Life, Lately

Haven't done much on this blog for a while, but to be honest, hadn't been doing so well.

Though homosexuality may be my biggest sin problem, in some ways, it may not be my biggest problem - I find the more I dwell on my problems, question why God is not answering my prayers now, the easier it is to fall, and need that "fix" that pornography and/or sex provides.

Satan doesn't fight fair - he doesn't just let you battle one sin/issue, he uses other things to discourage you and try to trip you up. Wish he wasn't so good at his job!

I have been working harder at my relationship with God - trying to pray more - when I am home alone, I have been spending time in prayer, which helps battle the temptations more.

I have been being honest with God - telling Him my fears, doubts - reminding Him - like He needs reminded - that He promised to meet the needs of those who serve Him.

There are things that work against me - I have this idea - which my best friend says is totally wrong - that when I mess up, whether it be a quick fall, or a week or two fall - when I ask God to forgive me, I've had this idea that I have to prove myself before He will answer prayers - that I have to go a certain amount of time without messing up, and then He will help - part of me knows that's not true, but its so hard not to believe it.

I also focus too much on the future - if I have this need that has to be met in a month, or even two - if it isn''t met right now, I feel God doesn't care, and give up - yet, He has plenty of time to meet the need, and may do it at the last minute - my faith needs a lot of help, that is for sure.

Somebody sent me a link to some Focus on The Family broadcasts from last week. It was a three-part series on Men & Purity - I downloaded the pod casts and listened to them, and though they didn't discuss homosexuality, I was challenged by the broadcasts - would do any man good to listen to them.

I have had a renewed determination lately to serve Christ. My future looks uncertain, my needs many and great - I have no idea what to do with my life - yet I can't give up. God has never given up on me, it has always been the other way around, and I must try to do my part.

In other news, I am working on writing a book. Not sure if it will ever reach the point of publishing - if my best friend ever gets on board, he is supposed to help. The story is fiction - Christian fiction, but it is more than a story.

If the book ever is published, unless I don't use my real name, it would show the world what I deal with. Am I ready for that? Maybe. I am tired of having to hide my struggles, the sin I deal with, from everyone, for fear of being branded a child molester, or something similar.

Since I moved back to my home state, it seems most of my friends have backed off - like they moved on. I look around, and really have no one to hang with. My best friends are in another state - they know what I deal with, and still love and accept me - why do I hide who I am from people who don't seem to care that much for me?

Anyway, the book centers around three main characters. Two men, who have been best friends for several years. One is a Christian, and married. The other is an openly gay man. Since no one may ever read the book, I will share a bit here about it - the married guy dies, and my end result will be for the wife to find God, than the openly gay guy, and they eventually marry - it is more than fiction - I want to portray what it is like to deal with that issue, and offer hope that people can overcome it, with God's help.

Pray for me, as I face my daily battles. I want to serve Christ, and not go back.

Letter from a college student

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was commenting on a blog about homosexuality, where people were arguing for and against what the Bible says. No one has commented on that for a while, but got an email today that there was a new comment. I read it and replied to this young college student. Sounds like he is trying to do right, but also sounds like he has it pretty rough. Thought I would share here what he had to say:

"thank you connor, marcus, and dave you guys have been great encouragement to me. here are a few thoughts of my own. sorry if i ramble but i have really been struggling with a lot of stuff lately.

i am a younger guy who has been really struggling with homosexuality. i know all the answers, and i know what the Bible says, and yet somehow i still struggle like crazy! but its really good to read what you guys have to say. i have thought for sometime now that maybe one day i would wake up and not be attracted to men and have desires for men, and yet everyday i wake up and find myself looking at guys around me. so my sin kicks in and i tell myself this couldnt be wrong, these feelings im having. why cant i act upon them??!? and yet i know that i cant because the Bible is the Word of God and it is completely true.

one thing which i want to mention which feeds my homosexual desires, is i am a student at prestigious nationally ranked university, and it seems that every one of my professors is encouraging the class to experiment. They tell us that experimenting is natural and that "even if you are straight you might as well experiment with the same sex, who knows you might like it and it could be fun." this is what students are being told on a daily basis. it has gotten to the point where honestly it is cool and popular to be gay at a public university. since i do feel attraction to men, i can tell you that this makes being a christian who is struggling with this all the more difficult. i have had a few guys my age who i would have hooked up with in an instant without God or the Bible guiding me towards a life thats is greater, walk up to me and invite me over for "some fun" in there rooms. these are guys who you would think were normal manly men jocks. there is definitely no stereotype anymore. with world telling everyone to hook up with everyone, more and more guys who would be straight are turning to homosexual practices because they do not know the love of God.

and by no means am i perfect. i have yet to explain that i only a few months ago after trying to hold on to my pride for so long gave into homosexual sin as well. i was weak, lonely, and felt that i would be missing out if i didnt at least try it. i wish with everything in me that i could take that decision back, and yet at the same time i want to do it again and again and again. it takes all of my strength to say Jesus make me pure in your eyes and give me strength to move on from this and live in You and You alone!!

oh and another thing talk about respect and hate, gay people are loved and admired now at university's, and do you know who is hated out loud by professors on a regular basis.....christians!! yes it is perfectly fine to hate a christian and condone gay promiscuous sex, but if a professor were to say one bad thing about a gay person they would be fired! that really infuriates me. and by no means am i saying anyone should hate gays. we should try to love them just as Christ loved us, but at the same time why is there a double standard? i feel its because the two cannot live next to one another. if our culture is to completely adopt homosexuality then our culture has to let go of christianity. and visa versa. as a Christian you must believe the WHOLE Bible and believe that the entire thing is the Word of God and is true.

ok ya im sorry i began to ramble there. but ya i have been really struggling with this issue and needed to let some feelings out."

Part 3.......Why I can't swallow pro-gay theology

First up: Sodom & gomorrah were not destroyed because of the sin of homosexuality, but because of inhospitality. Wow. So God hates inhospitality so much He would wipe out a whole city?! Yeah, right! One big problem, is the only sign of so-called inhospitality, is when the angels are warning Lot & his family to flee the city - God had already said the city would be destroyed before this incident. Also, the men of the city wanted to "know" the angels - in the context of sexually, and Lot offered his virgin daughters which they were not interested in. Homosexuality, or inhospitality.....I'd say the scale leans toward the sexual sin. Also oddly enough that the term "sodomy" is still used to day for a certain sex act.

Closely followed, is also the theory that the city was destroyed because of attempted rape. Again, the city's destruction was decided before the incident with the angels. Just doesn't hold water.

Next up: David and Jonathan. They base this mainly on the verse that David says his love for Jonathan is beyond that of a woman. Nothing sexual is ever depicted between the two though, and David's harem was full of women, not men, and if he had homosexual leanings, surely Jonathan would not have been the only one. Also, God condemns all sexual sin, and when David committed adultery, he was confronted and suffered for his actions - a homosexual act, also condemned by God, would also have been confronted by God.

Of course the argument against the references in the OT are that those laws were for just the Jews, so forth. But what about the many references in the NT?

The most common arguments that I have heard is that it is talking about pedophiles, as that was a common practice back then, and it is not condemning a loving monogamous relationship between two males. Even if that were true, how many of those actually happen - and last? The Bible clearly says homosexual acts are a sin.

I picked this up from a website that words some of this better than I can:

"Pro-gay theology tends to fall into one of three categories. They are all wrong, but for varying reasons. Sometimes they overlap categories.

1.The Bible is either not the Word of God, or most parts of it aren’t. This view claims that we can ignore the prohibitions against homosexual behavior because they were written by homophobic Jews.

2.The Bible is the Word of God, but it doesn’t really say homosexual behavior is wrong. This view holds that people just aren’t reading the Bible properly, and that God’s Word is actually affirming of gay relationships.

3.The Bible is the Word of God and does clearly and emphatically condemn gay behavior as sinful. However, the Holy Spirit has given additional revelations such that this behavior is now acceptable. This view holds that God has changed his mind on this moral issue and not only is it now acceptable, but it is sinful if you don’t affirm this behavior and same-sex relationships"

As I stated in one of my other posts today, you can't just pick one sin out of the Bible and say that it is interpreted wrong.

