I have been feeling pretty down lately. Don't get me wrong, having a job helps a lot and I am nowhere near as depressed as I had been when I was unemployed. I like my job, I just wish I was able to get my own place, but that isn't going to happen for a while.
One reason I find it hard to walk away from homosexuality is loneliness. I've been lonely most of my life, and hooking up and porn helps with that, though temporarily. I'm not stupid enough to think its a good replacement for anything.
I've always had trouble making friends. Oh, I have people who would say they are my friends, but I don't have any contact with them outside of church or Facebook. Growing up, I was picked on a lot and never had many friends, no one that hung out with me. I never went to other boys' houses as a kid, I never sat with other boys at church nor hung out with them after church. I was a loner. All the boys in my life picked on me and bullied me at some point, even my cousins. To this day, I envy people who are good friends with their cousins. I'm not. Oh, I'm friends with many of them on Facebook, but we don't call or text, we don't hang out.
I can still remember when my sister closest to me in age got her driver's license. She and my other sister would go places and didn't want me to go. I get it that they were girls and wanted to go off together, but I was hurt...... not even my own siblings wanted me around. That came back years later when my youngest sister was dating and I tried to go with them a couple of times to shop.....they weren't official dates, but they didn't want me along, so I stayed home alone, hurting.
Even in Bible college I was pretty much a longer. Occasionally I'd go to town with a guy or two, but I hung out mostly by myself. For some reason, something that happened in college has been coming to my mind a lot lately, and this happened 20+ years ago...... I was at college on a week-end, not sure why, as I went home week-ends when I could. Some of my college mates were gathering Friday evening in the dining hall for games and pizza. I was going to down to play games, but was told it was a private party..... just for the kids that went to a certain church. I was crushed. I was lonely, and got shot down...... and that scene has been replaying in my mind a lot lately. I don't know why. Maybe the devil is trying to remind me as part of his plans to make me believe no one does like me.
I had such a low opinion of myself that I was afraid to try to be friends with anyone. I was extremely shy and withdrawn. Unfortunately, I got picked on some in college also, but not to the same extent. By the time I graduated, I had come out of my shell a lot, but it took me years to believe anyone could actually like me or be my friend.
I eventually made some friends that I hung out with some, from church and work. I longed for a best friend though. I was still scared to bug people, as I see it when I try to do something with someone. I finally found a best friend, but he was 400 miles away. We had a lot in common. After praying about it, and much against my controlling parents' wishes, I moved and he and I shared an apartment for 2 years.
I can't explain how great it was. I always had someone to go shopping with, someone who liked to browse bookstores as much as I did....my sexual temptations were at the lowest they had ever been. Oh, I still had them, but it wasn't as bad. I think for two reasons: having another guy to hang out with, and I was free from my parents' constant control and scrutiny.
Unfortunately, I got tired of the cold disapproval from my parents, plus I missed seeing my nieces and nephews on a frequent basis..... and it didn't help that my mom was going through depression and I felt guilty.... so I moved back.
I have been back for 5 years and 3 months, and it hasn't been a good 5 years. I have gone through bankruptcy, depression, gotten further from God than I have ever been, become more resentful of my parents even though I am stuck living in their basement..... and gotten more lonely. The friends I had before I moved seem to have dropped me. I see my friends 400 miles away more than I see friends that live here..... even ones I go to church with that I used to hang out with........they are like strangers.
The only people who want to hang out with me are people who don't go to my church, and people who don't go to church at all. I have 2 former co-workers who knows I am gay, both female. I have no idea how they figured out, but they did, and they would be all for me staying gay......but they also know I don't want to be gay, so we don't talk about it much, but is that the kind of people I should hang out with much? Pro-gay friends? Maybe not, but they do something no one at my church, no one I used to be friends with will do..... be my friend and meet me for lunch or shopping.
Should I be more outgoing in pursuing friendships? Maybe, but I am pretty much back to square one, or close to it, when I feel most people don't like me or consider me friend material. I don't even add people as friends on Facebook unless they send me a request.... I am afraid of rejection.
I went shopping yesterday and out to eat on my day off. It was fun and I enjoyed myself, but I found myself wishing I had someone with me, but there was no one to ask. So I did it alone.
There are times I am really tempted to chuck the whole God and church thing and try for a relationship with a guy. I do know this: if I walked away from it all and submerged myself in the gay lifestyle and culture, I would have friends...... more friends than I have going to church. I even had in an invite from my current co-workers to meet them at a restaurant last week. I was unable to go, but that doesn't happen with Christians.
I still have a best friend, but only see him once a year. I can email and talk on the phone, but I miss seeing him.
I really don't know what the answer is, but it sure seems going completely into the gay lifestyle would give me what God and the church can't: Friends to hang out with.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Enslaved to Porn: Why I Returned Again and Again to Pornography by Luke Gilkerson
Original article here, with a place for comments. Luke Gilkerson has something to do with Covenant Eyes. Hopefully he won't mind me posting his article here:
During a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden in 1973, robbers held several hostages for six long days. During this time a curious thing began to happen: the hostages began to show signs of sympathy for their captors. Even after the ordeal was over, one of the hostages later became good friends with one of the robbers.
The criminologist assigned to help police with the case coined the term “Stockholm Syndrome.” While there is considerable discussion surrounding the exact nature of this phenomenon, there have been several reported cases of the syndrome; some hostages seem to form powerful emotional attachments to their victimizers as an internal defense mechanism.
