Friends

   I have been feeling pretty down lately. Don't get me wrong, having a job helps a lot and I am nowhere near as depressed as I had been when I was unemployed. I like my job, I just wish I was able to get my own place, but that isn't going to happen for a while.

   One reason I find it hard to walk away from homosexuality is loneliness. I've been lonely most of my life, and hooking up and porn helps with that, though temporarily. I'm not stupid enough to think its a good replacement for anything.

  I've always had trouble making friends. Oh, I have people who would say they are my friends, but I don't have any contact with them outside of church or Facebook. Growing up, I was picked on a lot and never had many friends, no one that hung out with me. I never went to other boys' houses as a kid, I never sat with other boys at church nor hung out with them after church. I was a loner. All the boys in my life picked on me and bullied me at some point, even my cousins. To this day, I envy people who are good friends with their cousins. I'm not. Oh, I'm friends with many of them on Facebook, but we don't call or text, we don't hang out.

  I can still remember when my sister closest to me in age got her driver's license. She and my other sister would go places and didn't want me to go. I get it that they were girls and wanted to go off together, but I was hurt...... not even my own siblings wanted me around. That came back years later when my youngest sister was dating and I tried to go with them a couple of times to shop.....they weren't official dates, but they didn't want me along, so I stayed home alone, hurting.

  Even in Bible college I was pretty much a longer. Occasionally I'd go to town with a guy or two, but I hung out mostly by myself. For some reason, something that happened in college has been coming to my mind a lot lately, and this happened 20+ years ago...... I was at college on a week-end, not sure why, as I went home week-ends when I could. Some of my college mates were gathering Friday evening in the dining hall for games and pizza. I was going to down to play games, but was told it was a private party..... just for the kids that went to a certain church. I was crushed. I was lonely, and got shot down...... and that scene has been replaying in my mind a lot lately. I don't know why. Maybe the devil is trying to remind me as part of his plans to make me believe no one does like me.

  I had such a low opinion of myself that I was afraid to try to be friends with anyone. I was extremely shy and withdrawn. Unfortunately, I got picked on some in college also, but not to the same extent. By the time I graduated, I had come out of my shell a lot, but it took me years to believe anyone could actually like me or be my friend.

  I eventually made some friends that I hung out with some, from church and work. I longed for a best friend though. I was still scared to bug people, as I see it when I try to do something with someone. I finally found a best friend, but he was 400 miles away. We had a lot in common. After praying about it, and much against my controlling parents' wishes, I moved and he and I shared an apartment for 2 years.

   I can't explain how great it was. I always had someone to go shopping with, someone who liked to browse bookstores as much as I did....my sexual temptations were at the lowest they had ever been. Oh, I still had them, but it wasn't as bad. I think for two reasons: having another guy to hang out with, and I was free from my parents' constant control and scrutiny.

  Unfortunately, I got tired of the cold disapproval from my parents, plus I missed seeing my nieces and nephews on a frequent basis..... and it didn't help that my mom was going through depression and I felt guilty.... so I moved back.

   I have been back for 5 years and 3 months, and it hasn't been a good 5 years. I have gone through bankruptcy, depression, gotten further from God than I have ever been, become more resentful of my parents even though I am stuck living in their basement..... and gotten more lonely. The friends I had before I moved seem to have dropped me. I see my friends 400 miles away more than I see friends that live here..... even ones I go to church with that I used to hang out with........they are like strangers.

  The only people who want to hang out with me are people who don't go to my church, and people who don't go to church at all. I have 2 former co-workers who knows I am gay, both female. I have no idea how they figured out, but they did, and they would be all for me staying gay......but they also know I don't want to be gay, so we don't talk about it much, but is that the kind of people I should hang out with much? Pro-gay friends? Maybe not, but they do something no one at my church, no one I used to be friends with will do..... be my friend and meet me for lunch or shopping.

   Should I be more outgoing in pursuing friendships? Maybe, but I am pretty much back to square one, or close to it, when I feel most people don't like me or consider me friend material. I don't even add people as friends on Facebook unless they send me a request.... I am afraid of rejection.

   I went shopping yesterday and out to eat on my day off. It was fun and I enjoyed myself, but I found myself wishing I had someone with me, but there was no one to ask. So I did it alone.

   There are times I am really tempted to chuck the whole God and church thing and try for a relationship with a guy. I do know this: if I walked away from it all and submerged myself in the gay lifestyle and culture, I would have friends...... more friends than I have going to church. I even had in an invite from my current co-workers to meet them at a restaurant last week. I was unable to go, but that doesn't happen with Christians.

   I still have a best friend, but only see him once a year. I can email and talk on the phone, but I miss seeing him.

  I really don't know what the answer is, but it sure seems going completely into the gay lifestyle would give me what God and the church can't: Friends to hang out with.