As far as the east is from the west

   I have a friend who I'll call John. Since this is an anonymous blog where I have given myself the name Luke, I may as well stick with that anonymity and give him an alias also.

  "John" and I have been friends for around 12 years, though we have never met. He lives several states away from me, but hopefully we can meet some day. We met in a Christian Yahoo chat room at a low time in his life. He was dealing with same-sex attractions and had given in, and somehow we crossed paths in this chat room. At the time, I was in one of my "up-times" where I was abstaining from sex and porn and actually living for God, and according to him I was a big help. Due to social media, especially Facebook and cell phones, we have been been able to get to know each other even better in recent years and keep in daily contact.

  John has messaged me a few times this week about his one and only fall into immorality. It has been 12 years, but he has recently been hit with a lot of pain and guilt over his actions, and has been hitting me up on how to deal with it. I tried to come up with the right words, and I hope I was a help, but his situation has resulted in this blog post where I hope I can get across what I want to say.

   The Bible says God forgives our sins as far as the east is from the west. Someone has said the reason north and south wasn't used, is if you keep going south far enough, you'll start going north.... and vice versa. However, that doesn't happen with east and west. I assume that is true, and brings home the truth that our sins are gone forever and cannot be found.

  God doesn't bring up our sins that He has forgiven. He doesn't even berate us if we fall to them again. That "you are such a failure, aren't you ever going to stop doing that", etc comes from the devil, not God. God hasn't brought my friend's sin from 12 years ago up, the devil has brought it up and is doing his best to mess with my friend.

   John sinned with one guy. I sinned with so many that I can only put a ballpark figure on how many it may have been. I often feel regret over how I spent so much of my life, but as far as I went and as deep into sin I went, I don't really struggle too much with my past the way my friend has been lately though.

   These last three years have been the best years of my life in regards to God and my relationship with Him. I still struggle with depression and feelings of failure, but I have come to see the reality of God's love for me, and the realization that His mercy and grace are far greater and long lasting than I ever could imagine. We humans tend to remember transgressions against us, and though we may forgive, we may never trust that person again....especially if they are a repeat offender. Yet God, who knows all we have done and ever will do.....even that we are going to sin in that area again, forgives us without hesitation. And when He forgives, He doesn't sigh and remind us of how many times He has already forgiven us for that same sin,

  So my friend needs to do the same thing with his sin that God has done: leave it in the past, and let it go. When the devil brings it up, remind him that it is forgiven and that he is not that same man anymore. And then thank God for forgiveness and His love, grace, and mercy.

Here I am lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you've cast my sin as far
As the east is from the west
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night

I can't live by what I feel
About the truth your word reveals
And I'm not holding onto you
But you're holding onto me
You're holding onto me

Jesus, can you show me just how far the east is from the west?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

Just how far, the east is from the west, just how far
From one scarred hand to the other
You know just how far, the east is from the west, just how far
From one scarred hand to the other

The sins of homosexuality

 

 I accepted the fact years ago that homosexuality is a sin and that I cannot live a life pleasing to God and make it to Heaven if I engage in that sin. Too many people twist and ignore Scripture to excuse this one sin of many, but I have recently been thinking about the other sins of homosexuality. Yes, sins plural. Even if you toss out what the Bible says about homosexuality, there are other sins attached to it that you cannot toss out unless you also toss them out for heterosexuals:

1) Lust. Lust is not confined to heterosexuals. Gay people also lust just as much or more as heterosexuals, and the Bible condemns lust.

2) Pride. The Bible condemns the sin of pride more than sexual sins, and maybe even more than other sins throughout the Bible. One doesn't have to look very far to see the gay community is based on pride. Pride of body, out and proud, gay pride parades...... if pride is as bad of a sin as the Bible says it is, then it is a sin that runs rampant in the gay community.

3) Idolatry. Worship of the male body is very prevalent and a big part of the gay male scene. Many gay guys are looking for sex and want guys who have the perfect bodies. Personality and character are often not what they are looking for, but instead looks. Gay guys are obsessed with the male body.

And also, putting one's sexual desires above God is breaking the commandment of not having any gods before Him, for it is setting one's own desires and sexuality more important than God Himself.

