I am still liking my job most days, but get frustrated some days with the nurses attitudes, especially when we are busy, and feel overwhelmed on some days. Not so sure I want to do this long term, and am praying about it already...... I still have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, and since this job is outsourced, the hospital could kick us to the curb in a year or two anyway....
Before warm weather got here, I'd have to say my biggest trigger for temptations and a fall was worry. Now that shirtless guys are appearing, that is going to rival worry, but it is still a big factor. I have been staying with my parents for far too long, but am really worried almost to the point of being scared, about living on my own again. I am afraid I won't be able to swing it financially..... I am making a wage above minimum wage, but not much above, and even if it covers rent, bills, food, and gas... what about when my car dies, when I need tires, or my car needs worked on..... I start thinking about that stuff, worrying, and I become ripe for temptations, yet it is something I need to think
about.
I don't know if it is just that stuff, but I have been feeling really discouraged and down since last night. I had a great week-end. Went to a Passion Play, had a great Easter, then Sunday evening came and with it, discouragement and depression. Tomorrow is my Monday, and I am dreading it. I wish I could take a few days off, but I can't..... I can't even get one extra day off unless someone covers it without getting overtime, something that is near impossible.
I have even found myself thinking it would be better if I didn't have to live...... and though it may sound like it, that doesn't mean I am having thoughts of suicide. I am not. But it is thinking that hasn't been present for a few months now.
I also have a fear that I am going to pay out money on registration for the Hope for Wholeness Conference, and then be told I can't have the time off. I did ask for it a few weeks ago in advance, but have to ask again closer to the conference. I know I need to have faith, but I still worry.
In other news, I most likely outted myself to anyone who reads my other blog. I have a blog that I don't hide my identity on, and which I also share on Facebook and Twitter. I have said enough on it over the last few years that a few people suspected and were not surprised when I told them, but they also said what I had said was general enough that most people may not come to the same conclusion.
However, in recent months, I have become increasingly bolder and open in what I have said, that I am sure more people figured it out. Then last week, I most likely removed all doubt and blew the door off of my closet. I did a blog post about what it is like to attend church and have to hide your struggles. I never said what I struggle with, but said enough that only a very dense person wouldn't get it...... and I even discussed homosexuality, porn, and depression in the same post..... so I am sure my secret is out.
And I am OK with that. I am to the point I don't care. Yes, I am still a bit worried about family and co-workers, but still...... this is me, and people are going to like the real me, or they won't.
I would like to get to the place where I could more openly discuss my struggle on that blog, but I will never be as open on here. I don't want everyone to know how promiscuous I have been. I don't want my family to read how I feel they have hindered in my healing, etc. - so if I ever do start openly discussing my SSA on that blog, this one will continue to exist, and I would most likely still post here some.
This blog doesn't get a ton of traffic, but it still gives me a place to be more open and honest than I could be if everyone knew who I was. And I need that.
No comments:
Post a Comment