Ran across this and thought it was pretty good. What is sad, is the other side is encouraging kids as young as 5 to experiment and explore their sexuality, and encourage them to be gay. They would be much better off never exploring homosexuality. Link here.
by Dale O’Leary
June 12, 2012 (LifeSiteNews.com) - While your friends seem obsessed with girls, you are experiencing feelings of attraction to guys. You find yourself fantasizing about being close – really close – to a teacher or macho guy in your school. You long for something more, but it isn’t a girl.
The culture—teachers in your school, the Gay Straight Alliance—is telling you that all this is a sign you were born gay. You might as well accept it and “come out” because there is nothing you can do to change it. That’s how God made you.
But before you act on this advice, take time to look at the facts. You may have heard the claim that science has found a “gay gene.” This is not true. In spite of a lot of looking, no scientist has found anything resembling a gay gene. The head of the human genome project says they have looked and it isn’t there.
Other studies offer conclusive evidence that people are not “born” that way. If same-sex attraction were genetic or caused by some other pre-natal influence then identical twins would virtually always have the same pattern of sexual attraction. In a large sample of identical twins, only 27 pairs were found where one had same-sex attraction, and of these only 3 pairs or 11% both had same-sex attraction. These means same-sex attraction can’t be genetic and so no matter what you are feeling today or how young you were when you first felt different, you were not born that way.
Those who have studied the origins of same-sex attraction don’t believe there is a single cause, rather there are a number of paths that lead to these feelings.
Before you decided to “come out” you can explore how you got to this point.
Many persons who experience same-sex attractions in adolescence were victims of sexual child abuse or sexual exploitation by adults or by other children. Over 40% of persons who self-identify as “gay” say they were victimized as children.3 If this was your experience, you need to deal with this. Having sex with another male won’t heal this wound.
Some victims were so needy and longing for same-sex affection that they felt the abuse was a positive experience, because it was better than their other experiences. They may believe that since they experienced pleasure it means they were “gay.” It doesn’t. It just means their body works. Using a child as a sexual object is never good for the child.
Many men with same-sex attraction did not properly identify with their fathers or with other boys in early childhood. They felt different. Perhaps they identified with their mothers or female playmates, perhaps they were afraid of rough and tumble play, perhaps they lacked athletic ability, perhaps they were interested in art, music, or quiet pursuits.5 This could leave a young boy feeling left out of the male world and longing for masculinity. Such boys do not need to have sex with a male, they need to find their own manhood.
Perhaps you didn’t fit the stereotypes. Perhaps you were teased or even labeled “gay,” but that was a lie. Real men come in all shapes and sizes with all kinds of interests and different levels of abilities. None of these experiences makes you unchangeably “gay.” You just need to find your own masculine identity.
There are other reasons why you shouldn’t “come out.”
Although you may think that coming out means entering into a loving committed relationship with a person who will really meet your needs, too often it means falling into a temporary relationship which, when it dissolves, leaves you more devastated and feeling more lost than you were before.
You may be looking for security, but men who have sex with men end up going from one relationship to another – with all the attendant heartbreak or falling into a pattern of short-term relationships – short-term being an hour or two.
Some adolescent boys fall into prostitution with all the risks of violence, disease and shame. One can hardly be proud of a work history that includes a year or two of hustling or be pleased to end up as the poster boy on some pornographic website.
Disease is a real problem for adolescent males who come out. You may promise yourself that you would never be so stupid as not to use a condom, but the research shows that very few men who have sex with men keep this promise. They suffer from condom fatigue. They have sex when they are drunk or high. They believe a partner who says he is HIV negative, forgetting the score of other sexually transmitted infections the man might not even know he is carrying or that in the heat of passion men often lie. The younger a man is when he begins to have sex with men the greater the risk he will become HIV positive.
Disease is not the only health risk. Persons with same-sex attractions are more likely to have problems with drugs and alcohol. In particular, the use of crystal meth is a real problem for this community and the results are devastating.Not only does crystal meth lead to physical problems and mental problems, it also causes the user to think they are invulnerable and therefore don’t need a condom. This is leading to a rise in HIV infections.
Sex is addictive. Once you begin to have sex with men, you may not be able to stop. You may have programmed your brain for this particular activity.