4) Envy. Envy is rooted deeply in same-sex attraction, or vice-versa. Gay guys see what they want to be in other guys and want it. Guys who are hairy envy those who are smooth. Smooth guys envy those who are hairy. Bigger built guys envy smaller ones, guys envy penis size,  and so forth. They envy other guys' boyfriends and all things about other guys.

5) Fornication. Unless you also toss out every verse the Bible has about sexual sin and fornication - which is all sex outside of marriage - then the majority of gay people are guilty of that sin regardless of what you believe about homosexuality.... for there is a small minority of gay people who marry.....the rest of the sexually active ones are committing fornication....which is a sin.

6) Adultery. I was amazed and shocked at the amount of married guys who are out there on gay hook up sites and apps, in adult bookstores looking for sex with other guys, and even gay bath houses. Jesus Himself condemned adultery in the Gospels, and yes,,,, that includes a married guy having sex with another guy.

 And....if you're going to accept gay marriage, then any gay married couple who has in a third or more for fun, or who cheats on each other, is guilty of adultery....... and it happens. Monogamy is even rarer among gay people than heterosexuals.

7) Greed. Go in a gay bar, a gay bath house. or anywhere else where there are several gay men. Then wait until a hot young guy walks in. Guys will be all over him like flies on honey.

8) Gluttony. It is an inconvenient truth, but gay guys are much more promiscuous than their heterosexual counterparts.....they have sex often and with multiple partners. It is misconception that gluttony refers to overeating, but it refers to excess...... and you will find a lot of excess in the gay community.

 
  There are other sins associated with homosexuality, such as disobedience/not keeping God's laws, but this is a list of sins that are associated with it if you are trying to say homosexuality is a sin. I believe it is nearly impossible - actually it is impossible - to live in homosexuality/gay lifestyle and not be guilty of some or most of these sins. So if you're going to toss out what the Bible says about homosexuality, you are going to have to toss these out also.

Fighting against the cure

    Imagine there are people all around you with a deadly disease that will kill them. You yourself had that disease , but found the one cure for it. The regimen to be cured wasn't easy, and at times you felt like calling it quits and just letting the disease take over your body until you did die.....but you kept at it, did everything the doctors told you, and now you are cured from the disease.

  You are excited about the cure and try to tell others about it, but many of them don't want to hear it or even admit they are sick. They call you hateful and bigoted for daring to say they are sick. Even worse, people that aren't sick attack you for daring to offer a cure to those who are sick and also call you hateful and bigoted. The sick are all around you, but people try to shut down anyone who dares point out the dangers of the disease and that there is indeed a cure.

  Sound absurd? Of course it does, but replace sickness in my little "parable" with homosexuality, and that scenario is exactly what is happening.

  I have read all of the arguments, and believe 100% that the Bible does indeed call homosexuality a sin and says that those who engage in it will go to hell... along with liars, murderers, thieves, and any other sins.

  And yet it is becoming increasingly popular for Christians to bypass, ignore, twist, or "re-interpret" those verses to make homosexuality not a sin.

  These same Christians would offer hope of change to a drug addict, alcoholic, porn addict (maybe, it is possible they are OK with porn also), or any other sin.... but when it comes to this one sin, they don't believe the person has any need to repent and should continue in that life and claim to be a Christian. They refuse to admit  there is a cure for homosexuality, and refuse to offer hope to them that God can truly change them and they can be set free from homosexuality.

  Is that really love? How could any intelligent, compassionate, and true Christian ignore the facts? How could they know what goes on with the majority of gay people, and deny that it is bondage, sinful, and people are truly not free living that life? How can they hate those who offer hope of freedom from that?

   I know a lot about this issue. I have read a lot, seen a lot, experienced a lot, talked to a lot of guys in that lifestyle and who have left it. I don't claim to be an expert at much, but I would wager I have more insight and more inside information on what it is really like to have same-sex attractions, and what it is like to act out on them than the non-gay people arguing for homosexuality/

  And I believe without a shadow of a doubt that it is wrong, that it is dangerous to the health and emotions, and no one can ever be at peace and find happiness and satisfaction engaging in it. Homosexuality is just like any other sin: it is bondage, not freedom. I have posted about the dangers of homosexuality before, but let me re-cap a few points:

1) Gay people - especially men - are much more promiscuous than heterosexual men. Monogamy is rare, and almost impossible.... and likely impossible.

