Turning a page

As I have stated in recent posts, I have been slowly changing behaviors, thought patterns, and some other things in my life. I've been praying and reading my Bible, but still needed to repent and make some other changes.

I got a new CD this week and it has a song on it that has really been impacting me. The first verse talks about the man sitting at the pool in the Bible waiting to be healed who Jesus did heal. The chorus asks this:

Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well. (full lyrics and video at the end of the post)

I loved the song the first time I listened to it, and have been playing it over and over. I felt like God was asking me if I really wanted to be healed, free, and whole, and if I was willing to do my part - to take up my "mat".

The second verse goes:

Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?

And yes, I have gotten used to the chains and the pain. I played this song several times last night, and was really getting hit hard with that line "are you willing to take up your mat." I knew some of what that involved. I had some things I needed to get rid of, and I felt like God was asking me to get rid of the stuff now, before I repented and gave Him control of my life. I made the decision to do so, wondering if I could go "cold turkey" without truly having His help. And then I felt Him ask me, why wait. If I was going to ask forgiveness, give Him control, then why not now - why wait?



There is a lot of debate about eternal security, once-saved-always saved, or the belief you can fall from grace, truly walk away from God. Regardless of who is right, I have not lived as a Christian nor served God for over two years, and definitely needed to repent and ask forgiveness, and to surrender my all to God, whether or not He had been in my heart all along or not.

Oddly enough, I think one thing that really helped me to come to this place faster, was quitting my job last Friday. I've had too much negativity in my life, and have been trying to change that, and my job was a big negative in my life. Maybe that is why I had been feeling the urge to quit it - maybe God knew I needed it out of the way before I would be ready to make a decision for Him. I could be wrong, and the timing could be a coincidence, but I don't think it was coincidence.

Also work-related, the Sunday work issue really bothered me. I see things a little differently in that regard, but it is still something I'd like to avoid, or at least do rarely. I had wondered how I'd deal with it when I did start serving God again, and it was a hang up and hold up in doing so.

It won't be easy. On top of the same-sex attraction and pornography addictions, I still have the depression issue - though it is at a much lower level than it had been - my struggle about God's love, and I am unemployed now - it feels good now, but if I stay employed very long, it is an area that I could be discouraged.

If you're reading this blog post, I'd ask that you please pray for me in the coming days. The devil isn't going to sit back and leave me alone. He will attack and fight. Pray that I won't give in.

Hopefully, the tone of my blog will change. I have been honest and open in my posts here, sometimes brutally so. I have written a lot of dark and hopeless stuff, and will leave it up. It might do me good some time to see where I have been.

I will still have battles. It isn't easy being single and struggling with same-sex attractions. I plan on blogging about it, but hopefully it will be more upbeat and positive, and will be about successes on this journey of life, and not failure.

Do You Wanna Be Well?
By William J. Gaither, Suzanne Gaither Jennings, and Benjamin Gaither


Verse 1:
Waiting there for thirty-eight years, cried so long he ran out of tears
Just a worn out man, looking for a healing hand
Then one day his chance came along, a healing Man who could make him strong
And he caught his eyes, but his question took him by surprise

Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well

Verse 2:

Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?

Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well

　

Bridge:
There’s a better life waiting just for you
Endless open spaces in the sun

Chorus:
But you gotta wanna be well, Really wanna be well.
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well