The good news is that studies show that a majority of those who think they are “gay” in their early teens discover in their 20’s that they are not. They just grow up. Maybe that will happen to you spontaneously, maybe through counseling you will discover where your feelings came from.14 It would be a shame if before that happened you became a sex addict or meth addicted or infected with an incurable disease.
You have a choice. You can explore the origins of your feelings. You can get help to discover your manhood.
You can wait.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Feeling thankful
I have been feeling very thankful lately, and have been doing a lot of thinking. I just got a job, and from all appearances, it will be a good one and should be something I will enjoy. It starts out part time, which will be 32 hours, most likely less if they subtract lunch, but it should be full time after a while.
I quit my last "real" job back in August, and other than borrowing $200 from friends for Christmas, I have not run out of money. I had a job for about 8 weeks that I hated, but that even helped build my cash up, and most recently, a friend has needed help at her business due to someone else getting injured in an accident. I almost feel bad for feeling thankful, but it has helped me a lot. I worked 5 days for her last week, 2 so far this week - would have been more except for training for my new job - and am doing 2 more days for her this week. They are mostly 4-5 hour days, but I did have one that was 8 1/2, but it has added up and helped, and here I am about to start a new job, and still have money......
These last 5 years have been bad for me, and has been nothing like I wanted my life to be, but had I done more to keep positive, and not gotten so easily depressed and discouraged, I may have come through them better off. I am still struggling with the issue of God's love, but when I look at the facts above, it makes me wonder if He hasn't been taking care of me all along, even when I am in the spiritual state that I am in. I'm going on 10 months since I quit my job, and other than 8 weeks at the job I tried, I have been jobless...... other than helping my friend on holidays and this time because of n accident..... I'm amazed I haven't run out of money. Maybe it was God.
I start the new job next week, and am looking forward to it. Not everything is ideal: It is further than I'd like to drive, 30 mile or so, 48 minutes according to Mapquest, and after my first two weeks - in which I will be filling in for a guy on military leave - my normal schedule will be working every Sunday 6am-2pm. I don't like to work Sundays, especially missing morning church, but it sounds like that could change at some point. I told the man who will be my supervisor that I'm willing to work whenever, but would prefer not to work every Sunday if that could change at some point, and he said they should be able to work something out.
The job is more an hour than I have ever made, and is $2 more an hour than the job I quit in August, and they seem really nice, seem to want to treat their workers well, which is a plus. I am a bit nervous about starting a new job, but I believe this is the one for me, and am looking forward to it.
If all goes well, and it does turn to full time, I am planning on getting my own place again and hopefully moving closer to where I work so it isn't as far of a drive. But I'm not crossing that bridge until I get to it.
I quit my last "real" job back in August, and other than borrowing $200 from friends for Christmas, I have not run out of money. I had a job for about 8 weeks that I hated, but that even helped build my cash up, and most recently, a friend has needed help at her business due to someone else getting injured in an accident. I almost feel bad for feeling thankful, but it has helped me a lot. I worked 5 days for her last week, 2 so far this week - would have been more except for training for my new job - and am doing 2 more days for her this week. They are mostly 4-5 hour days, but I did have one that was 8 1/2, but it has added up and helped, and here I am about to start a new job, and still have money......
These last 5 years have been bad for me, and has been nothing like I wanted my life to be, but had I done more to keep positive, and not gotten so easily depressed and discouraged, I may have come through them better off. I am still struggling with the issue of God's love, but when I look at the facts above, it makes me wonder if He hasn't been taking care of me all along, even when I am in the spiritual state that I am in. I'm going on 10 months since I quit my job, and other than 8 weeks at the job I tried, I have been jobless...... other than helping my friend on holidays and this time because of n accident..... I'm amazed I haven't run out of money. Maybe it was God.
I start the new job next week, and am looking forward to it. Not everything is ideal: It is further than I'd like to drive, 30 mile or so, 48 minutes according to Mapquest, and after my first two weeks - in which I will be filling in for a guy on military leave - my normal schedule will be working every Sunday 6am-2pm. I don't like to work Sundays, especially missing morning church, but it sounds like that could change at some point. I told the man who will be my supervisor that I'm willing to work whenever, but would prefer not to work every Sunday if that could change at some point, and he said they should be able to work something out.
