Friday, September 20, 2013
A new blog
Here is the link of a new blog to check out that is from the perspective of a married guy that deals with SSA. I have never met him, but he has been very helpful and encouraging to me via emails: Saved Just As I Am.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
The big "M", and when the light came on
This isn't a topic talked about, as it is embarrassing and seems juvenile, but hey, this is an anonymous blog. However, if you are a woman, you may want to skip reading this blog post.
I discovered masturbation completely by accident when I was 13. My parents never talked to me about sex. Never. I learned at school. I can't remember anyone talking about masturbation. As a typical teenager, I got plenty of erections, and I'm not sure what led me to do it, and I won't get graphic, but it involved rubbing against a fuzzy blanket that felt good, and then bam.... it happened. It actually scared me - I was that naïve and clueless. That has been too long ago now to remember how I figured out what happened, but I kept at it. It took me a while and a sore penis before I discovered I didn't have to rub against a blanket, but could "jerk off." Regardless, I was addicted.
Even then, I loved to read, and started reading the romance novels that had sex scenes in. It wasn't long until I was reading just the sex scenes and masturbating to them. I always focused on the guy, not having a clue about my sexuality. I eventually ran across a couple of books that had male on male sex scenes, but even then things didn't click. By the way, I know there are a lot of women who profess to be Christians and read those kind of romances...... to me, they are porn. Porn does not have to be a video of people engaging in sex, but more on that later.....
I was soon addicted to masturbating. I soon had to have the books with sex scenes in them to get off. I instinctively felt the act was wrong, though no one ever talked about it. I was naïve enough to think I was abnormal and a freak for doing it. I'd go to the altar time after time to repent, only to fall back into it and give up. Most of my rocky and failed attempts at being a Christian in my teen years was due to masturbation. Looking back, I wonder if it was really sin. The books I eventually used were not good and set the stage for porn addiction later.
I went to Bible college, determined to kick the habit, only to fall into it immediately. I even bought my first porn magazine, Playboy, while I was in my freshman year, for after all porn was great to get off to........ but that was a miserable failure. It did nothing for me, and I was grossed out. Still clueless as to why.
I went the next couple of years in Bible college, dating a couple of girls and it going nowhere, still addicted to my secret habit. I was in my junior year of college, dating my second girlfriend, when it happened. I was taking a class on Biblical Ethics. We had to take a major issue of the day and write a term paper on. We had to get it approved. I picked the occult, but was shot down by the teacher. She said she had seen people get wrapped up in it innocently and didn't want to risk it. I don't know why, maybe subconsciously I was aware of my SSA, I asked about doing it on homosexuality. I can't remember her exact words, but she basically said yes, and she wasn't worried about my doing it on that. How wrong she was.
As with any term paper, I got several books on the subject to study up on it and start writing. I was somewhat shocked to realize what I was reading about described me. I was gay. It woke desires in me to do something about it. I got more books, finding some that had were pro-gay, then in a bookstore while home for the week-end, I found it: The Joy of Gay Sex, illustrated. I bought it, and became educated.
If I remember correctly, I broke up with my girlfriend in November of that year and surrendered to my same-sex attractions. I used my new book for my masturbation sessions, risking a lot by having it hidden in my dorm room on a conservative Bible campus.
My thinking at this time was that gay people went to hell, and I was doomed, so why fight it. I was scared to talk to anyone about it, so I dealt with it in silence. Later, I realized it is acting out and lust that is a sin, not just having the attractions/desires.
Three months after I broke up with my girlfriend, in February of 1990, I was again home for a break or the week-end. I was innocently browsing in a bookstore when I went down the one row and discovered to my shock: porn. That wasn't the biggest shock..... they had gay porn. Naïve guy that I was, I didn't know they had such a thing. There were some smaller magazines, Guidepost size, that were mainly erotic gay stories with some pictures. I picked a few up, and with what felt like a flaming red face, checked out and left the store.
Upon exiting the store, I was approached by a guy around my age for sex. He apparently kept an eye on the gay porn section and got sexual conquests that way, and I became another, and he became the first of many.
Over the years since, I have tried to quit and serve God so many times I have lost track long ago. The debate will never end on masturbation being right or wrong, but for me, it is wrong, and seemingly impossible to quit. It always leads to porn, then sex. For me, it isn't a matter of just getting off sexually. I need porn, then it snowballs.
