I was surprised to find out you are a woman, but that definitely doesn't disqualify your input. If at some point you want to share privately how homosexuality has impacted you, feel free. I defintely don't have all the answers, but I obviously know a lot about it.
You're correct. Homosexuality is a big issue. Thing is, so many people think its all about sex, and it isn't. I believe even the most raging gay guy that claims he is 100% happy with his sexuality, is dealing with deep emotional needs he is trying to bury with sex. A new friend of mine I made through my blog who struggles with SSA was discussing this with me via email: He and I both do not struggle with being attracted to or tempted with lusting after, men we know well, i.e. at church. My best friend struggles with SSA, and I am not attracted to him, nor tempted to lust. Why? Because I feel accepted by these guys. I see them as just guys, not sexual objects. My email friend said if I could see all guys that way, it would help a lot, but I don't. The average attractive, cute, or "hot" guy I run across are guys I feel intimidated by, who I feel I have nothing in common..... they are to me what women are to a heterosexual male - opposite of me, and something to desire and be attracted to.
I'm starved for male attention and affection. Sex is a poor substitute for godly male affection and camderie, but on some level, it fills that need, though only temporarily and superficially. I don't know your circunmstance, but assume you are close to the someone dealing with SSA. If it is a male, the more positive males he has to affirm him, love him, truly be his friend and care about him, the better off he will be.
The church has made homosexuality such a bad sin, that guys like me almost feel like we have committed the unpardonable sin. It IS a bad sin, but it is just like any other sin in that God will forgive it as easily and completely as any other...... and as difficult as it seems, deliver from the sin, though deliverance may not look like what I want it to, and will involve work and a close relationship with God.
Thanks for the book recommendation. If I had not used up all my Amazon gift cards, I'd buy it right now, but will put it on my wish list. Sounds worth reading.
Thanks also for your birthday wish and prayers, and your input. It is rarer than it should be for Christians to take an interest in the soul and battles of another, especially when they do not know them..... I hope and pray I can do that for someone some day. Your words and prayers are helpful, and I have re-read them and taken them to heart. May God bless you for your kindness.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
This Is Our Time
It was around midnight last night and I didn't feel like going to bed, so I pulled up Netlifx on my pc. I tried to cancel it last month, but missed it by one day, and it put my final date late this month, so I figured I may as well get one more movie out of them - money is tight enough that I can't justify the $7.95 a month.
I had heard a little about a Christian movie, This Is Our Time, and decided to watch it. My reasons were far from pure..... it had some nice looking young guys in it, but by the time the movie was over, that was far from my mind.
The movie is about 5 young people who are good friends, 3 guys and 2 women, who have just graduated from a Christian college, and about God's purpose in their lives. I found myself totally relating to the one guy. He felt like he was on the sidelines, benched, and couldn't understand why God wasn't working things out in his life, but that wasn't the biggest thing I walked away from the movie with, though that did have a big impact on me.
I don't want to give too much away, in case someone reading this blog post decides to watch the movie, but there is a tragedy that happens in the movie and the friends are struggling to understand it, understand why God let it happen, especially when they were doing God's work. One of the friends launched into a sermon of sorts, and that is the part that has been resonating in my mind. His friend had made some kind of comment about it should be easier when you're doing God's will, and this guy replied with this, not verbatim:
"O yeah? Tell that to Paul. Tell that to Stephen. Tell that to Moses, tell that to the other people in the Bible They didn't have it easy. They were stoned, they were whipped, they had their heads cut off, they were nailed to a cross. The people in the Bible who we look at as the greatest heroes of the faith didn't have it easy. They had it hard, so what makes you think it should be any easier for us?"
Good question. Why do we think we should have it easy? Why do we think we should have a life that is perfect, goes just the way we want it to, because we are serving God? Granted, I am not doing so right now, and have never had the kind of relationship I should have with God, nor have I felt I was in the center of His will doing some work He had for me, but still.....there is nothing in the Bible to indicate being a Christian is going to be a cakewalk, that everything will go just peachy for us and we will never have adversity. Just the opposite is promised.
I've prayed and begged God to make me "normal." Even if I ever get the kind of relationship with God that I need, I will still battle homosexuality. I will still battle loneliness. I have been thinking lately about how daunting the idea of walking away from it and living as I should is. Its hard to do alone, yet I don't have friends to hang out with a lot, to be involved and be there for me...... but is that an excuse to not do it? Does that give me license to go on living this way? No. It won't be easy. It will be hard, more difficult than anyone else can imagine, but it beats being whipped, stoned, nailed to a cross, boiled in oil..... it beats having no arms or legs like Nick Vujicic, or paralyzed from the neck down like Joni Eareckson Tada.
The guy in the movie had it right. The people we look at as the greatest heroes of the faith are the ones who went through the most, the ones who didn't - and don't - have it easy. And if we are one of those who don't have it easy, who knows how God might use us if we hang in there, keep on serving and trusting Him, and not give up.
I had heard a little about a Christian movie, This Is Our Time, and decided to watch it. My reasons were far from pure..... it had some nice looking young guys in it, but by the time the movie was over, that was far from my mind.