I am thankful that I have never been tempted to fall for any of these arguments. As far as I have gone in activities that were wrong, I never came close, thank God. We have to take the Bible literally - we cannot cave into popular opinion, and the gay activists who try to tell us that we are wrong to take the Bible at face value on the subject of homosexuality. It is a sin, and though it seems to me like the hardest to overcome, the same Bible that condemns it, also says that there were those who had been, and were not anymore - and therein lies my hope.

Part 2, What About The Other Sins.....

If you run onto someone defending homosexuality, and saying we have just interpreted the Bible wrong, ask them about the other sins. Specifically, the other sexual sins the Bible condemns. Let's see there is..........

Incest. The Old Testament had a lot to say about it. Any sexual relations between relatives was wrong. Very wrong. Siblings, parent & child, and the list goes on. I could be wrong, but I don't believe the sin is mentioned in the New Testament at all....and if it is, Jesus didn't mention it, and that is one point made about homosexuality - Jesus did not say anything about it, so it must be ok. Hmm. Incest must be ok too then.........At least the NT says a lot about homosexuality.

Bestiality. Yes, there are people in the world today, and even in the US that practice this terrible practice. Dogs, goats, horses. The list goes on. Believe me, I find it disgusting, and have never been tempted to pursue it, but in my wanderings on line, have run across sites about it, and one porn-story site I frequented a lot had a category of bestiality, for people who liked, or at least liked to read about people having sex with animals.....

OK, nasty. But again, I make the point: the OT condemned this practice, yet Jesus didn't, and neither does the NT say anything at all about it, so does that mean it is not a sin?

Of course incest and bestiality are sins. Bad ones. So why aren't people getting up in arms defending them, and saying the Bible really doesn't mean they are wrong - it was just interpreted wrong. I think one big reason is public opinion. It isn't practiced as much, at least openly, and most of the world, at least in our country, would be quick to say those are wrong, and not normal. Yet the same Bible that says homosexuality is wrong......those Scriptures are interpreted wrong, and we are terrible and hateful for saying it is a sin.

Sexual sins aside, there are other sins. Killing. Stealing. Adultery. Why are not churches saying these are ok, that the Bible was just interpreted wrong on those sins too?

I think the church in general is guilty of excusing and overlooking some things, yet in the grand scheme of things, some sins DO seem worse, and DO carry worse ramifications than others. Were it not for the politicization of homosexuality, and the efforts to indoctrinate even the youngest of kids in our schools, the ramifications of homosexuality on America as a whole, might not be as bad, not lessening the sin at all by that comment.

Sin is sin. And yes, we seem soft on some, but lets not give in and say this one is ok. The future of a lot of young people is at stake. I do think we need to address it more. Make it so that people like me who struggle in silence, are not so afraid to step up and admit our struggle. So many - like me - fear being ostracized, shunned, and being labeled perverts and even child molesters - so yes, in one sense, we need to quit branding it the unpardonable sin, yet not budge on the fact that it is sin.

What About The Other Sins? And Why I Can't Swallow Pro-Gay Theology Part 1

Wow, a month with no posting on this blog, and here I go for the third in two days. :-)

I have been on two sites recently where homosexuality was being debated. I linked to the one article yesterday, but here are a few pro-gay comments:

1)"Of course there are gay Christians. There are even Gay bishops now, and I know several gay Christians who have lead straight people to Christ. Mr. Labarbera does the conservative cause more harm than good with his constant degeneration of the family members and friends of a lot of Christian conservative people who know that their Gay friends and relatives are good and decent people. No wonder the youth are losing respect for/interest in the church! Not all Christians are literalists, or we would still not allow women to speak in church, we would still be stoning adulteresses, I would not be able to charge interest when I loan money, or eat shrimp. We changed as a faith on these issues, and we are changing on gay issues also."

2)"There are many theologians, pastors, those who study biblical translations, and others who do not agree with the AFA slant on homosexuals. I have personally met a number of folks who seem to have a very strong Christian faith, attend church, but who identify as homosexual. I don't think gay Christian is any more oxymoronic than divorced Christian. Those who hate homosexuals and yet profess to love God and their neighbor seem more oxymoronic."

3) "It's amusing to me that the church has taken up homosexuality as it's latest cause. It seems that they got tired of railing solely against abortion, so this was the next logical choice. Assuming that one does think that homosexuality is a sin, I wonder why LaBarbera chooses to use adultery or incest or porn addiction as a substitute for homosexuality in his argument. What would people say if we asked if fat people could have a meaningful relationship with Christ?"

Interesting. I do think the longer Jesus tarries, the more churches are going to buckle under, not fight it, and even take up the argument that the Bible really doesn't mean it is wrong.

I don't want this post to go too long, so I am going to address a few things in the above comments. Let's take up comment #3. "It's amusing to me that the church has taken up homosexuality as it's latest cause...." Oh really. I believe the church/Christians have ALWAYS believed it was wrong. Christians have not changed - at least the majority of evangelical ones - what HAS changed, is the world has accepted it - years ago, even the world considered it taboo and wrong. All that has changed is the world's view, and the sin has become more open, and they have become more outspoken and in your face about pushing the gay stuff on everyone. So I wish this person would get their facts straight - this isn't a new faze that we have picked up, to say it is wrong - we have always said that!

And yes, there are other sins, but that doesn't mean we roll over and let this sin take over society and the Church.

On to #1 - this person thinks the church taking a stance on sin is driving young people away?! So they prefer we quit calling sin, sin, and let people go to hell in a hand basket? Is it wrong to read a verse that says homosexuality is a sin, and those who practice it will not enter heaven? Then when I read that murderers will miss heaven, is that too literal to believe also?

And #2. We don't hate homosexuals, and to agree that the Bible says it is a sin, is not homophobic. Homophobic is to be afraid to be around a gay person. And another point the person got wrong, is this isn't just a slant from the American Family Association - it is what the Bible says.

I really fear for the church in regards to this issue. As you can see by reading the above comments, these are so-called Christians defending homosexuality and railing against Christians who dare to say the Bible says it is wrong.Really, if Jesus tarries many more years, how many churches will still stand against it?

Christian Gays?

Interesting article here - George Barna infers in latest findings that people can be Christian and homosexual - as in living that lifestyle. What is interesting is the comments on the article. Some condemn Christians for being so narrow minded as to say it is sin

http://www.onenewsnow.com/Culture/Default.aspx?id=582698

Friends

Haven't posted on this blog for a while. One reason being I have been extremely discouraged lately, and just not up to discussing this area of my life.

Life for a guy who struggles with the issue of homosexuality is rough. We all tend to think our area of struggle is worse than someone else's, and I am sure there are worse. I sure wouldn't want to be like Joni Earekson Tada and be paralyzed for life. I already have my share of days when I wonder if life is really worth living, but that would really make you wonder.

One rough area for me, is friendship. I really never had guys to hang out with. In school, all of the boys picked on me and made fun of me. In college, I got picked on a bit, and had times when another guy would hang out a bit, but I never had anyone for any length of time.

A few years ago, that changed. Met a guy close my own age who also struggled with homosexuality, and we went to similar churches. After much thought and prayer, I moved into his area and we shared an apartment for a couple of years. A wise thing to do? Many would say no. We had our time of adjusting, and it isn't like two heterosexual guys sharing an apartment, but we finally adjusted to the point that it was like living with a brother or cousin - not that I ever had a brother, or had any kind of close relationship with my cousins.

Alas, life is never perfect, and I felt I should move back close to my family. A tough decision to make, and I find myself second-guessing myself almost daily, but I couldn't get back to visit family as often as I wanted, plus, just how long can even two Christian guys share an apartment before people start thinking the worst.

I do have to say that in addition to him, I made a couple of other great friends while there, though not male, and was sad to leave all of them. Of course, I keep in touch, and see two of them once in a great while, but it isn't the same.

Since I moved back, I have felt the vacuum of any close friends more than ever. I have been friends with a married couple for about 7 years who know of my struggles - I worked with her - and while I lived out of state, I kept contact with them, and every time I came home, was asked over to visit, but they have backed way off, made friends at their new church, and seem to rarely have time for me, or for other friends they previously had. Makes it rough when friendships fade, and you wonder what went wrong.

