Taking off the mask

This is a blog post I am still not sure I should post. I actually just started typing out how I feel, and where I am at with God, my same-sex attractions, and other stuff..... putting down what I'd share with someone if they wanted me to completely remove my mask and let them gaze on the real me...... the me I hide and camouflage with humor and acting normal and happy when I am not.... and the result is pretty dark. I don't feel this way 100% of the time, or it isn't at the forefront of my mind 100% of the time, but these are feelings I deal with daily. A lot of them I have been dealing with for years.

I'm tired.
It is more than a physical weariness, though there is that. It is also emotional.

I'm tired of dealing with attractions to men and feeling that I'll never measure up to other guys.

I'm weary of caving so often to porn, yet it seems to give more comfort than God does.

I'm weary of serving a God who is so distant and doesn't seem to care what I am dealing with.


  I get up early every morning and go to a job I like pretty well, but doesn't pay enough for me to make it on my own. 

  Seven years ago this coming June, I moved back to the town and state I had moved away from two years previous. I had no money left, no job, and no home, so I moved into my parents' basement until I got on my feet, and put most of what I owned in storage.

  These past 7 years have sucked. Part time work, no work, depression, descent back into multiple sexual encounters.....something that wasn't an issue when I had moved away. Loneliness, lack of privacy. I have so little solitude and time to be alone living in my parents' basement. There is no room I can go in and close out the world... and my parents. I so badly want my own place again, yet I'm scared. I feel a deep sense of shame that I am the age I am, and staying with my parents...... I have a hard time saying “living with”, as it sounds too permanent.

I'm scared I can't make it on my own. The last time I truly lived alone, I got in over my head in debt because I wasn't making enough money. 

I'm scared I will get sick and won't be able to work, and end up on the street.

I'm scared if I do live alone again, that I'll go back to my days when I had guys over for sex on a continual basis.

  Working more hours or 2 jobs is not a solution. I am exhausted at the end of the work day, and I have an easy job.

I look at the future and just wish I could die and not have to deal with my worries, fears, my sexual struggles. 

Yet, I fear God wouldn't let me into Heaven.

A lot of people seem to think I am a nice guy, but I don't feel like a nice guy.

I can't believe Calvinism. No offense to Calvinists, but I see too many holes, get unsatisfactory answers when I ask questions.

Yet I grew up feeling God was just waiting for me to mess up so He could kick me out on my ear. To this day, I never feel fully forgiven, and never feel I am ready for Heaven. Even at my best spiritually, I've always feared if I died, I wouldn't make it into Heaven. I feel I can never measure up to what God wants out of me as a Christian. I know Jesus blood covers any sin I ever committed, but I always feel like I need to do more to get total forgiveness..... and no, I don't believe in a works religion, and have not been taught that...... I just feel I have to do more.

  I look in the mirror and see failure. A not very nice-looking guy who has struggled with weight all my life, and is good at nothing. I try to list what I like about myself, and come up with a couple of things: I am punctual, and a pretty good uncle.

  I have always worked minimum wage jobs, or just above minimum wage. I honestly don't believe I am good at anything, and my fears of failing has kept me from applying for and getting many jobs over my life. I am used to aiming low, and staying low.

I still have a hard time believing people like me. I rarely send friend requests on Facebook, because I figure they will refuse, or delete me shortly after they add me, so I wait for people to send me one.

  I feel empty, hopeless, and worthless. I weary of wearing a mask, of pretending everything is OK, when it isn't. And were I to list everything that is wrong, I am not sure I could.

  There are days it is all I can to get out of bed, go to work, and function. I wish I could just stay in bed. Yesterday, I was sick and called off. My parents went shopping and I was home alone for several hours.... and it was awesome. I find myself now wishing I could have a week like that. No work, home alone with movies and books, not having to deal with people or reality....... but I can't. 

