Don we now our gay apparel

 The line in the well known "Deck the Halls" has amused me for years: "don we now our gay apparel." The song originated in the 1800's, long before the word "gay" was hijacked to mean something entirely different from its long standing meaning of happy. I cannot hear the song without my mind going to the modern day meaning.

  I have no gay apparel, nor have I ever owned any. But I have worn the gay identity. There are  Christians who feel it is OK to keep the gay label even though they are not living that lifestyle. Many of them identify as gay celibate Christians. Others claim to be gay Christians and do not live a celibate lifestyle.

  There has been much argument and discussion over Christians using the gay label who have walked away from the gay lifestyle. Some feel it doesn't matter, others feel it does matter and should not be used, and some have no opinion. I fall into the category that I feel we should not use it if we are truly a Christian, and not one who is claiming to be but living the gay lifestyle.

My reasons:

  1) Gay has become more than a description of men who are attracted to men. It is an identity. The out and proud make everything revolve around their being gay. It is what and who they are, not just one part of them. Why would any Christian want to use that term when it means so much to those living for that?

  2) If we say we are gay Christians, the world and most Christians are going to assume we are living the gay lifestyle. Sure, you can tack on the celibate part, but they still won't get the whole picture.

  3) Our identity should be in Christ, not in the gay identity

  4) No one else attaches their former sin to their Christian identity. We don't have Christian thieves, Christian rapists, Christian drug addicts, Christian adulterers, etc..... so why should we who deal with same-sex attraction do it?

  5) I may be wrong, but I would think wearing the gay label would make it harder to truly leave all of that behind.

  6) Gay does mean happy, and true happiness cannot be found in the gay lifestyle, so why would a Christian want to buy into that fallacy?

  It is just an old Christmas song, but it does give me pause and determination not to hold onto any of the gay identity or lifestyle. I want to be a Christian..... not a gay Christian.

Messy Grace

I just read an amazing book this week: Messy Grace by Caleb Kaltenbach. The author was raised by two gay parents, shuffling back and forth between his in the closet gay dad and his out of the closet lesbian mother and her lover. He grew up hating Christians because he saw how many of them treated gay people.

 In the book, he deals with how Christians need to treat gay people. He also addresses the truth that homosexuality is wrong, and has a great section on how to live as a Christian with same-sex attractions. I highly recommend it for anyone: Christian, gay, struggler, and anyone else.

October update

   My relationship with God has been a bit rocky lately. Partly in fact to my depression acting up, as it always does when colder weather starts setting in, but thankfully it isn't as bad as it has been before.

  I have also been up and down a bit with porn. I am on what I call the cycle right now. I buy my "props", for lack of a better word, indulge in porn for a day or two, feel guilty and throw everything out. repent, and go without for a week. I keep trying to remind myself of how I feel after I binge, so hopefully I can end the cycle for good. I even put a filter on my pc, but found a way around it. I have it on some of my devices, but not my main pc.

  I can't remember when I last hooked up, but I think it has been at least a year. Time has been going by so fast, and I can't pinpoint exactly when it was, but I am pretty sure it has been at least a year. Summer was rough with temptations of lust, but there wasn't much temptation to hook up with anyone. As I mentioned before, my main temptation has been to go to bathhouses, and the times I can do that are rare because of my living arrangements. The last time I could have gone, I got violently sick, which may or may not have been God...... but I am leaning towards the idea that it was.

  I would like to do more on this blog, but am not sure what to blog about. It is sad that I tend to blog more when I am struggling most, but I would like to post encouraging things once in a while in case anyone happens on my blog who also struggles with SSA.

  For now, I will just do this update for anyone who does read my blog.

Homosexuality is a sin - a reply to Jerry and Michelle

 

I am a bit amused when people try to argue on here about homosexuality not being a sin. Believe me, as someone who has struggled with same-sex attractions, and has given into those desires too many times and for too many years....... I have searched, prayed, read, plead with God, and more to in hopes that it was really OK.

