Choices

   I've been thinking about choices today. About choices I've made, and wondering what ones I will make in the future.

   There are still a lot of people who believe homosexuality is a choice, which is truly demented... why would anyone choose to deal with this? It is one thing in life I had no choice in the matter over. I never chose to be attracted to other males. When I was a freshman in Bible college, just for the sake of curiosity and rebellion, I bought a copy of a porn magazine.... not gay. I was so naive' I didn't know those existed, and I didn't realize at the time I was gay. The magazine did nothing for me. Zip, zero, nada. As sad as it sounds, I was turned off by it, and was grossed out. I didn't keep it around long.

   I tried to date. OK, I did date. Neither went anywhere. Looking back, I feel badly about it. The one girl especially seemed to really be into me, love me. But I felt nothing. I was attracted to their personalities, not to them. I never kissed them, though that was discouraged at the college anyway. While I was dating the second girl, in my junior year of college, I did a paper for one of my classes. We were to pick a social issue. I wanted to do the occult, but was not allowed. My teacher worried about kids getting involved in that by studying it, so I picked homosexuality.

  I'm not sure why I picked it. That has been 22 years ago. Maybe I suspected, I can't remember. I do know as I read books and studied to write a paper on it, a light came on and I realized what I was reading in these books, was me. I wanted to do with men what  I'd never wanted to do with women. I was shocked.

  I broke up with the girl I was dating, much to her dismay...... I think she was thinking marriage. On a side note, she was the one who basically asked me out, in a really round about way, not that it excuses me. I broke up with her in November of 1990. And man, that did not go over well with my mom......how many college aged kids get lectured and scolded by their mothers for breaking up?

  I wish I had sought help, but in my defense, I was scared to death. I was on a very conservative Bible College campus.....had I told the wrong person, I'd have been kicked out. In February of 1991, just a few months later, I made that fateful choice, well two actually, that started me down this long road of anonymous sex and porn addiction.

  I was home from college for the week-end, and drove to a nearby town to do some shopping and kill some time. I wondered into a bookstore... The Book Nook. I don't think they exist anymore. I was browsing and wondered down the one far aisle..... and there they were: a long row of porn magazines. I was shocked. I didn't know the store carried them. I casually glanced over them, and wow.... as dumb as it sounds, I had no clue they had gay porn magazines, nor that they would be displayed publicly. I grabbed a couple, paid with them with what felt like a very red face, and quickly exited the store, and made another bad choice: A young guy around my age approached me and asked if I wanted oral sex, well he used slang for that. He told me later that he hung around to see what guys bought gay porn, and would approach them. I said yes, and the rest is history.

   No one was home when I got home that day. I felt dirty, really dirty. I immediately took a bath, but it didn't make me feel any less clean. And it didn't stop me from seeking more of it. And for a long time, I'd repeat the same ritual, a bath or shower to try to stop from feeling so dirty, but then I got used to it, or calloused.

 
  Reflection can be a good thing, and as I look back at my life, I can see more bad choices than good, which can also be discouraging. I wish I had made more good ones than I have. If we learn from our mistakes, I must be a slow learner.

  I have made some good choices lately. I've talked more openly about my struggles om this blog, and with a few people. I have chosen to be more positive, to stop wishing I could kill myself, to stop putting myself down. Habits are hard to break, but I am breaking them. I was driving today and met a semi truck, and the thought went through my mind that if he swerved my way, that would be the end of me...... and just as fast, the realization went through me that I didn't want that to happen, and not just because of the fear of hell. Since I have chosen to be more positive, life isn't looking that bad to me. Circumstances haven't changed. I'm still unemployed, I am still stuck living with my parents, but for too long I have made the choices to allow myself to be depressed, down, and believe everything the devil tells me about myself.

  And admittedly, something happened this week that has helped me feel more positive. I got called in for a job interview for a job that sounds promising, and pays $2 more an hour than the job I quit in August. It is part time, but the man said it should turn into full time. I don't have the job yet, the interview is Monday, but I am feeling good about it. They did a background check on me, which took over a week, so they have gone that far already. I am not too nervous. I figure I'll get it, or I won't. Sure, I need it, but I again I am making a choice, a choice to not freak out about it.


  I am still not ready to try the Christian thing again yet. I'm just not there. If I tried, I'd just give up the first time temptation hit, and this is the time of year it is everywhere. I could be wrong, but I think guys dealing with SSA may have it worse in the summer than heterosexual guys struggling with lust, at least in the US...... at least heterosexual guys don't have to see shirtless women, and I have to see shirtless guys everywhere. And believe me, when I am trying to serve God, that is a big temptation.

  I am still praying and reading my Bible almost every night. I am doing it for a couple of reasons. I want to show God I am seeking after Him, even if I am not ready to dive in yet. I am doing it to just get in the habit of doing it, not that I want it to be a habit.....maybe it would be better to say I want to be used to doing it.... and doing it while not feeling like I HAVE to do it. And the verses I have been reading are mostly about God's love and mercy. I want to drill it into my head and heart.

  Life and truly turn on a dime, so I am cautiously optimistic, cautiously hopeful for the first time in a long time... if one can be cautiously hopeful. I don't want to discount the prayers of people who are praying for me, nor their advice and comments - I know it is making a difference, and I honestly don't mean to discount that by saying this, but they would be to no avail if I didn't make some choices and act on them, and most likely I have made those choices because of those prayers.

 I just turned a year older last week. In another year, I will turn another year older again. That was profound :-) - and when I do, I want to look back and not have the regrets that I have had for so long. May God help me to truly find Him and a real relationship with Him, and help me to make the right choices from here on out.