Answers to prayer and progress

  

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I was worried about getting time off for the Hope for Wholeness Conference next month. We are required to ask two weeks ahead of time for days off, but since I was putting money down, I didn't want to chance it, so I asked at the end of March by email. Never got a reply. Emailed about 3 weeks ago to remind the guy and asked if I needed to let him know closer the time. Still no reply. Emailed him this week on Tuesday and specifically asked him to verify that I had the days off. No reply. So yesterday, I called him. He pulled his calendar out and said he had me off for June 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. I wanted to say "Let me introduce you to a cool feature on your email called "reply", but I didn't. I was just thankful I got them off.

  This should be a lesson to me. I have been fretting and worrying about it for a few weeks, even though I have been praying about it. If I'd have called him sooner, it would most likely have cut that worrying and fretting out.

  I am really looking forward to the conference. My best friend and I will be sharing a room, and we don't get to see each other very often, about once a year. The conference goes from Thursday, June 5 thru Sunday morning June 8. I am off Sundays and Mondays, so I asked for an extra day off, Tuesday, and my friend is coming back with me on Sunday and staying til Tuesday. Looking forward to that also.

  Most days, I feel like I have so far to go spiritually. I feel I don't pray well enough, read my Bible right, am too short tempered, and other things. I do need to mature spiritually, but I don't want to lose sight of how much God has helped me and how far He has brought me. I am still attracted to guys and maybe always will be. I still have a hard time not looking at nice looking guys, especially if they are shirtless, but it has been eight months since I have hooked up, and I rarely have temptations to do so. And when they do come, it isn't very intense. That could change, but I will be thankful for the way things are going right now.

  And part of me wonders whose ideal I am trying to live up to anyway. I want to live the way God wants, and I want my life to please Him, but is it God's ideal of the progress I need to be making, of how my prayer and Bible reading time should be, or is it mine? If I think about it, it does seem I have my own ideas of how I should be doing things, of the progress I should be making, and maybe I am expecting more out of myself at this point in my walk with God than He is expecting. Who knows. I am trying not to beat myself up over it. As long as I am not giving into sin, and as long as I am going forward in my walk, that is better than where I was a year ago.

  There is still a lot of uncertainty. I need my own place, but wonder if I can ever afford it on my current wages. I worry about affording a new car when mine gives out, and a lot of stuff like that. But God has been helping me in the areas of sexual temptation, so I must believe He can and will help in these other areas also.

May miscellaneous

 

  Now that the weather is getting warmer, I am seeing a lot of guys either shirtless or in shorts and muscle shirts. The first is a major temptation to look and lust, and the second is almost as much. It is going to be a tough summer.

  However, I want to be thankful for the progress I have made. I am very close to hitting 8 months without hooking up for sex. That hasn't happened since I moved back in 2008. Granted, I came close a few times, and there were times I would have, but couldn't for some reason or another, but there were also times I had an interested guy and didn't go for it. In the weeks between September and the end of November when I finally got back to God, I spent a lot of time on gay hook up sites and apps, looking at profiles, chatting with guys, but never hooking up.

 I believe that was God already working on me. I was making a lot of progress in my search to believe in God's love, and at the same time I was making progress, I started to lose interest in hooking up. That didn't mean I lost interest in guys, but in hooking up.

  Since the end of November, I haven't been to one hook up site, nor reinstalled an app for those purposes. I have given into porn some, but not long lasting, and was never tempted to hook up. That is miraculous, and something I am trying to focus on as I am tempted to lust.... that at least the temptation to hook up is barely there, and usually not at all.

  I am still planning on going to the Hope for Wholeness Conference next month. I paid the registration and part of the conference center's reservation, so hoping it works out. Financially, barring any disaster, I will have no problem going. I am just worried about getting the time off. I have been praying about it, and maybe it is a lack of trusting God..... but I am still worried.

