Is gay the problem?

  I love to read, but tend to read mostly Christian fiction. Maybe I'm shallow, but I rarely read non-fiction, and maybe that is one reason I have had a hard time really getting into reading the Bible. You can't read it like a fiction novel. That, and I have tended to read it more out of duty.

  Lately, I have been reading more non-fiction books, and that along with the comments of man on here who sounds like he was raised the same way I was, have caused me to do a lot of thinking. Maybe being gay isn't my problem. Oh, it is definitely wrong and harder to deal with than anyone can imagine, unless you have been there yourself, but I've spent so much time on it. If I'm not giving into it and looking for sexual hook-ups with other guys, I am spending all my energy trying to fight it, and I need to fight it.

  But what if homosexuality was taken out of the equation. What if I woke up tomorrow suddenly straight? Would I suddenly be freed from all my doubts, chains, fears? Would I suddenly develop the urge to be monogamous and not seek out anonymous sexual encounters?

   The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that not much would change. All my lust would simply be transferred to women, instead of men. Because sex isn't the core issue. The core issue is that I have never been able to have the right kind of relationship with God. I've never been able to believe that He loves me, never been able to love Him. There are a lot of factors: getting picked on as a kid, hell and brimstone messages to scare me to the altar, lack of or perceived lack of love from my father, controlling parents, poor self esteem issues, the feeling I can never measure up to anyone's expectations. And yes, my being gay. Some of those things factored into my being gay, but being gay has also factored into my God issues.

   I was a late bloomer. I was 21, and in Bible college when I realized I was gay. Looking back, I can see the attractions started way before that, but I was a naive' kid and barely knew what gay was, I was so sheltered. When I realized what the issue was, the reason my two attempts at dating had failed miserably - it was like dating a buddy - I was devastated. The Bible said homosexuals were going to hell, and in my mind, I had committed the unpardonable sin. Looking back, I wonder if I had believed differently, if that would have stopped me from diving headfirst into sex with other guys. That was 23 years ago, so it doesn't really matter now. But it did help cement the belief that I was too bad for God to love, to messed up.

  Over the years, I practiced "see-saw religion." I'd go periods of time indulging in porn and sex, only to get to a point that I was miserable, and repent. I'd try to serve this strict God, feeling like He was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out on my ear. Sometimes the temptations would get too much, the loneliness too much, and I'd give in, and go back to the sex and porn. Many times, I got discouraged, tired of trying to live a dry religion, trying to please a God who seemed impossible to please, and I'd give up out of discouragement.

  The gay issue will most likely always be there. I will have to guard my heart, my eyes, be vigilant and careful, but I'm coming to believe that the sexual battle could be more easily won if I had what I have never had: a relationship with God. I catch myself wondering sometimes if I have ever actually been a Christian, but I do believe I have been, but it was shallow, and more religion than actual Christianity. I've felt God's help when I spoke, or even blogged, and could tell a difference when I spoke in church and was on the verge of giving up. I would never speak when I was down, but I definitely had times that I did better spiritually than others. Just not good enough.

  I've been living a religion of rules and checklists. No, I don't have a literal check list, but a mental one. Read a chapter in my Bible, check. Prayed, check. Went to Sunday a.m. church, check. Went to Sunday evening church, check. I tended to gauge my spiritual life by how well I did those things and how well I kept the rules of the church......... but where has it gotten me? Nowhere. Christianity has to be more than duty, traditions, living to please others more than God, more than rules. I believe we could all do better to apply the Bible to our lives in where we go, what we see, what we wear, but if our religion and how we gauge our spiritual temperature lies in how well we do all that, how well we do on our checklist, then that is what it is, religion. According to the Bible, Christianity isn't a religion. It is a relationship.

 I mentioned earlier there was a man who had said some helpful things on my blog. I don't think he'll mind my posting part of his first comment here, as it relates to this, and has helped me see what I need:

You want the "secret"? It is WORK at first, but it WILL change your life. It is SEEKING Him. With all your heart. Not in church. Not on discussion boards. Not in other books, even those written by Christians. Not talking it out with someone. You are in a spiritual battle and the way you fight the enemy is to OUT TRUTH him. I spent months fasting from electronics and food, laying flat on the floor, crying to Him and studying His Word. (I even went to a Christian day school as a kid and could quote scripture but had NO personal understanding of it.) I still had a job and responsibilities, but every free moment possible, I decided I was going to find Him to be real or not. If He would reveal Himself to other ordinary people, surely He would show me something of Himself. Remember playing hide-and-seek? He isn't hiding but we have to SEEK. I even quit listening to Christian music - I only listened to His Word on Biblegateway when I needed something to listen to. I was angry at Him, because I felt like He was so far away but I was determined to discover Him. It was awful - the enemy was brutal but eventually the light started breaking thru. At 40 years old, after being in church my whole life, I finally actually WANT to read His Word instead of it being an obligation on my to-do list, as a believer. He blessed me with an actual vision that changed my perspective of Him being so controlling and mean to a God who IS actually loving! It didn't happen overnight but He IS a rewarded of those who earnestly seek Him. (Jeremiah 29:13)

I have true peace for the first time. I am holding on to His Word that He MEANS what He says when He says NOTHING is impossible with Him.

Mark 9:21-23
John 9:3
Acts 4:22

Don't give up and look at your circumstances, determine for a season to focus only on Him. It was hard for a season but worth it!

Bottom line - all the songs, sermons, verses and testimonies that I've heard my whole life about Him, being faithful and loving to what I thought was for everyone but me........ were true, even for someone as messed up and with a skewed view like me.

You were valuable enough for Him to die for and He doesn't want you to suffer and someday squeak your way into heaven just to avoid hell. He wants YOU to have life HERE to the full too. Will there be trials? Sure. But He actually DOES come thru for people like us too. :)

You are loved. Make HIM your mission and watch what He does.

 
 Sounds like work, but I believe He nails it. It takes work to pursue a relationship, whether it be as friends or lovers, it takes work. You can't just sit back and let it happen. You have to spend time with the person, learn as much as you can about them, listen to them, not just talk at them. Why should it be any different with God? Yet I have made it different. Granted, I and circumstances in my life have created a God that I don't want to know that well, which means I need to find the real God, learn about Him. It may take my doing what the man I quoted above.

   I don't believe in eternal security, once-saved, always saved. I see issues with how I believe, but I see issues with it. I won't knock people who believe it if they don't live it carelessly (such as feel free to sin - I've known people to). I have asked them before, "if you can't miss Heaven now, no matter what you do, then why bother turning down temptation? Why not just give in?" The answers I got can be summed up in this statement: If you love God, you want to please Him, and will try to avoid sinning." And therein lies my problem. When faced with temptation, whether it be sexual, or..... well, does the devil even try anything else on me - that one works so well - I battle the temptation out of duty, and sometimes the desire to do right. But because I don't want to hurt and grieve God? No. That never enters the equation. I don't love Him, and He doesn't love me, so why would it? But if I did love God, if I had a real relationship with Him and believed that He loved me....... there would be a much bigger reason to say no to temptation. It would still come, and it would still be hard to resist, but I believe it would be easier to resist if I had a real relationship with God, and not a rules and checklist religion. May the day come when that is fact, and not simply wishing.