The job is more an hour than I have ever made, and is $2 more an hour than the job I quit in August, and they seem really nice, seem to want to treat their workers well, which is a plus. I am a bit nervous about starting a new job, but I believe this is the one for me, and am looking forward to it.
If all goes well, and it does turn to full time, I am planning on getting my own place again and hopefully moving closer to where I work so it isn't as far of a drive. But I'm not crossing that bridge until I get to it.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
From my rags to His riches
A new song that came across my path. I'm loving it, even though the reality of the song isn't true for me yet, it gives me hope:
From My Rags to His Riches
Verse 1
I sat beside the road of life and watched it pass me by
I begged for crumbs of charity but no one heard my cry
And when it seemed my destiny was that I would surely lose
The Savior came and offered me what I could not refuse
Chorus:
From my rags to His riches, He made an even trade
His beauty for my ashes, and I love the deal He made
Now I feel like a millionaire, all my cares He carried away
I went from rags to His riches on that day.
Verse 2
Where I had conflict in my life, now I am rich in peace
And though I lived in doubt and fear, I have reason to believe
Now I have wealth that goes beyond all the silver and the gold
And I can’t believe He gave to me a new life for my old.
From My Rags to His Riches
Verse 1
I sat beside the road of life and watched it pass me by
I begged for crumbs of charity but no one heard my cry
And when it seemed my destiny was that I would surely lose
The Savior came and offered me what I could not refuse
Chorus:
From my rags to His riches, He made an even trade
His beauty for my ashes, and I love the deal He made
Now I feel like a millionaire, all my cares He carried away
I went from rags to His riches on that day.
Verse 2
Where I had conflict in my life, now I am rich in peace
And though I lived in doubt and fear, I have reason to believe
Now I have wealth that goes beyond all the silver and the gold
And I can’t believe He gave to me a new life for my old.
Re: DJ
DJ commented on my "choices" post:
Hi again! Been thinking of & praying for you faithfully. Busy week ahead of me so my Internet time is a bit limited. I have a lot of responses & conversation I would like to post but it will have to wait. ;) I do want to quickly say that I definitely agree that no one would choose homosexuality. But...... studying Scripture, I see how we are created for a loving relationship with Jesus and to bring glory to God. So, while I don't believe He made you that way, what if God allowed this in your life to bring Him glory? What if you became so intimate with Him that your life became a powerhouse testimony to what God can do in spite of our weaknesses, brokenness & struggles? I've been listening to a lot of Francis Chan on YouTube this past week and I just want God to actually use me in this next (hopefully) ;) 40+ years in spite of all the yuck in my past. I want Him to actually be glorified in the next half of my life. Who knows what He really could use you for to advance His kingdom in your world if your life was really led by deep relationship with His Holy Spirit?
Keep slowly & cautiously reaching out to Him. He can handle it. ;) eventually, I'm thinking you'll find yourself in an all out, day-by-day pursuit of Him!!!
Thanks, I really appreciate the prayers, and for your helpful comments. You said something that I have thought before.....that if I ever got to where I truly needed to be with God, maybe He could use little old me. I have felt at times the day may come when I need to step up and "out myself." And maybe it wouldn't be that big of a deal for me to do so at this point. I have gotten very free with admitting it one on one to people. I lost track of how many people I have told...... the number may be as high or higher than 50 people who know, and thanks to a jerk in my past, there are people who know that I don't know of knowing. OK, thats sentence looks awkward, but I think it made sense. My biggest worry at this point would be my nieces and nephews, and my one brother-in-law. He still doesn't know, I am pretty sure. My other brother-in-law does know
The thing is..... I am to the point that I am not worried what people outside of my family would think. People are going to like me if they are going to like me, and if not, that is their problem....... so if I ever got to the place that I felt God wanted me to do so, I'd out myself. I get weary of hiding it, of pretending I just don't want to get married. It is a relief when I can admit the truth to someone.
I am sick of trying to be a Christian, at least the kind I have been. I want a real relationship with God, where I serve Him out of love and not fear, and believe He loves me and isn't waiting for me to mess up so He can use His white out on my name in the book of life.
