The me I used to be, and the me I'll never be

There are people who think I react too quickly, argue too much, speak up too much, defend myself too much and too fast. Maybe they're right. It is something I have prayed about, to no avail.

 I wasn't always like that. I don't know when it changed, but it must have changed after Bible college at some point.

 I was always a shy and withdrawn kid. I never spoke up, never defended myself, never argued, never talked back. I was that way well into adulthood, then somewhere along the line, a switch got flipped or something, and I became the total opposite of that.

  Is there a happy medium? There doesn't seem to be for me. Should I go back to the me I used to be? Never speak up, never stand up for myself, never argue, just let people walk all over me? Maybe that's what God wants. He did talk a lot about that turning the other cheek stuff, after all.

  As lonely as I have been, I feel this urge to withdraw. I have even toyed with the idea of deleting my Facebook account. People get mad at what I say anyway, think I talk about this too much, or that too much. Maybe everyone would be happier with the old me.

  But I didn't like him. He was an easy target for bullies. And to be honest, there is still some of him in me. If there wasn't, I'd stand up to my parents. But I don't. I just march along and do what they want and expect of me. And I still don't like myself. I doubt I ever will, whether I be the guy who lets everyone abuse him and take advantage of him, or the guy people think is a hothead because I speak up and defend myself too much.

 I wish I could look in the mirror and like what I see. I still, to this day, have a hard time thinking of myself as man. I tend to refer to myself as a "guy", for the term "man" doesn't seem to fit me. I can't see myself as anything but worthless, and a failure. Whether I am the doormat, or hothead. I am a failure.

 I don't know....as I mentioned in my last blog post, I find myself wondering if I truly am a Christian. If I am not, it would explain why I get so angry so easily, although my anger is worse when I am really depressed, and I am really depressed. I even have my best friend upset with me. Maybe I do need to just shut up.

  There's more chains that hold me than sex and porn. Religion, parents, and how I see myself, but if I am a failure and worthless, how can I not see myself any differently?

  I'm close to turning 45, and I don't think life will be OK. I have failed. In about every way possible. At this point, I don't think I can be the man I should be, the man I want to be. I'm crippled emotionally, spiritually, and maybe even mentally. If God is in my heart, I wish He'd take me home.