If I could go back and talk to that 13 year old me, I'd warn me (him?) not to start down that road, though that isn't saying I wouldn't have got into gay sex. That may still have happened.
I discovered masturbation completely by accident when I was 13. My parents never talked to me about sex. Never. I learned at school. I can't remember anyone talking about masturbation. As a typical teenager, I got plenty of erections, and I'm not sure what led me to do it, and I won't get graphic, but it involved rubbing against a fuzzy blanket that felt good, and then bam.... it happened. It actually scared me - I was that naïve and clueless. That has been too long ago now to remember how I figured out what happened, but I kept at it. It took me a while and a sore penis before I discovered I didn't have to rub against a blanket, but could "jerk off." Regardless, I was addicted.
Even then, I loved to read, and started reading the romance novels that had sex scenes in. It wasn't long until I was reading just the sex scenes and masturbating to them. I always focused on the guy, not having a clue about my sexuality. I eventually ran across a couple of books that had male on male sex scenes, but even then things didn't click. By the way, I know there are a lot of women who profess to be Christians and read those kind of romances...... to me, they are porn. Porn does not have to be a video of people engaging in sex, but more on that later.....
I was soon addicted to masturbating. I soon had to have the books with sex scenes in them to get off. I instinctively felt the act was wrong, though no one ever talked about it. I was naïve enough to think I was abnormal and a freak for doing it. I'd go to the altar time after time to repent, only to fall back into it and give up. Most of my rocky and failed attempts at being a Christian in my teen years was due to masturbation. Looking back, I wonder if it was really sin. The books I eventually used were not good and set the stage for porn addiction later.
I went to Bible college, determined to kick the habit, only to fall into it immediately. I even bought my first porn magazine, Playboy, while I was in my freshman year, for after all porn was great to get off to........ but that was a miserable failure. It did nothing for me, and I was grossed out. Still clueless as to why.
I went the next couple of years in Bible college, dating a couple of girls and it going nowhere, still addicted to my secret habit. I was in my junior year of college, dating my second girlfriend, when it happened. I was taking a class on Biblical Ethics. We had to take a major issue of the day and write a term paper on. We had to get it approved. I picked the occult, but was shot down by the teacher. She said she had seen people get wrapped up in it innocently and didn't want to risk it. I don't know why, maybe subconsciously I was aware of my SSA, I asked about doing it on homosexuality. I can't remember her exact words, but she basically said yes, and she wasn't worried about my doing it on that. How wrong she was.
As with any term paper, I got several books on the subject to study up on it and start writing. I was somewhat shocked to realize what I was reading about described me. I was gay. It woke desires in me to do something about it. I got more books, finding some that had were pro-gay, then in a bookstore while home for the week-end, I found it: The Joy of Gay Sex, illustrated. I bought it, and became educated.
If I remember correctly, I broke up with my girlfriend in November of that year and surrendered to my same-sex attractions. I used my new book for my masturbation sessions, risking a lot by having it hidden in my dorm room on a conservative Bible campus.
My thinking at this time was that gay people went to hell, and I was doomed, so why fight it. I was scared to talk to anyone about it, so I dealt with it in silence. Later, I realized it is acting out and lust that is a sin, not just having the attractions/desires.
Three months after I broke up with my girlfriend, in February of 1990, I was again home for a break or the week-end. I was innocently browsing in a bookstore when I went down the one row and discovered to my shock: porn. That wasn't the biggest shock..... they had gay porn. Naïve guy that I was, I didn't know they had such a thing. There were some smaller magazines, Guidepost size, that were mainly erotic gay stories with some pictures. I picked a few up, and with what felt like a flaming red face, checked out and left the store.
Upon exiting the store, I was approached by a guy around my age for sex. He apparently kept an eye on the gay porn section and got sexual conquests that way, and I became another, and he became the first of many.
Over the years since, I have tried to quit and serve God so many times I have lost track long ago. The debate will never end on masturbation being right or wrong, but for me, it is wrong, and seemingly impossible to quit. It always leads to porn, then sex. For me, it isn't a matter of just getting off sexually. I need porn, then it snowballs.
If I could go back and talk to that 13 year old me, I'd warn me (him?) not to start down that road, though that isn't saying I wouldn't have got into gay sex. That may still have happened.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Whosoever Will
I ran across a new song that has really been resonating with me. I downloaded it from Amazon and put it on a CD with some other songs, and listened to it a few times on the way to work this morning, and at least 8 times on the way home.... I kept hitting the back button. Its one of those songs that feels it was written for me. I don't typically listen to the group who recorded it, the Perrys, but they did an outstanding job on this song.
