DJ, First off, no worries about replying here. I wouldn’t want to give my email address out to some person I don’t know either, which is why I gave out one that isn’t my main email address - didn’t want it on here for everyone to see.
You’re right on. I have a lot of head knowledge about being a Christian, about God and the Bible, but that’s where it is. In my head, not my heart.
I attended a Christian school K-12, sad that I got bullied so much in a Christian school, but I did, then went on to attend a Bible college for 4 years. I’m not saying I know it all, but I have learned a lot about God and being a Christian, but where has it gotten me?
I have kept all, or most of, the rules of the church, and yet God has been so far away even when I tried to serve Him. Its kind of ironic, or bizarre, that I’ve kept the rules of the church, yet given myself to so many guys sexually.
My church does believe in and teach sanctification, something I can honestly say I never managed to get, and to be honest, have quit believing in. If its real, why is it so hard to obtain? And I have seen so many people profess it for years, then suddenly decide they didn’t have it after all. Plus, I don’t believe it does everything the church teaches that it does. Either that, or many people who profess it, do not have it. I’m not really sure what to believe about the Holy Spirit. If I toss out the sanctification doctrine I was taught - and I have tossed it out - then what is His role? Maybe I need to read that Francis Chan book. I read Crazy Love by him and thought it was a tremendous book.
I have read one Jim Cymbala book, Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire. It, and other books I have read have made me hungry to really know God and feel Him in my life, but I’ve never really managed to get there. God has been more of an acquaintance, a “get out of hell free” card, but not much of a relationship. I always figured I’d have it together spiritually, and other ways too, by now. I’m about to hit the age of 44, and can’t believe how messed up I still am. Not that anyone ever totally arrives spiritually, it is a lifelong walk, and something everyone needs to work at, but I mean I thought I’d have a real relationship with God, a steady one where I wasn’t down, more than up, where I trusted Him instead of doubting Him.
From some of the things you have said, I would guess we were both raised in the same denomination, or one close to what mine is, even your mention of TV and movies….. That was a no-no, not that it has stopped me. I’ve come to realize it isn’t the medium that is wrong, its what we watch that can be wrong.
Even though you never struggled with SSA as I have, your religious experience sounds a lot like mine, though you have managed to grasp what I haven’t yet. I long for it to be more than a duty, to read my Bible and pray because it means something, not something I do to check off a list.
Why does it seem so many people have it so easy? Looking on, it seems its all downhill for them, not an uphill struggle. And yeah, I get it that people don’t always advertise their struggles, but you can tell from people’s testimonies in church and their outlook, that they have the “goods“.
Thanks for replying. I do appreciate your insights. And if you don’t mind saying a prayer for me, I’d appreciate it. I really want to get where I need to be with God.
3 comments:
Well, it’s not so much the fact of giving out an email address out to you – it’s just that I have a thing right now where I feel like I need to be careful and keep my communication “public”. It is just my own personal conviction right now......
I’m going thru a dark trial in my own life right now and while my circumstances may be different than yours, in many ways it is the same because we share this same battle in finding God to be real, powerful, involved and loving. I’ve been on this journey for almost a year now and honestly, it’s been a serious and hard battle. I’m still in the battle but yet, the light has broken through many times and I’m growing stronger in my faith. It’s slowly moving from my head to my heart. I'm slowly finding Him to be loving and not just impersonal.
Sometimes I have felt like it would be easier for someone “out in the world”. Like I am almost at a disadvantage because I’ve heard the truth for 40 years, you know? It’s such a part of who I am and is just ingrained in the fiber of all the knowledge in my brain. I can’t tell you how many times I have pleaded over the last year, “Lord, please do not hold back just because I’ve been in church all my life. I need to see your power because even though I've been in church, I've never seen your power or felt your love."
Part 2
I get what you are saying about sanctification. I don’t believe it is what my church always taught either. I DO see that the power of the Holy Spirit changed Peter from being always defeated to a guy that was on fire! I have sought the Lord earnestly myself and I have never had one of those experiences I heard about in my church. (Go behind the woodshed for 40 days and 40 nights til the old man dies and whatnot). Again, maybe that happened for someone but definitely not for me. ;) truthfully, I was always kind of scared to really be sanctified, because it might have meant I had to go off as a missionary all alone in the jungle. (Where I'm at in my life now, being a missionary doesn't sound near as bad as it did then tho. lol)
For me, the more I study the Holy Spirit, the more I see that I can easily quench Him. I have to make a conscious effort to hear Him - in fact, I keep telling Him I am hard-of-hearing so SPEAK LOUD. ;) I haven't had one of those moments (yet) where I've known without a doubt, He has told me to do something. I have struggled with discerning if what I am thinking is just me or Him. I've kind of decided that's a bit where faith comes in and just applying His principles. I know I have sought Him earnestly, my heart is clear and a couple of things I couldn't tell if it was me or Him so I just told Him - "if this isn't you and this is foolish, then just know my heart because I'm willing to look dumb in front of you." I'm willing to make a mistake and end up looking silly to God if it is because I'm seriously trying to listen and it's not just a "hope I'm close when I do what I want."
Part 3
I don't think being sanctified means you'll never want to sin again. I'm tempted. My temptations might be different than yours but when I give in, they separate me from Him no differently than yours do. The closer I seek to be near God, the easier it is to choose to pursue Him tho and the less my temptations have a hold on me. Read Cymbala's newest book, Spirit Rising, if you get a chance. That one I really recommend! He says we have to have the Holy Spirit to teach us while we read the Bible because we can grow cold and fall out of communion with God, even while having devotions every day. I believe that because I've read the Bible most of my life and even when I was doing things right, it was still just a chore on my daily to do list.
All his "Fresh" books are worth re-reading (Fresh Power and Fresh Faith are excellent as well, in addition to Fresh Wind.) Definitely try Chan's "Forgotten God" too.
I don't really have the answers for you, except I think it comes down to us having to put aside our head knowledge and seek Him with our hearts and making a choice to believe what we know is true. We have to out-truth the enemy. I really think that hole and emptiness we feel HAS to be filled by Him. No one else can do it. It is just hard if you can only believe a God in a book and not in a God who actually LIKES and knows you for you.
I'm starting to see that He really is in all the details of my life. For example, I don't think it was an accident that I stumbled across this blog and it spoke so loudly to me. :) I am so passionate about Him and I love talking about Him. I am still waiting to see Him move mightily on my behalf but I know I'm not who I was. I don't know you (at least, I don't think I do), but I have added you to my prayer journal. I know God wants to move in your life.
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