September update

  I was looking over past blog posts and noticed a trend. There are many blog posts that are negative and were written when I was struggling badly with sexual issues and believing God's love. Now that things are going well, I am not as apt to post on here. There is also the added factor that I "outted" myself on the blog where I am not anonymous, though I will never be as open there as I am here.

  But I don't want this blog to just have posts of when I was discouraged and struggling.... thus this blog post.

  Things have been going pretty well lately. Depression was holding me back a lot for a while, but things are better in that area, thankfully. The temptations to hook up are still rare and not much of a temptation. Porn and lust are still a temptation, but they don't have the strong hold on me that they used to have.

 Just yesterday I saw a shirtless young guy mowing, and another walking down the street..... and I looked, but did I lust? I was tempted to circle back and get another look, but did not.

  My relationship with God is getting back on track after a few months of feeling disconnected - the depression. I have always been one to go by feelings and emotions too much, and depression messes that up a lot.

 I still can't see marriage ever happening for me, and that is OK. I have gotten used to being single, and I like solitude. Sure, I get lonely some, but marriage is no assurance that a person will never be lonely.

 There are some other positive things going on in my life right now, and God willing a new chapter will be starting in my life that I believe will be good for me and help me in a lot of ways. More on that later..

 I still believe my big breakthrough came as a result of finally believing God loves me, an assurance that is still with me. I am very thankful for how far God has brought me, and have hope for the future that I didn't have for so long.

 I have been neglecting this blog, but will try to do better in the coming days. God bless

My book shelf, part 1

  There have been several great books written in recent years on the issue of homosexuality from a Christian and conservative viewpoint. I am sure I haven't read all of them, but here are some I have read lately that I thought were good and worth mentioning:

1) Satisfaction Guranteed by Jonathan Berry and Rob Wood

Book description:


Convinced that real satisfaction can be found only in a relationship with Jesus Christ, the author aims to encourage, inspire and equip all who struggle with same-sex temptations to resist, but 'make him their greatest treasure and live life to the full'. He invites us to dig deep and discover great truths about our awesome God and his plans and purposes for our lives, for only then can we live bravely, boldly and counter-culturally. He writes candidly, humbly and sensitively, with fellow strugglers in mind, but also their friends, families and the church leaders who support them, interweaving deeply personal stories from real life. God is good. He can be trusted even in the most painful situation. The surprising paradox is that it is the narrow road that leads to the abundant life promised by Jesus.

Check out their website at Satisfaction In Christ



2) Dwelling In the Land by Jeanette Howard

This one is by a woman, and I didn't find it as helpful as others I have read.... don't know if that is why, but it is worth mentioning.

Book description:

An important new volume by the author of Out of EgyptSome Christians who think of themselves as "gay" have sought healing and sexual reorientation. Some have chosen a freer interpretation of the biblical texts. Others don't know where they belong or what they should believe. Still others remain gay-identified yet choose celibacy. All have found that their sexual orientation strongly influences, even defines, who they perceive themselves to be.

Jeanette believes that to identify herself as "gay" does not do justice to what God has been doing in her life. Christians belong to Christ. "I have been born from on high and have a completely new DNA, God's DNA, residing in me and flowing through me," says Jeanette. "I am no longer a sinner but a saint. I am a daughter of the King."

With intelligence, compassion and fellow-feeling Jeanette explains what it means, as a Christian who has wrestled for the whole of her adult life with same--sex attraction, to live honestly and consistently as a Bible--believing Christian.

3) Struggle Central by Thomas Mark Zuniga

This book is written from one of the guys at the Your Other Brothers website - a site I highly recommend. He also has his own website at ThomasMarkZuniga.com

Book description:

Struggle Central is a collection of “messy memoirs” from the quarter-life of blogger, Thomas Mark Zuniga. After an ideal upbringing in eastern Pennsylvania, he learned what it meant to struggle in northeast Georgia. Growing up in a perpetual Christian bubble, he confesses the ridicule he received at Christian schools and the isolation he experienced in churches across America. From fear to shame to closeted issues of sexuality, this book charts the struggles of a young introverted Christian trying to find his way in the world – and ultimately, the Church. It wasn't until a second cross-country relocation to southern California that he started finding what he’d long thought impossible.


4) Critical Conversations by Tom Gilson

This book isn't as much for people dealing with same-sex attractions as it is for parents to talk to their kids about it.... though I still found it helpful.

Book description: 

Christian parents need to be prepared to answer the myriad challenges teens might hear in today's increasingly pro homosexual culture. "Why shouldn't gays get married?" “Who says gay sex is wrong?" "Does the Bible actually say there's anything wrong with homosexuality?" "Don't you care that kids are being bullied just for being themselves?"

To start the discussion, Gilson provides a brief history of the issues beginning with the sexual revolution of the 1960s. He explains how and why cultural attitudes have reversed on this subject in such a short time-span, leaving Christians scrambling for answers.

This is perhaps the most complicated and contentious issue Christians face in today's culture. Most churches are poorly equipped to handle it; parents are even less prepared. The good news is that parents need not have pat answers ready before they dive into conversations with their teens and preteens on this difficult topic. Learning together—parents struggling through these issues alongside their kids and leading them to biblical answers— has relational benefits.

Answers are important, though, so manageable, nontechnical answers to common questions surrounding this issue are provided, as well as a guide to further resources.

5) Messy Grace by Caleb Kalttenbach

Book description:

Sometimes, grace gets messy.

Caleb Kaltenbach was raised by LGBT parents, marched in gay pride parades as a youngster, and experienced firsthand the hatred and bitterness of some Christians toward his family.

But then Caleb surprised everyone, including himself, by becoming a Christian…and a pastor.