I think you nailed it in your last comment: "Keep slowly & cautiously reaching out to Him. He can handle it. ;) eventually, I'm thinking you'll find yourself in an all out, day-by-day pursuit of Him!!!" I have been pulling away from the idea that I have to rush into serving God again. If God knows all, and He does, He knows I am sincere, that even though I am still doing things I shouldn't, that I want to find Him and do it right this time. I have to believe He is patient and will give me time. There is a fear that I could die in a car accident or something in the meantime......... and I could, but I am done being scared into serving God.
I may never change churches, as I do love my pastor and his wife, even if I don't agree with everything my church teaches. At least he doesn't rail or preach against all sorts of things..... but I have made a decision that won't go over well with my family. I am going to be very picky what revival services I go to, what camp meeting services I attend, and may not attend any of them. I am weary of preachers that try to scare people into going to the altar, who preach so strict a message that it undermines any confidence I have that I am a Christian, who tells "horror stories" of people who didn't go to the altar and God took them from the earth shortly after. I'm tired of that. And that is where I usually hear that stuff - camp meetings and revival services.
I quit going to the altar long ago anyway. The things I need to pray about are things I don't want anyone to hear, so if I feel the need to pray, I will do so at home. If I feel I need someone to pray with me, my pastor has proven he will do so at any time of the day or night.
Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. And may God bless you for caring about someone you don't even know.
Hi again! Been thinking of & praying for you faithfully. Busy week ahead of me so my Internet time is a bit limited. I have a lot of responses & conversation I would like to post but it will have to wait. ;) I do want to quickly say that I definitely agree that no one would choose homosexuality. But...... studying Scripture, I see how we are created for a loving relationship with Jesus and to bring glory to God. So, while I don't believe He made you that way, what if God allowed this in your life to bring Him glory? What if you became so intimate with Him that your life became a powerhouse testimony to what God can do in spite of our weaknesses, brokenness & struggles? I've been listening to a lot of Francis Chan on YouTube this past week and I just want God to actually use me in this next (hopefully) ;) 40+ years in spite of all the yuck in my past. I want Him to actually be glorified in the next half of my life. Who knows what He really could use you for to advance His kingdom in your world if your life was really led by deep relationship with His Holy Spirit?
Keep slowly & cautiously reaching out to Him. He can handle it. ;) eventually, I'm thinking you'll find yourself in an all out, day-by-day pursuit of Him!!!
Thanks, I really appreciate the prayers, and for your helpful comments. You said something that I have thought before.....that if I ever got to where I truly needed to be with God, maybe He could use little old me. I have felt at times the day may come when I need to step up and "out myself." And maybe it wouldn't be that big of a deal for me to do so at this point. I have gotten very free with admitting it one on one to people. I lost track of how many people I have told...... the number may be as high or higher than 50 people who know, and thanks to a jerk in my past, there are people who know that I don't know of knowing. OK, thats sentence looks awkward, but I think it made sense. My biggest worry at this point would be my nieces and nephews, and my one brother-in-law. He still doesn't know, I am pretty sure. My other brother-in-law does know
The thing is..... I am to the point that I am not worried what people outside of my family would think. People are going to like me if they are going to like me, and if not, that is their problem....... so if I ever got to the place that I felt God wanted me to do so, I'd out myself. I get weary of hiding it, of pretending I just don't want to get married. It is a relief when I can admit the truth to someone.
I am sick of trying to be a Christian, at least the kind I have been. I want a real relationship with God, where I serve Him out of love and not fear, and believe He loves me and isn't waiting for me to mess up so He can use His white out on my name in the book of life.
I think you nailed it in your last comment: "Keep slowly & cautiously reaching out to Him. He can handle it. ;) eventually, I'm thinking you'll find yourself in an all out, day-by-day pursuit of Him!!!" I have been pulling away from the idea that I have to rush into serving God again. If God knows all, and He does, He knows I am sincere, that even though I am still doing things I shouldn't, that I want to find Him and do it right this time. I have to believe He is patient and will give me time. There is a fear that I could die in a car accident or something in the meantime......... and I could, but I am done being scared into serving God.