Wasn’t this the same group of people who groaned because of their slavery (Exodus 2:23)? Why, instead of remembering the cruelty of Egypt—the task masters, the heavy burdens, the centuries of toil making bricks under the hot sun, the ruthless slaughter of their children—did they remember pots of meat?
Something in me wanted to be addicted, wanted the slavery. Over the years, I’ve pondered why this is, and here are my observations…
That generation died in the wilderness because they did not trust in God.
It wasn’t that Egypt was better than the wilderness; rather, trusting the Egyptian slave masters was somehow easier than trusting God. Sure, Egypt was a cruel place, but at least it was a predictable place.
For me, it wasn’t that slavery to porn was all that desirable, but it was easier for me than trusting God. Sure, I knew the cruelty of the slave master’s rod, but at least in front of my computer screen he delivered predictable rations. In the wilderness of trust, however, I would be asked to die to my selfish demands and enter the unpredictability of following God’s Spirit.
In order to finally overcome my addiction to porn, I needed to confess my sin of unbelief.
When I was felt pathetically lonely, sitting at home while all my friends were out on dates with their beautiful wives, I longed for the rations porn would deliver, the temporary illusion of intimacy. But God was calling me to the trust Him as I entered the risk of godly intimacy with a real person. God can and will take all my relationships—even my failed ones—and use them to conform me to the image of his Son (Romans 8:29).
There were nights I felt genuinely angry at God for not giving me the spouse I so clearly “deserved” and the life I so desperately wanted. I would run back to the slavery of Egypt as my way of throwing a tantrum at God for not catering to my desires. “Fine, God, you won’t give me what I want. I’ll take it however I can get it.” But like a loving Father, God called me to stop acting like the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:29-31), acting like God “owed” me something. In the wilderness, God taught me that He does not relate to His children this way. As a Father, He know me better than I know myself. He knows exactly what blessings are best for me in His perfect timing. And like a loving Father, He spoke tenderly into my spirit, saying, “Everything I have is yours.”
I know until I get to that land, Egypt will still be in my blood. I still bear the scars of my former slave master’s whips. In my foggiest moment I will naturally be drawn to the memory of the pots of meat. But God feeds me with the heavenly manna of Christ’s broken body. He has given me a taste for milk and honey. And He has given me traveling companions that constantly remind me that we are on our way home.
During a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden in 1973, robbers held several hostages for six long days. During this time a curious thing began to happen: the hostages began to show signs of sympathy for their captors. Even after the ordeal was over, one of the hostages later became good friends with one of the robbers.
The criminologist assigned to help police with the case coined the term “Stockholm Syndrome.” While there is considerable discussion surrounding the exact nature of this phenomenon, there have been several reported cases of the syndrome; some hostages seem to form powerful emotional attachments to their victimizers as an internal defense mechanism.
Israel Longs for Egypt
By way of analogy, we can see Stockholm-like symptoms in the attitudes of the Israelites during their wilderness years. Only weeks after they watched God open the Red Sea, they were murmuring against God when they ran out of provisions. They thought about their life back in Egypt—the bread, the pots of meat (Exodus 16:1-3)—nothing like the scorching wilderness. Even after the revelation of God at Sinai, they said, “Would it not be better for us to go back to Egypt?” (Numbers 14:1-4).Wasn’t this the same group of people who groaned because of their slavery (Exodus 2:23)? Why, instead of remembering the cruelty of Egypt—the task masters, the heavy burdens, the centuries of toil making bricks under the hot sun, the ruthless slaughter of their children—did they remember pots of meat?
My Longing for Porn
I have been just as guilty of the same lunacy when it comes to my own habitual sins—like my love affair with pornography. Yes, in my sober moments I could see the ugliness of porn for what it was. But there were many times I rushed back to porn like a dog to its vomit. In the moment of indulgence, I was blind to the shame and oppressiveness of my addiction—or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that I saw the shame of it, but it somehow seemed less ugly to me.Something in me wanted to be addicted, wanted the slavery. Over the years, I’ve pondered why this is, and here are my observations…
Who Do You Trust?
God made Israel many promises of deliverance. If they trusted God, He would bring them out of slavery into a land of blessing. But “the message they heard did not benefit them, because they were not united by faith with those who listened” (Hebrews 4:2).That generation died in the wilderness because they did not trust in God.
It wasn’t that Egypt was better than the wilderness; rather, trusting the Egyptian slave masters was somehow easier than trusting God. Sure, Egypt was a cruel place, but at least it was a predictable place.
For me, it wasn’t that slavery to porn was all that desirable, but it was easier for me than trusting God. Sure, I knew the cruelty of the slave master’s rod, but at least in front of my computer screen he delivered predictable rations. In the wilderness of trust, however, I would be asked to die to my selfish demands and enter the unpredictability of following God’s Spirit.
In order to finally overcome my addiction to porn, I needed to confess my sin of unbelief.