Some days, I feel like I am going to crack or boil over, but I manage to keep it together. I sometimes find myself crying in bed or in the car, and maybe that is better than holding it all in like I am used to doing.

  I'll have temporary times when I can rise above it for a while, and my sense of humor helps, but then back down I go, back to faking it.

  God and Christianity have become basically a band-aid. A temporary relief, that wears out just like a band-aid, and then my wounds are hurting again.

  Part of me believes God loves me, but part of me doubts He really cares, and I have a hard time trusting Him. He doesn't seem to answer my prayers, and the voices in my head telling me I am a failure and worthless are so much louder than God's voice, and I find myself wondering why. Why does it seem the devil fights against me more than God fights for me? Does the devil want me more?

  The depression has been pretty bad lately. And along with it, despair, rage, and wishes of death. The same me who can't believe once-saved, always saved, also believes that I'd drop into hell if I took my own life, but I also couldn't do that to my family, so it always remains a wish, not a possibility. I have doctored for depression with no results. The doctor just kept trying different and more expensive meds on me til I gave up on that. Winter makes it worse, and I find myself wanting to hit people who cheer on the snow and colder temps.

  I have so many regrets, and feel I have wasted my life up to this time, yet see no hope to change. I want a better life, a better relationship with God, but fear God will always be at a distance, that I will go through life falling over and over, never being able to stay on my feet, always envying others for their relationship with God, always worrying about money and getting sick.

  I feel my parents, especially my dad, disapprove of everything I do. I worry more about pleasing them than God, and if there was something I felt He wanted me to do, and it was something they didn't want.... i.e. moving away from them... I don't think I could do it. 

  I haven't been tempted much to hook up, though lust is a big problem, and part of me feels like just ditching everything and finding someone to be with. The idea of living life totally alone is daunting and depressing, but I can't see me ever being attracted to women, and especially ever being able to sexually perform with one. I want someone to love and love me, yet the desire to be used by other men is also strong.

More often than not, I wonder if this is all there is. If life is pain, loneliness, never having enough.

  I'm weary of always trying to do the right thing. I wish I could go off from everyone for a while, yet I can't afford it, and if I could, my parents would accuse me of being up to no good. At the same time, I am lonely, yet wish for solitude and alone time.

  Even other guys who struggle with same-sex attraction seem to have it together more than I do. I feel like a scared little boy who is never going to grow up or succeed at anything.

  I feel guilty for how I feel, knowing there are people worse off than me, but that doesn't make me feel any better, just worse.

  I don't really enjoy reading the Bible, and tend to read the same passages over and over. Prayer doesn't come naturally, and I wonder if God is even paying attention. Most Sundays, I'd rather stay home than go to church, though I like my church and pastor.

  It sounds weird at my age, but I wish I could run away.

They say people that have addictions, whether they be drugs, alcohol,, sex, porn, or something else, have triggers. Things, people, situations, places, emotions that for some reason make you want that things you're trying to escape and give up, that makes you more susceptible to giving in. My big trigger right now is my situation with wanting my own place and wanting to better my life. I think about it, then worry, then down I go to self medicate with porn.

I want to be like other guys, like other Christians, but I am not sure that is possible anymore. If God had a scrap pile where He put useless scraps, I'd be on it.

 

 I wish I could live a fulfilling life, that I could look at the guy in the mirror and like him at least a little. That I could faithfully serve God, trust Him, and see Him as a loving Father.

 

 There are times I make more of an effort and manage to serve God for a while, and experience moments of encouragement and hope,  but it is shallow, and it isn't much of a relationship, which may be why I cave so easily to discouragement and temptation.

 

 

No time for mediocrity

There is a guy I have been emailing back and forth for a few months that also struggles with same-sex attractions. He lives several states away and we pray for each other and talk about our struggles, living for God, and other such things. In his most recent email to me, he ended it with a statement that has stuck with me since I read the email five days ago:   "I hope 2015 is a year of deeper grace and freedom for you. I've prayed that for you.  There isn't much use or hope in mediocrity for guys like us, so I hope we go deeper and deeper into Christ."

