Speed bumps

 

Things have been going pretty well, with the exception of a fall to porn now and then. I do have the Covenant Eyes accountability software, but both guys I have on have experience in SSA also, and I know they won't be surprised or shocked at sites I visit, so that hasn't been a strong deterrent, though it still helps, as they find out when I do fall in that area.

  I am still liking my job most days, but get frustrated some days with the nurses attitudes, especially when we are busy, and feel overwhelmed on some days. Not so sure I want to do this long term, and am praying about it already...... I still have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, and since this job is outsourced, the hospital could kick us to the curb in a year or two anyway....

   Before warm weather got here, I'd have to say my biggest trigger for temptations and a fall was worry. Now that shirtless guys are appearing, that is going to rival worry, but it is still a big factor. I have been staying with my parents for far too long, but am really worried almost to the point of being scared, about living on my own again. I am afraid I won't be able to swing it financially..... I am making a wage above minimum wage, but not much above, and even if it covers rent, bills, food, and gas... what about when my car dies, when I need tires, or my car needs worked on..... I start thinking about that stuff, worrying, and I become ripe for temptations, yet it is something I need to think
about.

  I don't know if it is just that stuff, but I have been feeling really discouraged and down since last night. I had a great week-end. Went to a Passion Play, had a great Easter, then Sunday evening came and with it, discouragement and depression. Tomorrow is my Monday, and I am dreading it. I wish I could take a few days off, but I can't..... I can't even get one extra day off unless someone covers it without getting overtime, something that is near impossible.

  I have even found myself thinking it would be better if I didn't have to live...... and though it may sound like it, that doesn't mean I am having thoughts of suicide. I am not. But it is thinking that hasn't been present for a few months now.

  I also have a fear that I am going to pay out money on registration for the Hope for Wholeness Conference, and then be told I can't have the time off. I did ask for it a few weeks ago in advance, but have to ask again closer to the conference. I know I need to have faith, but I still worry.

  In other news, I most likely outted myself to anyone who reads my other blog. I have a blog that I don't hide my identity on, and which I also share on Facebook and Twitter. I have said enough on it over the last few years that a few people suspected and were not surprised when I told them, but they also said what I had said was general enough that most people may not come to the same conclusion.

  However, in recent months, I have become increasingly bolder and open in what I have said, that I am sure more people figured it out. Then last week, I most likely removed all doubt and blew the door off of my closet. I did a blog post about what it is like to attend church and have to hide your struggles. I never said what I struggle with, but said enough that only a very dense person wouldn't get it...... and I even discussed homosexuality, porn, and depression in the same post..... so I am sure my secret is out.

   And I am OK with that. I am to the point I don't care. Yes, I am still a bit worried about family and co-workers, but still...... this is me, and people are going to like the real me, or they won't.

  I would like to get to the place where I could more openly discuss my struggle on that blog, but I will never be as open on here. I don't want everyone to know how promiscuous I have been. I don't want my family to read how I feel they have hindered in my healing, etc. - so if I ever do start openly discussing my SSA on that blog, this one will continue to exist, and I would most likely still post here some.

  This blog doesn't get a ton of traffic, but it still gives me a place to be more open and honest than I could be if everyone knew who I was. And I need that.

Hope for Wholeness 2014 video

Reply to mosichat

   I hate it when someone comments on a blog post and there is no way to reply to them. Such is the case with "mosichat". He didn't like my blog post Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and the Struggle. He commented, and I'd like to reply, but there is no way to, so I am going to give a short reply on here. Since I don't know that he will see it, I will keep it short. First, his comment, then my reply:
Comment from a physician:
From a medical perspective, this is the classic example of "ego-dystonic" homosexuality or gay people who struggle with their homosexuality. Thus far, it is thought that "gay" or "straight" behavior develops @ about 10 - 12 weeks when baby is in the womb. Geneticist believe that epi-genetics plays a key role in this issue, thus no "Gay" gene. In any case, gay people had no "choice" in deciding sexual proclivities. That's why repeated attempts at "reversing" homosexual attraction have proven unsuccessful over time.
I have many patients who are teachers, physicians, attorneys, judges, factory workers, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters who are "gay." Fortunately only one or two have had serious "ego-dystonic" issues regarding their sexuality. But I'm really surprised how hateful and "proud" that "Christians" are to condemn one another. Hate mongers as Santorum, Rev. Phelps, Falwell, Lahaye, etc have contributed directly to self deprecation and suicide of our youth. Shame on you! Where is your sense of "love?" Doesn't it say somewhere - "...and the GREATEST of these is LOVE."

Mr. "Mosichat": did you miss the part where I struggle with same-sex attractions? That I have gone so far down the road of gay sex and all that comes with it, that I feared I could never come back?

So how is it hateful for me, someone who is trying to overcome my sin of homosexuality, to talk about being disappointed in a Christian singer who tossed his wedding vows out the window, left his wife, and went off to live the gay lifestyle because God didn't take the temptations and desires away?

