Book and website suggestion

 I ran onto an interesting and helpful website a few weeks ago: Your Other Brothers. It is run by a handful of guys who struggle with same-sex attractions. They have posted some interesting and helpful articles, and you can have them sent to your email.

  One of the guys who writes for the website, Kevin Frye, has written a book titled "Thy Will Be Done:  Sexual Orientation in the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth". Unfortunately, it is available only as an e-book on Smashwords..... and I am not an e-book fan......... but I spend the $7.99 for the e-book and read  through it pretty quickly. The author addresses some issues I had never considered and takes an approach most authors on this subject do not take. I highly recommend it.

The truth shall set you free

I did something yesterday that I never thought I would do. I outted myself on my regular blog where everyone knows who I am. The blog that people from my church and family read..... and it felt good. I have been so open on there that a person would have to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal to not know what I struggle with, but I had never actually came out and said that I struggle with same-sex attraction until yesterday.

  When I first realized I was gay 25 years ago, that is the last thing I would have done. I told a few people early on, but for years I was desperate to keep it hidden from most people. I truly never dreamed that one day I wouldn't care who knew and that I'd publish it on a blog where people know who I am.

  It has been immensely freeing. I had become so open about it and have told so many people, that the weight from my secret has been lifting somewhat over the last couple of years. This however, was like stepping totally out of the shadows into the light. Having to hide my struggle for so long gave the devil an edge, and carrying a secret of that magnitude got very heavy.

  What changed? I am not sure I could put my finger on anything specific, and it is likely the combination of a few things:

1) The general attitude towards homosexuality and gay people has dramatically shifted since my realization I was gay. Sure, the church has a long way to go, but it has even shifted among many Christians

2) The more people I told, the easier it got. I realized people who are my true friends are going to accept me and not be scared away by even that.

3) In more recent years, I have come into contact with more guys that struggle with same-sex attraction and are living for God and not their sexuality. I have become involved in ministries for gay people and some Facebook groups. Many of these men (and women) are completely open about their struggles. At first I envied them, and eventually I realized if they could do it; why couldn't I?

  There may be other contributing factors, but it doesn't really matter what brought me to this point. I am just glad I am here.

  The Bible says that the truth will set you free, and it does. As I have become more and more open about what I struggle with, it has slowly lost its hold on me. I don't believe that is coincidental. Sin thrives in the dark and in secret, but when something like same-sex attraction is dragged out into the light; it does start to lose the hold it has on a person.

  My two blogs will most likely never meet. I am not worried about people on here finding out who I am in real life; but there are things I have posted on here that I wouldn't want the people who do know me to see. This blog has given me the anonymity where I could talk about how many guys I have been with, how many times I have fallen and gone back to the hook-ups, etc. Those are things I will never tell most people.

  I will try to keep up with both blogs. This was originally intended to be a place where I could openly and honestly talk about my struggles without people who know me reading it. There have been many posts where I felt hopeless. There have been more posts when I was down than up, but I was always honest no matter where I was at with God and my struggles.

There have been guys who contacted me to let me know my blog helped them and they corresponded for a while; only to drop off. I have no idea how many people regularly read this.....maybe no one regularly reads it.

  Much has changed since I started this blog. I have changed a lot, and the struggle isn't much of a struggle anymore. I will try to post on here with some sort of regularity, but I do post on my other blog more often. If someone is a regular reader of this blog and would like to check my other one out, contact me and I'll send you the link.

Don we now our gay apparel

 The line in the well known "Deck the Halls" has amused me for years: "don we now our gay apparel." The song originated in the 1800's, long before the word "gay" was hijacked to mean something entirely different from its long standing meaning of happy. I cannot hear the song without my mind going to the modern day meaning.

  I have no gay apparel, nor have I ever owned any. But I have worn the gay identity. There are  Christians who feel it is OK to keep the gay label even though they are not living that lifestyle. Many of them identify as gay celibate Christians. Others claim to be gay Christians and do not live a celibate lifestyle.

  There has been much argument and discussion over Christians using the gay label who have walked away from the gay lifestyle. Some feel it doesn't matter, others feel it does matter and should not be used, and some have no opinion. I fall into the category that I feel we should not use it if we are truly a Christian, and not one who is claiming to be but living the gay lifestyle.