  I have lived it and felt the guilt from God, not guilt from Christians or self imposed guilt. When God is dealing with you on something, you know it is God. I am thankful God never let me go over to where I believed it was OK, which has happened to people.

 On September 29, Jerry wrote on a blog post I posted the article The Exodus of the Gospel from Exodus by Matt Moore:  "The Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John show us that neither Jesus nor anyone who walked with him during his life, spoke against homosexuality." So, Jerry, by your thinking, incest, bestiality, sex with children as long as they are OK with it, forgery, and a host of other sins and crimes are OK that Jesus didn't specifically mention in the Bible. Your argument is one of the weakest, no offense intended. The whole Bible is God's Word, and Jesus said that He and the Father are one..... so technically Jesus did say homosexuality is wrong other places in the Bible.

  Michelle wrote on October 20 in reply to my blog post "My reply to John on Ray Boltz. Kirk Talley, and the struggle:  "I think you will have some difficulty finding scientific studies that say life experiences make people gay. I agree with"John" that it's a good thing God is our judge and not men. True seekers of God don't find a comfort in living a false spiritual life. The Holy Spirit is drawing us in. If you continue both ignoring your own sense of acceptance AND the guiding of the Spirit you will believe the lie and be damned. It's not the same. I believe I will see that man's son.in Heaven."

  Michelle: Yes, God is our judge, and that should scare the dickens out of any of us. And since when was it judging to call a sin what the Bible says is a sin? Is it a sin to call robbery, murder, child molestation, etc,. a sin? Of course not...... and the same Bible that condemns those, would also condemn living in homosexual sin. As for science: conservative studies have been done to prove what you say can't be proven. Maybe you need to broaden your thinking.

  And how dare you accuse me of judging when I say homosexuality is wrong?? I have lived it.... I am guessing you have not. God has saved me and delivered me from the sin of homosexuality. Do I still have the attractions? Yes, but thank God He has delivered me from whoring out my body for a few minutes of pleasure.

September thoughts..... and a note to Bruno

 I love summer and warmer weather in general, but it has been tough to not lust with the extra amount of male flesh shown during the summer. I had the thoughts of winter coming, but at least with cooler weather, some of the temptation is removed.

  Thankfully, I am still not experiencing much temptation to hook up. As I stated previously, I am tempted to go to gay bath houses, but given my living circumstances and a overly suspicious mother, that is rarely a possibility...... and the temptation for that is rare. Lusting.....yeah. Porn.....yep, but hooking up is barely a blip on my radar anymore. And that is a miracle in and of itself, doing no disservice to the meaning of miracle. There were times in my life when I hooked up with a different guy almost every day of the week. I have no idea how many guys I have been with, but the number has to be at least over 300.

  And that has been an area of thankfulness for me lately. I have had a few issues and close calls with health issues because of my promiscuity, but I remain HIV free...... and there were many times I just took a guy's word for it that he was clean before engaging in risky sexual behaviors. It also gives me hope that God may still have a plan for my life. I have wondered as badly as I have screwed up, and as many times I have wandered off and did my own thing if God could ever use me for anything. And it seems all I do is work, sleep, and warm a pew on Sundays...... but God is all knowing and knew before I ever started down the road I was on where I would end up..... so yeah, I believe He can still use me and still has a plan for my life.

  My battle lately still has been with porn, but the falls are coming farther apart and when I cave, I don't stay down as long. In the past, I'd totally give up and just go back to it all, but now I come to my senses faster and repent and go from where I got up from. I don't want to minimize a fall to porn or lust, but the days of beating myself up over it and wallowing in guilt are over. I am slowly realizing how quick and eager God is to forgive us. As the line in a song I love says "I don't believe He's sitting up in Heaven, evaluating sinners by their scars. But I see Him excited to forgive us, and it's not at all in spite of who we are." It took me years to realize I don't have to beg Him to forgive me. He is excited to forgive me...... He loves to forgive.