Trusting God on My Way to the Promised Land
When I felt totally inadequate and rejected in life, it was easy to long for the “pots of meat” offered by pornography. There, in that fantasy world, I was never rejected. But God was calling me to repent of needing the approval of others, pursue His glory above all (1 Corinthians 10:31), and anticipate the glory He promises to those who trust Him (John 5:44). His approval is far better than the approval of women made of pixels on a screen.When I was felt pathetically lonely, sitting at home while all my friends were out on dates with their beautiful wives, I longed for the rations porn would deliver, the temporary illusion of intimacy. But God was calling me to the trust Him as I entered the risk of godly intimacy with a real person. God can and will take all my relationships—even my failed ones—and use them to conform me to the image of his Son (Romans 8:29).
There were nights I felt genuinely angry at God for not giving me the spouse I so clearly “deserved” and the life I so desperately wanted. I would run back to the slavery of Egypt as my way of throwing a tantrum at God for not catering to my desires. “Fine, God, you won’t give me what I want. I’ll take it however I can get it.” But like a loving Father, God called me to stop acting like the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:29-31), acting like God “owed” me something. In the wilderness, God taught me that He does not relate to His children this way. As a Father, He know me better than I know myself. He knows exactly what blessings are best for me in His perfect timing. And like a loving Father, He spoke tenderly into my spirit, saying, “Everything I have is yours.”
Longing for the Promised Land
The only thing that cures a longing for Egypt is a longing for the Promised Land. I need to begin believing that what God offers me, even in the unpredictability of following Him, was far better than the false promises of porn.I know until I get to that land, Egypt will still be in my blood. I still bear the scars of my former slave master’s whips. In my foggiest moment I will naturally be drawn to the memory of the pots of meat. But God feeds me with the heavenly manna of Christ’s broken body. He has given me a taste for milk and honey. And He has given me traveling companions that constantly remind me that we are on our way home.
Friday, September 20, 2013
A new blog
Here is the link of a new blog to check out that is from the perspective of a married guy that deals with SSA. I have never met him, but he has been very helpful and encouraging to me via emails: Saved Just As I Am.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
The big "M", and when the light came on
This isn't a topic talked about, as it is embarrassing and seems juvenile, but hey, this is an anonymous blog. However, if you are a woman, you may want to skip reading this blog post.
I discovered masturbation completely by accident when I was 13. My parents never talked to me about sex. Never. I learned at school. I can't remember anyone talking about masturbation. As a typical teenager, I got plenty of erections, and I'm not sure what led me to do it, and I won't get graphic, but it involved rubbing against a fuzzy blanket that felt good, and then bam.... it happened. It actually scared me - I was that naïve and clueless. That has been too long ago now to remember how I figured out what happened, but I kept at it. It took me a while and a sore penis before I discovered I didn't have to rub against a blanket, but could "jerk off." Regardless, I was addicted.
Even then, I loved to read, and started reading the romance novels that had sex scenes in. It wasn't long until I was reading just the sex scenes and masturbating to them. I always focused on the guy, not having a clue about my sexuality. I eventually ran across a couple of books that had male on male sex scenes, but even then things didn't click. By the way, I know there are a lot of women who profess to be Christians and read those kind of romances...... to me, they are porn. Porn does not have to be a video of people engaging in sex, but more on that later.....
I was soon addicted to masturbating. I soon had to have the books with sex scenes in them to get off. I instinctively felt the act was wrong, though no one ever talked about it. I was naïve enough to think I was abnormal and a freak for doing it. I'd go to the altar time after time to repent, only to fall back into it and give up. Most of my rocky and failed attempts at being a Christian in my teen years was due to masturbation. Looking back, I wonder if it was really sin. The books I eventually used were not good and set the stage for porn addiction later.
I went to Bible college, determined to kick the habit, only to fall into it immediately. I even bought my first porn magazine, Playboy, while I was in my freshman year, for after all porn was great to get off to........ but that was a miserable failure. It did nothing for me, and I was grossed out. Still clueless as to why.
I went the next couple of years in Bible college, dating a couple of girls and it going nowhere, still addicted to my secret habit. I was in my junior year of college, dating my second girlfriend, when it happened. I was taking a class on Biblical Ethics. We had to take a major issue of the day and write a term paper on. We had to get it approved. I picked the occult, but was shot down by the teacher. She said she had seen people get wrapped up in it innocently and didn't want to risk it. I don't know why, maybe subconsciously I was aware of my SSA, I asked about doing it on homosexuality. I can't remember her exact words, but she basically said yes, and she wasn't worried about my doing it on that. How wrong she was.
As with any term paper, I got several books on the subject to study up on it and start writing. I was somewhat shocked to realize what I was reading about described me. I was gay. It woke desires in me to do something about it. I got more books, finding some that had were pro-gay, then in a bookstore while home for the week-end, I found it: The Joy of Gay Sex, illustrated. I bought it, and became educated.
If I remember correctly, I broke up with my girlfriend in November of that year and surrendered to my same-sex attractions. I used my new book for my masturbation sessions, risking a lot by having it hidden in my dorm room on a conservative Bible campus.
My thinking at this time was that gay people went to hell, and I was doomed, so why fight it. I was scared to talk to anyone about it, so I dealt with it in silence. Later, I realized it is acting out and lust that is a sin, not just having the attractions/desires.
Three months after I broke up with my girlfriend, in February of 1990, I was again home for a break or the week-end. I was innocently browsing in a bookstore when I went down the one row and discovered to my shock: porn. That wasn't the biggest shock..... they had gay porn. Naïve guy that I was, I didn't know they had such a thing. There were some smaller magazines, Guidepost size, that were mainly erotic gay stories with some pictures. I picked a few up, and with what felt like a flaming red face, checked out and left the store.