Very few issues in Christianity are as divisive as the acceptance of the LGBT community in the church. As a pastor and as a person with beloved family members living a gay lifestyle, Caleb had to face this issue with courage and grace. 


Messy Grace shows us that Jesus’s command to “love your neighbor as yourself” doesn’t have an exception clause for a gay “neighbor”—or for that matter, any other “neighbor” we might find it hard to relate to. Jesus was able to love these people and yet still hold on to his beliefs. So can you. Even when it’s messy.

6) The Transparent Life by McKrae Game

This book was written by the head of the Hope For Wholeness Ministry...... and there is something written in it by yours truly......

Secrets destroy families, relationships, and will stop personal growth. Too many people go through life wearing a mask of shame, terrified that if anyone knew the "real me," they would be shunned and alone. Unfortunately many churches and society tell us to keep our struggles, addictions, and pasts hidden. Hiding our problems will not make them go away. There is a way to be free from the shame and guilt. It begins by understanding The Transparent Life. Author McKrae Game is the president and founder of Hope for Wholeness Network. He lives a transparent life and his ministry has counseled countless men and women to begin their own healing by removing the mask and letting people in. This book is for anyone who desires to be free from struggles, addictions, and secrets.




These are just 6 books I have read lately that I found helpful. I will do another post in the future about others. If you have read any that you recommend, let me know and I'll mention it.

I surrender my sexual desires

 

  I recently had a comment on my other blog by a gay man that bothered me. It wasn't the fact that the man disagreed with me, but it was what he said. He commented that if he believed that I was right in what I believe about homosexuality, he'd kill himself and just go to be with Jesus, because he couldn't handle life without a partner.

  This man's sexual identitity and need for a partner is more important to him than serving God. No matter what it is, if we feel we'd rather die than give something up for God, whether it is sinful or not, we value that thing more than we value God.

  To be a "gay Christian", one must overlook, twist, and re-interpret several Bible verses to make the Bible say something totally different about homosexuality.

    What these individuals don't seem to get, or don't want to get, is Jesus asks the same thing of all of us: deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow him. Those pushing the pro-gay theology seem to believe that gay people are exempt from this command of Jesus, along with the command to repent and sin no more. But to truly follow Jesus means denying yourself of any sin, repenting of all sin, and leaving all sin. We who deal with same-sex attractions do not get a special pass to keep doing what the Bible says is sin. No matter how people try to twist the Bible verses, no matter how unfair it may seem, we cannot serve God and do what the Bible says is sin. Anyone who truly believes that is on dangerous ground.

  There's a hymn we used to sing in church titled "I Surrender All". That is what everyone following Jesus must do, and it isn't easy to surrender all to follow Jesus. I have to wonder many "gay Christians" have prayed and submitted their sexuality, sexual attractions, and desires to God.... or have they just tossed aside the need to do that? Can you truly submit this area of your  life to God and continue living the same way?

  Granted, gay people are not the only ones falling short of submitting their all to Jesus and denying themselves. This modern Christianity we have is so shallow and lukewarm that it asks for no denial, no surrender, no cross, and no true repentance and leaving of sin.

  We all are going to stand before God some day to give account our lives. I am afraid there will be many people on that day who will miss Heaven because they chose to put their sexuality before God. Man's opinions and interpretations of Scripture won't matter on that day, and no excuse will work with God. We must all truly surrender our all, repent, and leave our sin.....even homosexuality.... while we can.

My pathway to freedom

In my last post, I blogged about what true freedom is. I am going to go a different direction and try not to rehash any of those points. I have had guys ask me how I got to the place I am with my same-sex attractions/struggles. The answer may be more complicated and involved than I can put into words, and I am sure there are aspects of it that I am not even aware of, but I shall try to give an explanation.

  This journey is different for everyone, but for me there are some things that stand out to me:

1) Acceptance. I don't mean this in a fatalistic way, nor do I mean it in the way that the out and proud people have accepted the fact that they are gay. I just tried to fight these feelings for so long, and prayed until I was blue in the face to be "normal" (whatever that is). I finally got to the place where I realized it was not going to go away, and decided I was OK with it. If it wasn't this, it would be something else.

2) Surrender. I gave it to God and surrendered my sexual attractions and desires to Him. I have actually prayed and told God I don't care if He ever takes them away, but to just help me live above them and not give in. I have told God several times to use my experiences to help others.

3) Coming out of the closet. Once I got to the place I didn't care who knew my secret, it started losing its hold on me. No, I don't wear a t-shirt, but I talk about it on my blog where everyone knows who I am, and I doubt many people who know me very well don't know at this point. And by coming out of the closet, I don't mean in any way that I have come out as gay, but as a Christian who is attracted to the same sex. There is a difference.

4) Changing my reasons. For so long I just wanted to be "normal", to be like other guys, to be "straight" so I could marry and have a wife and kids. As Christopher Yuan said: the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality...... but holiness. I had to get to the point that I wanted to change to please God, not so I could be happy and heterosexual.

5) God's love. I won't go into all of the reasons for it on this post, but I doubted that God loved me for most of my life. It was more than doubt - I was convinced He didn't love me or like me. It is difficult to serve God when you don't believe He loves you, and your main reason is to escape hell and the feelings of guilt and misery. It is very common among people dealing with same-sex attractions,

  In December, it will have been three years since I finally believed He loves me....and what a difference it has made. I still have a small twinge occasionally, "if God loves me, then why.......", but they are easily brushed aside.

  Believing God loves me has made me want to live a life that pleases Him, and has made a real relationship with Him that I never really had before. And I immediately noticed a difference in my struggles. I believe the other things I mentioned played a big part, but this one seemed to be the catharsis that finally broke the chains. This was when I deleted all of the apps and hook up sites I had been using, This was when the constant desire to hook up with other guys started going away.

