The credit and glory is all God's, but I am amazed when I look back at where I was a year ago, and where I am now. Is life perfect? No. I still have things I don't know what to do about and worry about - i.e. my living situation, but I am trying to take one day at a time.
I am past the 6 month mark of having no hook ups, and thank God I haven't even been tempted to try to hook up since December when I got back to God. I haven't even felt a pull toward the hook up sites and apps that I had been using for so long, which is a miracle.
There have been some times I have caved and fallen to porn, but after a few days, I ditch it and try again. I am hoping and praying for the day that it doesn't have the pull that it still has, and I don't want to be too easy on myself, but I am thankful it is just porn I have fallen to, and not sex. I need victory over both though.
I do find myself looking at nice looking guys at work, but it is never a "wish I could do..." kind of thing, or undressing them. I am not sure it is actually lust, though I do take second looks sometimes, so maybe it is. But I am still making progress. God is helping me a lot.
It may sound dumb, but it almost worries me how little of a struggle it is right now with my same-sex attractions. I do fear summer will be worse. I already saw my first shirtless guys last week on a warmer day, and it was hard not to look away, but these have been the best months in that area for a long time. I know people are praying for me, and God has been helping me. I have also gotten in contact and interact with others who are struggling with this issue also.
I don't think I posted on here that I am planning on going to the Hope for Wholeness Conference this year. It is something rising up to fill the vacancy left by Exodus International shutting down, and though they are still pretty small, it is something already helpful to me. I had been feeling I should go, but wasn't sure about driving my car that far, so I had been praying about it and told God my possible hurdles - also getting off work.
I think it was the very next day, a guy I have a mutual friend in common with and who had added me as a friend on Facebook, messaged me and asked if I was going. I told him I was thinking about it if it worked out. I said nothing about the car issue. He replied back the next day and said he was going, and I could ride with him if I wanted. He lives about 1 1/2 hours from me, so I can just travel that far in my car, and ride the other 7 hours with him. Seems like an answer to prayer for me.
Barring any major financial need or disaster, the money shouldn't be a problem, and I already asked off for the days I need and told the guy I am reserving a motel and won't be able to get the money back. I don't know what I'll do if it comes up to the time and I am told I can't have it..... guess I should just keep praying about it and not assume it will all go well.
I have been feeling God wants to use my struggles to help others. I have no idea how, and am not even trying to come up with anything right now. I realize until I cam completely "out of the closet" that may not be possible, but I am open to whatever God wants. I do have another blog where I am public about who I am and people read it who know me, and I have said enough on there that a person would have to be awfully slow to not figure it out.
In fact, a few weeks ago, a Facebook friend asked to meet with me for lunch. He wanted to pick my brain as they decide how to address the gay issue, especially since they have a gay couple coming to their services. He prefaced it with referring to me having a lot of knowledge about the issue, and I figured he was assuming I struggle with it, so one of the first things I said to him when we met, was "I assume you figure this is an issue that I struggle with myself, and you're correct." And he had assumed that, but wasn't sure how to bring it up.
And he can't be the only one who assumes that about me. And I don't care. I don't know if I am just tired of pretending, of hiding in the shadows, tired of pretending I don't want to get married instead of admitting there is a good reason I haven't...... or if it is God working in me preparing me for the day He can use me by my coming out of the shadows and saying what my struggle is.
I think it would be great to have a ministry where guys meet weekly who are struggling, but I am not a leader type and not sure I could do that, yet God has helped others lead who didn't think they could. I don't know..... God is going to have to about hit me over the head with it before I'd try something like that.
I am just hoping and praying that this is it. That I never go back to how I have been living. I know it won't always be easy, but I want to really commit for the long haul.
One big help this time, is I truly believe God loves me, and though no one can truly understand grace, I understand it better than I used to, and realize God has truly forgiven my sins and is not just waiting for me to mess up so He can toss me out. That alone has done me worlds of good.
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