7 days

It was 7 days ago that I got back to God, and decided I was going to do it right this time. I did mess up once: I had thrown out some "stuff" that I needed to get rid of, only to dig it out of the small outdoor dumpster 2 days later, and accessed porn on the computer. I repented, threw it out, and told a couple of friends to ask me if I left it there after the garbage pick up on Tuesday. I am happy to say that by God's grace, I didn't dig it out again, and it is gone for good. I was really tempted a few times, and it almost physically hurt to get rid of it, though that sounds like an exaggeration, it isn't.

I don't want to get into theological deep waters, but no matter what one believes about eternal security and falling from grace, I definitely have been a Christian before, and I definitely threw up my hands and gave up and lived for myself for the last 2+years, no praying, no reading my Bible, only indulging in my sinful pursuits. Even if you believe in eternal security, one doesn't just start doing everything right without repentance. I don't believe in eternal security, and believe one can walk away from God. And I did.

Anyway, I have gone through periods like this before, but never as long as this one lasted. I feel so totally different this time. More hopeful, happier. I am doing a lot better at believing God loves me. I am working at it, reading Scriptures about God's love, and asking Him to help me believe.

I feel there are a couple of things that have interfered with me truly breaking free and staying free over the years: struggling to believe God loves me, and the distorted view I have had of God - believing that He grudgingly forgave me and was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out on my ear. I am doing a lot better in those two areas, thankfully, but really need to focus on believing He does love me, and that He truly wants to forgive me even more than I want forgiveness.

I've opened up more to more friends, and that is helping along with their prayers. I'm not saying there won't be temptations, struggles, or even failures, but things are different this time, and I hope and pray I stay true.

Only Grace by Matthew West

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.