  God gets a bad rap from a lot of people who try to walk away from homosexuality only to go back to it. I believe we just give up too easily and try for the wrong reasons, and all too often aren't truly committed and surrendered. It isn't easy, and it may take longer than we want, but it is so worth it.

What does freedom look like?

   It seems one argument of the pro-gay crowd is that since you can't "pray the gay away", then it is OK to be gay.

   If I had a dollar for every time I asked God to make the same-sex attractions go away, I'd be a wealthy man. No matter how many times I prayed that, it didn't happen. I was recently mocked by a fellow Christian who is pro-gay because I dared to say God has set me free even though I am still attracted to men. Many would agree with this person that if a person is still attracted to the same sex, then they aren't free. The ultra conservative part of Christianity would even suggest you aren't even a Christian if you are attracted to the same sex.

  Are either of these two groups right? The latter is definitely wrong. The Bible does not condemn attractions to  the same sex, but sex with and lusting of the same sex. But what about the first group's thinking?

  God works in different ways in our lives. There have been people God instantly delivered from same-sex attractions, drug addictions, alcoholism, pornography, and other sins/addictions/issues. And then there are others who seem to be in the majority that struggle with these things for the rest of their lives on some level.

  It has been suggested that these people haven't prayed enough, that they don't have a close enough relationship with God, and probably other reasons I haven't heard. Someone said it is possible God instantly delivers those who He knows can't handle a constant struggle, while some can and be made stronger for it, so He doesn't instantly set them free from the desires for it. I like that idea, but I have no idea if that is true or not.

    But what does freedom truly look like? Is it not freedom from sin? God set me free from the constant hookups, the chat rooms, personals, and apps that I used to seek hookups. Is that not a miracle? Is that not freedom? Of course I am tempted occasionally to go back, but the temptations are rare and barely a blip on my radar screen. The temptation to lust and have bad thoughts is a bigger battle, but God helps me in that area also.

  God could indeed remove all desires and temptations for the sins and addictions in our lives, but is it any less of a miracle and any less freedom for Him to help us say no to those temptations and desires and live for Him instead of our passions and desires?

  And is it possible if He completely took away all desires for those things that we would be shallow Christians not dependent on Him?

  We are all tempted. The devil knows us and is smart enough to know our weak areas. Of course he is going to tempt us where we are weak. If a sexy young woman cornered me and tried to seduce me, I could easily walk away. I am not attracted to women, and it wouldn't be a temptation. But if a young sexy guy tried to seduce me.....that would be a temptation hard to walk away from, but walking away from it would be true freedom and would show that God does indeed help us.

  When a person has an issue like same-sex attraction, drugs, alcohol, or any tough issue or habitual sin; it makes them more dependent on God. I have found that I can't just coast along and mutter a short little prayer each day. It is a daily battle that requires a close relationship with God and total dependence on Him.

  God broke the chains that held me for so long. Sure, I am still attracted to guys instead of women, but the driving desire and temptation to hook up with guys and chat on line is gone. And that is freedom. That is as miraculous as God taking the same-sex attractions away and making me heterosexual.

Repent and forsake your sins.......unless you're gay

I didn't realize until I joined a Christian blogger page on Facebook just how prevalent this idea that homosexuality isn't a sin is. I knew there are people who believe that and have ran across some of them, but I am just starting to realize this false narrative and beliefs are far more widespread than I had imagined.

  For a guy who has personally dealt with this issue myself for so long, the idea of it being OK is ludicrous to me. I lived that life for years in between trying to serve God at intervals in between....... and I never considered for a moment that the Bible was wrong about it. The Bible refers to people being given over to believe a lie, and I do believe there comes a point where some "gay Christians" come to completely believe they are OK the way they are and can be a Christian while having sex with the same gender. However, I also firmly believe that most people trying to live as a "gay Christian" know down deep that they are wrong. God is a merciful God full of grace and love, and I can't imagine He easily or quickly gives people over to believe this lie.

  I am not really sure what is behind non-gay people pushing this idea so much. I can understand a gay person wanting to believe it. To be able to continue in your sin and still be a Christian with no change.....yeah, that is attractive. But why are so many Christians who don't deal personally with the issue pushing this idea that gay is OK with God? Many claim it is love, but is it love to leave people in their sin and offer no hope of change or deliverance? It is like telling a man in a pit he is fine where he is and that he doesn't have to get out of the pit. It is like telling a man in chains that he really is free and OK the way he is and offering no way to get out of his chains,

  Think about it for a moment. Imagine going to a pastor we'll call Jim. You tell him you are addicted to porn. He prays with you, gives you some guidance on how to stop, and offers accountability to you to help. Now imagine John comes to Jim and confesses he has a drug addiction. Again, Jim is going to offer help, suggest some places for drug addicts to go to get clean, etc. No matter what sin people come to Jim about, he encourages change, repentance, and an offer to help them in any way he can to get victory over their sin.

   Then along comes Sean. Sean confesses to Jim that he is an adulterer and doesn't want to be, yet he can't stop wanting to have sex and relationships with other women besides his wife. So what does Jim do? He tells Sean he is OK the way he is, that the Bible doesn't really condemn adultery, and that there is no need to repent and change from his sexual behaviors.

  What would we think of a pastor, or any Christian, who would tell a man that? Well, substitute gay and sex with other men in that example above, and that is exactly what happens.

  Is it really love to not offer hope and repentance to a gay person? Is it love to tell them they are OK the way they are and that they don't have to change? Is it not basically cruelty to withhold that from them?

  No it isn't easy to deal with same-sex attractions. No, it isn't easy to abstain from what seems to come no naturally. But one problem with modern/progressive/liberal Christianity is that we have this idea it should be easy. We either ignore the what Jesus said about denying ourselves and carrying a cross, or we make it into something it isn't.