  There aren't many people trained for my position, and I am asking off for 4 days. I did ask in plenty of time - end of March, and sent a reminder this week, but officially I have to ask 2 weeks out. I had asked off for one day when my nephews were visiting, and could only have it if I switched with someone...... and I wanted an EXTRA day off. I do feel I should go, and God worked out the transportation part of it so I won't have to drive very far, just 2 hours and ride the rest of the way with a friend.

 
  Part of my family is going on vacation at the same time as the conference, well actually kind of overlapping. The conference is from Thurs-Sun, and the vacation is from the same Saturday to the following Saturday. My parents, my one sister and her family, and some cousins. They don't know I am not going yet, and wimpy me is afraid to tell them. I still have a long way to go in the department of standing up for myself. A normal guy half my age wouldn't be afraid to tell them, but here I am putting it off, and it is a month away.

  I know they will be disappointed, and I already feel guilty, but I feel I should go to the conference, no matter how much fun being with the family at the beach sounds. Ironically, I will be in the same state: North Carolina.

  Work is going pretty well. I have some days that are more hectic, and some of the nurses can be rude, but others are super nice. A lot of patients thank me several times for my help. I have to greet them, get a wheel chair if they need one, help them register, let people back to visit relatives, etc. I like it, but not sure I want to do it long term, plus I need a better job so I can be on my own again.

  I have just been in the new position since March 10, and have gotten a lot of compliments on how well I am doing, which is really nice to hear. I still struggle with self esteem and feeling inept, so it does me good to receive some affirmation. I wish I didn't have so far to drive - 32 miles, but am thankful I have it, and thankful to now have Sundays off.

  I am still doing well in the believing God loves me, and have come a long way in getting how merciful God is, and how great His grace, but I wish my walk with Him was deeper. I feel I need to do better, yet I don't want to get in the performance mode again...... been there, done that, and it isn't a fun way to live. I wish I loved reading the Bible and praying more than I do, but I will keep doing it and asking God to help me. He has brought me so far. A year ago, I was depressed, wishing daily that I could kill myself, addicted to porn and sex, and far from God...... I am amazed at how far He has brought me and need to remember that. He can help in these areas too.

May happenings

 

I haven't blogged on here for a couple of weeks, so wanted to get a short one up in case anyone who reads it wonders how I am doing.

  Warmer weather is getting here finally, and with it comes temptation since there is more skin showing, but other than those temptations, things are going pretty well. I have fallen to porn a couple of times, but it was short-lived. I think it is more needing the release than a temptation, if  that makes sense, not that it makes it OK if that is the case.

  I did have something happen a couple of nights ago that threw me off balance and had me upset:
 I got a private message on Facebook from someone who goes to my church. She told me I post too much "gay stuff" and she fears some young person might read something I posted and decide to try it - being gay.

  She is someone who knows about my struggles, so I reminded her I deal with it, and post so much stuff about it to wake people up to what is going on, to show there is hope for those who are struggling in that area, and to let the church know there are people in their own midst struggling in that area.

  She replied that she knew I struggled in that area, but that she would think I would want to get as far away from it as I could, and not be posting and talking about it.

  I was pretty much blown away by the conversation, and felt pretty badly afterwards, to be honest. I can't think of anything I post that would entice anyone to try being gay. I post links to legal battles Christians have because of gay marriage and gay rights, links to stories of people who have overcome homosexuality...but nothing that would encourage anyone to try it, and I am insulted that anyone would say such a thing.

  The last part of her statement, about she would think I would want to get as far away from the gay issue as possible, brought to mind a similar conversation from about 15 years ago. I had a friend staying with me for a few weeks who knew about my struggles. He saw me reading a couple of books on overcoming homosexuality, and told me that I might not struggle so much if I quit reading about it.

  I feel both of these friends are wrong. Reading about others who have been there encourages me, it gives me hope that I can get past all of this and live a victorious life. Reading about people who are living victorious does not pull me down or make me struggle less, but just the opposite.

