I have blogged about my past before, but I had someone in a Facebook group ask how I got to where I am now, so I am going to answer via this post, which I hope I can keep to a reasonable length.Early childhood
I was raised for part of my life in an un-Christian home. My parents had served God and walked away from Him before I was born. My Christian grandmother on my dad's side convinced them to enroll myself and my sisters in a Christian school, so I did have that influence. We attended Sunday School couple of times a month, but never stayed for the worship service... my dad was afraid he'd feel convicted if he heard a sermon.
I felt unloved by my father. When I was around the age of 8, my mom told me he felt I was too old to hug and kiss. He never hugged me since, other than a quick hug after my high school graduation.... I can't even remember any positive touches from him over the years. I felt he disapproved of me, something reinforced by some of the comments he made over the years.
When I was 12, a couple of things happened in our lives that woke my parents up - losing everything we owned and a death in the family within 9 day - and they came back to God and the church. I was saved shortly after, though I am not sure I understood it at that point.
Junior high - high school
Even though I attended a Christian school, most of the kids in junior high and high school were not Christians and I was picked on and bullied a lot - more than most people know. I wasn't good at sports, nor was I interested in them. No one wanted me on their team, and I was required to play whatever sport was played for gym class. I had no male friends, and my male cousins ignored me or picked on me also at times. Girls were safe, and I hung out with them a lot.
There was a time one year in junior high when the other boys got me doing some stuff bordering on sexual, and there was actually some sexual contact. Eventually, an older student pulled me aside and said I needed to stop, or he would tell my parents, so I stopped.
I discovered masturbation on my own around age 13. I soon needed something to get off to, and started using the trashy romance novels that had rather graphic sex scenes in them. I always found myself focusing more on the man in the sex scenes and the front of the book, and ran onto a few books where there were actually sex scenes between guys. Coupled that with my liking to look at shirtless guys and my viewing boys as totally different from me, it should have been a clue to me what was going on..... but I didn't get it.
I graduated, a very insecure and shy kid who didn't think anyone liked or loved me.... including God. I started attending Bible college where I was again picked on to some extent, but not as bad nor with the intent to be mean, that I know of.
I started dating because it was the thing to do, and it never went anywhere. Being on a Bible college campus where the dating rules were very strict and physical contact prohibited. That relationship was short, and 2 years later I tried again. While dating that girl, it finally hit me what was going on... I was gay. (I was very naive and barely knew what homosexuality was while growing up).I broke up with the girl I was dating after a few months and called it quits for dating,
I was convinced I was going to hell for these feelings, and it was a few years til I realized the Bible condemns the sexual acts, not the feelings.
My first sexual experience
Three months after breaking off my dating relationship, I was in a bookstore near my home and ran across some porn magazines in a back row. To my amazement, they had gay porn - I honestly had no clue such a thing existed. With a face that was probably red as could be, I purchased a couple and exited the store. I was immediately approached by a man who saw me buy them and asked if I wanted oral sex. I went with him and had my first sexual experience ever - with another guy at that - and immediately wanted more.
The cycle
This started years of porn addiction and sexual hookups. I would repent over and over, only to go back to the sex and porn. I eventually lost track of how many guys I had been with, but a ballpark figure would shock most people. The whole time, I attended church and acted the part of a Christian who had it all together. There were guys who wanted more than a hookup and wanted to have a relationship, but I knew it wouldn't last, that I would eventually have to break it off to serve God, so I never went for it. Besides, it would have been harder to cover up than my secret sexual life of sexual encounters.
Over the years, I started confiding in people until it became easy to tell people what I struggled with, which resulted in my "coming out" on my public blog this year.
And then in December of 2013, I had a break through. I had read books about how to get free, read stories of others who had, and heard testimonies and despaired of ever getting free. But that month, I finally came to the belief and realization that God did indeed love me. I had always tried to serve Him out of fear and the desire to do right, but this knowledge that He loved me changed me completely. Almost overnight, the temptations to hook up started going away. I deleted all of my hook-up apps and profiles on gay dating and hook-up sites. I did hook up a couple of times after that, but eventually the temptation and desire to do so went away and rarely surfaces. When it does, it is very slight and hardly a problem. I can't remember the last time I gave in, but it has to be over two years now...... and that is a miracle.
The attractions for other guys haven't left, nor the temptation to lust and view porn, but God has helped me a lot in these areas. Some may not consider it true freedom, but God has broken the chains that held me bound for so many years and set me free from being controlled by my sexual desires. Being in contact with ministries for people with unwanted sexual attractions and other people who are desiring to be free from homosexuality has also helped and encouraged me.
I may never be attracted to women, and I am OK with that. My goal should not be heterosexuality, but being like Jesus. As Christopher Yuan, a man saved from the gay lifestyle and drugs put it: the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality, but holiness. God asks no more of me or anyone else who is gay/same-sex attracted: Take up your cross, deny yourself - yes, even your gay identity - and follow Him.
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