  I also have quit castigating myself for noticing guys are hot or cute. There is a line to cross to lust, which is wrong, but just as it is not wrong for a guy to notice a woman is attractive, neither is it wrong for a man to notice. One just needs to stop before it turns to lust.

  I recently found out that some of my coworkers know I am gay. Long story, but in a nutshell I did a blog post on my public blog that got a lot of arguing on Facebook about homosexuality being right or wrong.... I stayed out of it, but a few of my coworkers were in on it from the pro-gay side. One coworker and I were chatting about it on Facebook, and he asked if I'd feel differently if I was gay. I took a breath and replied "I am."  He replied that they all knew....a shocker for me. He wanted to know why I'd never told him, and I told him I didn't figure they'd understand my being gay yet feeling the need to be celibate. It was an interesting thing to find out. I am to the point I don't worry about people knowing, but I didn't know how they'd treat me if they knew.... and here they knew.

  Everything in my life is not the way I want it to be yet, but I am trying to trust God - something that has never been a strong point for me - and wait on Him. My prayer is that He will help me to love Him, do His will, and that He'd direct my path.

  In my last blog post, a gentleman commented. Bruno, if you're reading this, I am praying for you. I don't know your story, only what you said in your comment, but I urge you to get some help.  I recommend contacting Hope for Wholeness by phone at 864.583.7606. If you are uncomfortable with that, I can get you an email address to contact them. It is a ministry for guys like us. I know them personally, and they are great people. The guy who runs it, McKrae Game would be happy to talk to you by phone or email.

  I never tried to kill myself, but I thought about it and wished a lot. This isn't an easy road, but it is worth it, and I hope you can find a way out. If you don't want to call them, use the contact form towards the bottom of my sidebar to contact me and I will find you another way to contact them. Regardless, I will be praying for you. Thanks for commenting,

A lesson learned

Summer is almost over and I have made it without hooking up, or really being tempted to hook up. I am still having a struggle with porn and lust, especially seeing shirtless guys everywhere I go, but even the porn isn't as strong of an addiction as it used to be.

  My main temptations with hooking up are going to bath houses. For some reason, that is a strong temptation for me, but due to my job hours and some other things in my life, it makes it too difficult to get away to one when the temptations do hit me.... but I am thankful that those don't happen much, and that I am rarely tempted to try to hook up with guys via hookup sites which I don't even use anymore. I have come a long way in that area, and am learning to be thankful for any progress.

  I have also been feeling closer to God lately. My relationship with Him has been in a sort of limbo for several months now, but I have been praying and reading a devotional that has Bible verses and also been reading the Bible some. A Calvinist would say I am definitely a Christian.... me, I am not so sure I am, at least not where I need to be with God, but I am getting there.

  I had an interesting experience last week at work. I work in a hospital, and a very nice looking young guy, age 29, was released from the psych holding area. He had come in wearing just boxers and shoes, so they gave him a nightgown that he was wearing as a jacket, open in the front with most of his amazing body for me to see as he sat in my line of sight. After he left, I found out he has a major drug problem and has been in and out of drug rehab centers all of his adult life..... and there I was envying him and lusting after him. I wouldn't want his life, and if he keeps up with the drugs, he won't look so hot and attractive later. It was a learning moment for me that I am going to try to hold on. One major component of same-sex attraction is envy.... looking at guys that are better looking and more well built, etc than we are and envying them and wishing we were like them or wishing we WERE them.... but only God knows what they are dealing with and struggling with, such as the case with this young man. It is sad he is living the life that he is living, but I am thankful God brought him across my path and gave me a teachable moment about envying nice looking guys.

Doing "manly" things

 There are many people who believe that men struggling with same-sex attractions need to get out and do "man stuff". Play sports, hang out with guys who are rough and tough, watch football games, etc. I have never liked that idea. Sports holds so many bad memories for me, and I have zero interest in them. It doesn't help that the last time I played a sport - softball - it went badly. A man from my church had guys come and play every week and my sports-infatuated brother-in-law talked me into going. My parents had just found out I was gay and it had not been a pretty scene, and the days following were my own private hell as I got lecture after lecture from my parents, demands to know where I was and what I was doing at all times..... and I was 28 years old.