  And what if everyone did as the first friend mentioned suggested: not talk about it, and distance themselves as far from the gay issue as possible? There would be no encouraging books written, there would be no ministries to help people with same-sex attractions. All we would hear from is the ones who are out and proud, and it would do nothing to help us live victoriously, but the complete opposite.

  I am against the idea of a Christian who is living for Christ and trying to overcome homosexuality, calling himself or herself gay. I feel it can be dangerous to one's healing to identify with the sin your are trying to overcome, however, I think it is rare that one can get to the point that the attractions and desires are totally gone, and in most cases will always be there on some level. So I believe it is profitable to be involved in ministries that help people with SSA, and profitable to have contact with others who have been there.

  Ironically, the same friend who messaged me last night is a cancer survivor. Granted, cancer is not a sin, but she still talks about it, celebrates her and others' anniversaries of being cancer free.... if her logic is applied to cancer, wouldn't you think she would want to distance herself as far as she could from anything to do with cancer? Or am I wrong in drawing any kind of comparison?

  I am thankful for the resources available nowadays. When I first realized I was attracted to other guys, there was hardly anything. It was before the internet, so there was no support in that area yet. There were a few books, but not many. I had never heard of Exodus, International, and felt so alone and isolated, sure I was the only person within miles who was dealing with this issue.

  If I was just realizing it today, maybe things would be different. Who knows? There are a lot more people being open about their struggles and overcoming them than when I first realized what I was dealing with. So maybe I would get help sooner than I did and not go as far into sin as I did.

  As for anyone reading the things I post and wanting to turn gay, I honestly feel that is a crazy idea. I post nothing that glorifies that lifestyle. In fact, anyone reading the stories and articles, would want the opposite, I would think.

  I think part of the reason this bothers me, is as I am becoming more open about my struggles, it makes me wonder if this is the response I will get. Are people going to think I should not talk about it, and should distance myself? Will they be afraid I will entice young people to turn gay if I talk about it?

  Or is she right? Should I distance myself, basically stick my head in the sand and just "deal with it"?

Speed bumps

 

Things have been going pretty well, with the exception of a fall to porn now and then. I do have the Covenant Eyes accountability software, but both guys I have on have experience in SSA also, and I know they won't be surprised or shocked at sites I visit, so that hasn't been a strong deterrent, though it still helps, as they find out when I do fall in that area.

  I am still liking my job most days, but get frustrated some days with the nurses attitudes, especially when we are busy, and feel overwhelmed on some days. Not so sure I want to do this long term, and am praying about it already...... I still have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, and since this job is outsourced, the hospital could kick us to the curb in a year or two anyway....

   Before warm weather got here, I'd have to say my biggest trigger for temptations and a fall was worry. Now that shirtless guys are appearing, that is going to rival worry, but it is still a big factor. I have been staying with my parents for far too long, but am really worried almost to the point of being scared, about living on my own again. I am afraid I won't be able to swing it financially..... I am making a wage above minimum wage, but not much above, and even if it covers rent, bills, food, and gas... what about when my car dies, when I need tires, or my car needs worked on..... I start thinking about that stuff, worrying, and I become ripe for temptations, yet it is something I need to think
about.

  I don't know if it is just that stuff, but I have been feeling really discouraged and down since last night. I had a great week-end. Went to a Passion Play, had a great Easter, then Sunday evening came and with it, discouragement and depression. Tomorrow is my Monday, and I am dreading it. I wish I could take a few days off, but I can't..... I can't even get one extra day off unless someone covers it without getting overtime, something that is near impossible.

  I have even found myself thinking it would be better if I didn't have to live...... and though it may sound like it, that doesn't mean I am having thoughts of suicide. I am not. But it is thinking that hasn't been present for a few months now.

  I also have a fear that I am going to pay out money on registration for the Hope for Wholeness Conference, and then be told I can't have the time off. I did ask for it a few weeks ago in advance, but have to ask again closer to the conference. I know I need to have faith, but I still worry.