2) Gay men are at a much higher risk of HIV, AIDS, and other STDs.

3) Gay men typically have a shorter average life span than heterosexual males.

4) Gay men have more emotional and mental issues than heterosexual men.

    The gay lifestyle is so shallow. Looks are everything, and there is an idolization of the male body even more than in heterosexual circles. Young boys that are legal - and often times not legal - are like raw meat in front of dogs when they walk into a gay bar or some other venue where gay men are at. They get used and tossed aside even more often and at a faster rate than young girls do.... and yet our Christian pro-gay friends would encourage young boys (and girls) to embrace their sexuality and live the gay life. Is that really love?

  Freedom is possible for those with same-sex attractions. No, it isn't easy, but being a Christian isn't supposed to be easy. Kicking alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction, and other habitual sins is not easy.... but we don't urge those people to just go with their sin/habit.....yet we do so with gay people. We have picked this one sin to say it isn't a sin and refuse to offer the hope of freedom from it to those mired in it.

  True happiness and satisfaction is only found in repenting of and forsaking your sin, and following Jesus wholeheartedly. Homosexuality does not get a special pass, and must be laid aside to follow Jesus along with any other sin.

  I am thankful for those who walked this road before me and are out there telling their stories. These who have walked away from homosexuality and show that true freedom IS possible in Jesus.

 If Christians truly love gay people, they will offer them that same hope - that Jesus can deliver them from homosexuality and they don't have to stay in that sin. That is what loving gay people truly looks like - offering the cure, not denying there is one or any need for one.

Affirming people to hell, re-post and updated

 

   There is a move on to bridge the gap between the church and gay people. I have run across several blogs/people lately where they are advocating loving gay people more, and reaching out to them more in love as a church and Christians. This is not an exhaustive list, but here are a few of them:

Spiritual friendship
The Tethered Soul
A Joyful Stammering
The Marin Foundation
Love Is An Orientation
Redemption Pictures

   And there are more. And it is needed. Hey, I deal with same-sex attractions and wish more people had  reached out and loved me -  not accepted my sin, but loved me..... and I still wish more people would get involved in my life enough to help in this area. The church has really done a terrible job with homosexuality. People shouldn't have to hide their struggles in church, but too many do. I did for years, and only this year did I finally stop caring and "outted" myself. One of the blogs I referenced above has a great blog post about having to hide here.

   I am definitely not arguing against what they want to do, but I worry some are taking it too far. Micah Murray who runs the blog, Redemption Pictures, goes overboard in my opinion. He seems to believe Christians should just step aside and let the militant gays force them to bake cakes for gay weddings, photograph gay weddings, etc..... his blog isn't about gay struggles, as he is straight, but he does blog a lot about loving gay people more.... I just worry he goes too far, as others may. There IS a gay agenda out there, and if they get their way, it would be a hate crime to say homosexuality is wrong. Ministers could be forced to perform gay marriages.... it has happened in other countries..... I think Micah would vote for gay marriage if given a chance, just to show he loves them.

   That aside, here is the point I am getting to: I fear if people go too far with this loving and accepting gay people, they may affirm them right into hell. The Bible definitely says homosexuality is a sin, and homosexuals are listed among those who will go to hell (not for being gay, but for living in sin and not repenting). I agree no one needs to beat gay people over the head day after day telling them they are a sinner, but if people affirm them in such a way as to pat them on the back and tell them they are fine the way they are.......those loving people could help send them to hell.

   If the gay person is a "gay Christian". as in having sex and a relationship with another person of the same sex, and they are affirmed and never confronted in any way, what favor is the loving person doing them? If a Christian never offers the hope in Jesus of walking away from homosexuality, how on earth is that loving people? And believe me, there are multitudes of gay people unhappy and miserable in their sin.... and the ones who say they are not, are just good liars.