My oldest niece is a teenager, and has been friends with another girl from our school & church, but lately, the other girl has moods. She will get mad at my niece for stupid stuff, like my niece getting to go on vacation, and will sit with and be friends with other girls for a while. If she is in the right mood, she will sit with my niece and be friends. Meanwhile, my niece feels badly when she gets snubbed.

We all have a need for friends, but it seems some of us need it more than others. I admit I wish I could find someone to truly confide my struggles in who wouldn't freak out and run, but would be willing to hang out some, and even be willing to talk about my struggles.

It may sound like a terrible admission to make, but one of my greatest temptations to deal with concerning my sexual struggles has been over the friendship issue. From the experiences I have had over the years, I know that I could not only have another guy to have a relationship with, not that I have much faith in those lasting - I know I would have other guys to hang out with - if I truly jumped into that lifestyle. I have never been tempted to believe the lies that the Bible really doesn't condemn it, but I have been tempted because of loneliness to walk away from all I have tried to live for, and give in.

I sometimes wonder if God truly understands. When Jesus was on the earth, He had 12 disciples close to Him at all times - surely He understands the need for close friends?

I have heard so often that God is enough for the single person, but is He really? Today I went to Bob Evans and got a salad to go, and took it and a can of pop to the park to eat. As I sat there, a gentleman sitting at another table was soon joined by another guy, and then a few minutes later by a young lady. All three seemed to know each other. I admit, it sounds like a pity party, but I sat there and wished I had someone to visit with as I ate my salad. You think God helped any at that moment? No. I wanted a real flesh and blood person.

I have been back at my home church for a year now. Not once in that time has someone pulled me aside and asked how I am doing. I sit in the services feeling like I am dying inside, wondering if God really does care, or if I am just fooling myself by going to church and trying to live right.

And I do have friends. But they are casual friends. People who say hi and chat a bit at church, and who seem to like me, yet they never reach out and ask how I am really doing. But true friends, who call, hang out, who really seem to care how you are doing - those are all too few.

As I sit here and type, I am wavering on a decision. Whether or not to throw out a life-long held conviction. It isn't related to my sexual struggle, but it does have to do with another area of my life that is very discouraging at the moment. Other Christians have done it, but if I give in, I will feel like I am doing wrong, and when my relationship with God is already one where I struggle to believe He cares, and really never have believed completely that He loves me - if I start doing something that I feel is wrong, to make my life easier, then will I ever stand a chance at having a good relationship with God?

My apologies to anyone who reads this. I have just been so frustrated and discouraged lately, that it came out in this blog post. It did help a little to "vent" though. :-)

In closing, I'd like to ask prayer for one of my friends. Just found out he is doing something really stupid, and hoping I can get across to him the need to quit.

The Rest of My Life

Forty. For so long, it was way out there. It was like a marker in life. I figured by the time I got to 40, I would have it all sorted out, but here I am on the verge of 40, and I feel like I live in a snow globe that has been shaken, and hard.

For several years, I always believed I could really be "normal" some day. Be able to marry and have kids. I would buy and read dating/relationship books. I can't remember when it happened, or what caused it, but the day came I realized it was most likely never going to happen. I sold the dating books, and shut the door on that idea.

I really can't put into words how rough this struggle is. Or why I have caved in so many times over the years, when I knew I could not be happy, no matter who I hooked up with, or how great the porn was.

I guess I got so used to giving up at the first sign of rough times. Plus, I used sex & porn to make myself feel better when down. Any negative thing would awaken the temptations. I always thought I could get away from it, but it always got a hold of me and dragged me down.

This may be a poor illustration, but imagine you are a recovering alcoholic, and everywhere you look, there is a bottle of your favorite drink.......but wait, it gets worse. Not only is it wrong/destructive for you to give in, it is even wrong to look at the bottle and desire it. Welcome to my world.

The desires and attractions never go completely away for most people who deal with same-sex attractions. A steady Christian walk, staying close to God, and time can help so it isn't as hard, but it is always there. Don't get me wrong, I don't lust after every guy I see. Though any really nice looking guy, muscular, etc - you get the picture. Thankfully, any guy I know very well who seems to look at me as an equal, is not an issue. Not sure all the whys and hows, but it just isn't a problem.

I have been praying a lot about this stuff lately. That God would help me to be stronger and really get on top of it all, and that as I hit my 40th birthday all too soon, that I would start a new chapter in my life on the right foot. As I was praying earlier this evening, I told God that I want to be in for the long haul. That yes, this is tough stuff to deal with, but I want to get past that, and be what God wants.

I was reading one of my favorite Scriptures the other day, Psalm 23, when my eyes fell on Psalm 25. I started reading it, and it was just what I needed. I read it again tonight (New Living Translation)

1 O Lord, I give my life to you.

2 I trust in you, my God!
Do not let me be disgraced,
or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.

3 No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced,
but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.

4 Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.

5 Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.

6 Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love,
which you have shown from long ages past.

7 Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.
Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,
for you are merciful, O Lord.

I don't think I can easily sum up all the reasons I have failed and given up so many times over the years. There may be several, but one is in the verses above. All day long I put my hope in you. I have come to the realization that I haven't done that enough. Just like Peter looking at the waves and plunging down, I look at the circumstances. I look at the future, instead of truly putting my hope in God.

The devil has tried to convince me that I sinned too much. I failed too often. That God could never truly forgive me, that I would be on a lower scale than other Christians, but these verses also point out God's compassion and unfailing love. And that He truly can - and has - forgiven me of the sins of my youth.

Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and The Struggle

There are two Christian singers whose struggle with homosexuality became public, and both under different circumstances.

Back a few years, 2003 or 2004, I'd say, Kirk Talley, a Southern Gospel singer - was "outed" as someone who struggles with homosexuality. I have no idea if he ever pursued the sexual part at all, but one evening was in a gay chat room, chatting with another guy who I believe was claiming to be a Christian. When he found out who Kirk was, he tried to blackmail him - tell his record company and the public. Kirk did the hard thing and called the law in. The man was arrested, but Kirk's struggles became public. He made a comeback with his ministry/career, and speaks publicly about his struggles and is an encouragement to other people who deal with it.

Ray Boltz is more well known, having a music career in the better known Christian Contemporary field, writing and singing some great songs. He too struggled with homosexuality for years, though married with a family. He finally reached a point that he decided since God didn't remove the desires, that it must be ok with God. He divorced his wife, and is pursuing life as a gay man, still claiming to be a Christian living in God's will.

It is easy to knock both men. Kirk was out singing for God, yet in a gay chat room. Ray Boltz decides the lack of deliverance means God's approval. If that were the case, all of the Christians who still fight the desire for the drugs or alcohol they used to be slaves to, may as well go back to them and say it is ok with God.

My struggle would be more like Kirk's, though I do not know if he acted out as I did. For so many years, I bounced back and forth, trying to quit, rise above it,and serve God, only to fall over and over again. Along the way, people found out about my struggle. My family found out, which wasn't pretty - they all know except one brother-in-law. At a Christian business I worked at, a co-worker and "friend" outed me to everyone. I have lost track of how many people know, though I am not public with my struggle. More people don't know than do, that is for sure.

There were many times I felt like completely throwing in the towel. Quit church, openly live as a gay male. I met guys who wanted a relationship with me, but I never went that route for two reasons. I didn't think I could carry it off and not have anyone know, and I was afraid if I did that, I might never come back.

Unlike Ray Boltz, I never once entertained the thought that the lifestyle was ok with God - and I am not putting myself above him for that. I am very thankful I never struggled with that. Possibly because of how conservatively I was raised....I really don't know. The battle for me was never if I could live for God and live as a gay man - the battle has always been trying to serve Christ and not give into the desires & temptations that assail me.