All my life, I have heard the phrase "whosoever will", and have known John 3:16 since I was barely walking and talking, but it has never sunk in. I feel like I'm the exception and God grants me forgiveness grudgingly because He has to - His Word says it. I still struggle with that, but this song really hits home with me, and I have cried more than once while it played...... the bridge is really what gets me. Awesome song,
Whosoever Will, written by Wayne Haun, Joel Lindsey, and Joseph Habedank
Verse 1
She ran away at seventeen, from what no child should have to call a home
Living life out on the streets, it taught her to be able and so all alone
But one day off in the distance, she could hear the strangest words
And she ran toward the sound of what her broken heart had heard
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Verse 2
He lived a life of luxury, he lived a life of selfishness and greed
But eighty years have come and gone, and life had left him with a much greater need
Oh, but how do you start over after so much time has passed?
Then from somewhere in his childhood, these words came rolling back.
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Bridge:
You are never God-forsaken
Though you might feel that you are
But Jesus is still there waiting
For you with open arms
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
All my life, I have heard the phrase "whosoever will", and have known John 3:16 since I was barely walking and talking, but it has never sunk in. I feel like I'm the exception and God grants me forgiveness grudgingly because He has to - His Word says it. I still struggle with that, but this song really hits home with me, and I have cried more than once while it played...... the bridge is really what gets me. Awesome song,
Whosoever Will, written by Wayne Haun, Joel Lindsey, and Joseph Habedank
Verse 1
She ran away at seventeen, from what no child should have to call a home
Living life out on the streets, it taught her to be able and so all alone
But one day off in the distance, she could hear the strangest words
And she ran toward the sound of what her broken heart had heard
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Verse 2
He lived a life of luxury, he lived a life of selfishness and greed
But eighty years have come and gone, and life had left him with a much greater need
Oh, but how do you start over after so much time has passed?
Then from somewhere in his childhood, these words came rolling back.
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Bridge:
You are never God-forsaken
Though you might feel that you are
But Jesus is still there waiting
For you with open arms
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The Good News for Gays by Sam Allberry
Great article I found helpful from churchleaders.com by Sam Allberry. Original post here.
We were having lunch together and I was praying like mad. My friend had been in a committed same-sex relationship for about 15 years.
He was interested in Jesus; attracted to his teaching and message. But he wanted to know what implications becoming a Christian might have on his practicing gay lifestyle.
I had explained, as carefully and graciously as I could, that Jesus upheld and expanded the wider biblical stance on sexuality: That the only context for sexual activity was heterosexual marriage. Following Jesus would mean seeking to live under his word, in this area as in any other. He had been quiet for a moment, and then looked me in the eye and asked the billion-dollar question: ‘What could possibly be worth giving up my partner for?’
I held his gaze for a moment while my brain raced for the answer.
There was eternity, of course. There was heaven and hell. But I was conscious that these realities would seem other-worldly and intangible to him.
In any case, surely following Jesus is worth it even for this life. He was asking about life here-and-now, so I prayed for a here-and-now Bible verse to point to. I wanted him to know that following Jesus really is worth it—worth it in the life to come, but also worth it in this life now, no less so for those who have homosexual feelings.
Yes, there would be a host of hardships and difficulties: unfulfilled longings, the distress of unwanted temptation, the struggles of long-term singleness.
But I wanted him to know that following Jesus is more than worth it, even with all it entails for gay people.
And I also wanted to tell him that I had come to know this not just from studying the Bible and listening to others, but from my own personal experience.
Homosexuality is an issue I have battled with my entire Christian life. It took a long time to admit to myself, longer to admit to others, and even longer to see something of God’s good purposes through it all. There have been all sorts of ups and downs. But this battle is not devoid of blessings, as Paul discovered with his own unyielding thorn in the flesh.
Struggling with sexuality has been an opportunity to experience more of God’s grace, rather than less.
It is only in recent months I have felt compelled to be more open on this issue. For many years, I had no intention of being public about it—it is, of course, very much a personal matter.
I am conscious that raising it here may lead to any number of responses—some welcome, some perhaps less so. But over the last couple of years, I have felt increasingly concerned that, when it comes to our gay friends and family members, many of us Bible-believing Christians are losing confidence in the gospel.