  Jesus died for all of mankind. He offers hope and deliverance from sin to all who believe, and gay people are not exempt from that deliverance from their sin. He never has - and never will - leave people in their sin, but will offer deliverance and a way out of their sin. That is to be Christ-like and the way to love gay people, not let them in their sin and tell them they are fine the way they are.

Lessons from Jonah (re-post and edited)

Note: I originally posted this in August of 2012

  I was privileged a few years ago to see a great production of the Bible story of Jonah. It was both entertaining and moving. They brought out the Gospel in it like I never got from reading the Biblical narrative of the story. It was powerful.

  The best scene was after Jonah gave his message to the people of Ninevah. They repented, stripped off their outer armor and royal robes and sang the following song. I found the song on Youtube and will put the video also:


I’m Free

By Don Harper


I was shackled in the chains of my own making
Drowning in a sea of all my woe
Somehow I knew a reckoning was coming
Bitter tears would only sting this ravaged soul
Then the God of earth and Heaven
He showed Himself among us
And falling to my knees, I finally prayed
“Jehovah God on high
If I live or if I die
Take this burden of my sin away”


And now I am free
I’m finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of my Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me
For now I’m free
I am free, oh yes I am free
I am free, thank God I am free!

In the mercy and grace that You give each morning
We will sing Your praise
Every voice we will raise
To the end of our days
We will bless Your name
And now I’m free
I am finally free
With a mercy amazing
A miracle’s been given me
‘Cause now I’m free
By the hand of the Savior
My debt has been redeemed
And far as the east is from the west
This God alone is the difference in me

For now we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes we’re free
Free, we’re free.
Oh we’re free
Now we’re free
Yes, we’re free
Free, we’re free
Oh, we’re free
We’re free!

  They sang this song twice. The second time, Jonah led it as the closing song of the production. The song is powerful and I cried both times. It loses some of its power on a CD. It was so much more seeing people in repentance singing it. It really hit me hard.

I had some thoughts I wanted to get down as I watched the show, and will do my best to get them across in my bumbling way:

1) Everyone has a Ninevah.

  At some point in any Christian's life, there is going to be something He fears to do, yet knows that he needs to. There is going to be something God wants him to do that he doesn't want to do.

Right there in that theater, my Ninevah came to me. Homosexuality. I know God wants me to walk away from it forever, yet it is so hard to do so. It has woven its chains around my heart, soul, and mind.

   And they aren't the only chains I wear. I told someone recently that I am in bondage to my family, especially my parents. They want to keep me close by where they can monitor me, make sure I am living up to their expectations. I have had this strong feeling lately that I need some space between them and I to be what God wants, not what they want. That will be hard, and although I can't claim to be where I need to be with God yet, I am already praying to Him about it. I made the statement to a friend of mine, and it is true: if it came down to knowing God wanted me to do something, and my parents didn't want me to do it....... I'm not sure I could do what God wanted me to do.

Another chain is religion. I was raised in a strict conservative church. A lot of focus is on the outward. Too much. I grew up judging people's Christianity by how they look. Is the outward important? Yes. The Bible does talk about modesty, and I believe it is Biblical that men should look like men and women like women. If you can't tell what gender someone is, how is that pleasing to God........ but should men tell us how to dress? What to do and what not to do? If people really want to please God, they won't need rules from their church. They will let God show them. And if they really love God and want to please Him, they won't try to get as close to the edge of what is right or wrong.

The day may come when I need to change churches, or just get away from the church and seek out what God expects from me. I would face a lot of pressure and be fought on that, but can I run from that? Should I just do what my church says and what my parents expect to keep others happy?

Another Ninevah: I have felt for some time that God wants to use my struggles. That scares me. I don't mind talking about them on a blog where I am anonymous or even talking one on one, but to come out in public.... yikes. I feel like running already.

Note: Thankfully, I have walked away from homosexuality and it has lost the hold it had on me for so long.


2) When you are running from something, you are running to something else, and often that is worse than what you are running from.

  This thought isn't original with me. That statement was made in the Jonah production, and it really hit home. And it is true. Not just for Jonah. I thought about this, and it is true for me.

  This may sound I like I made it up, but when I heard that statement, it was if God leaned down and told me that I had been running toward homosexuality all these years, and it was worse than what I was running from.

  For years, I have been running. Running from loneliness, from negative feelings. Any time I felt those emotions, I'd turn to pornography and anonymous sex to ease the loneliness and emptiness within me.

  But the thing is, what I ran to was worse than what I was running from. I cannot describe the feelings I have experienced with so many sexual encounters. Many were with guys whose names I didn't even know. There were times I dabbled in things that I never thought I would, just to fill a void. But the void got worse.

   Can a gay guy find a solution to loneliness in homosexuality? Can they find love? Some may for a while. Gay relationships just don't last very long. And I have to wonder about the ones that do. Is it really love, or is it just a really close friendship. From what I have seen, most gay relationships that last a long time have a few things in common:

1) One or both of the couple is cheating on the other.
2) The couple has a 3rd or more in to have fun with
3) Sex is rare and sometimes non-existent

  God has never, and will never, ordain a sexual relationship between people of the same gender, and that is why I believe the relationships don't last. I have thought about totally walking away from what I know is right, embrace my gayness and seek a relationship, but it wouldn't last. In the end, I would be worse off than ever, and more broken.

   How much better off I would have been if I had run from homosexuality instead of running toward it. I What I ran toward is indeed worse than what I ran from. And in running toward my sexual desires, I ran from God and what He wanted for my life.

3) God gives second (and more) chances.