I do wish more churches openly dealt with the issue of homosexuality in a loving and Christ-like way, so that so many people wouldn't struggle in silence, yet there are too many churches openly accepting homosexuality and saying you can be a Christian and be gay. You don't have to change. I really am not sure which God would judge more harshly. Christians who act hateful and judgemental toward people who are gay, or the churches who help ruin and further enslave people who struggle with homosexuality by telling them it is ok. Either attitude can help send people to hell. The second is obvious why. The first extreme can turn homosexuals off on the church so badly that they never have a chance at finding God. And it can hurt those who struggle in silence.

I know of a young man - Lutheran - who was struggling with homosexuality, and had already acted out as a teenager. He went to his pastor, and the pastor told him it was ok - he could be a Christian and be gay. That those verses in the Bible didn't condemn a loving gay relationship. The last I knew, that kid was in college in a relationship with another guy - still professing to be a Christian. If he misses Heaven, his blood will be on that pastor's hands.

It may be a pipe dream, but I believe that every person preparing to be a pastor should learn how to deal with issues like homosexuality. Not every person they come across will have issues like unruly kids or marriage problems. Some of them will have issues like pornography, homosexuality, and worse.

I have often wondered what Jesus would have said to the homosexual when He was here on earth. His silence on the subject is a reason the gay "theologians" say it must be ok. (Most likely, it was not much of an issue where Jesus had His ministry) But what would He have said - and done? Would He have turned aside in disgust, or would He have embraced that person, forgave him, and changed his desires? I believe it would be the latter.

The phrase "what would Jesus do" was a fad for a few years back. You saw WWJD everywhere and on everything. What would Jesus do today with homosexuals? I think He would love them - yet know it was a sin. He would be their friend, and never reject them because He disagreed with their lifestyle.

The world is full of hurting and broken people. People who have never struggled with same-sex attractions have no idea what is like to deal with that issue on a daily basis - likewise, there are people dealing with things I could never relate to. We as a church - as Christians - need to do better at loving the sinner - yes, still hating the sin, and where needed stand up against it - but we will never win the lost - whether it is the homosexual - or the neighbor next door - without love.

Losing God

I just read an amazing book. "Losing God: Clinging To Faith Through Doubt And Depression", by Matt Rogers. This guy hit it right where I am at. Where I have been - sexual issues aside.

The book is Matt's story of how he went through years of depression. The symptoms he expressed, the issues he had, are the same as a lot of mine. I have wrestled with the idea of a loving God. Just as the author, I could never be an atheist, but have almost viewed God as evil and hateful.

Reading his story has helped me to see that so much of what I have been attributing to spiritual issues and problems, very likely are depression caused and linked. I too dread going to church. Most of the time I sit there and wish I could get up and give radiant testimonies of what God is doing for me, but most of the time, He seems distant and unresponsive.

Down deep, I figured I most likely have depression, but my mom had it late 2007, and everyone knew she had it. She lost weight, talked about not being sure if she was going to make it, etc. I judged myself by her behavior and tried to convince myself that I was not depressed. But I read too many symptoms in this book to deny it. I also found out that men tend to hide it more than women do.

Although the author never took medication at the time of the writing of the book, he admits that he should have, and in reply to an email from myself to him, he told me he has taken medication since the printing of the book. He figures my sexual struggles most likely play a big part in my depression, which is no surprise to me.

He did get help and got through the depression. I am glad he wrote the book, and that I read it. Reading it was not a miracle cure, but it did open my eyes to the reality of depression, that I do indeed have it, and that it greatly influences one's view of God and their spiritual life.

Labels

Ran across a couple of things I wrote a few years ago, and decided to post them here. To be honest, with how depressed and discouraged I have been for so long, this is like reading something that somebody else wrote, though I still believe what I wrote. I don't know how many people actually read this blog, but thought I would post it here:


Warning: if you consider yourself to be "ex-gay", the following post may be offensive to you!
Also, I am not making light or minimizing those few who have truly found total freedom from all homosexual desires and attractions. I realize that there are some of you that do exist.

Some years ago we got a new pastor at our church that had several kids, which were not too well-behaved. One thing they pulled once that was funny and cute involved labels. Our Christian school saved Campbell's Soup labels, and a pep talk had just been given at school about saving the labels, and to bring in as many as the kids could. So two of the kids went home, got in the cupboard where the soup was, and removed every soup label off the cans in there. It made their meals interesting for a while - no one had any idea what kind of soup they were opening!

Labels on food are pretty necessary. Otherwise you'd buy what you think might be chicken soup, and open it to find mushrooms. Uggh! There are other areas in life that we need labels also. It would be a pain buying clothes if there was no label saying what size it was. Instead of buying the XL size I need - if I didn't try it on, I might end up with a medium.

I do wish we could do like these kids and rip off the labels we wear and attach to people. Even denominational labels. Who cares if you are a Baptist or Episcopalian? I think some Christians would be shocked if you told them up in Heaven there will be no denominations. What will get you in there is the blood of Christ, and that alone.

The labels I am most becoming to detest, are the ones that can be attached to me. Gay. Homosexual. Ex-Gay. Former homosexual. Good grief! Why can't we just be Christians?!
My best friend has addressed the ex-gay issue some, and so has a guy on the forum part of this site. The thing is, I am not sure there are that many ex-gays. Let's look at the definition of "ex-gay": the very term "ex" means "former". Ex-wife is your former wife - she isn't your wife anymore. So if you are "ex-gay", you were formerly gay, and you are not anymore. So am I am I an ex-gay?

Let's look at another definition: gay. The first definition that popped up is: Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Well guess what? That still applies to me. I have quit sex with other guys, quit the gay porn, with a relapse here and there, but I still have an orientation - or attraction - to persons of the same sex - men.


Most of the "ex-gays" I have read books or testimonies of, admit there are still times that they struggle with attractions and/or desire for other guys. Even the ones that are married and have a ton of kids. I used to feel there was something wrong with me when I would repent and try to live for God, but still find guys attractive. No matter how hard I prayed, it was still there. In fact, I bought gasoline two days ago, and went inside to pay, and a young muscular guy took my money, and the thought immediately went through my mind "man is he cute!" And he was. So, does that mean I am not "ex-gay". Does that mean I am not a Christian?

See how bad labels can be? I am no ex-gay, and most of the "ex-gays" running around are not either. We are guys that are attracted to other guys. "Gay Christian" seems to be a paradoxical phrase, but is that what I am? I still am attracted to other guys, though I am trying to serve God and keep my thoughts and actions pure and right in God's eyes. In a lot of people's eyes, I would still be labeled "gay". A lot of Christians would doubt my Christianity for admitting I am still attracted to other guys. A lot of gays would doubt my claim to freedom since I am still attracted to other guys. So what am I?

I will tell you what I am: I am a Christian. Pure and simple. So what if I am tempted by the sin of homosexuality? If it wasn't that sin, it would be another. People who have been guilty of other sins don't keep their label. We don't look at people in church and think: "there is Sally - the "ex-liar", there is Tom, the "former thief"." You gotta be kidding! God forgave them of whatever sin they were guilty of. If Sally is still tempted to lie, does that mean she is still a liar? Nope! Sorry for my language, but screw the labels. If we are serving God, that is all that matters! Jesus' blood wipes away all traces of sin, so should we keep the label attached to remind ourselves and others of what we were?

Speaking of what we were, another label that is getting to me, is "freed". Freed from what?! Most people who say they are ex-gay or former homosexual are not totally free from the attractions and desires, though they may not struggle with them much, depending on the person. So can we say we have been freed from homosexuality? Time to go to dictionary.com again:

First definition of homosexuality: Sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Second definition: Sexual activity with another of the same sex. Man, now we not only need to worry about labels, we need to worry about which definition we are referring to when we use that label! I'd pull my hair out if I had any on my head!

God has set me free from the life I used to live. Days and nights of pornography and anonymous sexual encounters with guys that half the time I didn't even know their first name. So what if He hasn't removed the attraction and desire for other guys. Isn't what He did a miracle in and of itself? I'd say He set me free from the gay lifestyle, but I read someone's opinion on that one, and they had some pretty good points. I will quote him here, as he said it pretty well:

"One of the things that I find particularly unattractive in my discussions with some of the leaders of various ex-gay ministries is their use and definition of the term "gay lifestyle" because it is very obvious that they are saying gay=sex. A good friend of mine is a noted gay author and sex advice columnist who is also in a long-term committed relationship. He thinks that we are crazy for the no-sex policy, but otherwise we pretty much agree on a lot. One of those being that the "gay lifestyle" that is so derisively thrown around applies to many straight people. No, not sleeping with the same sex, but having lots of hook ups with the opposite sex."

