In a post I did a couple of weeks ago (original post here), I posted the lyrics and music video of a new song that really hit me hard and was the final thing to cause me to turn back to God. The song is still affecting me. When I am tempted to give up, I think about the words, especially the chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be
well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help
yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be
free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be
well.
The first verse talks about the crippled man at the pool who Jesus asked if he wanted to be healed, and told him to take up his mat (bed) and walk. That one line has really been on my mind - "are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?"
No matter what our sin and struggle, we have to do our part. Yes, God forgives and will help, but we don't just say a simple prayer of repentance and then its all easy going from then on. No, we have to work at it, do our part, and take up our "gay" mat. What does that entail? It may differ from person to person, but here are some ways I have come up with that I would say is taking up my mat and doing my part:
1) Pray. A lot. Homosexuality is a really rough struggle. It would be awesome if you could "pray the gay away", but it doesn't usually happen that way. However, praying about it, asking God for help and strength to not give into it - that does help.
2) Reading the Bible. Seems an obvious one for any Christian, but too many people don't read the Bible daily. I used to feel like I had to read at least one reasonably long chapter, or more, but I don't believe that is necessary. It doesn't hurt, but it is better to read a verse or two that sticks with you and you get something out of, than to read five chapters and you don't really get anything out of it. Bible reading for a Christian is not about just doing it to fill a quota, or because it is something we should do..... it is to help us.
3) Throwing some things away. I had to do this. Not every sin causes a person to accumulate "stuff", but even if it doesn't, often there are things we need to get rid of, and I definitely had some things I needed to throw out. Sad thing is, I dug them out of the outside garbage dumpster a couple of nights later. I threw the stuff away again and asked a couple of friends to ask me if I left them there til the garbage finally got picked up. And I did, though I was extremely tempted to go dumpster diving again. That brings me to the next one:
4) Accountability. As I stated already, homosexuality is a rough thing to deal with. And I could be wrong, but I think it is harder to deal with if a person has acted out, as I have. Not only do I have the lust and thought life to deal with, I have the knowledge of what it feels like to give in, to be with other guys sexually for pleasure. And yes, there is pleasure. If there wasn't, it wouldn't be so hard to get away from. Add pornography and masturbation to the mix, and yeah...... its a tough row to hoe. So you need accountability. People who will check up on you occasionally, ask you tough questions, people who will pray for you and won't mind if you call them, text, or shoot an email telling them you are in a bad spot or a weak moment. Its too easy to fall back into if you know no one is going to check up on you.
5) Be open. This is similar to the last, but different also. Be more open. It isn't always easy knowing who you can trust. I have told a lot of people, and so far, so good. To my knowledge, only one person has betrayed my trust, and that is a whole other story. And not everyone you tell is someone you are going to want to be accountable to, but it helps when people know. Not sure why. Maybe it is that whole "the truth shall set you free" thing.
6) Read books. There are several great books to read to help deal with having same-sex desires. One that I read recently and I am about to read again is Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. It is a great book for someone struggling with same-sex attractions, or for someone wanting to understand it better.
And there are other books outside of that topic that can help. Books about God's love, His grace, temptation, knowing God better, etc. Another great book I'd recommend is 13 Ways to Ruin Your Life by Jarrod Jones. It deals with sexual temptation in general, but is a great book and resource for people struggling with any sexual sin.
7) Journal or blog. It helps to write about your struggles. I don't like to write physically on paper much. I prefer typing, and started this blog to talk about my struggles. And it does help. Even with that accountability thing since I have some friends read this who do know who I am, and I am thankful for them.
8) Church. Another one that seems obvious, but no one is going to grow spiritually and overcome sin, if they don't get around other Christians regularly.
Other people could probably come up with some other ideas, and better ones, but after thinking about me and what I could and should do, these are the ones I came up with.
As I start this new chapter in my life, it is my prayer that God somehow use my struggles and the life I have lived, to help others. Hopefully, something I say on my blog may some day help someone else in some way. That is my hope and prayer.
And here is that song again:
Do You Wanna Be Well?
By William J.
Gaither, Suzanne Gaither Jennings, and Benjamin
Gaither
Verse
1:
Waiting there for thirty-eight years, cried so long he
ran out of tears
Just a worn out man, looking for a healing
hand
Then one day his chance came along, a healing Man who
could make him strong
And he caught his eyes, but his
question took him by
surprise
Chorus:
Do you wanna be
well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your
mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be
free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be
well
Verse
2:
Ever tried to fix yourself? Every
time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning
in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached
to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new
heart?
Chorus:
Do you wanna be well?
Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat
and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be
free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be
well
Bridge:
There’s
a better life waiting just for you
Endless open spaces in
the sun
Chorus:
But
you gotta wanna be well, Really wanna be well.
Are you
willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna
be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and
whole, you gotta wanna be well
1 comment:
Very good post.
I would add - do not only journal about your struggles, but journal about your Bible reading and studying. I've been doing for years. God does show a lot of things, and every time I get back to the same Bible passage, there are other new things I hadn't seen before.
Another thing that I would also add - when I struggled most with my SSAs, I would invariably be self-absorbed with my misery, with useless thoughts about how life "could have been if" (if my Dad had given me attention, if I had grown up with a different body of which I did not feel ashamed of, if I ____________). I invariably think about myself, myself and myself, and that does not end well.
Well, what have I found out? It really helps to THINK AND CARE ABOUT OTHERS, on purpose. To pray for others, to get out of your way to care about them, to ask how they are doing, to help them. Yes, when we are hurting, that takes a lot of effort - and you feel as if it is the last thing to do. However, it really helps. It is impossible to love others and not be loved somehow. God Himself sees to it that we be cared for.
I think it was C. S. Lewis who said that humility is not thinking you are less than you are, but taking less time to think about yourself. The words are not these, I don't remember the exact quote, but it boils down to it.
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