  There isn't much use or hope for mediocrity for guys like us. No Christian should strive for mediocrity, but especially we who have what seems to be a constant uphill battle. There is no coasting for us. Sure, there are easier times and days, but we can't relax our God, and we cannot settle for less, but must always strive for a stronger relationship with God. We must always remain vigilant and strong for the next battle or mountain the devil throws our way.

  I haven't been posting much on this blog lately, as I post a lot on my public blog, but this statement from my new friend has been running through my mind so much, that I felt I needed to blog about it, and then I read today's entry from the devotional my best friend gave me for Christmas. The book is Extreme Devotion by Voice of the Martyrs. Most days have a complete full page devotional, but some days have just a single statement or quote. That is the case with the one for today. It was a statement by a Vietnamese pastor who had been jailed for his faith: "We have learned that suffering is not the worst thing in the world - disobedience to God is the worst."

  And that statement has stuck with me all day. I haven't read many days in the devotional yet, but I have already read of some people who have suffered for their faith. And I have read before of those who have suffered and died for their faith. It is happening today even as I type this blog post.

  Struggling with same-sex attraction sucks. I wish I could lay down this cross I carry and not struggle with it anymore. I wish I could marry like normal guys and have a family. I wish I didn't feel so alone as I walk this journey of life as a single guy with no other single guys around. I wish life was easier.

 I have been thinking about these Christian brothers and sisters across the world and across time. Countless people who suffer and have suffered for Jesus because of their faith in Him. They have faced imprisonment, torture, loss of jobs, loss of health, sight, limbs. Many have watched their families killed in front of them. And yet they hold the faith, often made stronger in the face of death and torture for their faith.

  Back before he decided to embrace the gay life instead of fighting against his desires, Ray Boltz penned and sang a great song titled "I Pledge Allegiance to the Lamb". The concept video for the song is powerful and moving, a must see if you have never seen it. The words to the song are:

I pledge allegiance to the Lamb
With all my strength, with all I am
I will seek to honor His commands
I pledge allegiance to the Lamb

I have heard how Christians long ago
Were brought before a tyrants throne
They were told that he would spare their lives
If they would renounce the name of Christ

But one by one, they chose to die
The Son of God, they would not deny
Like a great angelic choir sings
I can almost hear their voices ring

I pledge allegiance to the Lamb
With all my strength, with all I am
I will seek to honor His commands
I pledge allegiance to the Lamb

Now, the years have come and the years have gone
And the 'cause of Jesus still goes on
Now, our time has come to count the cost
To reject this world, to embrace the Cross

And one by one let us live our lives
For the One who died to give us life
Till the trumpet sounds on the final day
Let us proudly stand and boldly say

I pledge allegiance to the Lamb
With all my strength, with all I am
I will seek to honor His commands
I pledge allegiance to the Lamb

To the Lamb of God who bore my pain
Who took my place, who wore my shame
I will seek to honor His commands
I pledge allegiance to the Lamb

I pledge allegiance to the Lamb
With all my strength, with all I am
I will seek to honor His commands
I pledge allegiance to the Lamb
 

  I love the song, but it is convicting. The thought has come to be before, and has come back with the reading from my devotional today: How dare I complain about my struggles in the face of the persecution so many Christians have faced and are facing?

 Yes, I suffer:
I suffer loneliness.

I suffer a lack of having someone to love and be intimate with

I suffer a lack of sexual release (when I am living as I should)

I suffer struggling not to look and lust when I see nice looking guys. Something made worse when they aren't fully clothed.

I suffer ridicule from those who embrace the lifestyle and those who think I should

I suffer from judgment and Pharisaical attitudes from Christians who think my struggle is the worst sin ever.

I suffer from depression and feelings of worthlessness associated with and that are "perks" of struggling with SSA.