The movie is about 5 young people who are good friends, 3 guys and 2 women, who have just graduated from a Christian college, and about God's purpose in their lives. I found myself totally relating to the one guy. He felt like he was on the sidelines, benched, and couldn't understand why God wasn't working things out in his life, but that wasn't the biggest thing I walked away from the movie with, though that did have a big impact on me.
I don't want to give too much away, in case someone reading this blog post decides to watch the movie, but there is a tragedy that happens in the movie and the friends are struggling to understand it, understand why God let it happen, especially when they were doing God's work. One of the friends launched into a sermon of sorts, and that is the part that has been resonating in my mind. His friend had made some kind of comment about it should be easier when you're doing God's will, and this guy replied with this, not verbatim:
"O yeah? Tell that to Paul. Tell that to Stephen. Tell that to Moses, tell that to the other people in the Bible They didn't have it easy. They were stoned, they were whipped, they had their heads cut off, they were nailed to a cross. The people in the Bible who we look at as the greatest heroes of the faith didn't have it easy. They had it hard, so what makes you think it should be any easier for us?"
Good question. Why do we think we should have it easy? Why do we think we should have a life that is perfect, goes just the way we want it to, because we are serving God? Granted, I am not doing so right now, and have never had the kind of relationship I should have with God, nor have I felt I was in the center of His will doing some work He had for me, but still.....there is nothing in the Bible to indicate being a Christian is going to be a cakewalk, that everything will go just peachy for us and we will never have adversity. Just the opposite is promised.
The guy in the movie had it right. The people we look at as the greatest heroes of the faith are the ones who went through the most, the ones who didn't - and don't - have it easy. And if we are one of those who don't have it easy, who knows how God might use us if we hang in there, keep on serving and trusting Him, and not give up.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Love's playlist
Today was my birthday. I turned 44, and handled it better than the last few birthdays. 40 was rough..... I cried before, during, and after it. Sounds dumb. It just seemed I'd have it together by 40, and I didn't.
Things haven't been too bad lately........well, I guess they aren't good, I've just been trying to change my outlook on things. I'm not where I need to be with God, nor am I ready to take all the steps I need to take to be there. As my one commenter on here has said, it is going to take some hard effort and serious commitment on my part, and to be honest, I'm not there yet. I am trying to keep a more positive attitude and have done pretty good with not mentally wishing I could kill myself constantly as I had been doing for the last several months.
I've also been trying to read at least one verse in the Bible. It is often the same verse a few nights in a row, using different versions of the Bible. I'm also praying. They aren't long prayers, and pretty much consist of my asking God to help me believe that He loves me, to find Him for real - to have a real relationship with Him, to help me get my life straightened out, and for help with a job.
I was taught growing up, and am pretty sure I heard preachers preach it, that the only prayer of a sinner that God hears, is one of repentance. Depending on your theology, I may not be a sinner, though I see myself as one..... regardless, I am definitely not where I need to be with God, and maybe He won't answer some prayers, like for a job, but hopefully He will answer the spiritual related requests.
I did get a call about a job this week. It is something I am interested in, pays better than any job I've had. I don't know if it is full time, but they are supposed to be doing a background check, then calling me in for an interview, so here is hoping it goes well. My money situation is getting to the point I am getting worried. To add to it, I got a speeding fine, though they did give me two extra weeks to pay it, and I can call in then and extend it more if I need to..... which I am going to need to do.
Since I struggle so much to believe God loves me, I have been trying to work on that. I've read a few books lately that deal with it. I also made a playlist of all of the songs on my Ipod/Itunes about God's love, hoping it will help to listen to songs focusing on that. We even sang two of my favorite hymns on that subject in church this morning, "And Can It Be" (Amazing love, how can it be...), and "My Savior's Love." Maybe if I listen to those kind of songs enough, it will start to sink in. I came up with over 80 songs for my playlist, and that was just Southern Gospel. I haven't gone through the praise and worship and CCM songs on my Ipod yet...... I have over 6000 songs on there, so it takes a while.
I don't want to take credit for my more hopeful outlook. Yes, I am making a concentrated effort to be more positive, but I know there are people praying for me, some through this blog, and I appreciate that and do not take it for granted. The prayers are helping.
One of the songs on my "love playlist" that has been sticking with me is one titled "He Loved Me Anyway". If I could really grasp and believe what it says, I would be making great strides in this area. Maybe I need to listen to it over and over. Lyrics below, and the youtube video below that:
He Loved Me Anyway
Verse 1
She had a moment on a back wooden pew
Of a white church with a cotton field view
It was a tugging she couldn’t explain
She could hear God calling by her name
For a second she wanted something more
But she walked out the door
Chorus 1
As He watched her go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping she’d be back some day
When He looked at her, He knew she’d walk away
But He loved her anyway
Verse 2
He woke up in a motel room
By a woman that he barely knew
Opened the drawer of the cheap night stand
Held a Gideon Bible in his hand
In the silence, he wanted something more
But he walked out the door
Chorus 2
As He watched him go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping he’d be back some day
When He looked at him, He knew he’d walk away
But He loved him anyway
Bridge:
For so many years, I walked out that same door
But when I finally decided to stay
I realized all those times that He loved me anyway
Chorus 3
As He watched me go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping I’d be back some day
When He looked at me, He knew I’d walk away
But He loved me anyway
Things haven't been too bad lately........well, I guess they aren't good, I've just been trying to change my outlook on things. I'm not where I need to be with God, nor am I ready to take all the steps I need to take to be there. As my one commenter on here has said, it is going to take some hard effort and serious commitment on my part, and to be honest, I'm not there yet. I am trying to keep a more positive attitude and have done pretty good with not mentally wishing I could kill myself constantly as I had been doing for the last several months.
