Clay Away:
Empty and Broken, I came Back to You
A Vessel Unworthy, so scarred from Sin.
But He did not Despair... He Started over again
And I Bless the Day, He didn't Throw the Clay Away.
Over and Over, He Molds Me and Makes Me,
Into His likeness, He fashions the clay.
A vessel of Honor, I Am today,
All because Jesus Didn't Throw The Clay Away.
He is the Potter... I am the Clay
Molded in God's Image, HE wants me to Stay.
when I Stumble...
and Fall... When My Vessel Breaks,
He just Picks up those Pieces,
He does not Throw the Clay Away...
Over and Over, He Molds Me and Makes Me,
Into His Likeness, He Fashions the Clay.
A Vessel of Honor, I Am Today,
All Because Jesus Didn't Throw The Clay Away.
No comments:
Post a Comment