Upon exiting the store, I was approached by a guy around my age for sex. He apparently kept an eye on the gay porn section and got sexual conquests that way, and I became another, and he became the first of many.
Over the years since, I have tried to quit and serve God so many times I have lost track long ago. The debate will never end on masturbation being right or wrong, but for me, it is wrong, and seemingly impossible to quit. It always leads to porn, then sex. For me, it isn't a matter of just getting off sexually. I need porn, then it snowballs.
If I could go back and talk to that 13 year old me, I'd warn me (him?) not to start down that road, though that isn't saying I wouldn't have got into gay sex. That may still have happened.
I discovered masturbation completely by accident when I was 13. My parents never talked to me about sex. Never. I learned at school. I can't remember anyone talking about masturbation. As a typical teenager, I got plenty of erections, and I'm not sure what led me to do it, and I won't get graphic, but it involved rubbing against a fuzzy blanket that felt good, and then bam.... it happened. It actually scared me - I was that naïve and clueless. That has been too long ago now to remember how I figured out what happened, but I kept at it. It took me a while and a sore penis before I discovered I didn't have to rub against a blanket, but could "jerk off." Regardless, I was addicted.
Even then, I loved to read, and started reading the romance novels that had sex scenes in. It wasn't long until I was reading just the sex scenes and masturbating to them. I always focused on the guy, not having a clue about my sexuality. I eventually ran across a couple of books that had male on male sex scenes, but even then things didn't click. By the way, I know there are a lot of women who profess to be Christians and read those kind of romances...... to me, they are porn. Porn does not have to be a video of people engaging in sex, but more on that later.....
I was soon addicted to masturbating. I soon had to have the books with sex scenes in them to get off. I instinctively felt the act was wrong, though no one ever talked about it. I was naïve enough to think I was abnormal and a freak for doing it. I'd go to the altar time after time to repent, only to fall back into it and give up. Most of my rocky and failed attempts at being a Christian in my teen years was due to masturbation. Looking back, I wonder if it was really sin. The books I eventually used were not good and set the stage for porn addiction later.
I went to Bible college, determined to kick the habit, only to fall into it immediately. I even bought my first porn magazine, Playboy, while I was in my freshman year, for after all porn was great to get off to........ but that was a miserable failure. It did nothing for me, and I was grossed out. Still clueless as to why.
I went the next couple of years in Bible college, dating a couple of girls and it going nowhere, still addicted to my secret habit. I was in my junior year of college, dating my second girlfriend, when it happened. I was taking a class on Biblical Ethics. We had to take a major issue of the day and write a term paper on. We had to get it approved. I picked the occult, but was shot down by the teacher. She said she had seen people get wrapped up in it innocently and didn't want to risk it. I don't know why, maybe subconsciously I was aware of my SSA, I asked about doing it on homosexuality. I can't remember her exact words, but she basically said yes, and she wasn't worried about my doing it on that. How wrong she was.
As with any term paper, I got several books on the subject to study up on it and start writing. I was somewhat shocked to realize what I was reading about described me. I was gay. It woke desires in me to do something about it. I got more books, finding some that had were pro-gay, then in a bookstore while home for the week-end, I found it: The Joy of Gay Sex, illustrated. I bought it, and became educated.
If I remember correctly, I broke up with my girlfriend in November of that year and surrendered to my same-sex attractions. I used my new book for my masturbation sessions, risking a lot by having it hidden in my dorm room on a conservative Bible campus.
My thinking at this time was that gay people went to hell, and I was doomed, so why fight it. I was scared to talk to anyone about it, so I dealt with it in silence. Later, I realized it is acting out and lust that is a sin, not just having the attractions/desires.
Three months after I broke up with my girlfriend, in February of 1990, I was again home for a break or the week-end. I was innocently browsing in a bookstore when I went down the one row and discovered to my shock: porn. That wasn't the biggest shock..... they had gay porn. Naïve guy that I was, I didn't know they had such a thing. There were some smaller magazines, Guidepost size, that were mainly erotic gay stories with some pictures. I picked a few up, and with what felt like a flaming red face, checked out and left the store.
Upon exiting the store, I was approached by a guy around my age for sex. He apparently kept an eye on the gay porn section and got sexual conquests that way, and I became another, and he became the first of many.
Over the years since, I have tried to quit and serve God so many times I have lost track long ago. The debate will never end on masturbation being right or wrong, but for me, it is wrong, and seemingly impossible to quit. It always leads to porn, then sex. For me, it isn't a matter of just getting off sexually. I need porn, then it snowballs.
If I could go back and talk to that 13 year old me, I'd warn me (him?) not to start down that road, though that isn't saying I wouldn't have got into gay sex. That may still have happened.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Whosoever Will
I ran across a new song that has really been resonating with me. I downloaded it from Amazon and put it on a CD with some other songs, and listened to it a few times on the way to work this morning, and at least 8 times on the way home.... I kept hitting the back button. Its one of those songs that feels it was written for me. I don't typically listen to the group who recorded it, the Perrys, but they did an outstanding job on this song.