I've also been trying to read at least one verse in the Bible. It is often the same verse a few nights in a row, using different versions of the Bible. I'm also praying. They aren't long prayers, and pretty much consist of my asking God to help me believe that He loves me, to find Him for real - to have a real relationship with Him, to help me get my life straightened out, and for help with a job.
I was taught growing up, and am pretty sure I heard preachers preach it, that the only prayer of a sinner that God hears, is one of repentance. Depending on your theology, I may not be a sinner, though I see myself as one..... regardless, I am definitely not where I need to be with God, and maybe He won't answer some prayers, like for a job, but hopefully He will answer the spiritual related requests.
I did get a call about a job this week. It is something I am interested in, pays better than any job I've had. I don't know if it is full time, but they are supposed to be doing a background check, then calling me in for an interview, so here is hoping it goes well. My money situation is getting to the point I am getting worried. To add to it, I got a speeding fine, though they did give me two extra weeks to pay it, and I can call in then and extend it more if I need to..... which I am going to need to do.
Since I struggle so much to believe God loves me, I have been trying to work on that. I've read a few books lately that deal with it. I also made a playlist of all of the songs on my Ipod/Itunes about God's love, hoping it will help to listen to songs focusing on that. We even sang two of my favorite hymns on that subject in church this morning, "And Can It Be" (Amazing love, how can it be...), and "My Savior's Love." Maybe if I listen to those kind of songs enough, it will start to sink in. I came up with over 80 songs for my playlist, and that was just Southern Gospel. I haven't gone through the praise and worship and CCM songs on my Ipod yet...... I have over 6000 songs on there, so it takes a while.
I don't want to take credit for my more hopeful outlook. Yes, I am making a concentrated effort to be more positive, but I know there are people praying for me, some through this blog, and I appreciate that and do not take it for granted. The prayers are helping.
One of the songs on my "love playlist" that has been sticking with me is one titled "He Loved Me Anyway". If I could really grasp and believe what it says, I would be making great strides in this area. Maybe I need to listen to it over and over. Lyrics below, and the youtube video below that:
He Loved Me Anyway
Verse 1
She had a moment on a back wooden pew
Of a white church with a cotton field view
It was a tugging she couldn’t explain
She could hear God calling by her name
For a second she wanted something more
But she walked out the door
Chorus 1
As He watched her go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping she’d be back some day
When He looked at her, He knew she’d walk away
But He loved her anyway
Verse 2
He woke up in a motel room
By a woman that he barely knew
Opened the drawer of the cheap night stand
Held a Gideon Bible in his hand
In the silence, he wanted something more
But he walked out the door
Chorus 2
As He watched him go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping he’d be back some day
When He looked at him, He knew he’d walk away
But He loved him anyway
Bridge:
For so many years, I walked out that same door
But when I finally decided to stay
I realized all those times that He loved me anyway
Chorus 3
As He watched me go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping I’d be back some day
When He looked at me, He knew I’d walk away
But He loved me anyway
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Is gay the problem?
I love to read, but tend to read mostly Christian fiction. Maybe I'm shallow, but I rarely read non-fiction, and maybe that is one reason I have had a hard time really getting into reading the Bible. You can't read it like a fiction novel. That, and I have tended to read it more out of duty.
Lately, I have been reading more non-fiction books, and that along with the comments of man on here who sounds like he was raised the same way I was, have caused me to do a lot of thinking. Maybe being gay isn't my problem. Oh, it is definitely wrong and harder to deal with than anyone can imagine, unless you have been there yourself, but I've spent so much time on it. If I'm not giving into it and looking for sexual hook-ups with other guys, I am spending all my energy trying to fight it, and I need to fight it.
But what if homosexuality was taken out of the equation. What if I woke up tomorrow suddenly straight? Would I suddenly be freed from all my doubts, chains, fears? Would I suddenly develop the urge to be monogamous and not seek out anonymous sexual encounters?
The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that not much would change. All my lust would simply be transferred to women, instead of men. Because sex isn't the core issue. The core issue is that I have never been able to have the right kind of relationship with God. I've never been able to believe that He loves me, never been able to love Him. There are a lot of factors: getting picked on as a kid, hell and brimstone messages to scare me to the altar, lack of or perceived lack of love from my father, controlling parents, poor self esteem issues, the feeling I can never measure up to anyone's expectations. And yes, my being gay. Some of those things factored into my being gay, but being gay has also factored into my God issues.
