I feel God has been helping me to make some progress. I did fall to porn again recently, but I am still going on 6 months without hooking up for sex, and the lusting hasn't been too much of an issue lately either. Summer may be worse, as I have trouble not looking at shirtless guys, but I am sure God can help me with that too.
I posted this on a Facebook group I am in for people dealing with SSA last week, and thought I'd share it here instead of trying to re-write it for my blog:
I
wanted to share this, but I'll probably go longer than I intend. I am
far from being "cured" from SSA, though it has been since September
since I hooked up for sex.
Even then, I wasn't wanting to hook up that much, and passed on several chances to hook up. Part of it may be because I was finally starting to understand God's love and grace like never before, but I have been thinking about something else that might also be helping: my co-workers.
Until just a few weeks ago, I was the oldest guy on daylight as a security guard, but felt accepted by my co-workers, a couple of them young enough to be my kids. A couple of them that treat me the best are very nice looking guys, 21 and 25, and although I have nothing in common with them, they tease me good naturedly, and would ask me to walk with them when I was doing the same job as them. The 21 year old usually gets to work at the same time as I do, and usually walks in with me to work, often waiting by my car til I get out.
They call me by nicknames, a few have added me as a friend on Facebook, they have bought me food and drinks.
There have been many times since I started working with them in June that I have felt accepted and liked by them, but a couple of things happened recently that made me think these guys, who I have nothing in common with, and who I wouldn't hang out with outside of work, may be helping to heal parts of me that have been damaged since childhood, and helping even with the SSA stuff.
On Tuesday, Matt, the one who walks in with me, dove onto the hood of my car while I had my head leaned back listening to a CD before I went into work... scared the crap out of me, but it was funny. I got out and good naturedly called him a moron. He laughed and said "Oh, I love you Mark". I know the context, but it still made me feel good.
I started my new position as the ER greeter at the hospital, but the security office is right by me, and the guys come out to talk to me a lot. Two of them were talking to me and a young girl, when I got up to help some people, and I heard my other young co-worker say "I love that guy. I knew he'd be good at that job." With the rest of what he said, I knew he was talking about me... made me feel really good.
They know I am a Christian, that I don't drink or curse, and never have they made fun of me, but have made me feel one of the guys, even now when I am doing a different job than them.
These guys are very nice looking, one was even in some porn videos. I saw one shirtless (he took it off in the break room to put a icy/hot patch on his back), and felt nothing. Since I feel so accepted by them, I am not attracted to them.
I have also had a couple of guys from church become closer friends lately, and I am sure that has helped.
I've kind of rambled, but I am thankful for these guys. I have a long way to go on this road to recovery, but I feel God has used these guys in a positive way in my life to help the healing process along. It has also reinforced the belief that I have needed male affirmation in my life for a long time. Yeah, they are younger than me and live totally different than anyone I would hang out with, not that they aren't nice guys, but their acceptance and affirmation has been good for me.
Even then, I wasn't wanting to hook up that much, and passed on several chances to hook up. Part of it may be because I was finally starting to understand God's love and grace like never before, but I have been thinking about something else that might also be helping: my co-workers.
Until just a few weeks ago, I was the oldest guy on daylight as a security guard, but felt accepted by my co-workers, a couple of them young enough to be my kids. A couple of them that treat me the best are very nice looking guys, 21 and 25, and although I have nothing in common with them, they tease me good naturedly, and would ask me to walk with them when I was doing the same job as them. The 21 year old usually gets to work at the same time as I do, and usually walks in with me to work, often waiting by my car til I get out.
They call me by nicknames, a few have added me as a friend on Facebook, they have bought me food and drinks.
There have been many times since I started working with them in June that I have felt accepted and liked by them, but a couple of things happened recently that made me think these guys, who I have nothing in common with, and who I wouldn't hang out with outside of work, may be helping to heal parts of me that have been damaged since childhood, and helping even with the SSA stuff.
On Tuesday, Matt, the one who walks in with me, dove onto the hood of my car while I had my head leaned back listening to a CD before I went into work... scared the crap out of me, but it was funny. I got out and good naturedly called him a moron. He laughed and said "Oh, I love you Mark". I know the context, but it still made me feel good.
I started my new position as the ER greeter at the hospital, but the security office is right by me, and the guys come out to talk to me a lot. Two of them were talking to me and a young girl, when I got up to help some people, and I heard my other young co-worker say "I love that guy. I knew he'd be good at that job." With the rest of what he said, I knew he was talking about me... made me feel really good.
They know I am a Christian, that I don't drink or curse, and never have they made fun of me, but have made me feel one of the guys, even now when I am doing a different job than them.
These guys are very nice looking, one was even in some porn videos. I saw one shirtless (he took it off in the break room to put a icy/hot patch on his back), and felt nothing. Since I feel so accepted by them, I am not attracted to them.
I have also had a couple of guys from church become closer friends lately, and I am sure that has helped.
I've kind of rambled, but I am thankful for these guys. I have a long way to go on this road to recovery, but I feel God has used these guys in a positive way in my life to help the healing process along. It has also reinforced the belief that I have needed male affirmation in my life for a long time. Yeah, they are younger than me and live totally different than anyone I would hang out with, not that they aren't nice guys, but their acceptance and affirmation has been good for me.
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