I suffer from the desire of giving up and living for the flesh instead of God. Of taking the easy way through life, not the hard way.

I suffer from no one in my life understanding what I deal with and go through.

Yes, I suffer.

  But would I trade my sufferings and trials for sitting in a prison cell for my faith? Would I rather be thrown in an arena to face lions for my faith? Would I rather be burned at the stake? To have a whip laid across my back over and over in an attempt to get me to deny Jesus? If given a choice, I'll take the SSA.

  When we come to Jesus, He doesn't promise an easy life or a road that will be a cakewalk. His Word promises us trials, persecution, temptations, etc. But He promised to be there to help us through whatever we face. He promised a way out of temptation. He promised us Heaven if we are faithful.

 But yet all Christians, and we who deal with SSA are surprised and shocked when things get rough. We act like we should be the exception. Sure, people are suffering all over, some dying for their faith, but we should have it easy. We shouldn't struggle or face temptations and loneliness.

 I don't intend to be harsh or unsympathetic, for I am talking to myself when I say this, but if we can't refuse the temptations to deny Jesus in the face of temptations to view porn, if we can so easily let God down for a hot body and cute face, then if we ever face true persecution for our faith, how on earth will we stand then? If it is burning at the stake or denying Jesus, if it is facing lions or turning our back on God, if it means giving up on God or face loved ones killed in front of our eyes........ what will we do? If we are so soft and prone to falling to lusting, sex with guys, and pornography, do we really think we can stand in the face of what many Christians have faced and are facing?

 As my friend said, guys like us can't be mediocre. And I have been. I have tried to serve God with one hand still on my gay identity and on porn. Like Frodo in the Lord of the Rings final moments, I have a hard time truly giving up the very things that are bad for me.

 If we are honest, most of us who struggle with SSA don't try hard enough. We aren't as close to God as we should be. We spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves and silently agreeing with Satan when he whispers it isn't fair of God to expect us to be celibate, to turn our backs on what feels so normal to us.

 It is time I and my brothers and sisters who carry this cross, get serious about serving God and nailing our desires and former lives to the cross. It won't be easy, but it will be easier than facing lions, imprisonment, or other things so many face.

 It may mean praying more
Reading our Bible more
Being more transparent
Removing some things from our lives that could trip us and hinder us

 That isn't an exhaustive list. I can see things I need to work on, places for improvement in my life if I want to get serious about this serving God and truly forsaking homosexuality, lust, and pornography.

 I am not discounting what we face. I get how difficult it is to serve God and not give into the desires that I have, desires that sometimes rage through me and make it seem impossible to be the man I should be - a man who follows God's will, not my own.

  But all things are possible with God. Sometimes we may feel we are trying as hard as we can, that we are doing all we should do........ and the battle may rage its worst even then.......but that is no time to lay down our weapons, to let down our guard. That is the time we run fast and hard toward the God who saved us, who died for us. To hit our knees and tell Him we can't take it anymore. And He will make a way. He promised.

  As this new year spreads out before us, I trust I and others who are dealing with the same things as I do, strive to be extreme men and women of God and leave mediocrity behind. We cannot rest, we cannot let down our guard. We have not been given an easy cross to bear, but with His help we can bear it. But it may take all we have, and it will take more dependence on Him, more dependence and transparency with others, and extreme devotion.

Just give it up

 

I just watched The Lord of the Rings Movies. All three of them in one week, and the second and third in one evening. I had watched the first about 10 years ago, but had forgotten most of it. They are my best friend's favorite movies and he is always raving about them, so I decided to give them a try. My immediate thoughts:

1) The movies are long. Really long. I didn't think the third one would ever end.

2) There sure is a lot of fighting in the movies.

3) There is a lot of climbing in the movies.

4) Plot summary: A lot of fighting and climbing just to get rid of a ring.

5) If you cut out most of the fighting and climbing, the movie could have been cut down to one movie an hour and a half in length.