We are not always convinced it really is good news for gay people.
We are not always sure we can really expect them to live by what the Bible says.
Well, as my mind raced that lunchtime, God gave me a verse to share with my friend. It demonstrates precisely why following Jesus is worth it, in this lifetime, and even when we have to give up things we could never imagine living without:
The Bible is consistent in prohibiting homosexual practice. Jesus himself condemns “sexual immorality” (Mark 7:21, for example). Though Jesus does not directly mention homosexual activity, he does include it.
The Greek word we translate as “sexual immorality” (porneia, from which we get the word pornography) is a catch-all term for any sexual activity outside heterosexual marriage.
Paul is more specific, directly referring to homosexual practice in three passages. In Romans 1:24-27 both homosexual and lesbian activity are given as examples of the “unnatural” behavior that results from turning away from God. In 1 Cor. 6:9-10 ,“homosexual offenders” are listed among those whose behavior will result in their exclusion from God’s kingdom. The word Paul uses literally translates as “men who lie with men” and comes again in 1 Tim. 1:10 (where the NIV unhelpfully translates it as “perverts”).
It is simply not possible to argue for gay relationships from the Bible.
Attempts by some church leaders to do so inevitably involve twisting some texts and ignoring others. God’s word is, in fact, clear. The Bible consistently prohibits any sexual activity outside of marriage.
As someone who experiences homosexual feelings, this is not always an easy word to hear. It has sometimes been very painful to come to terms with what the Bible says.
There have been times of acute temptation and longing—times when I have been ‘in love.’ And yet, Scripture shows that these longings are distortions of what God has created me for.
But however much we have to leave behind, we are never left out of pocket. Whatever is given up, Jesus replaces, in godly kind and greater measure. No one who leaves will fail to receive, and the returns are extraordinary—a hundredfold.
What we give up for Jesus does not compare to what he gives back. If the costs are great, the rewards are even greater, even in this life.
For myself, these include a wonderful depth of friendship God has given me with many brothers and sisters; the opportunities of singleness; the privilege of a wide-ranging ministry; and the community of a wonderful church family.
But greater than any of these things is the opportunity that any complex and difficult situation presents us with: to learn the all-sufficiency of Christ—learning that fullness of life and joy is in him and his service, and nowhere else.
There is a huge amount to say on this issue, but the main point is this: The moment you think following Jesus will be a poor deal for someone, you call Jesus a liar. Discipleship is not always easy. Leaving anything cherished behind is profoundly hard.
But Jesus is always worth it.
We were having lunch together and I was praying like mad. My friend had been in a committed same-sex relationship for about 15 years.
He was interested in Jesus; attracted to his teaching and message. But he wanted to know what implications becoming a Christian might have on his practicing gay lifestyle.
I had explained, as carefully and graciously as I could, that Jesus upheld and expanded the wider biblical stance on sexuality: That the only context for sexual activity was heterosexual marriage. Following Jesus would mean seeking to live under his word, in this area as in any other. He had been quiet for a moment, and then looked me in the eye and asked the billion-dollar question: ‘What could possibly be worth giving up my partner for?’
I held his gaze for a moment while my brain raced for the answer.
There was eternity, of course. There was heaven and hell. But I was conscious that these realities would seem other-worldly and intangible to him.
In any case, surely following Jesus is worth it even for this life. He was asking about life here-and-now, so I prayed for a here-and-now Bible verse to point to. I wanted him to know that following Jesus really is worth it—worth it in the life to come, but also worth it in this life now, no less so for those who have homosexual feelings.
Yes, there would be a host of hardships and difficulties: unfulfilled longings, the distress of unwanted temptation, the struggles of long-term singleness.
But I wanted him to know that following Jesus is more than worth it, even with all it entails for gay people.
And I also wanted to tell him that I had come to know this not just from studying the Bible and listening to others, but from my own personal experience.
Homosexuality is an issue I have battled with my entire Christian life. It took a long time to admit to myself, longer to admit to others, and even longer to see something of God’s good purposes through it all. There have been all sorts of ups and downs. But this battle is not devoid of blessings, as Paul discovered with his own unyielding thorn in the flesh.
Struggling with sexuality has been an opportunity to experience more of God’s grace, rather than less.