  Everyone needs to be loved and accepted as a person, but we don't affirm others living in sin and claiming to be a Christian.

We don't affirm the drug addict and not encourage change and repentance

We don't affirm the thief and not encourage change and repentance

We don't affirm the prostitute and not encourage change and repentance

   I firmly believe a Christian cannot live the gay lifestyle, as in engage in sex with the same gender, and anyone who is doing so should not be affirmed as a Christian..... but the same should be said with other sins. Heterosexual sex outside of marriage is still a sin, and people doing it should not be accepted and affirmed as Christians.

  There is a line that shouldn't be crossed, and I'm not sure where the line is and all there is to know about it, but we are called to carry the Gospel to everyone..... yes, we are to love everyone, but if we are constantly rubbing shoulders with people living in sin and allow them to think they are OK in that sin, we are not being their friend, and they may curse us some day when they stand before God and are condemned to hell for living a sinful life.

   Micah Murray and others seem to feel gay people don't need to be told they are wrong and sinning, just loved. I believe there must be a mix. People trying to love gays should never compromise and let the gay people think their sin is OK with God and that it isn't a sin. It is. How that is all worked out, I don't know, and I'd love to have a real discussion about it with someone who is trying to love gay people but not ever address the sin.

  Maybe I have done a terrible job of getting my point across, but I think the concern needs to be raised. Everyone needs to be loved and accepted as a person, but no one should have their sin ignored and excused.

What does freedom look like?

  **After I typed this up, a woman on a Facebook group page I am on claimed that I was not delivered from homosexuality.... so this is not in reply to her, but something I wrote before she said that.
 What does freedom look like? I spent many years hooking up with other guys for sex, chatting in gay chat-rooms, spending time on gay hookup sites and apps, hours spent viewing pornography, and hours spent thinking about sex with guys and pursuing sex with guys......and a lot of money wasted on the pursuit of sex and pleasure.

   Then in December of 2013, I had the long awaited breakthrough. I am sure there were other contributing factors, but after a lifetime of not believing God loved me - or even liked me - I finally came face to face with the reality and belief that He does indeed love me more than I could ever imagine or grasp. It made an immediate difference in my life. I went from trying to serve God and do right so I could escape hell, to wanting to serve God because He loves me.

    Almost overnight, my desires and attractions started to abate. The constant temptation and desire to hook up started going away, until it is so rare and slight, it is barely a ripple. Porn is still a battle, but it is losing the hold it held on me for so long. I am still attracted to other guys and struggle not to compare myself with them, but the constant war going on inside of me is gone. I may always be attracted to men and have the wish and desire for someone to love, but God has broken the hold it had on me and shattered the chains that held me tightly all of those years. My sexuality no longer rules and controls me.

  There are many who would scoff at the idea of me being free from homosexuality. The fact that I am still attracted to other men would be proof to them that I am not free. Sadly many Christians would agree with that sentiment.

  But what does true freedom look like? Is it freedom to have all attractions and desires for other men wiped completely away and be turned into a heterosexual? I would simply be trading sexuality to be tempted by. I would then battle lusting after women instead of men.

  Could freedom possibly be the breaking of a hold sin has on a person, and grace to say no to the temptations and desires?

The alcoholic saved from alcoholism will most likely be tempted many times in his life to drink.

The drug addict saved from his addiction will face temptations and desires to do the drugs he did for so long.

The porn addict saved from pornography will still be tempted many times to go back to porn.

The gay man saved from homosexuality will likely always be attracted to other guys and may or may not be able to marry a woman and make it work... but will still be attracted to and desire other guys.

The gambler may be saved from his addiction, but will often be tempted to do it again.

  So are these people free, or not free?

  My best friend's father came up with an interesting theory that may or may not hold water. He pointed out how some people are instantly delivered from sinful habits to never have the desire and temptation for them again, and yet others battle the temptation and desires for the rest of their life. What if the former are people God knows can't handle the battle and temptations of their former habit/life, while the latter He knows will be strengthened by the struggle and desires?

  It is an interesting theory. And I do believe I have been made stronger by still having these temptations and struggles and not giving in to them.