All my life, I have heard the phrase "whosoever will", and have known John 3:16 since I was barely walking and talking, but it has never sunk in. I feel like I'm the exception and God grants me forgiveness grudgingly because He has to - His Word says it. I still struggle with that, but this song really hits home with me, and I have cried more than once while it played...... the bridge is really what gets me. Awesome song,
Whosoever Will, written by Wayne Haun, Joel Lindsey, and Joseph Habedank
Verse 1
She ran away at seventeen, from what no child should have to call a home
Living life out on the streets, it taught her to be able and so all alone
But one day off in the distance, she could hear the strangest words
And she ran toward the sound of what her broken heart had heard
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Verse 2
He lived a life of luxury, he lived a life of selfishness and greed
But eighty years have come and gone, and life had left him with a much greater need
Oh, but how do you start over after so much time has passed?
Then from somewhere in his childhood, these words came rolling back.
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Bridge:
You are never God-forsaken
Though you might feel that you are
But Jesus is still there waiting
For you with open arms
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
All my life, I have heard the phrase "whosoever will", and have known John 3:16 since I was barely walking and talking, but it has never sunk in. I feel like I'm the exception and God grants me forgiveness grudgingly because He has to - His Word says it. I still struggle with that, but this song really hits home with me, and I have cried more than once while it played...... the bridge is really what gets me. Awesome song,
Whosoever Will, written by Wayne Haun, Joel Lindsey, and Joseph Habedank
Verse 1
She ran away at seventeen, from what no child should have to call a home
Living life out on the streets, it taught her to be able and so all alone
But one day off in the distance, she could hear the strangest words
And she ran toward the sound of what her broken heart had heard
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Verse 2
He lived a life of luxury, he lived a life of selfishness and greed
But eighty years have come and gone, and life had left him with a much greater need
Oh, but how do you start over after so much time has passed?
Then from somewhere in his childhood, these words came rolling back.
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Bridge:
You are never God-forsaken
Though you might feel that you are
But Jesus is still there waiting
For you with open arms
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The Good News for Gays by Sam Allberry
Great article I found helpful from churchleaders.com by Sam Allberry. Original post here.
We were having lunch together and I was praying like mad. My friend had been in a committed same-sex relationship for about 15 years.
He was interested in Jesus; attracted to his teaching and message. But he wanted to know what implications becoming a Christian might have on his practicing gay lifestyle.
I had explained, as carefully and graciously as I could, that Jesus upheld and expanded the wider biblical stance on sexuality: That the only context for sexual activity was heterosexual marriage. Following Jesus would mean seeking to live under his word, in this area as in any other. He had been quiet for a moment, and then looked me in the eye and asked the billion-dollar question: ‘What could possibly be worth giving up my partner for?’
I held his gaze for a moment while my brain raced for the answer.
There was eternity, of course. There was heaven and hell. But I was conscious that these realities would seem other-worldly and intangible to him.
In any case, surely following Jesus is worth it even for this life. He was asking about life here-and-now, so I prayed for a here-and-now Bible verse to point to. I wanted him to know that following Jesus really is worth it—worth it in the life to come, but also worth it in this life now, no less so for those who have homosexual feelings.
Yes, there would be a host of hardships and difficulties: unfulfilled longings, the distress of unwanted temptation, the struggles of long-term singleness.
But I wanted him to know that following Jesus is more than worth it, even with all it entails for gay people.
And I also wanted to tell him that I had come to know this not just from studying the Bible and listening to others, but from my own personal experience.
Homosexuality is an issue I have battled with my entire Christian life. It took a long time to admit to myself, longer to admit to others, and even longer to see something of God’s good purposes through it all. There have been all sorts of ups and downs. But this battle is not devoid of blessings, as Paul discovered with his own unyielding thorn in the flesh.
Struggling with sexuality has been an opportunity to experience more of God’s grace, rather than less.
It is only in recent months I have felt compelled to be more open on this issue. For many years, I had no intention of being public about it—it is, of course, very much a personal matter.
I am conscious that raising it here may lead to any number of responses—some welcome, some perhaps less so. But over the last couple of years, I have felt increasingly concerned that, when it comes to our gay friends and family members, many of us Bible-believing Christians are losing confidence in the gospel.
We are not always convinced it really is good news for gay people.
We are not always sure we can really expect them to live by what the Bible says.
Well, as my mind raced that lunchtime, God gave me a verse to share with my friend. It demonstrates precisely why following Jesus is worth it, in this lifetime, and even when we have to give up things we could never imagine living without:
The Bible is consistent in prohibiting homosexual practice. Jesus himself condemns “sexual immorality” (Mark 7:21, for example). Though Jesus does not directly mention homosexual activity, he does include it.
The Greek word we translate as “sexual immorality” (porneia, from which we get the word pornography) is a catch-all term for any sexual activity outside heterosexual marriage.
Paul is more specific, directly referring to homosexual practice in three passages. In Romans 1:24-27 both homosexual and lesbian activity are given as examples of the “unnatural” behavior that results from turning away from God. In 1 Cor. 6:9-10 ,“homosexual offenders” are listed among those whose behavior will result in their exclusion from God’s kingdom. The word Paul uses literally translates as “men who lie with men” and comes again in 1 Tim. 1:10 (where the NIV unhelpfully translates it as “perverts”).
It is simply not possible to argue for gay relationships from the Bible.
Attempts by some church leaders to do so inevitably involve twisting some texts and ignoring others. God’s word is, in fact, clear. The Bible consistently prohibits any sexual activity outside of marriage.