  In other news, I most likely outted myself to anyone who reads my other blog. I have a blog that I don't hide my identity on, and which I also share on Facebook and Twitter. I have said enough on it over the last few years that a few people suspected and were not surprised when I told them, but they also said what I had said was general enough that most people may not come to the same conclusion.

  However, in recent months, I have become increasingly bolder and open in what I have said, that I am sure more people figured it out. Then last week, I most likely removed all doubt and blew the door off of my closet. I did a blog post about what it is like to attend church and have to hide your struggles. I never said what I struggle with, but said enough that only a very dense person wouldn't get it...... and I even discussed homosexuality, porn, and depression in the same post..... so I am sure my secret is out.

   And I am OK with that. I am to the point I don't care. Yes, I am still a bit worried about family and co-workers, but still...... this is me, and people are going to like the real me, or they won't.

  I would like to get to the place where I could more openly discuss my struggle on that blog, but I will never be as open on here. I don't want everyone to know how promiscuous I have been. I don't want my family to read how I feel they have hindered in my healing, etc. - so if I ever do start openly discussing my SSA on that blog, this one will continue to exist, and I would most likely still post here some.

  This blog doesn't get a ton of traffic, but it still gives me a place to be more open and honest than I could be if everyone knew who I was. And I need that.

Hope for Wholeness 2014 video

Reply to mosichat

   I hate it when someone comments on a blog post and there is no way to reply to them. Such is the case with "mosichat". He didn't like my blog post Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and the Struggle. He commented, and I'd like to reply, but there is no way to, so I am going to give a short reply on here. Since I don't know that he will see it, I will keep it short. First, his comment, then my reply:
Comment from a physician:
From a medical perspective, this is the classic example of "ego-dystonic" homosexuality or gay people who struggle with their homosexuality. Thus far, it is thought that "gay" or "straight" behavior develops @ about 10 - 12 weeks when baby is in the womb. Geneticist believe that epi-genetics plays a key role in this issue, thus no "Gay" gene. In any case, gay people had no "choice" in deciding sexual proclivities. That's why repeated attempts at "reversing" homosexual attraction have proven unsuccessful over time.
I have many patients who are teachers, physicians, attorneys, judges, factory workers, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters who are "gay." Fortunately only one or two have had serious "ego-dystonic" issues regarding their sexuality. But I'm really surprised how hateful and "proud" that "Christians" are to condemn one another. Hate mongers as Santorum, Rev. Phelps, Falwell, Lahaye, etc have contributed directly to self deprecation and suicide of our youth. Shame on you! Where is your sense of "love?" Doesn't it say somewhere - "...and the GREATEST of these is LOVE."

Mr. "Mosichat": did you miss the part where I struggle with same-sex attractions? That I have gone so far down the road of gay sex and all that comes with it, that I feared I could never come back?

So how is it hateful for me, someone who is trying to overcome my sin of homosexuality, to talk about being disappointed in a Christian singer who tossed his wedding vows out the window, left his wife, and went off to live the gay lifestyle because God didn't take the temptations and desires away?

Did you get that? I struggle with homosexuality!!!!  I am not some judgmental person who has no clue what it is like. I know more what it is like than you do. So shame on you for attacking me.

And it doesn't matter if we are born this way or not. We are all born sinners with a bent to sin. God isn't OK with us pursuing any other sin instead of obeying His Word, why would He be OK with us pursuing homosexuality?

  I have plenty more to say, but since you may never see this, I'll leave it at that. But I am beyond shocked you could accuse me of being hateful for wanting others to be free from this sin that had about destroyed me. Homosexuality is not good. And you sir, are doing more harm by encouraging people to pursue it, than the people you accuse of doing harm by fighting it.

Things so far

   Things have been going pretty well lately. I still feel so far from where I should be in my relationship with Jesus, but am trying to keep in mind it doesn't happen overnight.

