Love's playlist

    Today was my birthday. I turned 44, and handled it better than the last few birthdays. 40 was rough..... I cried before, during, and after it. Sounds dumb. It just seemed I'd have it together by 40, and I didn't.

   Things haven't been too bad lately........well, I guess they aren't good, I've just been trying to change my outlook on things. I'm not where I need to be with God, nor am I ready to take all the steps I need to take to be there. As my one commenter on here has said, it is going to take some hard effort and serious commitment on my part, and to be honest, I'm not there yet. I am trying to keep a more positive attitude and have done pretty good with not mentally wishing I could kill myself constantly as I had been doing for the last several months.

  I've also been trying to read at least one verse in the Bible. It is often the same verse a few nights in a row, using different versions of the Bible. I'm also praying. They aren't long prayers, and pretty much consist of my asking God to help me believe that He loves me, to find Him for real - to have a real relationship with Him, to help me get my life straightened out, and for help with a job.

  I was taught growing up, and am pretty sure I heard preachers preach it, that the only prayer of a sinner that God hears, is one of repentance. Depending on your theology, I may not be a sinner, though I see myself as one..... regardless, I am definitely not where I need to be with God, and maybe He won't answer some prayers, like for a job, but hopefully He will answer the spiritual related requests.

  I did get a call about a job this week. It is something I am interested in, pays better than any job I've had. I don't know if it is full time, but they are supposed to be doing a background check, then calling me in for an interview, so here is hoping it goes well. My money situation is getting to the point I am getting worried. To add to it, I got a speeding fine, though they did give me two extra weeks to pay it, and I can call in then and extend it more if I need to..... which I am going to need to do.

  Since I struggle so much to believe God loves me, I have been trying to work on that. I've read a few books lately that deal with it. I also made a playlist of all of the songs on my Ipod/Itunes about God's love, hoping it will help to listen to songs focusing on that. We even sang two of my favorite hymns on that subject in church this morning, "And Can It Be" (Amazing love, how can it be...), and "My Savior's Love." Maybe if I listen to those kind of songs enough, it will start to sink in. I came up with over 80 songs for my playlist, and that was just Southern Gospel. I haven't gone through the praise and worship and CCM songs on my Ipod yet...... I have over 6000 songs on there, so it takes a while.

  I don't want to take credit for my more hopeful outlook. Yes, I am making a concentrated effort to be more positive, but I know there are people praying for me, some through this blog, and I appreciate that and do not take it for granted. The prayers are helping.

  One of the songs on my "love playlist" that has been sticking with me is one titled "He Loved Me Anyway". If I could really grasp and believe what it says, I would be making great strides in this area. Maybe I need to listen to it over and over. Lyrics below, and the youtube video below that:

He Loved Me Anyway

Verse 1
She had a moment on a back wooden pew
Of a white church with a cotton field view
It was a tugging she couldn’t explain
She could hear God calling by her name
For a second she wanted something more
But she walked out the door

Chorus 1
As He watched her go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping she’d be back some day
When He looked at her, He knew she’d walk away
But He loved her anyway

Verse 2
He woke up in a motel room
By a woman that he barely knew
Opened the drawer of the cheap night stand
Held a Gideon Bible in his hand
In the silence, he wanted something more
But he walked out the door

Chorus 2
As He watched him go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping he’d be back some day
When He looked at him, He knew he’d walk away
But He loved him anyway

Bridge:
For so many years, I walked out that same door
But when I finally decided to stay
I realized all those times that He loved me anyway

Chorus 3
As He watched me go, it didn’t change a thing
He just stood there hoping I’d be back some day
When He looked at me, He knew I’d walk away
But He loved me anyway