As someone who experiences homosexual feelings, this is not always an easy word to hear. It has sometimes been very painful to come to terms with what the Bible says.
There have been times of acute temptation and longing—times when I have been ‘in love.’ And yet, Scripture shows that these longings are distortions of what God has created me for.
But however much we have to leave behind, we are never left out of pocket. Whatever is given up, Jesus replaces, in godly kind and greater measure. No one who leaves will fail to receive, and the returns are extraordinary—a hundredfold.
What we give up for Jesus does not compare to what he gives back. If the costs are great, the rewards are even greater, even in this life.
For myself, these include a wonderful depth of friendship God has given me with many brothers and sisters; the opportunities of singleness; the privilege of a wide-ranging ministry; and the community of a wonderful church family.
But greater than any of these things is the opportunity that any complex and difficult situation presents us with: to learn the all-sufficiency of Christ—learning that fullness of life and joy is in him and his service, and nowhere else.
There is a huge amount to say on this issue, but the main point is this: The moment you think following Jesus will be a poor deal for someone, you call Jesus a liar. Discipleship is not always easy. Leaving anything cherished behind is profoundly hard.
But Jesus is always worth it.
We were having lunch together and I was praying like mad. My friend had been in a committed same-sex relationship for about 15 years.
He was interested in Jesus; attracted to his teaching and message. But he wanted to know what implications becoming a Christian might have on his practicing gay lifestyle.
I had explained, as carefully and graciously as I could, that Jesus upheld and expanded the wider biblical stance on sexuality: That the only context for sexual activity was heterosexual marriage. Following Jesus would mean seeking to live under his word, in this area as in any other. He had been quiet for a moment, and then looked me in the eye and asked the billion-dollar question: ‘What could possibly be worth giving up my partner for?’
I held his gaze for a moment while my brain raced for the answer.
There was eternity, of course. There was heaven and hell. But I was conscious that these realities would seem other-worldly and intangible to him.
In any case, surely following Jesus is worth it even for this life. He was asking about life here-and-now, so I prayed for a here-and-now Bible verse to point to. I wanted him to know that following Jesus really is worth it—worth it in the life to come, but also worth it in this life now, no less so for those who have homosexual feelings.
Yes, there would be a host of hardships and difficulties: unfulfilled longings, the distress of unwanted temptation, the struggles of long-term singleness.
But I wanted him to know that following Jesus is more than worth it, even with all it entails for gay people.
And I also wanted to tell him that I had come to know this not just from studying the Bible and listening to others, but from my own personal experience.
Homosexuality is an issue I have battled with my entire Christian life. It took a long time to admit to myself, longer to admit to others, and even longer to see something of God’s good purposes through it all. There have been all sorts of ups and downs. But this battle is not devoid of blessings, as Paul discovered with his own unyielding thorn in the flesh.
Struggling with sexuality has been an opportunity to experience more of God’s grace, rather than less.
It is only in recent months I have felt compelled to be more open on this issue. For many years, I had no intention of being public about it—it is, of course, very much a personal matter.
I am conscious that raising it here may lead to any number of responses—some welcome, some perhaps less so. But over the last couple of years, I have felt increasingly concerned that, when it comes to our gay friends and family members, many of us Bible-believing Christians are losing confidence in the gospel.
We are not always convinced it really is good news for gay people.
We are not always sure we can really expect them to live by what the Bible says.
Well, as my mind raced that lunchtime, God gave me a verse to share with my friend. It demonstrates precisely why following Jesus is worth it, in this lifetime, and even when we have to give up things we could never imagine living without:
Peter said to Jesus, “We have left everything to follow you!”
“I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.” (Mark 10:28-30)
Following Jesus involves leaving things behind and giving things up. For gay people, it involves leaving behind a practicing gay lifestyle.The Bible is consistent in prohibiting homosexual practice. Jesus himself condemns “sexual immorality” (Mark 7:21, for example). Though Jesus does not directly mention homosexual activity, he does include it.
The Greek word we translate as “sexual immorality” (porneia, from which we get the word pornography) is a catch-all term for any sexual activity outside heterosexual marriage.
Paul is more specific, directly referring to homosexual practice in three passages. In Romans 1:24-27 both homosexual and lesbian activity are given as examples of the “unnatural” behavior that results from turning away from God. In 1 Cor. 6:9-10 ,“homosexual offenders” are listed among those whose behavior will result in their exclusion from God’s kingdom. The word Paul uses literally translates as “men who lie with men” and comes again in 1 Tim. 1:10 (where the NIV unhelpfully translates it as “perverts”).
It is simply not possible to argue for gay relationships from the Bible.
Attempts by some church leaders to do so inevitably involve twisting some texts and ignoring others. God’s word is, in fact, clear. The Bible consistently prohibits any sexual activity outside of marriage.
As someone who experiences homosexual feelings, this is not always an easy word to hear. It has sometimes been very painful to come to terms with what the Bible says.
There have been times of acute temptation and longing—times when I have been ‘in love.’ And yet, Scripture shows that these longings are distortions of what God has created me for.
But however much we have to leave behind, we are never left out of pocket. Whatever is given up, Jesus replaces, in godly kind and greater measure. No one who leaves will fail to receive, and the returns are extraordinary—a hundredfold.
What we give up for Jesus does not compare to what he gives back. If the costs are great, the rewards are even greater, even in this life.