I may never change churches, as I do love my pastor and his wife, even if I don't agree with everything my church teaches. At least he doesn't rail or preach against all sorts of things..... but I have made a decision that won't go over well with my family. I am going to be very picky what revival services I go to, what camp meeting services I attend, and may not attend any of them. I am weary of preachers that try to scare people into going to the altar, who preach so strict a message that it undermines any confidence I have that I am a Christian, who tells "horror stories" of people who didn't go to the altar and God took them from the earth shortly after. I'm tired of that. And that is where I usually hear that stuff - camp meetings and revival services.
I quit going to the altar long ago anyway. The things I need to pray about are things I don't want anyone to hear, so if I feel the need to pray, I will do so at home. If I feel I need someone to pray with me, my pastor has proven he will do so at any time of the day or night.
Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. And may God bless you for caring about someone you don't even know.
Turning a corner
Things have been really better lately. Not much has changed around me, but inside things are changing. I don't want to give the impression I'm where I need to be. The gay issue is still alive and well, and I'm not ready to tackle it yet. This will sound bad, but I don't even want to tackle it yet.
I am still trying to read my Bible daily and pray, though the prayer is usually asking God to help me to believe in His love, that He not give up on me, and that He'd help me find Him. Maybe I'm wrong in my thinking, but I have tried over and over to walk away from the gay stuff and serve God, only to give up all too easily. I am working on changing my wrong views and thinking about God for now. I am seeking after God, or maybe I should say seeking after knowing about Him in the right way.
It has been several days, even weeks, since I had the suicidal wishes and thoughts that I was having several times a day, which is a plus. I've been working on being more positive, and have been trying to stop putting myself down all the time. I have been engaged in some very negative thinking... no wonder I have been so depressed.
A couple of good things have happened to me just recently. I got called in for a job interview for something that sounds promising and I think I will like. It is just part of my make up that I am still a bit worried and fearful about it. The interview went great, and I have one day of training for it this coming Tuesday. I have no idea when I will actually start the job, but I would assume shortly after the training. It will be part time to start, but the man who interviewed me figured it would turn to full time in the not so distant future. The pay is more than I have ever had, which is exciting. The job won't be very close, so I will have a bit of a drive, but it should be less than an hour each way. If it does become full time, I plan on moving closer. Even though I am a bit nervous, I am excited.
The other good thing: I have a friend who owns two businesses. I help her out on busy times, a day or two on holidays when I can. Due to an accident on the part of her regular helper, she needed me 5 days last week and one this coming week. It averaged 4-5 hours each week, but man did I need the money, so that was a blessing. Not good for the man who had the accident, but good for me.
Last night I read the story of the prodigal son. I hope and pray for the day when the reality of passages like that really hit home with me. It is awesome how the father was waiting for his son to return, and ran to meet him. My head knows God is like that with me, but it hasn't hit my heart yet. Maybe it will one of these days.
I am still trying to read my Bible daily and pray, though the prayer is usually asking God to help me to believe in His love, that He not give up on me, and that He'd help me find Him. Maybe I'm wrong in my thinking, but I have tried over and over to walk away from the gay stuff and serve God, only to give up all too easily. I am working on changing my wrong views and thinking about God for now. I am seeking after God, or maybe I should say seeking after knowing about Him in the right way.
It has been several days, even weeks, since I had the suicidal wishes and thoughts that I was having several times a day, which is a plus. I've been working on being more positive, and have been trying to stop putting myself down all the time. I have been engaged in some very negative thinking... no wonder I have been so depressed.
A couple of good things have happened to me just recently. I got called in for a job interview for something that sounds promising and I think I will like. It is just part of my make up that I am still a bit worried and fearful about it. The interview went great, and I have one day of training for it this coming Tuesday. I have no idea when I will actually start the job, but I would assume shortly after the training. It will be part time to start, but the man who interviewed me figured it would turn to full time in the not so distant future. The pay is more than I have ever had, which is exciting. The job won't be very close, so I will have a bit of a drive, but it should be less than an hour each way. If it does become full time, I plan on moving closer. Even though I am a bit nervous, I am excited.
The other good thing: I have a friend who owns two businesses. I help her out on busy times, a day or two on holidays when I can. Due to an accident on the part of her regular helper, she needed me 5 days last week and one this coming week. It averaged 4-5 hours each week, but man did I need the money, so that was a blessing. Not good for the man who had the accident, but good for me.