  And I have come to believe that true freedom is God making a person strong enough and giving enough grace that they can say no to the temptations and desires instead of giving in. Is it any less a miracle or deliverance for God to break the hold a sin has on a person and make them strong enough to withstand the temptation, than it would be for Him to remove all temptation and desire for it? Is it possible that the greater miracle and freedom comes when a person still has the desires and temptations but is able to serve God and not give in because of God's grace and strength He provides?

  The Bible says we will be tempted. Being a Christian doesn't mean an absence of temptation, but a guarantee that we will be tempted. And the devil is not going to tempt us in areas that aren't an issue with us, but in the areas where it is an issue and something we struggle with. That is life for a Christian. But we serve a God who is able to help us say no to any temptation or desire, even ones that ruled our lives for years.

  True freedom is not the absence of temptation or desire for a sin, but is the breaking of the hold it has on a person and the grace to not give into those temptations and desires. So yes, I am free indeed.

My story

    I have blogged about my past before, but I had someone in a Facebook group ask how I got to where I am now, so I am going to answer via this post, which I hope I can keep to a reasonable length.

Early childhood

    I was raised for part of my life in an un-Christian home. My parents had served God and walked away from Him before I was born. My Christian grandmother on my dad's side convinced them to enroll myself and my sisters in a Christian school, so I did have that influence. We attended Sunday School couple of times a month, but never stayed for the worship service... my dad was afraid he'd feel convicted if he heard a sermon.

  I felt unloved by my father. When I was around the age of 8, my mom told me he felt I was too old to hug and kiss. He never hugged me since, other than a quick hug after my high school graduation.... I can't even remember any positive touches from him over the years. I felt he disapproved of me, something reinforced by some of the comments he made over the years.

  When I was 12, a couple of things happened in our lives that woke my parents up - losing everything we owned and a death in the family within 9 day -  and they came back to God and the church. I was saved shortly after, though I am not sure I understood it at that point.

Junior high - high school

  Even though I attended a Christian school, most of the kids in junior high and high school were not Christians and I was picked on and bullied a lot - more than most people know. I wasn't good at sports, nor was I interested in them. No one wanted me on their team, and I was required to play whatever sport was played for gym class. I had no male friends, and my male cousins ignored me or picked on me also at times. Girls were safe, and I hung out with them a lot.

  There was a time one year in junior high when the other boys got me doing some stuff bordering on sexual, and there was actually some sexual contact. Eventually, an older student pulled me aside and said I needed to stop, or he would tell my parents, so I stopped.

   I discovered masturbation on my own around age 13. I soon needed something to get off to, and started using the trashy romance novels that had rather graphic sex scenes in them. I always found myself focusing more on the man in the sex scenes and the front of the book, and ran onto a few books where there were actually sex scenes between guys. Coupled that with my liking to look at shirtless guys and my viewing boys as totally different from me, it should have been a clue to me what was going on..... but I didn't get it.

Bible college

  I graduated, a very insecure and shy kid who didn't think anyone liked or loved me.... including God. I started attending Bible college where I was again picked on to some extent, but not as bad nor with the intent to be mean, that I know of.

   I started dating because it was the thing to do, and it never went anywhere. Being on a Bible college campus where the dating rules were very strict and physical contact prohibited. That relationship was short, and 2 years later I tried again. While dating that girl, it finally hit me what was going on... I was gay. (I was very naive and barely knew what homosexuality was while growing up).I broke up with the girl I was dating after a few months and called it quits for dating,

   I was convinced I was going to hell for these feelings, and it was a few years til I realized the Bible condemns the sexual acts, not the feelings.

My first sexual experience

  Three months after breaking off my dating relationship, I was in a bookstore near my home and ran across some porn magazines in a back row. To my amazement, they had gay porn - I honestly had no clue such a thing existed. With a face that was probably red as could be, I purchased a couple and exited the store. I was immediately approached by a man who saw me buy them and asked if I wanted oral sex. I went with him and had my first sexual experience ever - with another guy at that - and immediately wanted more.