   Through Jonah,  God said He was going to destroy Ninevah in 40 days. After they repented, God let them live and did not destroy them. And Jonah got a second chance to do what God had commanded him to do. Where would any of us be if God did not give us more than one chance? Most of us would not be alive. And He has given me countless chances.

4) We don't always get what we deserve.

   Jonah didn't deserve to get out of the whale. He was a prophet of God who was determined to not do what God wanted him to do, yet God gave him a wake-up call instead of death. And the people of Ninevah deserved to be destroyed. They were wicked, yet God forgave them when they repented and did not destroy the city.

  I hate to think of what I deserve. AIDS, death...... yet I am healthy. I've had a few scares, yet I am alive and healthy. After having sexual encounters with countless men...... could it be because God has a plan for my life in spite of all my mess ups, all my sin, all my running?

5) God can and will forgive anyone.

The devil is a powerful and smart enemy and strategist. He doesn't just have one weapon, he has countless weapons. One is lies. If he can get us to believe certain lies, most of his battle is won. He has had me convinced that God doesn't care, doesn't love me, that I have sinned to badly and too often to ever be completely forgiven. But that is a lie.

God can and will forgive anyone. He forgave the wicked people of Ninevah. If the Colorado shooter would repent and seek God, God would forgive him. He would still need to face punishment for his crimes, but God would forgive him...... so why not me? Yes, I have sinned and been far from what God wanted, but I am not beyond redemption, I have not done anything God will not forgive. And I need to remind myself of that daily.

6) God can use anyone. 

   After running from what God asked him to do, and being swallowed by a fish, Jonah didn't seem like someone that God could use, but he was. And a whole city repented and found God.

  When I look at myself, I can't see anything that God could possibly use. My talents seem few and small. I have failed him more than I haven't. I feel below average. But if I surrender to Him, who knows how He could use me.


The story of Jonah is much more than just a story about a man that ran from God and got swallowed by a big fish. Read it and think about it.

I hope I got across the thoughts I have had on my mind since seeing the production of Jonah. It truly was a powerful message.

Take up your gay mat (re-post and edited)

 Note:  I am going to go back and edit some of my older posts and post them again. One thing I have started doing in just the last couple of years, is to add pictures to break up the post some and hopefully add something to it also. This is a post I did in September of 2012. And the "gay mat", is not a man........ :)

  In a post I did a while back (original post here), I posted the lyrics and music video of a new song that really hit me hard and was the final thing to cause me to turn back to God. The song is still affecting me. When I am tempted to give up, I think about the words, especially the chorus:

Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well.

  The first verse talks about the crippled man at the pool who Jesus asked if he wanted to be healed, and told him to take up his mat (bed) and walk. That one line has really been on my mind - "are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?"

  No matter what our sin and struggle, we have to do our part. Yes, God forgives and will help, but we don't just say a simple prayer of repentance and then its all easy going from then on.

  To be completely honest, I haven't "wanted to be well" bad enough over the years. I'd feel guilty, miserable, etc, so I would repent and make an attempt to serve God again... only to go back to the porn and sex over and over.

  But the thing is, we have to work at it, do our part, and take up our "gay" mat. What does that entail? It may differ from person to person, but here are some ways I have come up with that I would say is taking up my mat and doing my part:

1) Pray. A lot. Homosexuality is a really rough struggle. It would be awesome if you could "pray the gay away", but it doesn't usually happen that way. However, praying about it, asking God for help and strength to not give into it - that does help.

2) Reading the Bible. Seems an obvious one for any Christian, but too many people don't read the Bible daily. I used to feel like I had to read at least one reasonably long chapter, or more, but I don't believe that is necessary. It doesn't hurt, but it is better to read a verse or two that sticks with you and you get something out of, than to read five chapters and you don't really get anything out of it. Bible reading for a Christian is not about just doing it to fill a quota, or because it is something we should do..... it is to help us.

 And something I have found helpful in my Bible reading, is to use different versions/translations of the Bible. I'll use one version for a week or so, then go to another..... it especially helps on passages that are so familiar to me that I tend to skim over them in the King James that I grew up on.

3) Throwing some things away. I had to do this. Not every sin causes a person to accumulate "stuff", but even if it doesn't, often there are things we need to get rid of, and I definitely had some things I needed to throw out. Sad thing is, I dug them out of the outside garbage dumpster a couple of nights later. I threw the stuff away again and asked a couple of friends to ask me if I left them there til the garbage finally got picked up. And I did, though I was extremely tempted to go dumpster diving again. That brings me to the next one:

4) Accountability. As I stated already, homosexuality is a rough thing to deal with. And I could be wrong, but I think it is harder to deal with if a person has acted out, as I have. Not only do I have the lust and thought life to deal with, I have the knowledge of what it feels like to give in, to be with other guys sexually for pleasure. And yes, there is pleasure. If there wasn't, it wouldn't be so hard to get away from. Add pornography and masturbation to the mix, and yeah...... its a tough row to hoe. So you need accountability. People who will check up on you occasionally, ask you tough questions, people who will pray for you and won't mind if you call them, text, or shoot an email telling them you are in a bad spot or a weak moment. Its too easy to fall back into if you know no one is going to check up on you.

5) Be open and honest. This is similar to the last, but different also. Be more open. It isn't always easy knowing who you can trust. I have told a lot of people, and so far, so good. To my knowledge, only one person has betrayed my trust, and that is a whole other story. And not everyone you tell is someone you are going to want to be accountable to, but it helps when people know. Not sure why. Maybe it is that whole "the truth shall set you free" thing.

 Note: Instead of changing #5, I will add to it: At this point, I doubt many people that  I am connected with on social media doesn't know what I deal with.... since I "outted" myself over a year ago on my blog, I have stopped caring what people think and who knows....... and it has been freeing. I do believe that is something that has helped this sin lose its hold on me - bringing it into the open.