Good point there. What is so much referred to as the gay lifestyle sure can cover a lot, but in most cases, it is used to refer to the promiscuous sex that a lot of gays practice. I said a lot - not all. So if we say someone is living the heterosexual lifestyle, or straight lifestyle, do we immediately assume that the guy, or girl, is having multiple sexual encounters? Nope. Hence, another label we should toss out the window. Many thanks to a guy who calls himself "alfaboy2000" for pointing out how bad it is to use this term, and for providing the above quote. Hopefully he won't mind my use of it. He has started contributing to the forum on here, and although he is someone I wouldn't agree with on some things, I am sure - he has some pretty intelligent things to say. In fact, his posts were what got my little brain working on this topic.

There is something we need to remember: the whole issue of homosexuality is complex, and cannot be put in a neat little package like we like to do with everything. The most important thing of all is if we wear the label of Christian, and truly live it. We need to let God be the judge of who is really wearing it well, and who is not.

It is definitely wrong for people of the same gender to be sexually involved with one another and/or lust after another person of the same sex. But all too often, just as the desire for alcohol may stick with the recovering alcoholic for the rest of his life, so attractions and desires for the same sex may stay with the person who though struggles with same-sex desires, has given his life to God.

What is most important, is to keep Christ #1 in our lives, and live a life that is pleasing to Him. On the day we face Him, whether by death, or when He returns to claim His own, all I care is to hear those words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant”. On that day, who I am sexually will have no bearing whatsoever. What will matter is if I have lived my life the way He wants me to live it.

When Is It Wrong

I have no idea how many people read this blog - I only know of a few, but I would like some input on an issue that I constantly struggle with, and have for years. Before I get to that, I would like to stress that I am not asking so I can get away with as much as I can, but so I won't beat myself up so much. Women & men alike can comment on this.

The Bible talks about lust. For a man to look on a woman and lust after her, he has already committed adultery in his heart. We men are wired differently than women, whether it be someone like me who struggles with same-sex desires, or the completely normal heterosexual male. Women can see a "hot" shirtless guy, and most don't give him a second glance or thought. Guys like me see one, and the image lingers for days, and it is hard not to look again, to be bluntly honest. The heterosexual male sees a scantily clad "babe" and its all he can do not to ogle her.

I know the average heterosexual guy - or woman either - can relate to the struggle of a person dealing with same-sex attraction. Look at it this way: What if suddenly it was a sin to be with a woman sexually. To sexually desire one. How difficult would it be to shut off that desire? Yeah, my point exactly. Heterosexual guys have their own battles to keep purity of mind, whether single, or married - even if a guy is single, he can't be going around lusting after every woman he sees.

My question, if I can phrase it well, is when is it wrong? When does it become lust. At the risk of thoroughly disgusting people who might read this, I will admit it is really hard for me if I do see a shirtless guy in good shape who is shirtless. Good grief, even one in a muscle shirt or wife beater - we guys who struggle with same-sex desires have just of a hard time visually as heterosexual men do - maybe more - it isn't wrong for a heterosexual guy to find a woman attractive.

If I do see something - whether in a movie, or out in public, when does it become sin? If the thought goes through my mind "wow", or "man, he is nice-looking" - am I sinning? Or is it just a second look that is wrong? How do "normal" guys handle it with women, especially if you are married?

This issue does bother me, and I have struggled a lot with it. It is pretty difficult, especially in summer when the clothes start coming off, to not notice things. Even when nice looking guys are fully clothed, it is hard not to notice, though unlike heterosexual men, not only is their temptation to think, man I'd like to....which is definitely wrong, and a line not to be crossed - we also have the thoughts that we wish we were them, or looked like that. I seriously doubt many heterosexual men look at a woman and wish they looked like them. :-)

I really do want to live a pure life in thought and action, but do I need to feel I have sinned every time I notice a guy is nice-looking?

Like I stated, the issue is a little different for heterosexual guys, but I still would appreciate some input if you are reading this. Thanks.

How To Raise Heterosexual Kids

I don't have kids, so I am no expert on raising kids, but I can see where if certain things had been different for me as a kid and teenager, I may have turned out differently. Don't get me wrong: I try not to play the "what-if" or "blame" games. A big part of me realizes contrary to what a lot of Christians think, they my turning out to have homosexual desires wasn't my fault, but I can't start applying blame, though I have gone through periods where I blamed my parents, my classmates at school, and even God. I know I just can't go there - it doesn't help or change anything.

I have had this post in mind for quite some time. Hopefully I can throw out some ideas in a way that will make sense. And I wouldn't say 100% doing all this will cause your kids to never have an issue with homosexuality, but from personal experience, reading, and hearing other people's testimonies, I can say it will go a long way toward guarding against the possibility.

Kids are all different. One thing kids need is love and acceptance from their parents. I believe it is very important to find out how to make each kid feel that in the way they need it. A couple of books parents should read are "The Five Love Languages of Children", and when the time comes, "The Five Love Languages of Teenagers". If you are not familiar with these books, which started with one for couples, the author goes with the premise that we all have a "love language". Things that make us feel loved. I can't remember all five, but one is physical touch. For me, I longed to be hugged and loved by my dad. Looking back, I am sure he did love me, but never expressed it in any way that I needed. Is it any wonder boys who grow up longing for their dad's loving touch turn to other men for it?

A lot, but not all, of the gender identity issues that come up, come from issues with the father. With boys, I firmly believe dads need to find some common ground with their sons. Find something to do together that the boy will enjoy. And never force the kid to be involved in something he doesn't want to be. My dad wanted me in sports and hunting, both of which I detested. He never really forced me, it was more I was expected to do it. I was expected to take up hunting, which I tried and hated, and quit. I grew up feeling he disapproved of everything I did, and we never did much together. I went fishing with him some, but didn't even really get into that. I will admit, it might be tough for a guy to find common ground with a son who is not interested in those things.

I think guys should hug their sons and tell them they love them no matter how old they are. I may have mentioned it in another post, but I can still remember the night when I was around 8-9 that my mom told me that my dad said I was too old to be hugged by him. I was crushed, and in some ways, never did completely get over it. You of course need to be sensitive to kids and not be hugging your teenager in front of his friends, but I think down deep most boys need that and want it, even if they don't admit it out loud. I will go one step further and say I feel it is more important for a boy to hear "I love you" from his father, and receive some sort of physical touch, than from his mother.

And I want to be clear that just because a boy isn't a "jock" who lives, breathes, and eats sports - does not mean he is going to turn out gay. Boys are different, have different make-up and interests. Try to be involved in whatever they are. And though they shouldn't be forced into any interest, there may be a need to tactfully and lovingly direct kids away from some interests. Looking back, I can see where my parents should have encouraged me to put aside some toys and things before I did, but just because a kid plays with certain toys past the normal age doesn't necessarily a sign of a problem.

Girls. Likewise, they shouldn't be forced into a mold. There are girls that are "tom boys" who will in no means turn out to be a lesbian. I hate to pick on the fathers, but so often, it seems that is where the issues reside. The father needs to let his daughter know he loves her, and show her how men should treat a lady. Take his daughter on "dates".

The mother needs to affirm her daughter also, and try to be a part of whatever her daughter is interested in. If she wants to learn how to cook, sew, and all that - wonderful. But if she doesn't, don't make that a priority - just be there for her and try to find something she does that you can show interest in.

The mother needs to be careful with how she raises her son also. Don't make him into a "mommy's boy". Let him find his own way in some things. Don't be sticking up for him in every situation to the point that you champion him more than his dad. Try not to be the main parent in his life - he needs his dad - he needs both of your love, but in my case - and others, my mom always took my part. I was around her too much, and not enough around my dad. A boy shouldn't become a teenager and still be attached to his mom at the hip.

