It isn't fair

I've muttered those words many times in relation to my struggles. I've yelled them at God. And it isn't.

It isn't fair that I am gay, not of my own choosing.
It isn't fair that I will never marry, never have kids.
It isn't fair that I am lonely.
It isn't fair that the Bible says it is wrong to be sexually with what I am sexually attracted to: other men.

It is really Adam and Eve's fault. Being gay isn't a sin. Being attracted to the same sex isn't a sin - lust and sex with the same sex is a sin. However, homosexuality is because of sin.

There is an over-used expression thrown around by Christians: "God didn't make Adam and Steve, He made Adam and Eve. It is overused, but true. In a perfect, sinless world, homosexuality wouldn't be present. Whether genetics play a part in it or not - which it may - had they not sinned, no one would have to deal with it. No disease, no sin, no mental issues, no sexual struggles. But they did sin, and we have that.

I've thought about this a lot. How could a loving God condemn me to a life of loneliness and celibacy for something that isn't my fault. Sound fair? Absolutely not. No wonder so many people are pushing aside or reasoning around what the Bible says about homosexuality. If you haven't been there, you can't understand it.

I am guilty - and I am sure others are - of thinking we have it the worst. And it IS bad. But then I look at people with problems that make mine look small.

Joni Eareckson Tada has long been an inspiration and convicting force to me. In 1967, she was paralyzed from the neck down in a diving accident. She has been in a wheel chair for longer than I have been alive. And yet she has accomplished so much, encouraged so many. God has used her in ways she never could have been used had she been whole.

Nick Vujicic is another. He is a 30-year-old man born with no limbs. No arms, no legs, just a foot. If you have never heard of him, google him. Watch his YouTube videos. He swims, surfs, goes all over the world speaking and encouraging people.

Those are just two people. I would imagine if you could give them a choice between their physical problems, and same-sex attraction, that they would take same-sex attractions. I would. Even having dealt with it all these years, I would still take what I deal with over being paralyzed or having no limbs.

Is it fair to Joni or Nick? Is it fair Joni will never walk, will always have to depend on others for almost everything? Is it fair Nick has no arms or legs? No, it isn't fair. But we don't live in a fair world. Fairness went out the window when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. They didn't just unleash sin on the world. They unleashed disease, unhappiness, evil, messed up lives and families........ and homosexuality. It doesn't seem fair. Everyone since then has been born with sin, has suffered in all sorts of ways because of the actions of two people.

Speaking of unfair...... the very Son of God, who had done no wrong, came here, was cruelly crucified and took on the sin of all the world, so we could be forgiven. Fair? No way. And if something wasn't unfair for Jesus Himself, then what on earth makes me think everything should be fair for me?

I haven't handled being gay very well for most of my life. There were times in my life when I had sex with a different guy 3-4 times a week. Sex became an addiction, never filling that empty spot inside. Never making the loneliness go away.

I tried to pray the gay away. I begged God to make me "normal", whatever normal is.

The day may never come when I am totally OK and at peace with being gay, but I have come to accept that I am gay. It is part of me. Only part of me. I don't want to do like so many and make that who and what I am. We are all God's creation, and when we lose sight of that, and make a small part of who we are to be what and who we are, we lose.

Gay? Part of me. I am also God's creation, a brother, son, friend, uncle, musician, reader......The others aren't wrong, but letting any one thing become who and what we are, and making our life revolve around it, is wrong.

 Yes, I have come to accept my "gayness,", but I still believe and realize sex between two people of the same gender is wrong. So how does one deal with that? Celibacy is hard, but many do it, and not all who do are gay. Is God able to help someone do it? I believe so. Maybe those who have tried and failed, as I have so many times, have not relied on Him enough, surrendered enough.

I don't claim to have all the answers. I'm not sure I have any of them. I wish I did. I look at the future and wonder how I can face a lonely life with no one to love........ wow. It doesn't seem fair, but not much in life is.