I was a late bloomer. I was 21, and in Bible college when I realized I was gay. Looking back, I can see the attractions started way before that, but I was a naive' kid and barely knew what gay was, I was so sheltered. When I realized what the issue was, the reason my two attempts at dating had failed miserably - it was like dating a buddy - I was devastated. The Bible said homosexuals were going to hell, and in my mind, I had committed the unpardonable sin. Looking back, I wonder if I had believed differently, if that would have stopped me from diving headfirst into sex with other guys. That was 23 years ago, so it doesn't really matter now. But it did help cement the belief that I was too bad for God to love, to messed up.
Over the years, I practiced "see-saw religion." I'd go periods of time indulging in porn and sex, only to get to a point that I was miserable, and repent. I'd try to serve this strict God, feeling like He was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out on my ear. Sometimes the temptations would get too much, the loneliness too much, and I'd give in, and go back to the sex and porn. Many times, I got discouraged, tired of trying to live a dry religion, trying to please a God who seemed impossible to please, and I'd give up out of discouragement.
The gay issue will most likely always be there. I will have to guard my heart, my eyes, be vigilant and careful, but I'm coming to believe that the sexual battle could be more easily won if I had what I have never had: a relationship with God. I catch myself wondering sometimes if I have ever actually been a Christian, but I do believe I have been, but it was shallow, and more religion than actual Christianity. I've felt God's help when I spoke, or even blogged, and could tell a difference when I spoke in church and was on the verge of giving up. I would never speak when I was down, but I definitely had times that I did better spiritually than others. Just not good enough.
I've been living a religion of rules and checklists. No, I don't have a literal check list, but a mental one. Read a chapter in my Bible, check. Prayed, check. Went to Sunday a.m. church, check. Went to Sunday evening church, check. I tended to gauge my spiritual life by how well I did those things and how well I kept the rules of the church......... but where has it gotten me? Nowhere. Christianity has to be more than duty, traditions, living to please others more than God, more than rules. I believe we could all do better to apply the Bible to our lives in where we go, what we see, what we wear, but if our religion and how we gauge our spiritual temperature lies in how well we do all that, how well we do on our checklist, then that is what it is, religion. According to the Bible, Christianity isn't a religion. It is a relationship.
I mentioned earlier there was a man who had said some helpful things on my blog. I don't think he'll mind my posting part of his first comment here, as it relates to this, and has helped me see what I need:
You want the "secret"? It is WORK at first, but it WILL change your life. It is SEEKING Him. With all your heart. Not in church. Not on discussion boards. Not in other books, even those written by Christians. Not talking it out with someone. You are in a spiritual battle and the way you fight the enemy is to OUT TRUTH him. I spent months fasting from electronics and food, laying flat on the floor, crying to Him and studying His Word. (I even went to a Christian day school as a kid and could quote scripture but had NO personal understanding of it.) I still had a job and responsibilities, but every free moment possible, I decided I was going to find Him to be real or not. If He would reveal Himself to other ordinary people, surely He would show me something of Himself. Remember playing hide-and-seek? He isn't hiding but we have to SEEK. I even quit listening to Christian music - I only listened to His Word on Biblegateway when I needed something to listen to. I was angry at Him, because I felt like He was so far away but I was determined to discover Him. It was awful - the enemy was brutal but eventually the light started breaking thru. At 40 years old, after being in church my whole life, I finally actually WANT to read His Word instead of it being an obligation on my to-do list, as a believer. He blessed me with an actual vision that changed my perspective of Him being so controlling and mean to a God who IS actually loving! It didn't happen overnight but He IS a rewarded of those who earnestly seek Him. (Jeremiah 29:13)
I have true peace for the first time. I am holding on to His Word that He MEANS what He says when He says NOTHING is impossible with Him.
Mark 9:21-23
John 9:3
Acts 4:22
Don't give up and look at your circumstances, determine for a season to focus only on Him. It was hard for a season but worth it!
Bottom line - all the songs, sermons, verses and testimonies that I've heard my whole life about Him, being faithful and loving to what I thought was for everyone but me........ were true, even for someone as messed up and with a skewed view like me.
You were valuable enough for Him to die for and He doesn't want you to suffer and someday squeak your way into heaven just to avoid hell. He wants YOU to have life HERE to the full too. Will there be trials? Sure. But He actually DOES come thru for people like us too. :)
You are loved. Make HIM your mission and watch what He does.
Sounds like work, but I believe He nails it. It takes work to pursue a relationship, whether it be as friends or lovers, it takes work. You can't just sit back and let it happen. You have to spend time with the person, learn as much as you can about them, listen to them, not just talk at them. Why should it be any different with God? Yet I have made it different. Granted, I and circumstances in my life have created a God that I don't want to know that well, which means I need to find the real God, learn about Him. It may take my doing what the man I quoted above.