It is only in recent months I have felt compelled to be more open on this issue. For many years, I had no intention of being public about it—it is, of course, very much a personal matter.
I am conscious that raising it here may lead to any number of responses—some welcome, some perhaps less so. But over the last couple of years, I have felt increasingly concerned that, when it comes to our gay friends and family members, many of us Bible-believing Christians are losing confidence in the gospel.
We are not always convinced it really is good news for gay people.
We are not always sure we can really expect them to live by what the Bible says.
Well, as my mind raced that lunchtime, God gave me a verse to share with my friend. It demonstrates precisely why following Jesus is worth it, in this lifetime, and even when we have to give up things we could never imagine living without:
Peter said to Jesus, “We have left everything to follow you!”
“I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.” (Mark 10:28-30)
Following Jesus involves leaving things behind and giving things up. For gay people, it involves leaving behind a practicing gay lifestyle.The Bible is consistent in prohibiting homosexual practice. Jesus himself condemns “sexual immorality” (Mark 7:21, for example). Though Jesus does not directly mention homosexual activity, he does include it.
The Greek word we translate as “sexual immorality” (porneia, from which we get the word pornography) is a catch-all term for any sexual activity outside heterosexual marriage.
Paul is more specific, directly referring to homosexual practice in three passages. In Romans 1:24-27 both homosexual and lesbian activity are given as examples of the “unnatural” behavior that results from turning away from God. In 1 Cor. 6:9-10 ,“homosexual offenders” are listed among those whose behavior will result in their exclusion from God’s kingdom. The word Paul uses literally translates as “men who lie with men” and comes again in 1 Tim. 1:10 (where the NIV unhelpfully translates it as “perverts”).
It is simply not possible to argue for gay relationships from the Bible.
Attempts by some church leaders to do so inevitably involve twisting some texts and ignoring others. God’s word is, in fact, clear. The Bible consistently prohibits any sexual activity outside of marriage.
As someone who experiences homosexual feelings, this is not always an easy word to hear. It has sometimes been very painful to come to terms with what the Bible says.
There have been times of acute temptation and longing—times when I have been ‘in love.’ And yet, Scripture shows that these longings are distortions of what God has created me for.
But however much we have to leave behind, we are never left out of pocket. Whatever is given up, Jesus replaces, in godly kind and greater measure. No one who leaves will fail to receive, and the returns are extraordinary—a hundredfold.
What we give up for Jesus does not compare to what he gives back. If the costs are great, the rewards are even greater, even in this life.
For myself, these include a wonderful depth of friendship God has given me with many brothers and sisters; the opportunities of singleness; the privilege of a wide-ranging ministry; and the community of a wonderful church family.
But greater than any of these things is the opportunity that any complex and difficult situation presents us with: to learn the all-sufficiency of Christ—learning that fullness of life and joy is in him and his service, and nowhere else.
There is a huge amount to say on this issue, but the main point is this: The moment you think following Jesus will be a poor deal for someone, you call Jesus a liar. Discipleship is not always easy. Leaving anything cherished behind is profoundly hard.
But Jesus is always worth it.
Modesty........ it isn't just for girls
I am a big advocate in modesty. Men especially have enough trouble with sexual temptations than having to deal with immodest dress, and the guys who let their wives and daughters dress so immodestly, knowing how guys are wired, are complete nuts.
I few friends on Facebook shared a great article by a mother with young boys. In it, she took teenage girls to task for posting pictures of themselves in immodest attire and/or seductive poses on Facebook for her boys to see, and emphasized how they are trying to raise their boys right and don't want them to see stuff like that on Facebook. Great article. Read it: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/
However, in the same article, the one where she talks about girls dressing immodestly, she posted a picture of her boys in swim trunks and her daughter in a bathing suit, and another pic of one of her sons in swim trunks. I am not the only one who found that weird, absurd, ironic, even hypocrital.
I follow country singer Jimmy Wayne on Facebook. He is a Christian and a great guy. He posted the link and several people commented about the shirtless boys. He replied that boys in swim trunks was nothing like girls in a bra or towel....... Really? He is a nice looking guy, and doesn't he realize if he ever goes shirtless, that there are both women and men lusting after him because he is shirtless?