The cycle

  This started years of porn addiction and sexual hookups. I would repent over and over, only to go back to the sex and porn. I eventually lost track of how many guys I had been with, but a ballpark figure would shock most people. The whole time, I attended church and acted the part of a Christian who had it all together. There were guys who wanted more than a hookup and wanted to have a relationship, but I knew it wouldn't last, that I would eventually have to break it off to serve God, so I never went for it. Besides, it would have been harder to cover up than my secret sexual life of sexual encounters.

 Over the years, I started confiding in people until it became easy to tell people what I struggled with, which resulted in my "coming out" on my public blog this year.

The breakthrough

   And then in December of 2013, I had a break through. I had read books about how to get free, read stories of others who had, and heard testimonies and despaired of ever getting free. But that month, I finally came to the belief and realization that God did indeed love me. I had always tried to serve Him out of fear and the desire to do right, but this knowledge that He loved me changed me completely. Almost overnight, the temptations to hook up started going away. I deleted all of my hook-up apps and profiles on gay dating and hook-up sites. I did hook up a couple of times after that, but eventually the temptation and desire to do so went away and rarely surfaces. When it does, it is very slight and hardly a problem. I can't remember the last time I gave in, but it has to be over two years now...... and that is a miracle.

  The attractions for other guys haven't left, nor the temptation to lust and view porn, but God has helped me a lot in these areas. Some may not consider it true freedom, but God has broken the chains that held me bound for so many years and set me free from being controlled by my sexual desires. Being in contact with ministries for people with unwanted sexual attractions and other people who are desiring to be free from homosexuality has also helped and encouraged me.

   I may never be attracted to women, and I am OK with that. My goal should not be heterosexuality, but being like Jesus. As Christopher Yuan, a man saved from the gay lifestyle and drugs put it: the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality, but holiness. God asks no more of me or anyone else who is gay/same-sex attracted: Take up your cross, deny yourself - yes, even your gay identity - and follow Him.

The gay cross

I have come to view my struggles with homosexuality as a cross. Now when Jesus said to take up your cross, I am sure most people don't think of that cross as something like homosexuality, but I believe the cross we bear isn't always just scorn or persecution because we are a Christian, which let's face it, not many of us go through much persecution here in America.

   Is it a stretch to think of homosexuality as a cross? I don't believe so. We as humans are like a river. We tend to take the path of least resistance. Most of my life, I did just that. Oh, I tried occasionally to come back to God when the guilt and misery got to me, but for most of my adult years I didn't carry this cross.

  Thankfully, in the last few years I have come to fully believe God does indeed love me and have come to know Him as I never have before. And I finally did what Jesus commanded of all of us: I took up my cross to truly follow Him.

  What does it even mean to carry a cross? Obviously it isn't a physical wooden cross like Jesus carried, but Jesus had to mean what He said. Being a Christian isn't supposed to be easy. Oh, it isn't a drudgery, but it isn't going to be hunky dory 24/7 365 days a year having the world loving us if we truly live for God.

  So for me, denying myself and taking up a cross means denying what comes so naturally - being attracted to other guys and giving into those attractions and desires - and instead following God and finding my identity in Him, not my sexuality. It isn't easy. I'd like someone to love, I got too used to sexual release, of being with another man getting off sexually. There are still Christians who look at guys like me in disgust. There are others who think I am nuts for denying my sexuality and living a celibate life. The openly gay crowd hates guys like me for even daring to suggest that someone may not want to be gay, that change is possible or necessary, and that homosexuality is indeed a sin and wrong in God's eyes.

  It all adds up to a pretty heavy cross to carry.

   I don't think heterosexual people get it. For we who deal with the feelings of same-sex attraction, it is just as much a part of us as attraction for an attractive woman is for a heterosexual male. Just as a heterosexual guy often has a battle to fight in his mind when an attractive woman walks by him, so the same battle is fought in the mind of a man who is struggling with homosexual desires and attractions. There is a difference though. The heterosexual male can marry and have a relationship blessed by God. The one dealing with same-sex attraction never can......if he is truly living for God. It doesn't matter what state or elected official says it is OK, it will never be blessed by God, will never not be a sin.