Did you get that? I struggle with homosexuality!!!!  I am not some judgmental person who has no clue what it is like. I know more what it is like than you do. So shame on you for attacking me.

And it doesn't matter if we are born this way or not. We are all born sinners with a bent to sin. God isn't OK with us pursuing any other sin instead of obeying His Word, why would He be OK with us pursuing homosexuality?

  I have plenty more to say, but since you may never see this, I'll leave it at that. But I am beyond shocked you could accuse me of being hateful for wanting others to be free from this sin that had about destroyed me. Homosexuality is not good. And you sir, are doing more harm by encouraging people to pursue it, than the people you accuse of doing harm by fighting it.

Things so far

   Things have been going pretty well lately. I still feel so far from where I should be in my relationship with Jesus, but am trying to keep in mind it doesn't happen overnight.

  The credit and glory is all God's, but I am amazed when I look back at where I was a year ago, and where I am now. Is life perfect? No. I still have things I don't know what to do about and worry about - i.e. my living situation, but I am trying to take one day at a time.

  I am past the 6 month mark of having no hook ups, and thank God I haven't even been tempted to try to hook up since December when I got back to God. I haven't even felt a pull toward the hook up sites and apps that I had been using for so long, which is a miracle.

  There have been some times I have caved and fallen to porn, but after a few days, I ditch it and try again. I am hoping and praying for the day that it doesn't have the pull that it still has, and I don't want to be too easy on myself, but I am thankful it is just porn I have fallen to, and not sex. I need victory over both though.

  I do find myself looking at nice looking guys at work, but it is never a "wish I could do..." kind of thing, or undressing them. I am not sure it is actually lust, though I do take second looks sometimes, so maybe it is. But I am still making progress. God is helping me a lot.

  It may sound dumb, but it almost worries me how little of a struggle it is right now with my same-sex attractions. I do fear summer will be worse. I already saw my first shirtless guys last week on a warmer day, and it was hard not to look away, but these have been the best months in that area for a long time. I know people are praying for me, and God has been helping me. I have also gotten in contact and interact with others who are struggling with this issue also.

  I don't think I posted on here that I am planning on going to the Hope for Wholeness Conference this year. It is something rising up to fill the vacancy left by Exodus International shutting down, and though they are still pretty small, it is something already helpful to me. I had been feeling I should go, but wasn't sure about driving my car that far, so I had been praying about it and told God my possible hurdles - also getting off work.

  I think it was  the very next day, a guy I have a mutual friend in common with and who had added me as a friend on Facebook, messaged me and asked if I was going. I told him I was thinking about it if it worked out. I said nothing about the car issue. He replied back the next day and said he was going, and I could ride with him if I wanted. He lives about 1 1/2 hours from me, so I can just travel that far in my car, and ride the other 7 hours with him. Seems like an answer to prayer for me.

 Barring any major financial need or disaster, the money shouldn't be a problem, and I already asked off for the days I need and told the guy I am reserving a motel and won't be able to get the money back. I don't know what I'll do if it comes up to the time and I am told I can't have it..... guess I should just keep praying about it and not assume it will all go well.

  I have been feeling God wants to use my struggles to help others. I have no idea how, and am not even trying to come up with anything right now. I realize until I cam completely "out of the closet" that may not be possible, but I am open to whatever God wants. I do have another blog where I am public about who I am and people read it who know me, and I have said enough on there that a person would have to be awfully slow to not figure it out.

  In fact, a few weeks ago, a Facebook friend asked to meet with me for lunch. He wanted to pick my brain as they decide how to address the gay issue, especially since they have a gay couple coming to their services. He prefaced it with referring to me having a lot of knowledge about the issue, and I figured he was assuming I struggle with it, so one of the first things I said to him when we met, was "I assume you figure this is an issue that I struggle with myself, and you're correct." And he had assumed that, but wasn't sure how to bring it up.

  And he can't be the only one who assumes that about me. And I don't care. I don't know if I am just tired of pretending, of hiding in the shadows, tired of pretending I don't want to get married instead of admitting there is a good reason I haven't...... or if it is God working in me preparing me for the day He can use me by my coming out of the shadows and saying what my struggle is.

  I think it would be great to have a ministry where guys meet weekly who are struggling, but I am not a leader type and not sure I could do that, yet God has helped others lead who didn't think they could. I don't know..... God is going to have to about hit me over the head with it before I'd try something like that.

  I am just hoping and praying that this is it. That I never go back to how I have been living. I know it won't always be easy, but I want to really commit for the long haul.

  One big help this time, is I truly believe God loves me, and though no one can truly understand grace, I understand it better than I used to, and realize God has truly forgiven my sins and is not just waiting for me to mess up so He can toss me out. That alone has done me worlds of good.