  I am being mostly facetious, though I do think they could have been cut down a bit in length. And to think my best friend watched the extended versions. I asked what the difference is, more fighting? :)

 On a serious note, the last movie especially resonated with me. If you haven't watched them and intend to, there are a few spoilers here, but get real.... you know going into the first movie that Frodo will succeed in destroying the ring. So here are a few serious thoughts:

  1) The part that hit me the hardest was when Frodo and Sam had finally and against all odds, made it to the end of their very long destination. Frodo stood at the edge of the cliff with the fires below that will destroy it. This was the whole purpose of his journey, to throw the ring into the fire, and he froze. As Sam kept yelling for him to just throw it in, he froze. Then the power of  the ring got to him and he put it on and turned invisible.

  One can read too much into movies and comparisons and allegory doesn't always follow the whole way through, but when I was watching that scene, I had some thoughts hit me: I am the same way with porn and the gay stuff. I stand on the edge of God's grace and forgiveness, of having a true relationship with Him, but I can't let go of the porn and gay identity. Just as Frodo held onto the ring when he knew he needed to throw it in the fire, when he knew it would destroy him if he didn't destroy it, I have held onto those things instead of throwing them aside.

2) Gollum/Smegal. Could this creature have been any creepier? In the final movie, we see him when the ring is first found. He kills his friend so he can have the ring, and it turns him from a normal and nice-looking young guy into a ugly horrid creature addicted to the ring. I saw some similarities there also. If we who struggle with homosexuality, porn and lust are totally honest, we know what it does to us. It tears us apart emotionally, mentally, spiritually.....it can hurt us financially, rip apart our families, cause us to lose jobs, health, and more. And for some guys, the losses have been great. Some of us are fortunate not to have lost as much as others have, but there is always loss, there is always a cost. And yet many of us keep going back.


  The Lord of the Rings Trilogy is about a young man on quest to destroy a very powerful ring. A ring that can destroy the world if in the wrong hands. Those who let the ring take over them lead terrible lives because of the ring. As I said, similarities with our struggles don't line up the whole way through all 9+ hours of The Lord of the Rings movies, but there are similarities, and it was a sobering reminder that I can't hold onto what is ultimately hurting me, or I am just like Frodo travelling all of those miles, facing all kinds of danger, only to hold onto the ring at the moment he had the chance to do what he had been working toward: throwing the ring into the fire.

Fall happenings

I haven't blogged on here for a while, and to be honest, I didn't want to post something depressing.

  My depression has been pretty bad the last couple of months. I'm not sure what made it get worse, other than I have been worrying a lot about the future and wondering if I can ever get out on my own again. Also, living in a house under construction for the last few months has been harder than I thought it would be. Clutter, noise, guys working every day, obstacle courses in every room not being worked on...... and the list goes on. It has been enough to drive anyone up a wall. And it very likely added to my depression. And the realization winter isn't far away..... I am always more depressed and down during the winter months.

  Not sure where I am with God. I've never ascribed to the once-saved, always saved theology, as I see holes in it, yet I see holes in how I have lived my life - feeling I had to get saved all over again when I fall.

  I haven't acted out sexually for a long time. However, porn is still a battle. I do use Covenant Eyes, but I have found my ways, unfortunately.

 However, I haven't totally given up. I am still praying every day, for myself and for others. In the past, I'd have quit praying and given up completely. But that was before I grasped that God does love me. I am also reading my Bible and/or a devotional every day. I don't want to go back to where I used to be, even if I am falling to porn occasionally.

  I have been blogging pretty regularly on my public blog where I am me, and not "Luke", which is good for me. I don't quite feel hopeless, but am very discouraged by life in general, and not so much my sexual struggles. odd as that may sound.

  Hooking up still isn't much of a temptation for me. Lust is. There are days when it seems half of the people who come in where I work are attractive young guys. And it is hard not to look and lust.