Be careful not to instill pride in your kids and raise them to think they are more special than anyone else, but do your best to instill self esteem and value in themselves. Make sure they know that as they are not above anyone, neither are they below. I had - and still have - major self esteem issues. I felt I wasn't as good as the other boys, and soon began to envy what they were, what they had. I wished I were like them. Another issue on the slide into same-sex attraction issues. A kid should know they are valuable in their own way.

Some may disagree with me, but kids, especially boys, should be taught to stand up for themselves and fight back. I know, it isn't the "turn the other cheek" idea of the Bible, but if a boy is taught never to fight back, and he is already dealing with some of these issues, and becomes a target for bullies because he never fights back, the risk of homosexuality becomes even higher.

One last point. Communication is key. I am not a parent, and don't have the answers on how to do it, but if you can keep lines of communication open, so that your kids know they can talk to you about anything, that is a big plus. I can't put a finger on why, but I never felt I could talk about stuff with my parents. I still don't. Had I been raised differently in that area, who knows what might have transpired.

I hope I have presented my thoughts in an orderly way that make sense, and hope that someone may gain some insight from what I have written. If I could boil it down to a brief sentence, it would be this: Love and accept your kids, and make sure they know it. One of these days, I may try to address the issue of what to do if you find out your child is gay.

And lastly, I am sure someone else could improve on what I said, and come up with more, but I do believe what I have written will help in raising heterosexual kids.

The Exodus Experience & A Prayer Request

Exodus International gets a bad rap. The militant homosexual movement hates anyone who says their lifestyle is wrong and that they can change - which is ironic, considering they accuse anyone who disagrees with them of being hateful and intolerant. Odd that they turn around and act so hateful and intolerant of those who say you can change, and of those who do change. Anyone who dares have any kind of gathering promoting the idea gets protestors - angry & hateful protestors. There is even a website called "Ex-gay Watch", whose only objective is to run down anyone who promotes the idea that they can change. The website owner tried the "ex-gay" ministries, and it didn't work for him. Now, he is bitter and is out to convince the world that Exodus, and anyone like them, is evil and hateful.

There are Exodus chapters all over the world. I tried a local one a few years back, but it was run by an older woman, and in my opinion, not very well - it could be it just wasn't what I was expecting, but there are many chapters where people who struggle with same-sex desires can find help.

Three years ago, I decided to go. My best friend and I signed up and got scholarships available for first-time attenders. Most of our way was paid. It was about 6 days long, and was not what I expected. I expected them to get up there and go on about how once you commit your life to Christ, it will be easy, you should never struggle ever again, but that isn't what it was like. I heard many times that it is a daily battle. Alan Chambers, the head of Exodus, formerly lived in the gay lifestyle, now married with kids, even said if he did not guard himself and stay close to God, he could fall.

One thing he said has stuck with me. He said people have told him he is just in denial, and he agreed, but said not the denial they talk about. He is daily denying himself as Christ commanded - something we all must do if we want to please God.

The speakers were varied. There were some who had formerly lived the gay lifestyle, but now were serving God, and there were speakers who had never dealt with that issue. Contemporary singer Clay Crosse and his wife spoke one evening about his struggle with pornography. He also led worship that evening.

Shannon Ethridge, author of the "Every Woman's Battle" books, and more, spoke one service, and though she didn't necessarily speak on homosexual issues, it was great. She made one humorous gaffe - she was relating the story of a man she knew who fell into sexual sin. As she was telling the story, she said "and then he met this woman - you know any time there is sexual sin, a woman is involved....." and she looked out and realized who she was talking to. She, and everyone else had a good laugh.

There were 3 daily services on most days. They had a worship band there who led in worship choruses to start, and man could that crowd worship. I think those who struggle with this sin have so much to thank God for, and possibly may have to depend on Him more than the average Christian - and it showed in the worship.

Not every speaker spoke about the homosexual struggle. The main theme was how we all need to draw closer to God and leave our sin behind, no matter what it may be. No matter the struggle, many people could have sat in those services and received encouragement and help.

During many services, they would play a short video of someone famous or semi-famous in the Christian world giving a short talk to us. One that went over tremendously well was by CCM singer Joy Williams, and then they played her song "Hide". A few of the words here:

"To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore"

The reason that song hit home is another reason that the whole Exodus experience was so awesome - to wander around on a college campus full of people like me - who struggle with these same desires, and are trying to live for God and deny those desires - no one had to hide who they were. No one judged you. How totally awesome.

There were also workshops on different subjects, with a few going on at the same time, so you had to pick and choose what ones were most important.

And the food......man, did they feed us. They had a caterer who served the most awesome foods. There were fountain drinks and ice cream - man, that was even worth going for!

I walked away from that week tremendously encouraged. Of course I knew there were many others who struggle with homosexuality and are serving God instead of giving in, but to see so many and be around them - I really can't put into words what that did for me.

There were of course a few protesters - why on earth they have to protest peaceful non-hateful things like the Exodus conference - I didn't hear any hate while I was there, only love and encouragement.

And now the prayer request. I have no idea how many people read this blog, maybe just a few, but I would appreciate anyone's prayers on this: I would like to go to this year's conference in Chicago, and know it would help me, but not sure it will work out. There is the money situation of course - I have a family vacation scheduled the first week of June - I have to save for that, and for being off a week of work, so it would be hard to save for 2 things - my family would be upset if I canceled, plus the whole gang is going - siblings, in-laws, nieces & nephews.

The other issue is I only work part-time - hopefully soon will get a full-time job, but if I do, that could interfere with getting time off, so if you read this, pray that somehow God would work out all of the details so I can go. Thanks.

Clark Kent & I

A few years ago, someone talked me into watching a show that I had always thought looked pretty stupid: Smallville. Now in its 7th season, Smallville follows the life of a teenage Clark Kent as he grows into his powers and eventually will become Superman. After a few episodes, I was hooked. I watched the first few seasons on DVD in just a few days.

From the start, I felt an empathy for Clark Kent, played by Tom Welling. No, I don't have any special powers, and I am sure not as nice looking as he is, but he has a secret. He lives a double life. In the first four seasons or so, he is a teenager going to school, saving lives on the side, and no one knows his secret at the beginning, other than his parents.

The reason I empathize with the fictional Clark Kent is I know what it is like to have a secret, and do my best to keep it from the rest of the world. My secret of course is not super powers, but same-sex desires & attraction.

Over the years of Smallville, Clark has confided in a few people, and a few people have found out his secret. Most of them never look at him the same, and sometimes he wishes they didn't know. I can relate. Most Christians have no idea how to handle the issue. Most of those who know my secret don't seem to treat me differently, but they never talk about it, and I feel like I can't talk about it even though they know. Some people seem worse off for knowing Clark Kent's secret, and I have to wonder if the same isn't true with mine.

I watched the latest Smallville episode last night, which is the reason this is on my mind. Someone from the past comes back who knows Clark's secret and tries to blackmail him. He beats her to the punch, confides in the lovely Lois Lane, and has her "out" him on a front page news story. Overnight, he becomes a hero. Everywhere he goes people want his autograph, but then the tide turns. The same evil woman convinces the world that Clark isn't a hero, but a killer, and soon even his friends are being chased by the police.

About 10 years ago, I became interested in the Big Brother/Big Sisters of America program. Contrary to the idea many Christians have, most guys who are gay/struggling with those desires are not child molesters, and I sure knew I wasn't, so I entered the program. I had 4 great years being the "big brother" to a neat kid named Jason. He was like part of the family, and was even usher in my little sister's wedding. His mom was a Christian, his dad absent since birth. We hit it off and got along great. His mother was hard-working and proud, and often told me what a change I had made in her son's life.

That all changed in May of 2003. In talking to one of my co-workers and good friends, the subject had come up and she found out of my struggles due to a question she asked, and I admitted it. She said if I ever needed to talk about it, she was there. My world was rocked in on that May day when she handed me a note on a Thursday and said I had until Monday to tell Jason's mom about me, or she would. I worked for a small Christian business with about 6 people working there, besides the owners. When I went to work the next day, still shaken, not knowing what to do, I found out she had told everyone at work what was going on.

