DJ commented on my "choices" post:
Hi again! Been thinking of & praying for you faithfully. Busy week ahead of me so my Internet time is a bit limited. I have a lot of responses & conversation I would like to post but it will have to wait. ;) I do want to quickly say that I definitely agree that no one would choose homosexuality. But...... studying Scripture, I see how we are created for a loving relationship with Jesus and to bring glory to God. So, while I don't believe He made you that way, what if God allowed this in your life to bring Him glory? What if you became so intimate with Him that your life became a powerhouse testimony to what God can do in spite of our weaknesses, brokenness & struggles? I've been listening to a lot of Francis Chan on YouTube this past week and I just want God to actually use me in this next (hopefully) ;) 40+ years in spite of all the yuck in my past. I want Him to actually be glorified in the next half of my life. Who knows what He really could use you for to advance His kingdom in your world if your life was really led by deep relationship with His Holy Spirit?
Keep slowly & cautiously reaching out to Him. He can handle it. ;) eventually, I'm thinking you'll find yourself in an all out, day-by-day pursuit of Him!!!
Thanks, I really appreciate the prayers, and for your helpful comments. You said something that I have thought before.....that if I ever got to where I truly needed to be with God, maybe He could use little old me. I have felt at times the day may come when I need to step up and "out myself." And maybe it wouldn't be that big of a deal for me to do so at this point. I have gotten very free with admitting it one on one to people. I lost track of how many people I have told...... the number may be as high or higher than 50 people who know, and thanks to a jerk in my past, there are people who know that I don't know of knowing. OK, thats sentence looks awkward, but I think it made sense. My biggest worry at this point would be my nieces and nephews, and my one brother-in-law. He still doesn't know, I am pretty sure. My other brother-in-law does know
The thing is..... I am to the point that I am not worried what people outside of my family would think. People are going to like me if they are going to like me, and if not, that is their problem....... so if I ever got to the place that I felt God wanted me to do so, I'd out myself. I get weary of hiding it, of pretending I just don't want to get married. It is a relief when I can admit the truth to someone.
I am sick of trying to be a Christian, at least the kind I have been. I want a real relationship with God, where I serve Him out of love and not fear, and believe He loves me and isn't waiting for me to mess up so He can use His white out on my name in the book of life.
I think you nailed it in your last comment: "Keep slowly & cautiously reaching out to Him. He can handle it. ;) eventually, I'm thinking you'll find yourself in an all out, day-by-day pursuit of Him!!!" I have been pulling away from the idea that I have to rush into serving God again. If God knows all, and He does, He knows I am sincere, that even though I am still doing things I shouldn't, that I want to find Him and do it right this time. I have to believe He is patient and will give me time. There is a fear that I could die in a car accident or something in the meantime......... and I could, but I am done being scared into serving God.
I may never change churches, as I do love my pastor and his wife, even if I don't agree with everything my church teaches. At least he doesn't rail or preach against all sorts of things..... but I have made a decision that won't go over well with my family. I am going to be very picky what revival services I go to, what camp meeting services I attend, and may not attend any of them. I am weary of preachers that try to scare people into going to the altar, who preach so strict a message that it undermines any confidence I have that I am a Christian, who tells "horror stories" of people who didn't go to the altar and God took them from the earth shortly after. I'm tired of that. And that is where I usually hear that stuff - camp meetings and revival services.
I quit going to the altar long ago anyway. The things I need to pray about are things I don't want anyone to hear, so if I feel the need to pray, I will do so at home. If I feel I need someone to pray with me, my pastor has proven he will do so at any time of the day or night.
Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. And may God bless you for caring about someone you don't even know.
1 comment:
I have studied quite a bit about homosexuality and I meant what I said when I said that about God using you! From my studies of the scripture, I think homosexuality is going to be a bigger and bigger issue in our society as we draw nearer to the end. More and more, we need people who can testify boldly (1 Corin. 6:11, Rev. 12:11a) to the power of God for freedom and healing in this particular area.
There is no shame in the struggle. We WILL all struggle with sin of some kind. (Heb 12:4) But a struggle doesn't mean we can't live victoriously, IF we're in love with Jesus. (The biggest surprise for me is I never realized it's a battle to STAY in love with Jesus. Loving Jesus really does require work and that love can cool off fast. No one ever told me that. You really have to PURSUE Him but it IS worth it!)
I can tell you really care about your nieces/nephews. Bottom line is they are going to be faced with worse stuff than we've had to deal with. What legacy do we want to leave that generation? What do we want them to believe about God and His Power?
I've really been meditating a lot lately on the scripture in James - confess your SIN to each other, and pray for each other that you may be HEALED. I've come to a couple of conclusions about this passage.
One is that sometimes we need someone to walk with us and partner with us in prayer when we are struggling with sin.
Secondly, it doesn't say to confess & pray for each other so you can be forgiven. Jesus does the forgiving and I think that's a separation "transaction". ;) It says so you can be HEALED. I think sometimes we have a struggle against a certain sin because of brokenness that needs healing. Jesus forgives but He also is a Healer. I think I mentioned two guys in my church who were set free from alcoholism. Both became alcoholics because of the result of deep childhood pain that came from losing their parents. Their bondage of sin was a result of a brokenness and they both still testify of being continually healed from that brokenness, even tho the bondage to alcohol is now gone. Their deliverance was different, they aren't the same age and come from totally different backgrounds yet they both were slaves to the bottle as a result of brokenness. But, God!
This is part of a devotional I recently read about a woman struggling with an eating disorder:
"I realize that I had feared the opinions of others; I had feared that I would not measure up. I had placed my hope, not in God’s unconditional love, but in controlling my weight.
What began in the eight grade as a week-long diet with a friend became seven years of starvation for me.
For some deep psychological, emotional and spiritual reasons, I kept losing weight. By my senior year of high school, I was five feet, three inches tall and all of seventy-nine pounds.
I was a Christian, desiring to serve God, yet enslaved to food. I was miserable. Night after night I sobbed into my pillow, pleading that God would make me normal.
He answered those prayers slowly and gently. First, he showed me my sin and forgave me. He gave me caring friends to talk to, reassurance from his Word...."
Eventually, she became free from the bondage of her sin which was actually something she needed healing from, even though she couldn't necessarily explain all the emotional/psychological reasons for the pain and struggle.
Anyway. I don't know if I'm conveying what I want to say very well here but I'm just thinking that sometimes our sin is a result of brokenness we can't necessarily explain but we need healing and that can help us become free from the bondage. I think homosexuality falls into this same category. Bottom line is that the answer ALWAYS comes back to Jesus and when we are sincerely seeking Him, He promises to be faithful!
He is patient & loving. He DOES know your heart!
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