I don't believe in eternal security, once-saved, always saved. I see issues with how I believe, but I see issues with it. I won't knock people who believe it if they don't live it carelessly (such as feel free to sin - I've known people to). I have asked them before, "if you can't miss Heaven now, no matter what you do, then why bother turning down temptation? Why not just give in?" The answers I got can be summed up in this statement: If you love God, you want to please Him, and will try to avoid sinning." And therein lies my problem. When faced with temptation, whether it be sexual, or..... well, does the devil even try anything else on me - that one works so well - I battle the temptation out of duty, and sometimes the desire to do right. But because I don't want to hurt and grieve God? No. That never enters the equation. I don't love Him, and He doesn't love me, so why would it? But if I did love God, if I had a real relationship with Him and believed that He loved me....... there would be a much bigger reason to say no to temptation. It would still come, and it would still be hard to resist, but I believe it would be easier to resist if I had a real relationship with God, and not a rules and checklist religion. May the day come when that is fact, and not simply wishing.
Lately, I have been reading more non-fiction books, and that along with the comments of man on here who sounds like he was raised the same way I was, have caused me to do a lot of thinking. Maybe being gay isn't my problem. Oh, it is definitely wrong and harder to deal with than anyone can imagine, unless you have been there yourself, but I've spent so much time on it. If I'm not giving into it and looking for sexual hook-ups with other guys, I am spending all my energy trying to fight it, and I need to fight it.
But what if homosexuality was taken out of the equation. What if I woke up tomorrow suddenly straight? Would I suddenly be freed from all my doubts, chains, fears? Would I suddenly develop the urge to be monogamous and not seek out anonymous sexual encounters?
The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that not much would change. All my lust would simply be transferred to women, instead of men. Because sex isn't the core issue. The core issue is that I have never been able to have the right kind of relationship with God. I've never been able to believe that He loves me, never been able to love Him. There are a lot of factors: getting picked on as a kid, hell and brimstone messages to scare me to the altar, lack of or perceived lack of love from my father, controlling parents, poor self esteem issues, the feeling I can never measure up to anyone's expectations. And yes, my being gay. Some of those things factored into my being gay, but being gay has also factored into my God issues.
I was a late bloomer. I was 21, and in Bible college when I realized I was gay. Looking back, I can see the attractions started way before that, but I was a naive' kid and barely knew what gay was, I was so sheltered. When I realized what the issue was, the reason my two attempts at dating had failed miserably - it was like dating a buddy - I was devastated. The Bible said homosexuals were going to hell, and in my mind, I had committed the unpardonable sin. Looking back, I wonder if I had believed differently, if that would have stopped me from diving headfirst into sex with other guys. That was 23 years ago, so it doesn't really matter now. But it did help cement the belief that I was too bad for God to love, to messed up.
Over the years, I practiced "see-saw religion." I'd go periods of time indulging in porn and sex, only to get to a point that I was miserable, and repent. I'd try to serve this strict God, feeling like He was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out on my ear. Sometimes the temptations would get too much, the loneliness too much, and I'd give in, and go back to the sex and porn. Many times, I got discouraged, tired of trying to live a dry religion, trying to please a God who seemed impossible to please, and I'd give up out of discouragement.
The gay issue will most likely always be there. I will have to guard my heart, my eyes, be vigilant and careful, but I'm coming to believe that the sexual battle could be more easily won if I had what I have never had: a relationship with God. I catch myself wondering sometimes if I have ever actually been a Christian, but I do believe I have been, but it was shallow, and more religion than actual Christianity. I've felt God's help when I spoke, or even blogged, and could tell a difference when I spoke in church and was on the verge of giving up. I would never speak when I was down, but I definitely had times that I did better spiritually than others. Just not good enough.
I've been living a religion of rules and checklists. No, I don't have a literal check list, but a mental one. Read a chapter in my Bible, check. Prayed, check. Went to Sunday a.m. church, check. Went to Sunday evening church, check. I tended to gauge my spiritual life by how well I did those things and how well I kept the rules of the church......... but where has it gotten me? Nowhere. Christianity has to be more than duty, traditions, living to please others more than God, more than rules. I believe we could all do better to apply the Bible to our lives in where we go, what we see, what we wear, but if our religion and how we gauge our spiritual temperature lies in how well we do all that, how well we do on our checklist, then that is what it is, religion. According to the Bible, Christianity isn't a religion. It is a relationship.
I mentioned earlier there was a man who had said some helpful things on my blog. I don't think he'll mind my posting part of his first comment here, as it relates to this, and has helped me see what I need:
You want the "secret"? It is WORK at first, but it WILL change your life. It is SEEKING Him. With all your heart. Not in church. Not on discussion boards. Not in other books, even those written by Christians. Not talking it out with someone. You are in a spiritual battle and the way you fight the enemy is to OUT TRUTH him. I spent months fasting from electronics and food, laying flat on the floor, crying to Him and studying His Word. (I even went to a Christian day school as a kid and could quote scripture but had NO personal understanding of it.) I still had a job and responsibilities, but every free moment possible, I decided I was going to find Him to be real or not. If He would reveal Himself to other ordinary people, surely He would show me something of Himself. Remember playing hide-and-seek? He isn't hiding but we have to SEEK. I even quit listening to Christian music - I only listened to His Word on Biblegateway when I needed something to listen to. I was angry at Him, because I felt like He was so far away but I was determined to discover Him. It was awful - the enemy was brutal but eventually the light started breaking thru. At 40 years old, after being in church my whole life, I finally actually WANT to read His Word instead of it being an obligation on my to-do list, as a believer. He blessed me with an actual vision that changed my perspective of Him being so controlling and mean to a God who IS actually loving! It didn't happen overnight but He IS a rewarded of those who earnestly seek Him. (Jeremiah 29:13)
I have true peace for the first time. I am holding on to His Word that He MEANS what He says when He says NOTHING is impossible with Him.