  I'll never be as open on my public blog as I am on this one, but I won't hesitate to discuss my struggle on that blog also.

6) Read books. There are several great books to read to help deal with having same-sex desires. One that I read twice so far is Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. It is a great book for someone struggling with same-sex attractions, or for someone wanting to understand it better. I mentioned Satisfaction Guaranteed in a recent blog post, and plan on discussing some others in the future.

  And there are other books outside of that topic that can help. Books about God's love, His grace, temptation, knowing God better, etc. Another great book I'd recommend is 13 Ways to Ruin Your Life by Jarrod Jones. It deals with sexual temptation in general, but is a great book and resource for people struggling with any sexual sin.

7) Journal or blog. It helps to write about your struggles. I don't like to write physically on paper much. I prefer typing, and started this blog to talk about my struggles. And it does help. Even with that accountability thing since I have some friends read this who do know who I am, and I am thankful for them.

8) Church. Another one that seems obvious, but no one is going to grow spiritually and overcome sin, if they don't get around other Christians regularly.

9) A ministry. I have attended one Exodus conference, and two Hope for Wholeness Conferences. I found them very helpful and encouraging, and not at all what I expected. I also know of people who deal with SSA and go to Celebrate Recovery and find it helpful. A younger married guy from my church who deals with SSA goes weekly to a CR near me and has found it very helpful. Just being around others who are dealing with the same thing as you is encouraging, and it is a place where you can take your mask off and not worry that people will find your secret out.

Other people could probably come up with some other ideas, and better ones, but after thinking about me and what I could and should do, these are the ones I came up with.

   It is my prayer that God somehow uses my struggles and the life I have lived, to help others. Hopefully, something I say on my blogs may some day help someone else in some way. That is my hope and prayer.

And here is that song again:

Do You Wanna Be Well?

By William J. Gaither, Suzanne Gaither Jennings, and Benjamin Gaither

Verse 1:
Waiting there for thirty-eight years, cried so long he ran out of tears
Just a worn out man, looking for a healing hand
Then one day his chance came along, a healing Man who could make him strong
And he caught his eyes, but his question took him by surprise

Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well

Verse 2:

Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?

Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well

　

Bridge:
There’s a better life waiting just for you
Endless open spaces in the sun

Chorus:
But you gotta wanna be well, Really wanna be well.
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well

Healing with teens

 

This is something I have discussed several times in different blog posts, but for the sake of the rest of the blog post, I need to discuss it a bit more: I was picked on and bullied a lot in school, mostly junior high through 10th grade. I attended a Christian school, and almost every boy in junior high and high school had their times of making my life miserable. My lack of interest and ability in sports made it worse, and I am convinced that a lot of what went on helped form, or at least helped to make worse,  the same-sex attractions I began experiencing at that age. I also became afraid of teenage boys. When I was at a camp or somewhere where there were other Christian boys who treated me nice and talked to me, I'd freeze up and not know how to act..... it was like a shy boy being around girls for the first time, only in my case boys were different from me and I was scared to death to be around them.

    This fear stayed with me for years. I was scared to work around or be around other guys that were adults, but teenage boys were the worst. I had a delivery job for a couple of years, and I had to deliver to schools occasionally..... and as ridiculous as it sounds, that was a big deal for me to walk into schools that had junior high and high school boys. Everything would come rushing back, and I had the fear of being made fun of and bullied as an adult by teenage boys.

   As the years went by, it lessened some and wasn't something I thought about  a lot. I had a lot of teens around church who seemed to be OK with me, and I would only feel uncomfortable and leery of boys I didn't know or felt inferior to...... but it was always there beneath the surface.

  And then something happened recently.  I went to spend a Saturday night through Sunday afternoon at a church camp in another state that I went to a lot as a kid, and hadn't been to for 24 years or so.

  After greeting a few people, I headed for the bathroom. Derek, the 17 year old son of my cousins was exiting the bathroom. He smiled and said "Hi, Luke." I replied "hi.... Derek, right?" He said yes, and that it was good to see me. I had only met this kid once, 5 years ago. He, his older brother, and his dad (my cousin) had come to my parents' house to trim a tree for them. It made me feel good that he remembered me.

  As I ate supper, my sister pointed out and introduced me to 4 of Derek's siblings that I had never met..... his parents had adopted 4 kids, all siblings, 9 years ago and I met them for the first time as I ate supper in the camp's dining hall., Kyle, Kaylee, and 2 younger girls whose names escape me.

   After supper as I walked past the screened windows where kids were washing dishes to pay for their stay, 13 year old Kyle said hi through the screen, then turned to the other kids and said "that's my cousin Luke, who I just met." I smiled and said I'd see him later.

  Before the evening service. I walked up to use the bathroom and found it overrun by pre-teen and teenage boys. There are two showers, enclosed with two wooden doors with a about a foot opening beneath, and a lot of room to change clothes inside. "hey Uncle Luke, Derek wants to hear one of your jokes", my oldest nephew said. Derek was changing in the one shower, and the other was occupied by my youngest nephew. I laughed and said I'd try to think of one. I leaned against the sink and chatted with these guys and finally came up with a couple. My "new" cousin Kyle was doubled over laughing, and instantly became my biggest joke fan, but I got several laughs from other boys. I exited the bathroom and headed for my room, only to be chased down by Kyle and an older boy I didn't know. "He has something to tell you, " Kyle said. That something was a joke, though a corny one. I groaned and laughed, and went to my room.

  Throughout the evening and the next day, these kids would come up wanting a joke, some would stop and chat with me, one hit me lightly on the shoulder in passing and said hi. After I ate my last meal of camp, lunch, on a whim I went behind the counter in the dining room, grabbed a dry dish towel, and started drying dishes as they were pulled out of the rinse bin. The kids were surprised, but immediately started joking with me, asking for jokes, and telling me jokes. It was a lot more fun than back when I used to do it as a teen.