I begged her, tried to talk her into letting me just end the big brother thing without telling them, but to no avail. I feared my family finding out - my one brother-in-law has no idea, and I fear how he would react. She wouldn't budge, and seemed to enjoy what she was putting me through. I made the mistake of asking her how she would feel if it all came out in the open, I lost my family, and ended up killing myself. She called the police and said I threatened suicide.

I ended up talking to the guy in charge of Big Brothers/Sisters, and he handled it from then out. Jason's mom was pretty upset - not really because of my struggle, but because her son got grilled by Children's Services without her knowledge or consent - they had to make sure I never did anything inappropriate with him. I never saw Jason again. His mom emails me and reads and comments on my blog, so she has gotten past her anger, but for months I couldn't sleep well, and my life was never the same.

Looking back, I realize in a sense I was blackmailed, and had I wanted to go public, with a good lawyer, I may have had a case, but that ordeal, and more recently, the Sunday School lesson about same-sex marriage, made me realize I am better off the fewer people who know my secret. Sure, my other co-workers told me they admired me for how I handled the situation, forgiving the people involved, but I was worse off for what had been done.

It isn't easy carrying this secret. People, mostly Christians, make anti-gay comments around me, having no idea that are hurting me. I worry what my life would be like if it ever got totally out. I definitely wouldn't be an overnight hero, like Clark Kent. I fear I would be looked at as a freak, a child molester, and most people would steer clear.

I wish the day would come that the church still views homosexuality as a sin and takes a stand against it, but that Christians as a majority would realize that there are people like me. People who wonder why this happened to them, how it happened, and struggle daily to live a Christian life in spite of having these desires, and would have compassion, not disgust and mistrust. That they would love them and do their best to help & encourage them in their struggle.

I know I am jaded and skeptical, but I doubt that day will ever come. There are people who are the exception. There is a super nice guy who reads this blog, and my other blog - and he seems to get it. And there are others, but I fear the majority of evangelical Christians may never "get it". All to many believe it is a choice - are they nuts?! - and that anyone having same-sex desires is just waiting to sexually molest their kids. Maybe I am wrong, but unless Christians are educated and become more compassionate, it will never happen.

In the Smallville episode last night, Clark Kent was able to turn back time 2 days before he told the world his secret. He decided in the end that the fewer people who knew his secret, the better off he was.

That's where I am. I feel the fewer people who know my secret, the better off I am. Sure, the more people who would pray for me knowing of my struggle, the better I would be in that respect, but I fear the backlash and fear I would meet would outweigh that, so for now, I struggle mostly in silence. Even those who know of my struggles never ask about it, or how I'm doing, and I have come to the realization that I can't depend on others. Sure, I can use all the prayer I can get, but most Christians in my world can't handle the issue, so I can't depend on them, I have to keep marching forward regardless.

That is why I started this blog. On this blog, I can be open about what life is like for a Christian struggling with homosexuality, and yet remain anonymous. And to anyone who reads it and says even one prayer for me - thank-you.

Homophobia

We hear the term, and I think we all know what it means. Dictionary.com defines it as "irrational hatred or fear of homosexuals or homosexuality". The gay right/militants try to throw the label on anyone who disagrees with them and says their lifestyle is wrong, but that isn't the case.

Homophobia does exist, and may exist more than we want to admit in the church. There was a time that I honestly didn't care if my struggle got out, if it would end up helping someone else. A part of me feels like someday God may use my struggles to help others, but I still fear people knowing. There are several people who know of my struggles, and they seem to treat me the same, though no one seems to know how to address it, or talk about it, and I can't remember the last time someone who knew about it, did talk to me about it.

Something happened in my church a few months back to show me that homophobia lives on. Our Sunday School Class did a month on social issues, and one of the Sundays was on the issue of gay marriage. Of course the discussion went to homosexuality in general. One guy who spoke up several times kept using the word "pervert", and said he would rather his kids hang around a thief or prostitute than one of those "perverts". Another who spoke up several times had no sympathy, and made the statement that he wouldn't want his kids around one of "those". He also made some other derogatory remarks. (Side note, since that class happened, he was caught viewing pornography on the computer of the Christian organization where he worked, and resigned and has faced public disgrace.) I felt shredded and was fighting tears most of the class.

I had made a few comments about the marriage issue, and after church, the teacher came up and thanked me for my participation. Then said that he wouldn't want his boys around one of those kind of people, they are no different than child molesters or rapists. I went home feeling very differently about ever letting my struggles go public.

A few years ago, I worked with Setting Captives Free, and online ministry dealing with sexual issues and other. I took their course for those struggling with same sex desires. and later became a mentor - worked with other guys struggling via email and lessons they did. I found out that there are a lot of men in the church, married, and not married, who deal with this, and have no one to tell. They fear telling their pastor or anyone in the church, and is it any wonder?

Don't get me wrong. There are the militant gays out there who want to shove their lifestyle down your throat. They want to make it illegal to say their lifestyle is wrong. They want it taught in the schools, and promoted everywhere. But.......there are far more people who struggle with the issue - and many who live the lifestyle - who want to quietly live their life. The church tends to lump them all in with the militants. Yes, we need to fight against hate crime legislation and same sex marriage, but we also need to speak out with love for those who may be in our own church and family and are silently struggling, fearing if they are found out that they will be ostracized and branded a child molester.

Kirk Talley, a Southern Gospel singer who deals with this issue himself, told the following story, which just cut me to the heart when I heard it. A young man had attended this church and played his guitar in the praise band. One Wednesday night, he confided in the pastor about his struggle with homosexual desires. The pastor promised to pray for him. Sunday morning came. The young man was on the platform with the rest of the band. The pastor stepped up to the pulpit and told what the young man had told him, then turned to the young man and told him to get out of his church, that they didn't need his kind around there. That young man took his guitar, walked out and never returned.

How cruel, and horrible of that pastor. He should be horsewhipped and tarred and feathered. Is it any wonder the homosexuals think the church is hateful and intolerant? Is it any wonder our boys and men are silently struggling with this issue, and many will never confide in anyone, but will either silently struggle for most or all of their life, or leave the church and live the gay lifestyle?

Somewhere along the line, we have put degrees on sin. Homosexuality has been put up at the top of the worst sins, right under child molestation, and many Christians equate the two. Yet when God lists people who will not go to Heaven, the liar is right there with the homosexual.

There are sins that carry more of a stigma, and in this life, cause more damage. If you are going to commit a sin today, you are better off lying or coveting than killing someone, or committing adultery, but the church is supposed to be a place where sinners can come, and if we only want sinners with "respectable sins", then we aren't doing what God wants, and we may as well shut our doors. Jesus hung around with the lowest of society and the worse of sinners. There is no mention of homosexuals going to Jesus, and He never mentions the subject - maybe it wasn't an issue in Israel in His day, I don't know - but I do know that had they gone to Him, He would have loved them, and forgive them, just as He loves them and will forgive them today.

I would love to see the day that openly gay people could attend our services in our churches. Not that they would hear acceptance of their sin from the pulpit, but that they would feel welcome and loved, in spite of their sin.

Someone has said that the ground is level at Calvary, and the idea is that none of us are more special than others, and are equal at the cross. That also stands true of sin. At the foot of the cross, the person who has been a good moral person, is no better than the homosexual, the prostitute, or even the child molester.

It all boils down to love. No matter what the sin, we are to love as Christ loved - not the sin, but the person enslaved in it.

Marriage & The Struggler

I use the term "struggler" for lack of a better term. If a person is dealing with same-sex attraction, but not giving in to those desires, and living a life for Christ, why call them a homosexual? So in the posts in this blog, I will refer to myself, and others like me, as a "struggler", because it is a struggle.

The subject of marriage came up this evening as I was chatting with my best friend on line. I honestly feel that will never be an option for me. That is not a lack of faith on my part. There is a difference between realism and lack of faith. I will never be president of the USA - though I wouldn't be any worse than some we have had. Or have :-) - and likewise, I know marriage just isn't an option.