Mark 9:21-23
John 9:3
Acts 4:22
Don't give up and look at your circumstances, determine for a season to focus only on Him. It was hard for a season but worth it!
Bottom line - all the songs, sermons, verses and testimonies that I've heard my whole life about Him, being faithful and loving to what I thought was for everyone but me........ were true, even for someone as messed up and with a skewed view like me.
You were valuable enough for Him to die for and He doesn't want you to suffer and someday squeak your way into heaven just to avoid hell. He wants YOU to have life HERE to the full too. Will there be trials? Sure. But He actually DOES come thru for people like us too. :)
You are loved. Make HIM your mission and watch what He does.
Sounds like work, but I believe He nails it. It takes work to pursue a relationship, whether it be as friends or lovers, it takes work. You can't just sit back and let it happen. You have to spend time with the person, learn as much as you can about them, listen to them, not just talk at them. Why should it be any different with God? Yet I have made it different. Granted, I and circumstances in my life have created a God that I don't want to know that well, which means I need to find the real God, learn about Him. It may take my doing what the man I quoted above.
I don't believe in eternal security, once-saved, always saved. I see issues with how I believe, but I see issues with it. I won't knock people who believe it if they don't live it carelessly (such as feel free to sin - I've known people to). I have asked them before, "if you can't miss Heaven now, no matter what you do, then why bother turning down temptation? Why not just give in?" The answers I got can be summed up in this statement: If you love God, you want to please Him, and will try to avoid sinning." And therein lies my problem. When faced with temptation, whether it be sexual, or..... well, does the devil even try anything else on me - that one works so well - I battle the temptation out of duty, and sometimes the desire to do right. But because I don't want to hurt and grieve God? No. That never enters the equation. I don't love Him, and He doesn't love me, so why would it? But if I did love God, if I had a real relationship with Him and believed that He loved me....... there would be a much bigger reason to say no to temptation. It would still come, and it would still be hard to resist, but I believe it would be easier to resist if I had a real relationship with God, and not a rules and checklist religion. May the day come when that is fact, and not simply wishing.
The Exodus Experience, a re-post
Exodus International gets a bad rap. The militant homosexual movement hates anyone who says their lifestyle is wrong and that they can change - which is ironic, considering they accuse anyone who disagrees with them of being hateful and intolerant. Odd that they turn around and act so hateful and intolerant of those who say you can change, and of those who do change. Anyone who dares have any kind of gathering promoting the idea gets protestors - angry & hateful protestors. There is even a website called "Ex-gay Watch", whose only objective is to run down anyone who promotes the idea that they can change. The website owner tried the "ex-gay" ministries, and it didn't work for him. Now, he is bitter and is out to convince the world that Exodus, and anyone like them, is evil and hateful.
There are Exodus chapters all over the world. I tried a local one a few years back, but it was run by an older woman, and in my opinion, not very well - it could be it just wasn't what I was expecting, but there are many chapters where people who struggle with same-sex desires can find help.
Three years ago, I decided to go. My best friend and I signed up and got scholarships available for first-time attenders. Most of our way was paid. It was about 6 days long, and was not what I expected. I expected them to get up there and go on about how once you commit your life to Christ, it will be easy, you should never struggle ever again, but that isn't what it was like. I heard many times that it is a daily battle. Alan Chambers, the head of Exodus, formerly lived in the gay lifestyle, now married with kids, even said if he did not guard himself and stay close to God, he could fall.
One thing he said has stuck with me. He said people have told him he is just in denial, and he agreed, but said not the denial they talk about. He is daily denying himself as Christ commanded - something we all must do if we want to please God.
The speakers were varied. There were some who had formerly lived the gay lifestyle, but now were serving God, and there were speakers who had never dealt with that issue. Contemporary singer Clay Crosse and his wife spoke one evening about his struggle with pornography. He also led worship that evening.
Shannon Ethridge, author of the "Every Woman's Battle" books, and more, spoke one service, and though she didn't necessarily speak on homosexual issues, it was great. She made one humorous gaffe - she was relating the story of a man she knew who fell into sexual sin. As she was telling the story, she said "and then he met this woman - you know any time there is sexual sin, a woman is involved....." and she looked out and realized who she was talking to. She, and everyone else had a good laugh.
There were 3 daily services on most days. They had a worship band there who led in worship choruses to start, and man could that crowd worship. I think those who struggle with this sin have so much to thank God for, and possibly may have to depend on Him more than the average Christian - and it showed in the worship.
Not every speaker spoke about the homosexual struggle. The main theme was how we all need to draw closer to God and leave our sin behind, no matter what it may be. No matter the struggle, many people could have sat in those services and received encouragement and help.