  The man running the show was on my team. First he kept getting after me for how I stood when holding the bat, and how I held the bat. Then the outfield time came.....always my least favorite part of softball and baseball. I got put on 3rd base. A hitter came up and they said if the ball came towards short stop, to let the short stop get it.....it came closer to me, but I stepped back to let the short stop get it..... and got reamed out by the same guy. Without making a scene or even saying anything, I quietly walked off the field and watched the game until it was over. I vowed to never play another sport again, and sold my glove a yard sale that same summer. It felt like high school all over again. The idea that bullying is connected to sports was again reinforced.

  Fast forward to this past week. I have never been good with car maintenance. I can check fluids, add fluids, change my windshield wiper blades, and change a tire if I really have to. I tried changing my own oil once and didn't get the seal on right and made a mess.... so I just pay Walmart to change it. I "helped" my dad change my brake pads for years, and have paid a garage to do it the last few times, but I decided to try it solo. I bought the pads for the front, got the car jacked up, took off the tire and the brake pads were not the right ones. Short explanation: they changed some parts, at least brake pads, on my 2004 vehicle halfway through production, so I need the pads for a 2005 model instead. Not my fault or Autozone's, but still not a good start.

  I got the pads off OK, but had trouble getting the inside pad on. I was still struggling when my dad, the perfect one, came home. He got it on which frustrated me since I hadn't been able to do so. I eventually got the job done, taking longer than it should have, getting much dirtier and sweaty than I wanted, and was vowing to never do it again. I found myself saying things like "you never do anything right, you should have been a woman, a normal guy would have had this done long ago."

 I felt no sense of accomplishment, only frustration that it was difficult and took a long time.

 But Sunday was a different situation. I was home alone and had to make my own Sunday dinner. Sunday dinners have always been a big deal in our family. Meat, potatoes - usually mashed with gravy or noodles, vegetable, bread or rolls, and dessert. I bought some boneless, skinless chicken breasts and decided I was going to try something I had never done before: fried chicken, I cooked the chicken, poured oil in the electric skillet and heated it up, put the chicken in flour and shook the seasoning my mom makes and uses on it, and fried it. As it fried, I did a Stove Top stuffing mix and a chicken flavored rice mix which I added peas and chunked up chicken to. And it was good. Really good. I felt a sense of accomplishment and pride that I had successfully tried and made fried chicken.

  Doing the "manly" thing made me frustrated and brought feelings of inadequacy up inside of me. I felt less of a man for having a difficult time and it taking me so long, yet doing something in the kitchen made me proud and I felt good about myself.

  Maybe doing the manly thing works for some guys struggling with SSA. I myself feel I don't need to do things to make me feel inadequate and remind me of how unlike "normal" guys I am. Maybe we need to do what we feel comfortable doing, and if that is man stuff, then fine.

  But what is "manly" stuff? If a guy doesn't like sports, he is a sissy. If a woman likes sports, that is OK..... Most of what we consider man stuff wasn't even around in Bible times. Their definition of a man would differ a lot.

  Maybe I should just not worry about doing manly stuff, and focus on being what God wants in a man: humility, patience, temperance, long suffering, slow to anger, loving, tender, praying....taking up my cross and denying myself those things God doesn't want for me.

  The world has a warped view of what makes a man: cursing, drinking, trying drugs at least once, smoking, tattoos, 6-pack, having sex with every woman in sight... I'd rather live my life and be what God wants in a man, It may involve some man stuff, and it might not involve any at all, but I'd rather be what He wants me to be than to be the kind of man the world wants.....even if it is being an expert mechanic,

***Thanks to 4chg for your comments you have made. I have read them and you have given some great thoughts for me to think about. I appreciate it. God bless you, whoever you are :)