We are all different. Few people are delivered instantly from same sex attractions and desires. Most deal with it on some level for the rest of their lives - is it any wonder so many give up? Some are able to get to a point that they marry and have a family, but even most of them still deal with the desires on some level, and often still are not sexually attracted to any woman other than their wife.

Even though I shall do my best to remain anonymous on this blog, I still don't want to go into details of where I have gone, and what I have done, but I will say I have done enough in my life, and gone far enough, that I could never ask another person to deal with it. It just wouldn't be fair to anyone.

Even though I honestly feel I did not choose to have these feelings, I did have a choice with what I did about it, and there is the law of reaping and sowing, and that is how I look at me and marriage. As rough as single life is, I accept my status as my fault for the life I have lived. And I am not trying to sound like a martyr, just being honest and matter of fact about it.

There is debate and discussion about when a former homosexual should tell a prospective marriage partner about their past, and how much. I feel it should be done fairly early in the relationship, and as for details, not much is necessary, in my opinion. Things done in the past that are forgiven, should stay there. If there was sexual immorality, it should be brought up, but not the details.

In addition to what I mentioned already, I have fears of marriage compounding my problems. When I did try dating, I felt so trapped, and I am afraid I could end up feeling the same way in a marriage, and negative emotions tend to bring on the temptations more.

I admit I got a bit frustrated with my friend. He means well, but kept insisting I shouldn't give up on marriage, that there is always hope, etc. I firmly believe that we can live a life and do irreparable harm to ourselves. God forgives, but He doesn't wipe the effects of sin from our lives, from our minds, and I think sometimes it is best not to drag someone else into the wreckage of our life. That is not to say that God can't make something beautiful of our life, but the effects could last as long as we live, and for me, I will not ask someone to have to deal with that also.

The Gay Cross

I have come to view my struggles with homosexuality as a cross. Now when Jesus said to take up your cross, I am sure most people don't think of that cross as something like homosexuality, but I believe the cross we bear isn't always just scorn or persecution because we are a Christian, which let's face it, not many of us go through much persecution here in America.

Is it a stretch to think of homosexuality as a cross? I don't believe so. We as humans are like a river. We tend to take the path of least resistance. Most of my life, it would have been so much easier to just give in, forget about living a life for Christ, and just plunge headfirst into everything to do with the gay lifestyle.

I don't think heterosexual people get it. For us who deal with the feelings of same-sex attraction, it is just as much a part of us, as attraction for an attractive woman is for a heterosexual male. Just as a heterosexual guy often has a battle to fight in his mind when an attractive woman walks by him, so the same battle is fought in the mind of a man who is struggling with homosexual desires and attractions. There is a difference though. The heterosexual male can marry and have a relationship blessed by God. The homosexual struggler never can. It doesn't matter what state or elected official says it is ok, it will never be blessed by God, will never not be a sin.

All too many men and boys who are in the church, and are dealing with this issue do so silently. They fear what their family, friends, fellow church goers, would say if they knew. They fear they will be ostracized, put on the same level as a child molester. No one would want to be their friend. So day after day, month after month, year after year, they serve God, all the while, trying to deal with these feelings they have. Feelings they know are wrong, but feelings and desires they never asked for.

And they aren't wrong. Many in the church would look down on them, brand them a child molester. After all, these are the same people who say we "choose" to be this way. We "choose" to have these desires. Are they nuts?! If they could feel the way we feel, see what it is like to have a war raging in our hearts and minds - to be tugged in what feels so natural, yet so wrong. I read a quote once by a homosexual person - they asked why would anyone want to feel this way? How true.

Other Christians can call people to pray for them if they are having problems. People will go to the altar, and get up and admit they have problems in this area, or that, and people nod in understanding, and admire them for admitting they are having struggles. I came to a point that I quit going to the altar. Too many preachers would harp on the fact that you should pray out loud, confess to your sins, not "hang over the altar, put your head on your arms and pray silently". There was no way I was going to do that. The church gossips would have a field day! So when I felt I needed to pray, I would wait out the altar call and pray at home, where no one would hear my sins and judge me as a horrible sinner.

Some people know. I have men who call themselves my friend, who know, but they never ask me how I am doing. Never ask if there is something they can do to help me. I have had 2 pastors try to help me, and they were a help, but I never knew of them to read up on how to help, yet they admitted they weren't sure how to handle it. Were my problem marriage-related, alcohol, cigarettes, and "normal" sins and issues, they would have no problem talking to me and checking up on me. And I know some churches do better than others, but that isn't the norm.

Then there are the comments. Even Christians can say thoughtless and cruel things. Homosexuality seems to be a fun thing to make comments about. I have had to stand and listen to all kinds of remarks, and act normal. I will never forget the time someone was speaking, and made a statement about homosexuality. A guy who was my friend, someone I had hung out with before he married, leaned up and said "they should just round all of those people up and hang them". I was crushed and hurt, and he had no clue he had just shredded my emotions.

More recently, I sat through a Sunday School class where same sex marriage was being discussed. I sat there fighting tears and the desire to walk out, as I heard references to those perverts, that they wouldn't want those kind of people around their kids, that those perverts are no different than rapists and child molesters. As I sat there, I am sure those people had no idea they were causing one of their own so much pain and hurt.

And those who come out as Christians who struggle with this issue get it from both sides. The church, where most people still view them as perverse people, and the gay militants who want to shut up anyone who suggests they can, or need, to change.

And so we carry our cross. The cross of sexual desires we know are wrong, but can't get rid of, the cross of loneliness, wishing we had someone to love, and the cross of shame. Life would be easier in some ways, if we laid the cross down, and "embraced our sexuality", yet, we cannot do that, and live a life that is pleasing to God.

Living the Christian life was never supposed to be easy. It may seem that others have a lighter cross, or no cross at all, but none of us know what the other person is going through. There aren't many people in my church or circle of friends who would have any idea what I deal with.

The gay cross? Indeed. And very possibly, one of the most difficult to carry.

The Struggle Begins

I had a fairly normal childhood, but was not raised around many boys. I was the only boy in my family, and was picked on by my male cousins - they never treated me as an equal.

As time went on, I became the target of every bully at school. I did horribly with sports, and no one wanted me on their team, and I was ridiculed for my inabilities. At home, I never felt my dad loved me or approved of me. I never was interested in the things he was - sports, hunting, fishing.

Looking back, I really had no clue what was going on. I would hang around with the girls - that was safer, and the boys became a mystery, something I felt I was not. I started admiring other boys, would find myself fascinated by trashy romance novel covers - not the skimpily dressed female, but the shirtless guy opposite her.

While still a teenager, I started getting these books and reading the "sex parts", always focusing more on the guy, but still not getting it. I graduated, went to a Christian college. I dated a couple of girls, mainly because it was the thing to do, but it didn't go anywhere. I think I eventually would have realized what was going on - I had just never known much about homosexuality, or been exposed to it, but something happened that removed the doubts. For one of our classes, we had to do a paper on some big issue. I wanted to do witchcraft, but the teacher was afraid someone could get involved in it as a result of studying it. So I picked homosexuality. As I studied it, read about it, it finally hit me. Something I had suspected, but really hadn't given that much thought to - I was gay. I was like these people I was reading about as I wrote this report.

Shortly after that, I bought my first gay pornography, starting a life-long struggle with that, and also had my first sexual experience, all while still in a Christian college. Not on campus. I did however, often store my magazines in my room, and came pretty close to discovery in that area once.

It is a vicious cycle. I would sit in the church pew, silently struggling, come to a point that I couldn't handle it anymore, ask God's forgiveness, and stay on my feet a few weeks, sometimes months, and down I would go again, often feeling suicidal. I eventually told pastors and friends, and some of them were helpful, but none of them knew how to handle it. I came to the realization that I couldn't depend on people to kick this, it had to be God.

There are a lot of chapters in my story, some I'd rather not tell, but for years I lived that cycle, and it took its toll on me. I had health scares, it affected me emotionally, but never did I consider giving up, or trying to be a gay Christian. Those were just not options.

Here I am so many years later. The desires are still there, sometimes more than others, but I am still determined to make it, and that means living a single & celibate life, but we all have our cross to bear, and this is mine.