During many services, they would play a short video of someone famous or semi-famous in the Christian world giving a short talk to us. One that went over tremendously well was by CCM singer Joy Williams, and then they played her song "Hide". A few of the words here:
"To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore"
The reason that song hit home is another reason that the whole Exodus experience was so awesome - to wander around on a college campus full of people like me - who struggle with these same desires, and are trying to live for God and deny those desires - no one had to hide who they were. No one judged you. How totally awesome.
There were also workshops on different subjects, with a few going on at the same time, so you had to pick and choose what ones were most important.
And the food......man, did they feed us. They had a caterer who served the most awesome foods. There were fountain drinks and ice cream - man, that was even worth going for!
I walked away from that week tremendously encouraged. Of course I knew there were many others who struggle with homosexuality and are serving God instead of giving in, but to see so many and be around them - I really can't put into words what that did for me.
There were of course a few protesters - why on earth they have to protest peaceful non-hateful things like the Exodus conference - I didn't hear any hate while I was there, only love and encouragement.
There are Exodus chapters all over the world. I tried a local one a few years back, but it was run by an older woman, and in my opinion, not very well - it could be it just wasn't what I was expecting, but there are many chapters where people who struggle with same-sex desires can find help.
Three years ago, I decided to go. My best friend and I signed up and got scholarships available for first-time attenders. Most of our way was paid. It was about 6 days long, and was not what I expected. I expected them to get up there and go on about how once you commit your life to Christ, it will be easy, you should never struggle ever again, but that isn't what it was like. I heard many times that it is a daily battle. Alan Chambers, the head of Exodus, formerly lived in the gay lifestyle, now married with kids, even said if he did not guard himself and stay close to God, he could fall.
One thing he said has stuck with me. He said people have told him he is just in denial, and he agreed, but said not the denial they talk about. He is daily denying himself as Christ commanded - something we all must do if we want to please God.
The speakers were varied. There were some who had formerly lived the gay lifestyle, but now were serving God, and there were speakers who had never dealt with that issue. Contemporary singer Clay Crosse and his wife spoke one evening about his struggle with pornography. He also led worship that evening.
Shannon Ethridge, author of the "Every Woman's Battle" books, and more, spoke one service, and though she didn't necessarily speak on homosexual issues, it was great. She made one humorous gaffe - she was relating the story of a man she knew who fell into sexual sin. As she was telling the story, she said "and then he met this woman - you know any time there is sexual sin, a woman is involved....." and she looked out and realized who she was talking to. She, and everyone else had a good laugh.
There were 3 daily services on most days. They had a worship band there who led in worship choruses to start, and man could that crowd worship. I think those who struggle with this sin have so much to thank God for, and possibly may have to depend on Him more than the average Christian - and it showed in the worship.
Not every speaker spoke about the homosexual struggle. The main theme was how we all need to draw closer to God and leave our sin behind, no matter what it may be. No matter the struggle, many people could have sat in those services and received encouragement and help.
During many services, they would play a short video of someone famous or semi-famous in the Christian world giving a short talk to us. One that went over tremendously well was by CCM singer Joy Williams, and then they played her song "Hide". A few of the words here:
"To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore"
The reason that song hit home is another reason that the whole Exodus experience was so awesome - to wander around on a college campus full of people like me - who struggle with these same desires, and are trying to live for God and deny those desires - no one had to hide who they were. No one judged you. How totally awesome.
There were also workshops on different subjects, with a few going on at the same time, so you had to pick and choose what ones were most important.
And the food......man, did they feed us. They had a caterer who served the most awesome foods. There were fountain drinks and ice cream - man, that was even worth going for!
I walked away from that week tremendously encouraged. Of course I knew there were many others who struggle with homosexuality and are serving God instead of giving in, but to see so many and be around them - I really can't put into words what that did for me.
There were of course a few protesters - why on earth they have to protest peaceful non-hateful things like the Exodus conference - I didn't hear any hate while I was there, only love and encouragement.
Suggested book: God's Grace and the Homosexual Next Door
This is another book I haven't read: God's Grace and the Homosexual Next Door: Reaching the Heart of the Gay Men and Women in Your World by Alan Chambers, but I know enough about it and the author, that I can recommend it with good faith. It is ideal for people wanting to help gay people and understand them better. It is good reading for people who are struggling with same-sex attractions also.
Book description:
Author Alan Chambers--a former homosexual himself--and four of his colleagues
at Exodus International offer practical and biblical insights on how both
individuals and churches can become a haven for homosexuals seeking freedom from
same-sex attraction.
In this comprehensive guide to helping homosexuals, readers will learn about:
Book description:
Author Alan Chambers--a former homosexual himself--and four of his colleagues
at Exodus International offer practical and biblical insights on how both
individuals and churches can become a haven for homosexuals seeking freedom from
same-sex attraction.In this comprehensive guide to helping homosexuals, readers will learn about:
- The roots of homosexuality
- God's radical grace for sexual sinners
- Reaching youth both within and outside the church
- Dealing with fear and ignorance in the church
- Leading gays to Christ
- Mentoring homosexuals in the church
- Three degrees of homosexuality: militant, moderate or repentant
- Five things not to do in reaching out to gays
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Reply to DJ
DJ, First off, no worries about replying here. I wouldn’t want to give my email address out to some person I don’t know either, which is why I gave out one that isn’t my main email address - didn’t want it on here for everyone to see.