 I am thankful I am not hooking up all the time like I used to, and am trying to have faith that God can get me to where I need to be, and help me make it through the labyrinth of life/

Contact form

  I just added a contact form on my blog. It is on the right side, way at the bottom. I have had a couple of guys want to contact me, so I added that. Just for the record, nothing will show on the blog. I will get an email with the message and your email address if you do contact me.

August

   I haven't been blogging on here much at all lately, as I have been blogging more on my non-anonymous blog, but felt the need to blog on here today.

  Things aren't going well. My depression is back pretty bad. Life seems hopeless, and I feel more like a failure than I ever have. I am lonely, yet I need time alone that I can never seem to get. I'm sick of living with my parents, but can see no way out. The money I was saving up to hopefully get my own place got drained by replacing things damaged when a tree fell on the house back in June, and I am wondering if the insurance will ever give it back.

  With the work going on the house, I am still staying in the basement, and my parents in a trailer/camper in the driveway, but they spend all daylight hours in the little bit of the house we can be in, so I am around them even more. Most days I wish I could just disappear. I honestly see no way of my making it through life on my own. I am making more money than I ever made at a job, but in today's economy, is isn't enough. Even if I could afford a very small apartment and cram my stuff in it, I am going to soon need a new car, and that doesn't leave room for medical and dental stuff. No one knows how scared I am of just trying to live.

  I feel more like a failure than I ever have before in life. I can't lose weight, I can't make it on my own, I feel more dependent on my parents than I did as a kid. The house construction is driving me crazy living in such a mess.

  I had plans to go away for the week-end to visit my sister, but due to a death, I had to cancel, and have no idea when I can try again. It sounds selfish, but it hit me hard. I so needed to get away. Every little thing throws me for a loop and I feel so inadequate. I find myself wishing again that I could kill myself, though I never would. I believe it is incredibly selfish and is a one way ticket straight to hell.

  Being a Christian doesn't make everything OK or work out. I am disappointed in life, and loathe myself. I feel worthless and hopeless. Life is just a cycle of work, sleep, and eat.

  I find myself comparing myself to young, cute, in shape guys and feel so different and not at all what a man should be.

  I am tired of asking people to pray for me. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I can't change, but at this point in life if I decided to go gay, no one would want me anyway.

 I am friends with guys who have come so far with their same-sex struggles and have ministries, blogs, etc where they help people, and I can't do anything.

 I am tired of trying to be a Christian. I can't even do it right.

Life just keeps flying by, and nothing ever changes. I am just as screwed up as I was at the beginning of summer, and summer is almost over. And winter will be here before I know it, the season I hate and am more depressed during it.

I wish I could pause life or get off the merry go round for a while, but I have to keep getting up, going to work, and surviving, no matter what. That's my life. Surviving.

July stuff

 

It has been a while since I blogged on here, so I thought I should do a quick post in case anyone is watching my blog and wondering how things are going. Things are so-so. Depression has been pretty bad lately, and there are a few reasons it has gotten worse. I'm not sure what to do about it. I got tired of trying more and more expensive pills that didn't work the last time it was bad. It isn't as bad as it was before, as it isn't interfering as much with my reading and general living.

  One problem I have is worry. I worry a lot about the future. And I do mean a lot. It could be a lack of trusting God, but I do believe it is more of a lack of faith and trust in myself. I still don't believe I can support myself and make it through life, and it terrifies me to think about it. I hate living with my parents, but I am afraid to try it on my own, not that I am financially ready for that yet anyway.

  To add to everything, a freak storm came through my town a few weeks ago and did a lot of damage....... including a tree on the house and several appliances getting fried, so life has been hectic here.

   Temptation wise, things haven't been too bad. I have seen my share of shirtless guys and did look, but the temptation to hook up has been very low, and that is a big thing for me. Some days I feel like giving up, and feel I am failing God more than not, but I am still plugging along. Slowly, but plugging along.