My reasons:

  1) Gay has become more than a description of men who are attracted to men. It is an identity. The out and proud make everything revolve around their being gay. It is what and who they are, not just one part of them. Why would any Christian want to use that term when it means so much to those living for that?

  2) If we say we are gay Christians, the world and most Christians are going to assume we are living the gay lifestyle. Sure, you can tack on the celibate part, but they still won't get the whole picture.

  3) Our identity should be in Christ, not in the gay identity

  4) No one else attaches their former sin to their Christian identity. We don't have Christian thieves, Christian rapists, Christian drug addicts, Christian adulterers, etc..... so why should we who deal with same-sex attraction do it?

  5) I may be wrong, but I would think wearing the gay label would make it harder to truly leave all of that behind.

  6) Gay does mean happy, and true happiness cannot be found in the gay lifestyle, so why would a Christian want to buy into that fallacy?

  It is just an old Christmas song, but it does give me pause and determination not to hold onto any of the gay identity or lifestyle. I want to be a Christian..... not a gay Christian.

Messy Grace

I just read an amazing book this week: Messy Grace by Caleb Kaltenbach. The author was raised by two gay parents, shuffling back and forth between his in the closet gay dad and his out of the closet lesbian mother and her lover. He grew up hating Christians because he saw how many of them treated gay people.

 In the book, he deals with how Christians need to treat gay people. He also addresses the truth that homosexuality is wrong, and has a great section on how to live as a Christian with same-sex attractions. I highly recommend it for anyone: Christian, gay, struggler, and anyone else.

October update

   My relationship with God has been a bit rocky lately. Partly in fact to my depression acting up, as it always does when colder weather starts setting in, but thankfully it isn't as bad as it has been before.

  I have also been up and down a bit with porn. I am on what I call the cycle right now. I buy my "props", for lack of a better word, indulge in porn for a day or two, feel guilty and throw everything out. repent, and go without for a week. I keep trying to remind myself of how I feel after I binge, so hopefully I can end the cycle for good. I even put a filter on my pc, but found a way around it. I have it on some of my devices, but not my main pc.

  I can't remember when I last hooked up, but I think it has been at least a year. Time has been going by so fast, and I can't pinpoint exactly when it was, but I am pretty sure it has been at least a year. Summer was rough with temptations of lust, but there wasn't much temptation to hook up with anyone. As I mentioned before, my main temptation has been to go to bathhouses, and the times I can do that are rare because of my living arrangements. The last time I could have gone, I got violently sick, which may or may not have been God...... but I am leaning towards the idea that it was.

  I would like to do more on this blog, but am not sure what to blog about. It is sad that I tend to blog more when I am struggling most, but I would like to post encouraging things once in a while in case anyone happens on my blog who also struggles with SSA.

  For now, I will just do this update for anyone who does read my blog.

Homosexuality is a sin - a reply to Jerry and Michelle

 

I am a bit amused when people try to argue on here about homosexuality not being a sin. Believe me, as someone who has struggled with same-sex attractions, and has given into those desires too many times and for too many years....... I have searched, prayed, read, plead with God, and more to in hopes that it was really OK.

  I have lived it and felt the guilt from God, not guilt from Christians or self imposed guilt. When God is dealing with you on something, you know it is God. I am thankful God never let me go over to where I believed it was OK, which has happened to people.

 On September 29, Jerry wrote on a blog post I posted the article The Exodus of the Gospel from Exodus by Matt Moore:  "The Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John show us that neither Jesus nor anyone who walked with him during his life, spoke against homosexuality." So, Jerry, by your thinking, incest, bestiality, sex with children as long as they are OK with it, forgery, and a host of other sins and crimes are OK that Jesus didn't specifically mention in the Bible. Your argument is one of the weakest, no offense intended. The whole Bible is God's Word, and Jesus said that He and the Father are one..... so technically Jesus did say homosexuality is wrong other places in the Bible.

  Michelle wrote on October 20 in reply to my blog post "My reply to John on Ray Boltz. Kirk Talley, and the struggle:  "I think you will have some difficulty finding scientific studies that say life experiences make people gay. I agree with"John" that it's a good thing God is our judge and not men. True seekers of God don't find a comfort in living a false spiritual life. The Holy Spirit is drawing us in. If you continue both ignoring your own sense of acceptance AND the guiding of the Spirit you will believe the lie and be damned. It's not the same. I believe I will see that man's son.in Heaven."