Its no secret on here that I am gay, and I will be blunt: Shirtless guys that are nice looking and in good shape are a major turn on for me. I don't have to see a fully naked man to lust or be turned on. he just has to be shirtless. That is why summer is so hard for me when I am trying to live right and serve God..... I see shirtless guys everywhere, and its really hard not to look and lust. Guys are very stimulated visually, and so a gay guy/guy that struggles with SSA, is going to be visually stimulated/tempted by shirtless guys...... so for this mother to post shirtless pictures of her boys in the same blog post where she is taking girls to task for dressing immodestly...... it just seems bizarre.
Oddly enough, she got so many comments about her pictures, that she reposted the blog with a note "where everyone is covered up", but has left the original up.
She has a great point about girls being modest and being careful about what kind of pictures they post, but the same should hold true for boys/men. She has missed the boat on that side.
I few friends on Facebook shared a great article by a mother with young boys. In it, she took teenage girls to task for posting pictures of themselves in immodest attire and/or seductive poses on Facebook for her boys to see, and emphasized how they are trying to raise their boys right and don't want them to see stuff like that on Facebook. Great article. Read it: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/
However, in the same article, the one where she talks about girls dressing immodestly, she posted a picture of her boys in swim trunks and her daughter in a bathing suit, and another pic of one of her sons in swim trunks. I am not the only one who found that weird, absurd, ironic, even hypocrital.
I follow country singer Jimmy Wayne on Facebook. He is a Christian and a great guy. He posted the link and several people commented about the shirtless boys. He replied that boys in swim trunks was nothing like girls in a bra or towel....... Really? He is a nice looking guy, and doesn't he realize if he ever goes shirtless, that there are both women and men lusting after him because he is shirtless?
Its no secret on here that I am gay, and I will be blunt: Shirtless guys that are nice looking and in good shape are a major turn on for me. I don't have to see a fully naked man to lust or be turned on. he just has to be shirtless. That is why summer is so hard for me when I am trying to live right and serve God..... I see shirtless guys everywhere, and its really hard not to look and lust. Guys are very stimulated visually, and so a gay guy/guy that struggles with SSA, is going to be visually stimulated/tempted by shirtless guys...... so for this mother to post shirtless pictures of her boys in the same blog post where she is taking girls to task for dressing immodestly...... it just seems bizarre.
Oddly enough, she got so many comments about her pictures, that she reposted the blog with a note "where everyone is covered up", but has left the original up.
She has a great point about girls being modest and being careful about what kind of pictures they post, but the same should hold true for boys/men. She has missed the boat on that side.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Friends..... and family
I took a couple of days off from work and went on a vacation of sorts from Monday evening til Saturday. I drove over 400 miles one way to spend the week with my best friend. I say vacation of sorts as it was mostly just to get away and spend time with him and some other friends where I lived for a couple of years. I did do a couple of cool things, but in the interests of staying anonymous, I'd better leave it at that.
Coming back home has been rough. Hanging out all week with my best friend has made being alone harder to handle. Loneliness has always been one of my biggest, if not THE biggest trigger in falling back into my sinful habits, but I'm really at a loss as what to do about it. Moving away once caused so much upheaval in my family and my relationship with my parents, and I really missed my nieces and nephews, that it isn't an option, but I have no one. Guys close my age are married. Married and busy. I sometimes hang out with my former co-worker, but she isn't a Christian and encourages me to be gay, though if I walked away from it, she would be supportive, but I need Christians, and guys would be nice.
I don't mean to be all "poor me", but it is a reality that most guys who are successful in beating the gay stuff have support. They have other men who they are around regularly who know and care. I have a lot of people who know, but no one does much. My Sunday School teacher meets me about once, sometimes twice, a year, as he is so busy. My pastor meets with me about once a year.
That is one reason I haven't repented and tried again. Between summer being so hard, my being so lonely, and still battling wrong views of God and trying to believe He loves me...... I don't think I'd last a week.
Growing up, I didn't have friends. All the guys that were my age picked on me, including my cousins. Maybe that is why I retreated so much into books. I got along OK mostly with the guys in college, but formed no close friendships and was mostly a loner there as in school. There was never any worries about my getting into trouble.
To this day, I see the teenage boys at church sitting with each other, talking to each other, etc, and wish I'd had that. Is there ever a time when regret won't gnaw at me for what I didn't have? At how life has treated me, and how I have turned out?
