I took a couple of days off from work and went on a vacation of sorts from Monday evening til Saturday. I drove over 400 miles one way to spend the week with my best friend. I say vacation of sorts as it was mostly just to get away and spend time with him and some other friends where I lived for a couple of years. I did do a couple of cool things, but in the interests of staying anonymous, I'd better leave it at that.
Coming back home has been rough. Hanging out all week with my best friend has made being alone harder to handle. Loneliness has always been one of my biggest, if not THE biggest trigger in falling back into my sinful habits, but I'm really at a loss as what to do about it. Moving away once caused so much upheaval in my family and my relationship with my parents, and I really missed my nieces and nephews, that it isn't an option, but I have no one. Guys close my age are married. Married and busy. I sometimes hang out with my former co-worker, but she isn't a Christian and encourages me to be gay, though if I walked away from it, she would be supportive, but I need Christians, and guys would be nice.
I don't mean to be all "poor me", but it is a reality that most guys who are successful in beating the gay stuff have support. They have other men who they are around regularly who know and care. I have a lot of people who know, but no one does much. My Sunday School teacher meets me about once, sometimes twice, a year, as he is so busy. My pastor meets with me about once a year.
That is one reason I haven't repented and tried again. Between summer being so hard, my being so lonely, and still battling wrong views of God and trying to believe He loves me...... I don't think I'd last a week.
Growing up, I didn't have friends. All the guys that were my age picked on me, including my cousins. Maybe that is why I retreated so much into books. I got along OK mostly with the guys in college, but formed no close friendships and was mostly a loner there as in school. There was never any worries about my getting into trouble.
To this day, I see the teenage boys at church sitting with each other, talking to each other, etc, and wish I'd had that. Is there ever a time when regret won't gnaw at me for what I didn't have? At how life has treated me, and how I have turned out?
I prayed for years for a best friend, or at least a friend, and then I found a best friend, and the way we came into contact is nothing short of miraculous. I mean that....... but he was over 400 miles away. I honestly felt it was God's will to move there, and I really needed a change in scenery, but man did it go over like a lead balloon with my parents. I moved back after 2 years, and life has been the pits ever since. I have often wondered if I did the right thing in moving back, but it doesn't matter at this point. I doubt I'll ever do anything outwardly that my parents strongly disapprove of ever again. Sad. I'm 44 and my parents have me under their thumb.
I have made the statement to someone, maybe on here, and its true: if God wanted me to do something that my parents didn't want me to do, I don't think I could do it. I know that sounds terrible, but its true. I hate confrontation, and hate the uncomfortable feeling I get when my parents are unhappy with me, though I feel they are all the time anyway. There are just times it is worse.
I watched the movie "Home Run" while I was on my vacation. Awesome movie. It made me want to try the 12 step program featured in the movie, Celebrate Recovery, but I doubt I will. I'd have to explain it to my parents, and I know they'd be against it. I just know. So its easier to not rock the boat. Plus, I don't want to explain why I want to go, for that would make me talk about what we never talk about - the gay stuff. That has been thrown in a closet, locked, and the key thrown away...... as long as I act the part of the good Christian boy and don't arouse their suspicions.
I honestly believe my parents restrictiveness they have on me has made it harder to stay away from the gay stuff, harder for me to be a Christian...... but I don't think they could ever be convinced of that. I guess that just makes it more challenging for me to make it to Heaven. Like I need it to be more challenging.
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