Last night I read the story of the prodigal son. I hope and pray for the day when the reality of passages like that really hit home with me. It is awesome how the father was waiting for his son to return, and ran to meet him. My head knows God is like that with me, but it hasn't hit my heart yet. Maybe it will one of these days.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Choices
I've been thinking about choices today. About choices I've made, and wondering what ones I will make in the future.
There are still a lot of people who believe homosexuality is a choice, which is truly demented... why would anyone choose to deal with this? It is one thing in life I had no choice in the matter over. I never chose to be attracted to other males. When I was a freshman in Bible college, just for the sake of curiosity and rebellion, I bought a copy of a porn magazine.... not gay. I was so naive' I didn't know those existed, and I didn't realize at the time I was gay. The magazine did nothing for me. Zip, zero, nada. As sad as it sounds, I was turned off by it, and was grossed out. I didn't keep it around long.
I tried to date. OK, I did date. Neither went anywhere. Looking back, I feel badly about it. The one girl especially seemed to really be into me, love me. But I felt nothing. I was attracted to their personalities, not to them. I never kissed them, though that was discouraged at the college anyway. While I was dating the second girl, in my junior year of college, I did a paper for one of my classes. We were to pick a social issue. I wanted to do the occult, but was not allowed. My teacher worried about kids getting involved in that by studying it, so I picked homosexuality.
I'm not sure why I picked it. That has been 22 years ago. Maybe I suspected, I can't remember. I do know as I read books and studied to write a paper on it, a light came on and I realized what I was reading in these books, was me. I wanted to do with men what I'd never wanted to do with women. I was shocked.
I broke up with the girl I was dating, much to her dismay...... I think she was thinking marriage. On a side note, she was the one who basically asked me out, in a really round about way, not that it excuses me. I broke up with her in November of 1990. And man, that did not go over well with my mom......how many college aged kids get lectured and scolded by their mothers for breaking up?
I wish I had sought help, but in my defense, I was scared to death. I was on a very conservative Bible College campus.....had I told the wrong person, I'd have been kicked out. In February of 1991, just a few months later, I made that fateful choice, well two actually, that started me down this long road of anonymous sex and porn addiction.
I was home from college for the week-end, and drove to a nearby town to do some shopping and kill some time. I wondered into a bookstore... The Book Nook. I don't think they exist anymore. I was browsing and wondered down the one far aisle..... and there they were: a long row of porn magazines. I was shocked. I didn't know the store carried them. I casually glanced over them, and wow.... as dumb as it sounds, I had no clue they had gay porn magazines, nor that they would be displayed publicly. I grabbed a couple, paid with them with what felt like a very red face, and quickly exited the store, and made another bad choice: A young guy around my age approached me and asked if I wanted oral sex, well he used slang for that. He told me later that he hung around to see what guys bought gay porn, and would approach them. I said yes, and the rest is history.
No one was home when I got home that day. I felt dirty, really dirty. I immediately took a bath, but it didn't make me feel any less clean. And it didn't stop me from seeking more of it. And for a long time, I'd repeat the same ritual, a bath or shower to try to stop from feeling so dirty, but then I got used to it, or calloused.
Reflection can be a good thing, and as I look back at my life, I can see more bad choices than good, which can also be discouraging. I wish I had made more good ones than I have. If we learn from our mistakes, I must be a slow learner.
I have made some good choices lately. I've talked more openly about my struggles om this blog, and with a few people. I have chosen to be more positive, to stop wishing I could kill myself, to stop putting myself down. Habits are hard to break, but I am breaking them. I was driving today and met a semi truck, and the thought went through my mind that if he swerved my way, that would be the end of me...... and just as fast, the realization went through me that I didn't want that to happen, and not just because of the fear of hell. Since I have chosen to be more positive, life isn't looking that bad to me. Circumstances haven't changed. I'm still unemployed, I am still stuck living with my parents, but for too long I have made the choices to allow myself to be depressed, down, and believe everything the devil tells me about myself.