For myself, these include a wonderful depth of friendship God has given me with many brothers and sisters; the opportunities of singleness; the privilege of a wide-ranging ministry; and the community of a wonderful church family.
But greater than any of these things is the opportunity that any complex and difficult situation presents us with: to learn the all-sufficiency of Christ—learning that fullness of life and joy is in him and his service, and nowhere else.
There is a huge amount to say on this issue, but the main point is this: The moment you think following Jesus will be a poor deal for someone, you call Jesus a liar. Discipleship is not always easy. Leaving anything cherished behind is profoundly hard.
But Jesus is always worth it.
Modesty........ it isn't just for girls
I am a big advocate in modesty. Men especially have enough trouble with sexual temptations than having to deal with immodest dress, and the guys who let their wives and daughters dress so immodestly, knowing how guys are wired, are complete nuts.
I few friends on Facebook shared a great article by a mother with young boys. In it, she took teenage girls to task for posting pictures of themselves in immodest attire and/or seductive poses on Facebook for her boys to see, and emphasized how they are trying to raise their boys right and don't want them to see stuff like that on Facebook. Great article. Read it: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/
However, in the same article, the one where she talks about girls dressing immodestly, she posted a picture of her boys in swim trunks and her daughter in a bathing suit, and another pic of one of her sons in swim trunks. I am not the only one who found that weird, absurd, ironic, even hypocrital.
I follow country singer Jimmy Wayne on Facebook. He is a Christian and a great guy. He posted the link and several people commented about the shirtless boys. He replied that boys in swim trunks was nothing like girls in a bra or towel....... Really? He is a nice looking guy, and doesn't he realize if he ever goes shirtless, that there are both women and men lusting after him because he is shirtless?
Its no secret on here that I am gay, and I will be blunt: Shirtless guys that are nice looking and in good shape are a major turn on for me. I don't have to see a fully naked man to lust or be turned on. he just has to be shirtless. That is why summer is so hard for me when I am trying to live right and serve God..... I see shirtless guys everywhere, and its really hard not to look and lust. Guys are very stimulated visually, and so a gay guy/guy that struggles with SSA, is going to be visually stimulated/tempted by shirtless guys...... so for this mother to post shirtless pictures of her boys in the same blog post where she is taking girls to task for dressing immodestly...... it just seems bizarre.
Oddly enough, she got so many comments about her pictures, that she reposted the blog with a note "where everyone is covered up", but has left the original up.
She has a great point about girls being modest and being careful about what kind of pictures they post, but the same should hold true for boys/men. She has missed the boat on that side.
I few friends on Facebook shared a great article by a mother with young boys. In it, she took teenage girls to task for posting pictures of themselves in immodest attire and/or seductive poses on Facebook for her boys to see, and emphasized how they are trying to raise their boys right and don't want them to see stuff like that on Facebook. Great article. Read it: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/
However, in the same article, the one where she talks about girls dressing immodestly, she posted a picture of her boys in swim trunks and her daughter in a bathing suit, and another pic of one of her sons in swim trunks. I am not the only one who found that weird, absurd, ironic, even hypocrital.
I follow country singer Jimmy Wayne on Facebook. He is a Christian and a great guy. He posted the link and several people commented about the shirtless boys. He replied that boys in swim trunks was nothing like girls in a bra or towel....... Really? He is a nice looking guy, and doesn't he realize if he ever goes shirtless, that there are both women and men lusting after him because he is shirtless?
Its no secret on here that I am gay, and I will be blunt: Shirtless guys that are nice looking and in good shape are a major turn on for me. I don't have to see a fully naked man to lust or be turned on. he just has to be shirtless. That is why summer is so hard for me when I am trying to live right and serve God..... I see shirtless guys everywhere, and its really hard not to look and lust. Guys are very stimulated visually, and so a gay guy/guy that struggles with SSA, is going to be visually stimulated/tempted by shirtless guys...... so for this mother to post shirtless pictures of her boys in the same blog post where she is taking girls to task for dressing immodestly...... it just seems bizarre.
Oddly enough, she got so many comments about her pictures, that she reposted the blog with a note "where everyone is covered up", but has left the original up.
She has a great point about girls being modest and being careful about what kind of pictures they post, but the same should hold true for boys/men. She has missed the boat on that side.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Friends..... and family
I took a couple of days off from work and went on a vacation of sorts from Monday evening til Saturday. I drove over 400 miles one way to spend the week with my best friend. I say vacation of sorts as it was mostly just to get away and spend time with him and some other friends where I lived for a couple of years. I did do a couple of cool things, but in the interests of staying anonymous, I'd better leave it at that.
Coming back home has been rough. Hanging out all week with my best friend has made being alone harder to handle. Loneliness has always been one of my biggest, if not THE biggest trigger in falling back into my sinful habits, but I'm really at a loss as what to do about it. Moving away once caused so much upheaval in my family and my relationship with my parents, and I really missed my nieces and nephews, that it isn't an option, but I have no one. Guys close my age are married. Married and busy. I sometimes hang out with my former co-worker, but she isn't a Christian and encourages me to be gay, though if I walked away from it, she would be supportive, but I need Christians, and guys would be nice.
I don't mean to be all "poor me", but it is a reality that most guys who are successful in beating the gay stuff have support. They have other men who they are around regularly who know and care. I have a lot of people who know, but no one does much. My Sunday School teacher meets me about once, sometimes twice, a year, as he is so busy. My pastor meets with me about once a year.
