Things have been really better lately. Not much has changed around me, but inside things are changing. I don't want to give the impression I'm where I need to be. The gay issue is still alive and well, and I'm not ready to tackle it yet. This will sound bad, but I don't even want to tackle it yet.
I am still trying to read my Bible daily and pray, though the prayer is usually asking God to help me to believe in His love, that He not give up on me, and that He'd help me find Him. Maybe I'm wrong in my thinking, but I have tried over and over to walk away from the gay stuff and serve God, only to give up all too easily. I am working on changing my wrong views and thinking about God for now. I am seeking after God, or maybe I should say seeking after knowing about Him in the right way.
It has been several days, even weeks, since I had the suicidal wishes and thoughts that I was having several times a day, which is a plus. I've been working on being more positive, and have been trying to stop putting myself down all the time. I have been engaged in some very negative thinking... no wonder I have been so depressed.
A couple of good things have happened to me just recently. I got called in for a job interview for something that sounds promising and I think I will like. It is just part of my make up that I am still a bit worried and fearful about it. The interview went great, and I have one day of training for it this coming Tuesday. I have no idea when I will actually start the job, but I would assume shortly after the training. It will be part time to start, but the man who interviewed me figured it would turn to full time in the not so distant future. The pay is more than I have ever had, which is exciting. The job won't be very close, so I will have a bit of a drive, but it should be less than an hour each way. If it does become full time, I plan on moving closer. Even though I am a bit nervous, I am excited.
The other good thing: I have a friend who owns two businesses. I help her out on busy times, a day or two on holidays when I can. Due to an accident on the part of her regular helper, she needed me 5 days last week and one this coming week. It averaged 4-5 hours each week, but man did I need the money, so that was a blessing. Not good for the man who had the accident, but good for me.
Last night I read the story of the prodigal son. I hope and pray for the day when the reality of passages like that really hit home with me. It is awesome how the father was waiting for his son to return, and ran to meet him. My head knows God is like that with me, but it hasn't hit my heart yet. Maybe it will one of these days.
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