And admittedly, something happened this week that has helped me feel more positive. I got called in for a job interview for a job that sounds promising, and pays $2 more an hour than the job I quit in August. It is part time, but the man said it should turn into full time. I don't have the job yet, the interview is Monday, but I am feeling good about it. They did a background check on me, which took over a week, so they have gone that far already. I am not too nervous. I figure I'll get it, or I won't. Sure, I need it, but I again I am making a choice, a choice to not freak out about it.
I am still not ready to try the Christian thing again yet. I'm just not there. If I tried, I'd just give up the first time temptation hit, and this is the time of year it is everywhere. I could be wrong, but I think guys dealing with SSA may have it worse in the summer than heterosexual guys struggling with lust, at least in the US...... at least heterosexual guys don't have to see shirtless women, and I have to see shirtless guys everywhere. And believe me, when I am trying to serve God, that is a big temptation.
I am still praying and reading my Bible almost every night. I am doing it for a couple of reasons. I want to show God I am seeking after Him, even if I am not ready to dive in yet. I am doing it to just get in the habit of doing it, not that I want it to be a habit.....maybe it would be better to say I want to be used to doing it.... and doing it while not feeling like I HAVE to do it. And the verses I have been reading are mostly about God's love and mercy. I want to drill it into my head and heart.
Life and truly turn on a dime, so I am cautiously optimistic, cautiously hopeful for the first time in a long time... if one can be cautiously hopeful. I don't want to discount the prayers of people who are praying for me, nor their advice and comments - I know it is making a difference, and I honestly don't mean to discount that by saying this, but they would be to no avail if I didn't make some choices and act on them, and most likely I have made those choices because of those prayers.
I just turned a year older last week. In another year, I will turn another year older again. That was profound :-) - and when I do, I want to look back and not have the regrets that I have had for so long. May God help me to truly find Him and a real relationship with Him, and help me to make the right choices from here on out.
There are still a lot of people who believe homosexuality is a choice, which is truly demented... why would anyone choose to deal with this? It is one thing in life I had no choice in the matter over. I never chose to be attracted to other males. When I was a freshman in Bible college, just for the sake of curiosity and rebellion, I bought a copy of a porn magazine.... not gay. I was so naive' I didn't know those existed, and I didn't realize at the time I was gay. The magazine did nothing for me. Zip, zero, nada. As sad as it sounds, I was turned off by it, and was grossed out. I didn't keep it around long.
I tried to date. OK, I did date. Neither went anywhere. Looking back, I feel badly about it. The one girl especially seemed to really be into me, love me. But I felt nothing. I was attracted to their personalities, not to them. I never kissed them, though that was discouraged at the college anyway. While I was dating the second girl, in my junior year of college, I did a paper for one of my classes. We were to pick a social issue. I wanted to do the occult, but was not allowed. My teacher worried about kids getting involved in that by studying it, so I picked homosexuality.
I'm not sure why I picked it. That has been 22 years ago. Maybe I suspected, I can't remember. I do know as I read books and studied to write a paper on it, a light came on and I realized what I was reading in these books, was me. I wanted to do with men what I'd never wanted to do with women. I was shocked.
I broke up with the girl I was dating, much to her dismay...... I think she was thinking marriage. On a side note, she was the one who basically asked me out, in a really round about way, not that it excuses me. I broke up with her in November of 1990. And man, that did not go over well with my mom......how many college aged kids get lectured and scolded by their mothers for breaking up?
I wish I had sought help, but in my defense, I was scared to death. I was on a very conservative Bible College campus.....had I told the wrong person, I'd have been kicked out. In February of 1991, just a few months later, I made that fateful choice, well two actually, that started me down this long road of anonymous sex and porn addiction.
I was home from college for the week-end, and drove to a nearby town to do some shopping and kill some time. I wondered into a bookstore... The Book Nook. I don't think they exist anymore. I was browsing and wondered down the one far aisle..... and there they were: a long row of porn magazines. I was shocked. I didn't know the store carried them. I casually glanced over them, and wow.... as dumb as it sounds, I had no clue they had gay porn magazines, nor that they would be displayed publicly. I grabbed a couple, paid with them with what felt like a very red face, and quickly exited the store, and made another bad choice: A young guy around my age approached me and asked if I wanted oral sex, well he used slang for that. He told me later that he hung around to see what guys bought gay porn, and would approach them. I said yes, and the rest is history.
