This isn't a topic talked about, as it is embarrassing and seems juvenile, but hey, this is an anonymous blog. However, if you are a woman, you may want to skip reading this blog post.
I discovered masturbation completely by accident when I was 13. My parents never talked to me about sex. Never. I learned at school. I can't remember anyone talking about masturbation. As a typical teenager, I got plenty of erections, and I'm not sure what led me to do it, and I won't get graphic, but it involved rubbing against a fuzzy blanket that felt good, and then bam.... it happened. It actually scared me - I was that naïve and clueless. That has been too long ago now to remember how I figured out what happened, but I kept at it. It took me a while and a sore penis before I discovered I didn't have to rub against a blanket, but could "jerk off." Regardless, I was addicted.
Even then, I loved to read, and started reading the romance novels that had sex scenes in. It wasn't long until I was reading just the sex scenes and masturbating to them. I always focused on the guy, not having a clue about my sexuality. I eventually ran across a couple of books that had male on male sex scenes, but even then things didn't click. By the way, I know there are a lot of women who profess to be Christians and read those kind of romances...... to me, they are porn. Porn does not have to be a video of people engaging in sex, but more on that later.....
I was soon addicted to masturbating. I soon had to have the books with sex scenes in them to get off. I instinctively felt the act was wrong, though no one ever talked about it. I was naïve enough to think I was abnormal and a freak for doing it. I'd go to the altar time after time to repent, only to fall back into it and give up. Most of my rocky and failed attempts at being a Christian in my teen years was due to masturbation. Looking back, I wonder if it was really sin. The books I eventually used were not good and set the stage for porn addiction later.
I went to Bible college, determined to kick the habit, only to fall into it immediately. I even bought my first porn magazine, Playboy, while I was in my freshman year, for after all porn was great to get off to........ but that was a miserable failure. It did nothing for me, and I was grossed out. Still clueless as to why.
I went the next couple of years in Bible college, dating a couple of girls and it going nowhere, still addicted to my secret habit. I was in my junior year of college, dating my second girlfriend, when it happened. I was taking a class on Biblical Ethics. We had to take a major issue of the day and write a term paper on. We had to get it approved. I picked the occult, but was shot down by the teacher. She said she had seen people get wrapped up in it innocently and didn't want to risk it. I don't know why, maybe subconsciously I was aware of my SSA, I asked about doing it on homosexuality. I can't remember her exact words, but she basically said yes, and she wasn't worried about my doing it on that. How wrong she was.
As with any term paper, I got several books on the subject to study up on it and start writing. I was somewhat shocked to realize what I was reading about described me. I was gay. It woke desires in me to do something about it. I got more books, finding some that had were pro-gay, then in a bookstore while home for the week-end, I found it: The Joy of Gay Sex, illustrated. I bought it, and became educated.
If I remember correctly, I broke up with my girlfriend in November of that year and surrendered to my same-sex attractions. I used my new book for my masturbation sessions, risking a lot by having it hidden in my dorm room on a conservative Bible campus.
My thinking at this time was that gay people went to hell, and I was doomed, so why fight it. I was scared to talk to anyone about it, so I dealt with it in silence. Later, I realized it is acting out and lust that is a sin, not just having the attractions/desires.
Three months after I broke up with my girlfriend, in February of 1990, I was again home for a break or the week-end. I was innocently browsing in a bookstore when I went down the one row and discovered to my shock: porn. That wasn't the biggest shock..... they had gay porn. Naïve guy that I was, I didn't know they had such a thing. There were some smaller magazines, Guidepost size, that were mainly erotic gay stories with some pictures. I picked a few up, and with what felt like a flaming red face, checked out and left the store.
Upon exiting the store, I was approached by a guy around my age for sex. He apparently kept an eye on the gay porn section and got sexual conquests that way, and I became another, and he became the first of many.
Over the years since, I have tried to quit and serve God so many times I have lost track long ago. The debate will never end on masturbation being right or wrong, but for me, it is wrong, and seemingly impossible to quit. It always leads to porn, then sex. For me, it isn't a matter of just getting off sexually. I need porn, then it snowballs.
If I could go back and talk to that 13 year old me, I'd warn me (him?) not to start down that road, though that isn't saying I wouldn't have got into gay sex. That may still have happened.
No comments:
Post a Comment