That is one reason I haven't repented and tried again. Between summer being so hard, my being so lonely, and still battling wrong views of God and trying to believe He loves me...... I don't think I'd last a week.
Growing up, I didn't have friends. All the guys that were my age picked on me, including my cousins. Maybe that is why I retreated so much into books. I got along OK mostly with the guys in college, but formed no close friendships and was mostly a loner there as in school. There was never any worries about my getting into trouble.
To this day, I see the teenage boys at church sitting with each other, talking to each other, etc, and wish I'd had that. Is there ever a time when regret won't gnaw at me for what I didn't have? At how life has treated me, and how I have turned out?
I prayed for years for a best friend, or at least a friend, and then I found a best friend, and the way we came into contact is nothing short of miraculous. I mean that....... but he was over 400 miles away. I honestly felt it was God's will to move there, and I really needed a change in scenery, but man did it go over like a lead balloon with my parents. I moved back after 2 years, and life has been the pits ever since. I have often wondered if I did the right thing in moving back, but it doesn't matter at this point. I doubt I'll ever do anything outwardly that my parents strongly disapprove of ever again. Sad. I'm 44 and my parents have me under their thumb.
I have made the statement to someone, maybe on here, and its true: if God wanted me to do something that my parents didn't want me to do, I don't think I could do it. I know that sounds terrible, but its true. I hate confrontation, and hate the uncomfortable feeling I get when my parents are unhappy with me, though I feel they are all the time anyway. There are just times it is worse.
I watched the movie "Home Run" while I was on my vacation. Awesome movie. It made me want to try the 12 step program featured in the movie, Celebrate Recovery, but I doubt I will. I'd have to explain it to my parents, and I know they'd be against it. I just know. So its easier to not rock the boat. Plus, I don't want to explain why I want to go, for that would make me talk about what we never talk about - the gay stuff. That has been thrown in a closet, locked, and the key thrown away...... as long as I act the part of the good Christian boy and don't arouse their suspicions.
I honestly believe my parents restrictiveness they have on me has made it harder to stay away from the gay stuff, harder for me to be a Christian...... but I don't think they could ever be convinced of that. I guess that just makes it more challenging for me to make it to Heaven. Like I need it to be more challenging.
Coming back home has been rough. Hanging out all week with my best friend has made being alone harder to handle. Loneliness has always been one of my biggest, if not THE biggest trigger in falling back into my sinful habits, but I'm really at a loss as what to do about it. Moving away once caused so much upheaval in my family and my relationship with my parents, and I really missed my nieces and nephews, that it isn't an option, but I have no one. Guys close my age are married. Married and busy. I sometimes hang out with my former co-worker, but she isn't a Christian and encourages me to be gay, though if I walked away from it, she would be supportive, but I need Christians, and guys would be nice.
I don't mean to be all "poor me", but it is a reality that most guys who are successful in beating the gay stuff have support. They have other men who they are around regularly who know and care. I have a lot of people who know, but no one does much. My Sunday School teacher meets me about once, sometimes twice, a year, as he is so busy. My pastor meets with me about once a year.
That is one reason I haven't repented and tried again. Between summer being so hard, my being so lonely, and still battling wrong views of God and trying to believe He loves me...... I don't think I'd last a week.
Growing up, I didn't have friends. All the guys that were my age picked on me, including my cousins. Maybe that is why I retreated so much into books. I got along OK mostly with the guys in college, but formed no close friendships and was mostly a loner there as in school. There was never any worries about my getting into trouble.
To this day, I see the teenage boys at church sitting with each other, talking to each other, etc, and wish I'd had that. Is there ever a time when regret won't gnaw at me for what I didn't have? At how life has treated me, and how I have turned out?
I prayed for years for a best friend, or at least a friend, and then I found a best friend, and the way we came into contact is nothing short of miraculous. I mean that....... but he was over 400 miles away. I honestly felt it was God's will to move there, and I really needed a change in scenery, but man did it go over like a lead balloon with my parents. I moved back after 2 years, and life has been the pits ever since. I have often wondered if I did the right thing in moving back, but it doesn't matter at this point. I doubt I'll ever do anything outwardly that my parents strongly disapprove of ever again. Sad. I'm 44 and my parents have me under their thumb.
I have made the statement to someone, maybe on here, and its true: if God wanted me to do something that my parents didn't want me to do, I don't think I could do it. I know that sounds terrible, but its true. I hate confrontation, and hate the uncomfortable feeling I get when my parents are unhappy with me, though I feel they are all the time anyway. There are just times it is worse.
I watched the movie "Home Run" while I was on my vacation. Awesome movie. It made me want to try the 12 step program featured in the movie, Celebrate Recovery, but I doubt I will. I'd have to explain it to my parents, and I know they'd be against it. I just know. So its easier to not rock the boat. Plus, I don't want to explain why I want to go, for that would make me talk about what we never talk about - the gay stuff. That has been thrown in a closet, locked, and the key thrown away...... as long as I act the part of the good Christian boy and don't arouse their suspicions.
I honestly believe my parents restrictiveness they have on me has made it harder to stay away from the gay stuff, harder for me to be a Christian...... but I don't think they could ever be convinced of that. I guess that just makes it more challenging for me to make it to Heaven. Like I need it to be more challenging.
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