  I said my good-byes after the afternoon service, and headed for home. As I drove, the thought hit me......those kids actually seemed to like me, and I felt completely comfortable with them. I had no fears of them making fun of me or bullying me....... and sure, I have matured a lot and am a lot older now, but that was a fear I never thought I'd lose...... and I am not sure when and where it left, but it seemed to have given up its last vestige of power over me on the grounds of a camp ground where it used to flourish.

  The further I go on this journey I am on, the more I realize God can and does heal me if I let him. Who would have thought a trip to a church camp ground would bring about some healing in my life..... I pray God continues to work in my life and further heal me where I need it.

Toby Mac and his memes

  I am not a fan of Toby Mac's music, my music tastes run more to more traditional music, but I started following his Facebook page several months back due to the encouraging memes he posts. Here is a handful of them:

Satisfaction guranteed

  I read a book recently that I wanted to mention on here, Satisfaction Guaranteed by Jonathan Berry and Rob Wood. The book is mostly written by Berry, a man in his late 40's or so, with some input from his friend Rob Wood, a 20's guy. Both men are single and deal with same-sex attraction.

 The aim of the book is to show that you can be single and satisfied while also being celibate, and I thought they did a great job of doing that. Too often the focus and goal of we who are attracted to the wrong sex is to turn straight and marry someone of the opposite sex and live happily ever after..... and that not only doesn't always work, but it shouldn't be what we are aiming for.

 Without discounting marriage, the book shows that it is possible to be single and satisfied as a Christian dealing with SSA.

  Both authors write regularly on their blog/site Satisfied In Christ.

Excerpts from the book below:


Chapter 1. Craving counterfeit gods

God was coming good at last. Making up for the loss of Dad, I convinced myself, by providing what I’d always longed for. Making up for all the unrequited love of my school days too. Here was a best friend and lover, someone to share my whole life with, someone to take away that sense of aloneness in this world. Jean-Luc was God’s gift to me. And I even found plenty of Bible verses to back up my conviction.

Chapter 4. Did God really say…?

So the context of Leviticus 18:22 is clear. God’s redeemed people – rescued out of Egypt in the case of the Israelites, and out of the dominion of darkness in the case of Christians – are to have a distinctively different sexual ethic from that of the surrounding culture: ‘You shall not do as they do…Do not follow their practices. You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees.’ God’s people are called to stand out from the culture in our sexual behavior, rather than allow ourselves to be swept along by it.

Chapter 5. Everything you need?

As I grew up out of my childlike faith, sadly, my God seemed to shrink. Sex was everywhere: friends were talking about it, advertisers were shamelessly using it to sell products, and I was facing a constant barrage of images that were making it seemingly impossible to avoid. I had always believed that God created the good gift of sex to be enjoyed exclusively within heterosexual marriage, but I was being fed a lie that I needed to have sex to be happy. In a culture where sex had become a god, was the one true God powerful enough to provide for me if I pursued a life of celibacy? Was it possible to be satisfied in Christ without a sexual relationship?

On those occasions when I gave in to sexual temptation and entered a brief relationship, I evidently didn’t believe that God was powerful enough to provide for me, and wasn’t convinced that the love of Christ was sufficient to satisfy my deepest longings and that he was the source of genuine delight. I gave in to that ancient temptation and believed the lie that the Lord was withholding from me something good, pleasing and desirable.

Chapter 6. Gripped by grace

John travelled to Africa’s west coast. He paid for his cargo as normal, then sailed off to the Caribbean. His cargo was people, and their conditions were horrific, for the year was 1750. The number who would have died on John’s business trips is unknown. But what we do know is that this same man later went on to denounce the slave trade as a result of his faith in Jesus Christ. But after years as a people trafficker, could he ever be confident of his standing before God? John Newton wrote the now-famous words which suggest he had every confidence that he was now in the right with his Maker:

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Chapter 10. Pursuing intimacy with God

Mike wakes up in the morning, prays and reads his Bible, but Jesus isn’t physically in front of him. At church he worships the ‘King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God’ (1 Timothy 1:17), but he can’t physically see this eternal King who’s invisible – because, well, he’s invisible. By contrast, on an average day Mike sees many attractive men. And although he does his best to look away and not lust, it doesn’t stop him from craving intimacy.

‘I’m at that age where most of my friends are married. They have someone to share their whole life with. They can be physically close. And yes, I know I can enjoy intimate friendship with God. But God can’t hug me.’ Mike’s temptation is to pursue physical and emotional intimacy with attractive men whom he can see. But he tries to resist this in obedience to the God he can’t see. I get it. I share the same struggle. At root, it’s a question of faith.

Chapter 13. The future of marriage

‘I face all the same challenges as other married people,’ explained Ethan. ‘My same-sex temptations are just one issue that Liz and I are working through together. And it’s not even close to being the main area of struggle for me. To be honest, having a joint bank account has been a far greater challenge.’

My hospitality enablers, Domino’s, had just delivered dinner, saving my culinary blushes. Ethan and I were having a first proper catch-up since his wedding day just over a year ago. I was interested to know how things were going, and how I could be praying for him and his wife. And in particular, I wondered how he was coping with his ongoing same-sex desires.

These excerpts are taken from ‘Satisfaction Guaranteed’ by Jonathan Berry with Rob Wood, published by Inter-Varsity Press, London 2016. Used by permission.

As far as the east is from the west

   I have a friend who I'll call John. Since this is an anonymous blog where I have given myself the name Luke, I may as well stick with that anonymity and give him an alias also.