No one was home when I got home that day. I felt dirty, really dirty. I immediately took a bath, but it didn't make me feel any less clean. And it didn't stop me from seeking more of it. And for a long time, I'd repeat the same ritual, a bath or shower to try to stop from feeling so dirty, but then I got used to it, or calloused.
Reflection can be a good thing, and as I look back at my life, I can see more bad choices than good, which can also be discouraging. I wish I had made more good ones than I have. If we learn from our mistakes, I must be a slow learner.
I have made some good choices lately. I've talked more openly about my struggles om this blog, and with a few people. I have chosen to be more positive, to stop wishing I could kill myself, to stop putting myself down. Habits are hard to break, but I am breaking them. I was driving today and met a semi truck, and the thought went through my mind that if he swerved my way, that would be the end of me...... and just as fast, the realization went through me that I didn't want that to happen, and not just because of the fear of hell. Since I have chosen to be more positive, life isn't looking that bad to me. Circumstances haven't changed. I'm still unemployed, I am still stuck living with my parents, but for too long I have made the choices to allow myself to be depressed, down, and believe everything the devil tells me about myself.
And admittedly, something happened this week that has helped me feel more positive. I got called in for a job interview for a job that sounds promising, and pays $2 more an hour than the job I quit in August. It is part time, but the man said it should turn into full time. I don't have the job yet, the interview is Monday, but I am feeling good about it. They did a background check on me, which took over a week, so they have gone that far already. I am not too nervous. I figure I'll get it, or I won't. Sure, I need it, but I again I am making a choice, a choice to not freak out about it.
I am still not ready to try the Christian thing again yet. I'm just not there. If I tried, I'd just give up the first time temptation hit, and this is the time of year it is everywhere. I could be wrong, but I think guys dealing with SSA may have it worse in the summer than heterosexual guys struggling with lust, at least in the US...... at least heterosexual guys don't have to see shirtless women, and I have to see shirtless guys everywhere. And believe me, when I am trying to serve God, that is a big temptation.
I am still praying and reading my Bible almost every night. I am doing it for a couple of reasons. I want to show God I am seeking after Him, even if I am not ready to dive in yet. I am doing it to just get in the habit of doing it, not that I want it to be a habit.....maybe it would be better to say I want to be used to doing it.... and doing it while not feeling like I HAVE to do it. And the verses I have been reading are mostly about God's love and mercy. I want to drill it into my head and heart.
Life and truly turn on a dime, so I am cautiously optimistic, cautiously hopeful for the first time in a long time... if one can be cautiously hopeful. I don't want to discount the prayers of people who are praying for me, nor their advice and comments - I know it is making a difference, and I honestly don't mean to discount that by saying this, but they would be to no avail if I didn't make some choices and act on them, and most likely I have made those choices because of those prayers.
I just turned a year older last week. In another year, I will turn another year older again. That was profound :-) - and when I do, I want to look back and not have the regrets that I have had for so long. May God help me to truly find Him and a real relationship with Him, and help me to make the right choices from here on out.
Not Quite Healed, book suggestion
I was never molested as a kid, though there were some incidents in school with boys my age and a few years older that probably helped set the gay stuff in motion, won't go into that now, but I wouldn't call it abuse like young boys get from adults. I ran across this book and had a chance to review it: Not Quite Healed: 40 Truths for Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Cecil Murphy and Gary Roe.
Even though I was never molested, there are a lot of similarities in the feelings about God and themselves that I had with the authors. Its a book that anyone struggling with same-sex attraction, especially those who have given in, might want to check out.
Book description:
How are sexual abuse survivors to overcome the challenges they are sure to face? Finding strength in
community with other survivors is one key to recovery. In
Not Quite Healed, two survivors join forces to share insight and
encouragement on the issues that challenge them most. After a candid discussion
about each issue, the authors provide a self-affirming statement that men can
study, memorize, and recite on their darkest days.
Even though I was never molested, there are a lot of similarities in the feelings about God and themselves that I had with the authors. Its a book that anyone struggling with same-sex attraction, especially those who have given in, might want to check out.
Book description:
How are sexual abuse survivors to overcome the challenges they are sure to face? Finding strength in
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)