You’re right on. I have a lot of head knowledge about being a Christian, about God and the Bible, but that’s where it is. In my head, not my heart.
I attended a Christian school K-12, sad that I got bullied so much in a Christian school, but I did, then went on to attend a Bible college for 4 years. I’m not saying I know it all, but I have learned a lot about God and being a Christian, but where has it gotten me?
I have kept all, or most of, the rules of the church, and yet God has been so far away even when I tried to serve Him. Its kind of ironic, or bizarre, that I’ve kept the rules of the church, yet given myself to so many guys sexually.
My church does believe in and teach sanctification, something I can honestly say I never managed to get, and to be honest, have quit believing in. If its real, why is it so hard to obtain? And I have seen so many people profess it for years, then suddenly decide they didn’t have it after all. Plus, I don’t believe it does everything the church teaches that it does. Either that, or many people who profess it, do not have it. I’m not really sure what to believe about the Holy Spirit. If I toss out the sanctification doctrine I was taught - and I have tossed it out - then what is His role? Maybe I need to read that Francis Chan book. I read Crazy Love by him and thought it was a tremendous book.
I have read one Jim Cymbala book, Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire. It, and other books I have read have made me hungry to really know God and feel Him in my life, but I’ve never really managed to get there. God has been more of an acquaintance, a “get out of hell free” card, but not much of a relationship. I always figured I’d have it together spiritually, and other ways too, by now. I’m about to hit the age of 44, and can’t believe how messed up I still am. Not that anyone ever totally arrives spiritually, it is a lifelong walk, and something everyone needs to work at, but I mean I thought I’d have a real relationship with God, a steady one where I wasn’t down, more than up, where I trusted Him instead of doubting Him.
From some of the things you have said, I would guess we were both raised in the same denomination, or one close to what mine is, even your mention of TV and movies….. That was a no-no, not that it has stopped me. I’ve come to realize it isn’t the medium that is wrong, its what we watch that can be wrong.
Even though you never struggled with SSA as I have, your religious experience sounds a lot like mine, though you have managed to grasp what I haven’t yet. I long for it to be more than a duty, to read my Bible and pray because it means something, not something I do to check off a list.
Why does it seem so many people have it so easy? Looking on, it seems its all downhill for them, not an uphill struggle. And yeah, I get it that people don’t always advertise their struggles, but you can tell from people’s testimonies in church and their outlook, that they have the “goods“.
Thanks for replying. I do appreciate your insights. And if you don’t mind saying a prayer for me, I’d appreciate it. I really want to get where I need to be with God.
You’re right on. I have a lot of head knowledge about being a Christian, about God and the Bible, but that’s where it is. In my head, not my heart.
I attended a Christian school K-12, sad that I got bullied so much in a Christian school, but I did, then went on to attend a Bible college for 4 years. I’m not saying I know it all, but I have learned a lot about God and being a Christian, but where has it gotten me?
I have kept all, or most of, the rules of the church, and yet God has been so far away even when I tried to serve Him. Its kind of ironic, or bizarre, that I’ve kept the rules of the church, yet given myself to so many guys sexually.
My church does believe in and teach sanctification, something I can honestly say I never managed to get, and to be honest, have quit believing in. If its real, why is it so hard to obtain? And I have seen so many people profess it for years, then suddenly decide they didn’t have it after all. Plus, I don’t believe it does everything the church teaches that it does. Either that, or many people who profess it, do not have it. I’m not really sure what to believe about the Holy Spirit. If I toss out the sanctification doctrine I was taught - and I have tossed it out - then what is His role? Maybe I need to read that Francis Chan book. I read Crazy Love by him and thought it was a tremendous book.
I have read one Jim Cymbala book, Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire. It, and other books I have read have made me hungry to really know God and feel Him in my life, but I’ve never really managed to get there. God has been more of an acquaintance, a “get out of hell free” card, but not much of a relationship. I always figured I’d have it together spiritually, and other ways too, by now. I’m about to hit the age of 44, and can’t believe how messed up I still am. Not that anyone ever totally arrives spiritually, it is a lifelong walk, and something everyone needs to work at, but I mean I thought I’d have a real relationship with God, a steady one where I wasn’t down, more than up, where I trusted Him instead of doubting Him.
From some of the things you have said, I would guess we were both raised in the same denomination, or one close to what mine is, even your mention of TV and movies….. That was a no-no, not that it has stopped me. I’ve come to realize it isn’t the medium that is wrong, its what we watch that can be wrong.
Even though you never struggled with SSA as I have, your religious experience sounds a lot like mine, though you have managed to grasp what I haven’t yet. I long for it to be more than a duty, to read my Bible and pray because it means something, not something I do to check off a list.
Why does it seem so many people have it so easy? Looking on, it seems its all downhill for them, not an uphill struggle. And yeah, I get it that people don’t always advertise their struggles, but you can tell from people’s testimonies in church and their outlook, that they have the “goods“.
Thanks for replying. I do appreciate your insights. And if you don’t mind saying a prayer for me, I’d appreciate it. I really want to get where I need to be with God.
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