  "John" and I have been friends for around 12 years, though we have never met. He lives several states away from me, but hopefully we can meet some day. We met in a Christian Yahoo chat room at a low time in his life. He was dealing with same-sex attractions and had given in, and somehow we crossed paths in this chat room. At the time, I was in one of my "up-times" where I was abstaining from sex and porn and actually living for God, and according to him I was a big help. Due to social media, especially Facebook and cell phones, we have been been able to get to know each other even better in recent years and keep in daily contact.

  John has messaged me a few times this week about his one and only fall into immorality. It has been 12 years, but he has recently been hit with a lot of pain and guilt over his actions, and has been hitting me up on how to deal with it. I tried to come up with the right words, and I hope I was a help, but his situation has resulted in this blog post where I hope I can get across what I want to say.

   The Bible says God forgives our sins as far as the east is from the west. Someone has said the reason north and south wasn't used, is if you keep going south far enough, you'll start going north.... and vice versa. However, that doesn't happen with east and west. I assume that is true, and brings home the truth that our sins are gone forever and cannot be found.

  God doesn't bring up our sins that He has forgiven. He doesn't even berate us if we fall to them again. That "you are such a failure, aren't you ever going to stop doing that", etc comes from the devil, not God. God hasn't brought my friend's sin from 12 years ago up, the devil has brought it up and is doing his best to mess with my friend.

   John sinned with one guy. I sinned with so many that I can only put a ballpark figure on how many it may have been. I often feel regret over how I spent so much of my life, but as far as I went and as deep into sin I went, I don't really struggle too much with my past the way my friend has been lately though.

   These last three years have been the best years of my life in regards to God and my relationship with Him. I still struggle with depression and feelings of failure, but I have come to see the reality of God's love for me, and the realization that His mercy and grace are far greater and long lasting than I ever could imagine. We humans tend to remember transgressions against us, and though we may forgive, we may never trust that person again....especially if they are a repeat offender. Yet God, who knows all we have done and ever will do.....even that we are going to sin in that area again, forgives us without hesitation. And when He forgives, He doesn't sigh and remind us of how many times He has already forgiven us for that same sin,

  So my friend needs to do the same thing with his sin that God has done: leave it in the past, and let it go. When the devil brings it up, remind him that it is forgiven and that he is not that same man anymore. And then thank God for forgiveness and His love, grace, and mercy.

Here I am lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you've cast my sin as far
As the east is from the west
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night

I can't live by what I feel
About the truth your word reveals
And I'm not holding onto you
But you're holding onto me
You're holding onto me

Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

Just how far, the east is from the west, just how far
From one scarred hand to the other
You know just how far, the east is from the west, just how far
From one scarred hand to the other

The sins of homosexuality

 

 I accepted the fact years ago that homosexuality is a sin and that I cannot live a life pleasing to God and make it to Heaven if I engage in that sin. Too many people twist and ignore Scripture to excuse this one sin of many, but I have recently been thinking about the other sins of homosexuality. Yes, sins plural. Even if you toss out what the Bible says about homosexuality, there are other sins attached to it that you cannot toss out unless you also toss them out for heterosexuals:

1) Lust. Lust is not confined to heterosexuals. Gay people also lust just as much or more as heterosexuals, and the Bible condemns lust.

2) Pride. The Bible condemns the sin of pride more than sexual sins, and maybe even more than other sins throughout the Bible. One doesn't have to look very far to see the gay community is based on pride. Pride of body, out and proud, gay pride parades...... if pride is as bad of a sin as the Bible says it is, then it is a sin that runs rampant in the gay community.

3) Idolatry. Worship of the male body is very prevalent and a big part of the gay male scene. Many gay guys are looking for sex and want guys who have the perfect bodies. Personality and character are often not what they are looking for, but instead looks. Gay guys are obsessed with the male body.

And also, putting one's sexual desires above God is breaking the commandment of not having any gods before Him, for it is setting one's own desires and sexuality more important than God Himself.

4) Envy. Envy is rooted deeply in same-sex attraction, or vice-versa. Gay guys see what they want to be in other guys and want it. Guys who are hairy envy those who are smooth. Smooth guys envy those who are hairy. Bigger built guys envy smaller ones, guys envy penis size,  and so forth. They envy other guys' boyfriends and all things about other guys.

5) Fornication. Unless you also toss out every verse the Bible has about sexual sin and fornication - which is all sex outside of marriage - then the majority of gay people are guilty of that sin regardless of what you believe about homosexuality.... for there is a small minority of gay people who marry.....the rest of the sexually active ones are committing fornication....which is a sin.

6) Adultery. I was amazed and shocked at the amount of married guys who are out there on gay hook up sites and apps, in adult bookstores looking for sex with other guys, and even gay bath houses. Jesus Himself condemned adultery in the Gospels, and yes,,,, that includes a married guy having sex with another guy.

 And....if you're going to accept gay marriage, then any gay married couple who has in a third or more for fun, or who cheats on each other, is guilty of adultery....... and it happens. Monogamy is even rarer among gay people than heterosexuals.

7) Greed. Go in a gay bar, a gay bath house. or anywhere else where there are several gay men. Then wait until a hot young guy walks in. Guys will be all over him like flies on honey.

8) Gluttony. It is an inconvenient truth, but gay guys are much more promiscuous than their heterosexual counterparts.....they have sex often and with multiple partners. It is misconception that gluttony refers to overeating, but it refers to excess...... and you will find a lot of excess in the gay community.

 
  There are other sins associated with homosexuality, such as disobedience/not keeping God's laws, but this is a list of sins that are associated with it if you are trying to say homosexuality is a sin. I believe it is nearly impossible - actually it is impossible - to live in homosexuality/gay lifestyle and not be guilty of some or most of these sins. So if you're going to toss out what the Bible says about homosexuality, you are going to have to toss these out also.