  Michelle: Yes, God is our judge, and that should scare the dickens out of any of us. And since when was it judging to call a sin what the Bible says is a sin? Is it a sin to call robbery, murder, child molestation, etc,. a sin? Of course not...... and the same Bible that condemns those, would also condemn living in homosexual sin. As for science: conservative studies have been done to prove what you say can't be proven. Maybe you need to broaden your thinking.

  And how dare you accuse me of judging when I say homosexuality is wrong?? I have lived it.... I am guessing you have not. God has saved me and delivered me from the sin of homosexuality. Do I still have the attractions? Yes, but thank God He has delivered me from whoring out my body for a few minutes of pleasure.

September thoughts..... and a note to Bruno

 I love summer and warmer weather in general, but it has been tough to not lust with the extra amount of male flesh shown during the summer. I had the thoughts of winter coming, but at least with cooler weather, some of the temptation is removed.

  Thankfully, I am still not experiencing much temptation to hook up. As I stated previously, I am tempted to go to gay bath houses, but given my living circumstances and a overly suspicious mother, that is rarely a possibility...... and the temptation for that is rare. Lusting.....yeah. Porn.....yep, but hooking up is barely a blip on my radar anymore. And that is a miracle in and of itself, doing no disservice to the meaning of miracle. There were times in my life when I hooked up with a different guy almost every day of the week. I have no idea how many guys I have been with, but the number has to be at least over 300.

  And that has been an area of thankfulness for me lately. I have had a few issues and close calls with health issues because of my promiscuity, but I remain HIV free...... and there were many times I just took a guy's word for it that he was clean before engaging in risky sexual behaviors. It also gives me hope that God may still have a plan for my life. I have wondered as badly as I have screwed up, and as many times I have wandered off and did my own thing if God could ever use me for anything. And it seems all I do is work, sleep, and warm a pew on Sundays...... but God is all knowing and knew before I ever started down the road I was on where I would end up..... so yeah, I believe He can still use me and still has a plan for my life.

  My battle lately still has been with porn, but the falls are coming farther apart and when I cave, I don't stay down as long. In the past, I'd totally give up and just go back to it all, but now I come to my senses faster and repent and go from where I got up from. I don't want to minimize a fall to porn or lust, but the days of beating myself up over it and wallowing in guilt are over. I am slowly realizing how quick and eager God is to forgive us. As the line in a song I love says "I don't believe He's sitting up in Heaven, evaluating sinners by their scars. But I see Him excited to forgive us, and it's not at all in spite of who we are." It took me years to realize I don't have to beg Him to forgive me. He is excited to forgive me...... He loves to forgive.

  I also have quit castigating myself for noticing guys are hot or cute. There is a line to cross to lust, which is wrong, but just as it is not wrong for a guy to notice a woman is attractive, neither is it wrong for a man to notice. One just needs to stop before it turns to lust.

  I recently found out that some of my coworkers know I am gay. Long story, but in a nutshell I did a blog post on my public blog that got a lot of arguing on Facebook about homosexuality being right or wrong.... I stayed out of it, but a few of my coworkers were in on it from the pro-gay side. One coworker and I were chatting about it on Facebook, and he asked if I'd feel differently if I was gay. I took a breath and replied "I am."  He replied that they all knew....a shocker for me. He wanted to know why I'd never told him, and I told him I didn't figure they'd understand my being gay yet feeling the need to be celibate. It was an interesting thing to find out. I am to the point I don't worry about people knowing, but I didn't know how they'd treat me if they knew.... and here they knew.

  Everything in my life is not the way I want it to be yet, but I am trying to trust God - something that has never been a strong point for me - and wait on Him. My prayer is that He will help me to love Him, do His will, and that He'd direct my path.

  In my last blog post, a gentleman commented. Bruno, if you're reading this, I am praying for you. I don't know your story, only what you said in your comment, but I urge you to get some help.  I recommend contacting Hope for Wholeness by phone at 864.583.7606. If you are uncomfortable with that, I can get you an email address to contact them. It is a ministry for guys like us. I know them personally, and they are great people. The guy who runs it, McKrae Game would be happy to talk to you by phone or email.

  I never tried to kill myself, but I thought about it and wished a lot. This isn't an easy road, but it is worth it, and I hope you can find a way out. If you don't want to call them, use the contact form towards the bottom of my sidebar to contact me and I will find you another way to contact them. Regardless, I will be praying for you. Thanks for commenting,