I prayed for years for a best friend, or at least a friend, and then I found a best friend, and the way we came into contact is nothing short of miraculous. I mean that....... but he was over 400 miles away. I honestly felt it was God's will to move there, and I really needed a change in scenery, but man did it go over like a lead balloon with my parents. I moved back after 2 years, and life has been the pits ever since. I have often wondered if I did the right thing in moving back, but it doesn't matter at this point. I doubt I'll ever do anything outwardly that my parents strongly disapprove of ever again. Sad. I'm 44 and my parents have me under their thumb.
I have made the statement to someone, maybe on here, and its true: if God wanted me to do something that my parents didn't want me to do, I don't think I could do it. I know that sounds terrible, but its true. I hate confrontation, and hate the uncomfortable feeling I get when my parents are unhappy with me, though I feel they are all the time anyway. There are just times it is worse.
I watched the movie "Home Run" while I was on my vacation. Awesome movie. It made me want to try the 12 step program featured in the movie, Celebrate Recovery, but I doubt I will. I'd have to explain it to my parents, and I know they'd be against it. I just know. So its easier to not rock the boat. Plus, I don't want to explain why I want to go, for that would make me talk about what we never talk about - the gay stuff. That has been thrown in a closet, locked, and the key thrown away...... as long as I act the part of the good Christian boy and don't arouse their suspicions.
I honestly believe my parents restrictiveness they have on me has made it harder to stay away from the gay stuff, harder for me to be a Christian...... but I don't think they could ever be convinced of that. I guess that just makes it more challenging for me to make it to Heaven. Like I need it to be more challenging.
Coming back home has been rough. Hanging out all week with my best friend has made being alone harder to handle. Loneliness has always been one of my biggest, if not THE biggest trigger in falling back into my sinful habits, but I'm really at a loss as what to do about it. Moving away once caused so much upheaval in my family and my relationship with my parents, and I really missed my nieces and nephews, that it isn't an option, but I have no one. Guys close my age are married. Married and busy. I sometimes hang out with my former co-worker, but she isn't a Christian and encourages me to be gay, though if I walked away from it, she would be supportive, but I need Christians, and guys would be nice.
I don't mean to be all "poor me", but it is a reality that most guys who are successful in beating the gay stuff have support. They have other men who they are around regularly who know and care. I have a lot of people who know, but no one does much. My Sunday School teacher meets me about once, sometimes twice, a year, as he is so busy. My pastor meets with me about once a year.
That is one reason I haven't repented and tried again. Between summer being so hard, my being so lonely, and still battling wrong views of God and trying to believe He loves me...... I don't think I'd last a week.
Growing up, I didn't have friends. All the guys that were my age picked on me, including my cousins. Maybe that is why I retreated so much into books. I got along OK mostly with the guys in college, but formed no close friendships and was mostly a loner there as in school. There was never any worries about my getting into trouble.
To this day, I see the teenage boys at church sitting with each other, talking to each other, etc, and wish I'd had that. Is there ever a time when regret won't gnaw at me for what I didn't have? At how life has treated me, and how I have turned out?
I prayed for years for a best friend, or at least a friend, and then I found a best friend, and the way we came into contact is nothing short of miraculous. I mean that....... but he was over 400 miles away. I honestly felt it was God's will to move there, and I really needed a change in scenery, but man did it go over like a lead balloon with my parents. I moved back after 2 years, and life has been the pits ever since. I have often wondered if I did the right thing in moving back, but it doesn't matter at this point. I doubt I'll ever do anything outwardly that my parents strongly disapprove of ever again. Sad. I'm 44 and my parents have me under their thumb.
I have made the statement to someone, maybe on here, and its true: if God wanted me to do something that my parents didn't want me to do, I don't think I could do it. I know that sounds terrible, but its true. I hate confrontation, and hate the uncomfortable feeling I get when my parents are unhappy with me, though I feel they are all the time anyway. There are just times it is worse.
I watched the movie "Home Run" while I was on my vacation. Awesome movie. It made me want to try the 12 step program featured in the movie, Celebrate Recovery, but I doubt I will. I'd have to explain it to my parents, and I know they'd be against it. I just know. So its easier to not rock the boat. Plus, I don't want to explain why I want to go, for that would make me talk about what we never talk about - the gay stuff. That has been thrown in a closet, locked, and the key thrown away...... as long as I act the part of the good Christian boy and don't arouse their suspicions.