  The credit and glory is all God's, but I am amazed when I look back at where I was a year ago, and where I am now. Is life perfect? No. I still have things I don't know what to do about and worry about - i.e. my living situation, but I am trying to take one day at a time.

  I am past the 6 month mark of having no hook ups, and thank God I haven't even been tempted to try to hook up since December when I got back to God. I haven't even felt a pull toward the hook up sites and apps that I had been using for so long, which is a miracle.

  There have been some times I have caved and fallen to porn, but after a few days, I ditch it and try again. I am hoping and praying for the day that it doesn't have the pull that it still has, and I don't want to be too easy on myself, but I am thankful it is just porn I have fallen to, and not sex. I need victory over both though.

  I do find myself looking at nice looking guys at work, but it is never a "wish I could do..." kind of thing, or undressing them. I am not sure it is actually lust, though I do take second looks sometimes, so maybe it is. But I am still making progress. God is helping me a lot.

  It may sound dumb, but it almost worries me how little of a struggle it is right now with my same-sex attractions. I do fear summer will be worse. I already saw my first shirtless guys last week on a warmer day, and it was hard not to look away, but these have been the best months in that area for a long time. I know people are praying for me, and God has been helping me. I have also gotten in contact and interact with others who are struggling with this issue also.

  I don't think I posted on here that I am planning on going to the Hope for Wholeness Conference this year. It is something rising up to fill the vacancy left by Exodus International shutting down, and though they are still pretty small, it is something already helpful to me. I had been feeling I should go, but wasn't sure about driving my car that far, so I had been praying about it and told God my possible hurdles - also getting off work.

  I think it was  the very next day, a guy I have a mutual friend in common with and who had added me as a friend on Facebook, messaged me and asked if I was going. I told him I was thinking about it if it worked out. I said nothing about the car issue. He replied back the next day and said he was going, and I could ride with him if I wanted. He lives about 1 1/2 hours from me, so I can just travel that far in my car, and ride the other 7 hours with him. Seems like an answer to prayer for me.

 Barring any major financial need or disaster, the money shouldn't be a problem, and I already asked off for the days I need and told the guy I am reserving a motel and won't be able to get the money back. I don't know what I'll do if it comes up to the time and I am told I can't have it..... guess I should just keep praying about it and not assume it will all go well.

  I have been feeling God wants to use my struggles to help others. I have no idea how, and am not even trying to come up with anything right now. I realize until I cam completely "out of the closet" that may not be possible, but I am open to whatever God wants. I do have another blog where I am public about who I am and people read it who know me, and I have said enough on there that a person would have to be awfully slow to not figure it out.

  In fact, a few weeks ago, a Facebook friend asked to meet with me for lunch. He wanted to pick my brain as they decide how to address the gay issue, especially since they have a gay couple coming to their services. He prefaced it with referring to me having a lot of knowledge about the issue, and I figured he was assuming I struggle with it, so one of the first things I said to him when we met, was "I assume you figure this is an issue that I struggle with myself, and you're correct." And he had assumed that, but wasn't sure how to bring it up.

  And he can't be the only one who assumes that about me. And I don't care. I don't know if I am just tired of pretending, of hiding in the shadows, tired of pretending I don't want to get married instead of admitting there is a good reason I haven't...... or if it is God working in me preparing me for the day He can use me by my coming out of the shadows and saying what my struggle is.

  I think it would be great to have a ministry where guys meet weekly who are struggling, but I am not a leader type and not sure I could do that, yet God has helped others lead who didn't think they could. I don't know..... God is going to have to about hit me over the head with it before I'd try something like that.

  I am just hoping and praying that this is it. That I never go back to how I have been living. I know it won't always be easy, but I want to really commit for the long haul.

  One big help this time, is I truly believe God loves me, and though no one can truly understand grace, I understand it better than I used to, and realize God has truly forgiven my sins and is not just waiting for me to mess up so He can toss me out. That alone has done me worlds of good.