  All too many men and boys who are in the church, and are dealing with this issue do so silently. They fear what their family, friends, fellow church goers, would say if they knew. They fear they will be ostracized, put on the same level as a child molester. No one would want to be their friend. So day after day, month after month, year after year, they serve God, all the while, trying to deal with these feelings they have. Feelings they know are wrong, but feelings and desires they never asked for. They sit in the church pew week after week wishing they could tell someone, but afraid to do so.

   And they aren't wrong. Many in the church would look down on them, brand them a child molester. After all, these are the same people who say we "choose" to be this way. We "choose" to have these desires. Are they nuts?! If they could feel the way we feel, see what it is like to have a war raging in our hearts and minds - to be tugged in what feels so natural, yet so wrong. I read a quote once by a homosexual person - they asked why would anyone want to feel this way? How true.

    Other Christians can call people to pray for them if they are having problems. People will go to the altar, and get up and admit they have problems in this area, or that, and people nod in understanding, and admire them for admitting they are having struggles. I came to a point that I quit going to the altar. Too many preachers would harp on the fact that you should pray out loud, confess to your sins, not "hang over the altar, put your head on your arms and pray silently". There was no way I was going to do that. The church gossips would have a field day! So when I felt I needed to pray, I would wait out the altar call and pray at home, where no one would hear my sins and judge me as a horrible sinner. I figured it was best to keep hiding in the shadows and keep my mask in place.

   A lot of people now know. I have men who call themselves my friend, who know, but they never ask me how I am doing. Never ask if there is something they can do to help me. I have had 2 pastors try to help me, and they were a help, but I never knew of them to read up on how to help, yet they admitted they weren't sure how to handle it. Were my problem marriage-related, alcohol, cigarettes, and "normal" sins and issues, they would have no problem talking to me and checking up on me. And I know some churches do better than others, but that isn't the norm.

   Then there are the comments. Even Christians can say thoughtless and cruel things. Homosexuality seems to be a fun thing to make comments about. I have had to stand and listen to all kinds of remarks, and act normal. I will never forget the time someone was speaking, and made a statement about homosexuality. A guy who was my friend, someone I had hung out with before he married, leaned up and said "they should just round all of those people up and hang them". I was crushed and hurt, and he had no clue he had just shredded my heart.

   More recently, I sat through a Sunday School class where same sex marriage was being discussed. I sat there fighting tears and the desire to walk out, as I heard references to those perverts, that they wouldn't want those kind of people around their kids, that those perverts are no different than rapists and child molesters. As I sat there, I am sure those people had no idea they were causing one of their own so much pain and hurt.

  Since I first published this post almost 7 years ago, the subject has come up a few other times in my Sunday School class, and with much better results. There were no negative or hateful comments, but it was discussed in a loving and intelligent way. It may help that the ones who were so hateful the first time do not come back to my class anymore, and there were several people in attendance who know I struggle with SSA.....

  I have also finally "outted" myself. I have another blog where like the show Cheers, "everyone knows my name" and who I am...... and I have done several posts now where I admit what I deal with. I don't get too detailed about my past or sexual activities, as people don't need to know all of that.

 
   And those who come out as Christians who struggle with this issue get it from both sides. The church, where most people still view them as perverse people, and the gay militants who want to shut up anyone who suggests they can, or need, to change.

And so we carry our cross. The cross of sexual desires we know are wrong, but can't get rid of, the cross of loneliness, wishing we had someone to love, and the cross of shame. Life would be easier in some ways, if we laid the cross down, and "embraced our sexuality", yet, we cannot do that, and live a life that is pleasing to God.

  Living the Christian life was never supposed to be easy. It may seem that others have a lighter cross, or no cross at all, but none of us know what the other person is going through. There aren't many people in my church or circle of friends who would have any idea what I deal with.

The gay cross? Indeed. And very possibly, one of the most difficult to carry...... but it is worth it. I have peace like I never had in my "gay days". I have the assurance that God loves me and that I am living a life pleasing to Him. I am striving not to be "straight", but holy and like Jesus.

 And Jesus asks no less or more of me than anyone else. Whoever we are, whatever our sin or struggle, we must repent of it, deny ourselves, and follow Him.