I honestly believe my parents restrictiveness they have on me has made it harder to stay away from the gay stuff, harder for me to be a Christian...... but I don't think they could ever be convinced of that. I guess that just makes it more challenging for me to make it to Heaven. Like I need it to be more challenging.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
A dangerous precedent
I don't talk about stuff like this much on here, but this story worries me, and it should worry any Christian worth their salt: http://radio.foxnews.com/toddstarnes/top-stories/nm-court-says-christian-photographers-must-compromise-beliefs.html
You can read the story, but the gist of it is a Christian photographer couple refused to photograph a gay wedding and it has been ruled in New Mexico that Christians cannot refuse to do that.
There have been other cases: A Christian owned t-shirt company was asked to print t-shirts for a gay pride parade event. The owners refused. That one may still be up in the air. Another case where a Christian bakery was asked to make a wedding cake for a gay wedding and refused and faced backlash.
This may be surprising since I am gay and not professing any Christian experience right now, and a big part of me wishes I could have a relationship with another guy...... but these people shouldn't be forced to comply. Homosexuality is a sin, and gay marriage is a mockery of what God intended marriage to be....... yes, heterosexuals have made a mockery of marriage with divorce, shacking up, and abortion, but it still remains God does not sanction marriage between 2 people of the same gender, and a Christian should not have to do anything to help gay marriage or gay causes.
Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: A gay business owner asked to bake a cake, make a t-shirt or some other thing with a anti-gay message on it. Do you think they'd do it? No way, and the liberals and law would line up with them.
I was talking to my brother-in-law about this stuff the other night, and I made somewhat of a prediction that I'll stand by: I believe one of the first ways Christians are going to face persecution in America is going to be on the gay issue. It is becoming more and more accepted and people who dare speak against it and fight the agenda will not be tolerated. If we continue on the way we are on, pastors will face fines and imprisonment for not marrying gay couples, and the list of possibilities go on.
And we have done it to ourselves. We have sat back and let the entertainment industry become godless and push their agenda which the gay agenda has become part of. Too many Christians have voted for the wrong candidates from the lowest level up to the president of the US and voted for people who stand against everything we hold dear, and we will reap that, unfortunately.
We are fast becoming more and more godless, and those who truly stand for God and His word will be the minority. I know people who claim to be Christians who cheer on the gay causes already.... how long will Christians stand for what is right when we are already caving on this issue the Bible so clearly says is a sin, an abomination..... and yes, even though I deal with the gay crap, I am concerned, and we all should be.
You can read the story, but the gist of it is a Christian photographer couple refused to photograph a gay wedding and it has been ruled in New Mexico that Christians cannot refuse to do that.
There have been other cases: A Christian owned t-shirt company was asked to print t-shirts for a gay pride parade event. The owners refused. That one may still be up in the air. Another case where a Christian bakery was asked to make a wedding cake for a gay wedding and refused and faced backlash.
This may be surprising since I am gay and not professing any Christian experience right now, and a big part of me wishes I could have a relationship with another guy...... but these people shouldn't be forced to comply. Homosexuality is a sin, and gay marriage is a mockery of what God intended marriage to be....... yes, heterosexuals have made a mockery of marriage with divorce, shacking up, and abortion, but it still remains God does not sanction marriage between 2 people of the same gender, and a Christian should not have to do anything to help gay marriage or gay causes.
Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: A gay business owner asked to bake a cake, make a t-shirt or some other thing with a anti-gay message on it. Do you think they'd do it? No way, and the liberals and law would line up with them.
I was talking to my brother-in-law about this stuff the other night, and I made somewhat of a prediction that I'll stand by: I believe one of the first ways Christians are going to face persecution in America is going to be on the gay issue. It is becoming more and more accepted and people who dare speak against it and fight the agenda will not be tolerated. If we continue on the way we are on, pastors will face fines and imprisonment for not marrying gay couples, and the list of possibilities go on.
And we have done it to ourselves. We have sat back and let the entertainment industry become godless and push their agenda which the gay agenda has become part of. Too many Christians have voted for the wrong candidates from the lowest level up to the president of the US and voted for people who stand against everything we hold dear, and we will reap that, unfortunately.
We are fast becoming more and more godless, and those who truly stand for God and His word will be the minority. I know people who claim to be Christians who cheer on the gay causes already.... how long will Christians stand for what is right when we are already caving on this issue the Bible so clearly says is a sin, an abomination..... and yes, even though I deal with the gay crap, I am concerned, and we all should be.
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